Want to move back to UK but DH not happy.

[bigphatarse]

Being both born and raised in UK, at 30 DH and I moved with our 2 DCs to Oz. We have been extremely happy here and just love the place. We went on to have 2 more DCs. His family all moved to NZ and their relationship isn't the best. However, my relationship with my extended family was always very very close before I left. My DP's have been over 6 times since we moved out and every time they leave it is gut-wrenching for me. When we were in the UK my DB's had no children, but now there are 5 cousins that I don't know and my kids don't know. Now I am 40 I am questioning the whole thing big time. My parents have just left after a 5 week visit and I devastated. I miss my family sooooo much and want to go back. I want my DC's to have their aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins. They have so much here, it is a wonderful life, BUT they don't have extended family. My DH is furious that I am even contemplating it. He gets annoyed when I even discuss and says things like 'how could you do that to me, i would never do that to you'. He loves it here, as do I, but the missing family part he doesn't get. AIBU to think that he should put his family before a place, and my happiness should at least matter as much as his?

I have lived aborad (only Europe mind) and various parts of the UK. We spent several years in Europe a few more in Scotland. I am from Cornwall.

My family made a great to do of excitement when we were moving within an hour of them 3 years ago. After 7 years a great distance away (not that easily weekend commutable) and 5 previous years before that 4 to 5 hours away, we were all really excited. Yes the first 6 months to a year we moved an hour away - we saw lots of each other but then it dwindled quite a bit. The past 12 months - I could count on one hand the amount of times family offered to come and see us. A big fuss was made again 7 weeks ago when we were on the move again (4/5 hours away again). We all get on great and are close - I felt a bit taken for granted living so nearby and being so close to them (Geographically) didnt live up to my expectations.

What I am trying to say is that - the expectation of moving back home - does not always live upto what you expect. Sadly, people and their lives move on. My kids saw more of their cousins but never got really close as they spent their weekends etc doing hobbies and what ever etc.

Another thing is the UK has changed hell of a lot in the past 10 years. Not all for the better. When we returned from Europe I was shocked at the state of my home town. I was shocked at the state of the towns I had lived in before. The high streets here have changed alot. We don't notice it as much living here all the time but I would reckon the roads are in a worse state, cost of living has increased massively since 2005, high streets are dying, alot of big high street names no longer exist and their shops remain either empty and boarded up or are now pound shops,pawn brokers or a bookies. Not all change is bad but things have changed. Another thing that really hit me coming back from Europe was how many immigrants there are. I am not implying this is bad (I was an immigrant and so are you now,so not slating it at all) but the amount and variety of immigrants in any one area really took me by surprise when we first returned, as I just was not aware of how quickly the Birtish population was changing over a very short period of time. Now I dont notice it at all, quite bizarre to think about my reaction back then no, it was just that initial surprise iykwim.

Good and bad there are lots of changes and you have to ask yourself if you really know what you would be returning to? I really would recommend coming for a visit before packing up out there.

I am not trying to put you off and I kind of understand you because I often get "grass is greener syndrome" being we move around so much. I have moved back to places I hated and loved and neither have met my expectations and both have surprised me in ways I never expected.The truth is, the grass is rarely greener; there are just different pros and cons to it.

Work out what you'd get for your house in Oz. Deduct the cost of estate agents, solicitors, removals etc.

Go on www.rightmove.co.uk and see what you could afford to buy here. Plus a car/deposit/council tax/mobile phones etc

How does it compare to what you have there? Does it change anything?

Horrible situation, you sound terribly homesick.

Llama you'e right. It has changed hasn't it? My beautiful and historical home city is full of boarded up shops. And whilst they do sort of like one another, my DC and their cousins aren't particular friends....the 11 year olds aren't exactly making arrangements to meet up and stuff even though they've both got phones, they have their own mates.

My beautiful and historical home city is full of boarded up shops.

Well yes, this is true, but we have just come out of the worst recession for a generation - and things are finally starting to improve. But with everyone doing internet shopping high streets have changed and they probably aren't going to go back to how they once were unless we all start doing our shopping on the high street again. The result is that there are coffee shops, hairdressers, estate agents, pound shops, nail salons and the chains that have survived the recession. Many small business or independent shops have gone out of business. And yes, since 1997 the huge influx of immigrants has indeed changed the look of many towns and cities.

I really would recommend coming for a visit before packing up out there.

She can't afford to visit, which I suspect is part of the problem. If the OP could come over here once a year I doubt she'd be so homesick and want to chuck in what sounds like a really good and otherwise happy life in Australia.

Thanks everyone for your replies. It is really tough, and I have a lot to think about. I tried to speak to DH again last night and he shut me down again and accused me of being selfish. I can't sleep properly or am eating much. I find it very very traumatic when they leave but yes they have only been gone 3 days. We are going camping this week so hopefully I will start to feel better - i really have to get my shit together for the kids sake.

For the poster who mentioned homeschooling being isolating - far from it. Our house has people coming and going constantly and we go to clubs, workshops and/or park meet-ups daily. We all have heaps of friends, but my point was we haven't had friendships that have lasted 10 years because people have moved away, or the friendship has fizzled etc. Our current circle we have known a few years and are close but not 'family' close iykwim.

Could you approach "wanted down under" and see if they wanted to do a reverse? "Wanted up above" - a long shot I know but could result in a free trip to the uk.

If it is any consolation, at the very least you are happy to be there while you work out what you guys will do.

I think you are seeing the UK through rose tinted spectacles. The cousins thing will only last a few more years, while they are all kids, before the y go to uni. It is bloody freezing here, there is no beach (and not much of a summer), it is hard to get work and you might not be able to afford a decent sized house. Come for a visit, much cheaper than idealising it in your head and then moving back and finding out it has it's down sides just as much as Oz does. Stop torturing yourself - everywhere has upsides and downsides.

Fecking autocorrect. Hate it when it misplaces apostrophes on my behalf.

I think it's very easy to make a snap decision when you've had family visiting for a while. I've been overseas for over 7 years now and certainly in recent years when we've lost family members and I've not been there to attend funerals or weddings of my close cousins, it does make me feel really sad and on particularly drunken occasions I'm minded to blurt out "lets move back to the UK and be close to family!" And certainly when we drop family at the airport, I get very upset.

But then I'm reminded of how amazing our life is here, how our small kids are happy and thriving, and how when I speak to my parents about moving back, they immediately say "don't do it!" - they know when I'm wearing the rose tinted glasses (usually when I see snow or when I'm craving a Gregg's steak bake, or watching Gavin & Stacy) and they bring me back down.

For us, moving back to the UK would only be the better option if we had reasons other than family to cling to, even though we have a wonderfully supportive and close family. As other friends who have moved back to their home countries have found, life has moved on and the big family gatherings are not as frequent as they had imagined.

I try to travel back to the UK every year-18 months and my family always throw a big gathering (huge family, logistical nightmare to arrange). Aside from my visit and unless there is a wedding or funeral, there don't tend to be as many as I imagine there to be.

Australia, in terms of opportunities for your children, is great. You and your DH both have a wonderful life. I think the fact that your parents have just left is clouding your judgement a lot (as it does mine when my family leave) so I would sleep on it for a while and then if it's still bugging you, approach it with fresh eyes.

But whilst I agree that having family close is wonderful, my sons don't seem to have suffered from not physically seeing their grandparents and cousins very often. Skype is your friend here - I skype my parents every other day, my 3 year old chats with his grandparents all the time, 10 month old recognises their voices, and I've no doubt as they grow up, they will feel just as close to their grandparents as I did to mine whom I saw very regularly.

Your H is not being nice to you about it at all, he should at least allow you to express your understandable feelings

I grew up as an ex pat, and still am. My mother spent 15 years wanting to move home. She almost ruined what should have been a wonderful expat life in a wonderful place by moaning on and on about wanting to go home. So when I was 18 we moved back and it was a disaster, extended family wasn't as interested as she thought they would be, was hard to make new friends and old friends were rapidly bored by stories of expat life. And to add to the misery my Dsis and Dbro had a horrendous time at their new school. She regrets the move still and it's been nearly 20 years.

So don't make any snap decisions, take time to think the practicalities through. But any which way it's going to be hard.

I wouldn't give it you much thought right now. I lived abroad and the first week or so after family had visited was always tough, missing them and questioning what we were out there for. The feeling always settled down. Why don't you leave it a month and have the chat with your DH again them if you still feel unsettled.

I can see his point actually, your folks have been gone three days and you're suggesting turning all your lives upside down.

It's a huge ask.

But you do realise that just because you share DNA with someone it doesn't mean they're necessarily going to stick around and be lifelong buddies and see each other all the time and enrich your life any more than anyone else right

Actually, it is ironic that your husband calls you selfish yet apparently doesn't see his dogged determination not to discuss or acknowledge your feelings as him also being selfish.

I'd almost be tempted to point that out to him, but can't decide whether or not that would be a good idea.

I still think that the idea of an extended visit home is the way to go so that you can make an informed decision. You have already mentioned it, so maybe look in more detail at ways to finance it or save for it

Your husband needs to realise that bolshiness on his part is in no way a cure for homesickness. In fact, my guess is that it will make it feel worse as it will heighten any sense of loneliness you have since your family went home.

My friends moved back to the UK after many years in oz for the same reasons - wanted to be back in the heart of their huge family. They lasted 6 months before they packed up and went back to Oz. They missed so many things that they took for granted down under and family life wasn't as idyllic as they had imagined.

Hmmmmmm it's a tough one. I would be devastated if my husband insisted we had to move back to the UK (I sometimes dream it's happened and I wake up sobbing), so I understand where your husband is coming from. But I can also understand that you miss your family and have a rosy picture of how it would be if you went back.

I'd definitely recommend trying the UK for a year and seeing what you all think.

what a difficult situation

my dad lives in the states. when I come home after a visit I miss him terribly and my brother too. I feel heartbroken and I too have seen my dad really age recently (he has been ill too). when I am there it is a few weeks of spending all my time with him so it is not like everyday life and when I have gone it feels like I am being torn away and I often think I will move out there

but that intense feeling does not stay with me

do you think you may feel differently in say a months time

but of course this is something that needs to be discussed with your dh

I don't want to influence you one way or the other but just letting you know there is an amazing home ed community based round Fareham. My home ed DD is 15 and has a huge circle of friends - there's a massive amount going on on a daily basis and exams are probably as or more sorted here than anywhere in the country.

However, I can imagine that DD's reaction if I suggested separating her from all her friends to move to another country would be no more positive than if she were in school! But only you know how your children would take it once the actual reality sets in.

If you do come back for a break or want to know more, PM me. You would find friends extremely quickly, that's for sure. I think it's still nice round here, for what it's worth. Weather, depressing at best but you'd know that!

Regardless of anything else I think your DH is BVU by not even having the conversation, or at least kindly suggesting to have the conversation in a few months when the grief of the end of your parents' recent visit has died down.

I feel for you, we are coming up to 3 years in the States - we always said it would be 3-4yrs and DH has made it clear he would like to stay indefinitely, I have made it clear I still want to go home eventually. We have decided to commit to 2 more years and are planning a 3-5month trip round South America early 2017 - clearly as a procrastination device for having the conversation about where we're going to live. It's going to be very difficult having that conversation but I think we've both acknowledged that we have to weigh up all known pros and cons and ultimately if one of us is honestly desperately unhappy we want everyone to be as happy as possible.

Our DC are 3&6, we've agreed wherever we are living when DC1 is 10/11 is where we'll stay until DC2 finishes secondary education. So we have a lot of big chats coming up but ultimately we have agreed to cover all options and listen to each other's opinions in order to reach a compromise - your DH should at least be giving you that

We have talked and he is very anti visiting for a long period or moving back. I want to know where I stand if we did separate. Someone upthread mentioned I can't take the kids back without his permission even though we are both from the UK - is that right? What if we went for a visit and didn't return?

Really OP? You're contemplating taking the kids and not returning?

That is not cool. In fact its an awful, deceptive and selfish thing to even consider.

Op you do come across as selfish, this is all about you.

Go back to the UK if you want, but leave your dc in their home with their father.

Talk to a lawyer but here in Canada if I was in your situation, it would be VERY illegal (and morally wrong) to take the kids and not return. The children would be returned to where they are normally resident. So, Oz in your case.

I've been here 9 years and get very homesick. However, frequent trips home have shown me that the schooling, standard of living, wages, housing costs, crime rate, business, health etc. etc. are massively better for DD here.

Difference is that my DH understands my sadness and is very understanding and kind about it.