Want to move back to UK but DH not happy.

[bigphatarse]

Being both born and raised in UK, at 30 DH and I moved with our 2 DCs to Oz. We have been extremely happy here and just love the place. We went on to have 2 more DCs. His family all moved to NZ and their relationship isn't the best. However, my relationship with my extended family was always very very close before I left. My DP's have been over 6 times since we moved out and every time they leave it is gut-wrenching for me. When we were in the UK my DB's had no children, but now there are 5 cousins that I don't know and my kids don't know. Now I am 40 I am questioning the whole thing big time. My parents have just left after a 5 week visit and I devastated. I miss my family sooooo much and want to go back. I want my DC's to have their aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins. They have so much here, it is a wonderful life, BUT they don't have extended family. My DH is furious that I am even contemplating it. He gets annoyed when I even discuss and says things like 'how could you do that to me, i would never do that to you'. He loves it here, as do I, but the missing family part he doesn't get. AIBU to think that he should put his family before a place, and my happiness should at least matter as much as his?

I feel sorry for you OP. Did you say your DH's family moved out to NZ to follow you? So that makes a direct opposite pull to your family back in the UK.

Are you Australian citizens (sorry not RTFT). I guess your two little ones are.

I was also overseas, moved back to UK when our eldest was 13 1/2, but we were in Europe so not such a distance and my DH still works and lives there weekdays.

I'm sure you'll find better sources of information than MN. I wish you well.

Oh dear, You must be close to desperate to be contemplating this. I don't think you are selfish (ignore poster above) but I don't think you can move the children like that. Legalities aside, it's not fair on them. So, you need to make him understand how serious you are because at the moment, he's disregarding your feelings. Marriage counselling, maybe?

OP, do you want to go home so badly that you would sacrifice your marriage?

I don't think you are selfish by the way. I really feel for you.

It's very hard. We used to live in new Zealand and my 2 eldest ds's were born there, but it was just so far away from our UK families and we just couldn't bear the thought of our dc's growing up hardly knowing their family so we moved back. I don't regret it as in the 12 years since we moved back we have sadly lost both my mum and mil. It was the right decision at the time and luckily we both agreed. it must be very hard if it's not what you both want though.

There are very few decisions like this; where it is all or nothing and you can't compromise. The other one that pops up all the time is when one partner wants a child and the other doesn't. There is no give and take, one person must be disappointed. Since the children haven't been to the UK for years their decision is not one you can really use to swing a vote.

Is there any way one of you could work more/smarter to get some money for an extended trip home once every few years? A condition of my moving to Canada was that I had to be able to get home if I wanted to. I go about once every 1-2 years. It helps because I see family and friends but also because I see the reality of the UK. DD gets to go on the the Tube and she HATES it and the crowds so I know London may not be for her. I miss it terribly.

If you haven't been back for over 10 years, may I suggest that you come back here and see how much things have changed in those 10 years? I think you would get a culture shock. I am not saying you would not like it, but I really think you should come and get an idea of how things are before you make a definite decision. And come in the Wintertime when it's raining, drizzly, damp and depressing.

There is more to this (isn't there always) ;-). My DH is emotionally and physically abusive. Recently we went to court for his domestic violence and he has an DVO on him. We are trying to work things out, he got counselling, and things were better. However, I think it is too little too late, and his latest lack of empathy has made me want to just give up. I don't feel I love him anymore or like him much tbh. Whenever my parents visit, it is wonderful, and he is wonderful, but then it goes right back to the way it was. Having my parents here reminds me what it really feels like to be loved, and also how things could be with my DH. He is soooo much nicer when they are here.

So I guess I am at a place that I want to go home but I don't want to with him. I want him to come and see his kids of course but I really don't want to be in the relationship anymore. I am scared how he will react to this, and I will put money on it that he will make it as difficult for me and the kids as he can.

Talk to a very experienced lawyer. One with knowledge of international law and Australian family law.

Good luck.

Abusive puts rather more of a slant on things.

You need a good solicitor to advise on Australian and international law regarding where you stand re the children if you need to leave.

Is a DVO an Australian thing? Not heard of it before, but I'm not experienced in that sort of thing anyway. In light of the fact that your husband has one against him, how would courts be likely to view your desire to leave with the children?

Is there an Australian equivalent of Women's Aid which could advise you, both legally and in practical terms?

Do you really not have access to any funds so that you could visit the UK occasionally, or is your husband actively ensuring that you don't?

He has you well isolated at the moment and is putting on a good act to hoodwink your family whenever they visit.

You must get legal advice.

Are any of your family aware of your true situation? Is there any person you regularly phone or email etc. whom you can confide in?

I agree with lauriefairycakes.

And hypothetically, what would happen to your marriage, if you pushed to leave?

Would you end up divorced?

Can you drop the subject of moving back to the UK and instead book a 'holiday'. Then refuse to go back to Australia?

DVO explanation:

www.communities.qld.gov.au/communityservices/violence-prevention/domestic-and-family-violence-protection-act-2012/domestic-violence-orders

Crikey op, what did he do to you? ??

Am very sorry to hear your DH is abusive. New information.

Really think you need some good legal advice and help from an organisation in your area that is somethibg like women's aid.

Think funds were a major issue and that your return to the UK (to continue home educating here) would have been funded by the sale of your current property? If jointly owned and he wouldn't agree to selling it, finances would be a major barrier, especially if you would not be entitled to any benefits in the UK. (Something to look into?)

Another option could be to leave him but remain where you are in the short term.

Fizzy, read the thread. It has moved on a lot since the first page.

The revelation that the husband has a Domestic Violence Order against him now does show things in a rather different light. Even in the OP's update just before your post, she talks as if she no longer cares much about the marriage and wants to feel cared for.

Legal advice is definitely needed, one way or another. Do Australian solicitors give a free half hour or so like some UK ones do?

I thought I could smell a rat. Get legal advice OP.

Topseyt - when I wrote my reply there was a delay in its posting due to my madly annoying and useless server. I read every single post and hadn't seen the OP's bit about abuse because it hadn't gone up.

It makes a huge difference.

I would suggest you leave asap with your kids. Is there anything stopping you?

Like you, OP, I've lived in NZ for over a decade. I would like to return to the UK but DW (not from UK or NZ) is not interested. I miss my family terribly, and do feel my children (born here) would have a more fulfilling upbringing in the UK. Originally, our agreement was that if one of us wanted to return, we'd pack our bags and go. However, when it came to it, she changed her mind. The objections kept changing and the goalposts kept shifting. She just wouldn't countenance it. It was very frustrating. However, the conclusion I came to is that a change as big as that requires her consent which she is entitled withhold. I do not suggest that you should take the same view. It was just something that helped me a bit.

Unlike you, I've never received physical abuse from DW. Emotionally abuse? On the basis of what I've read on MN ... yes, she can be emotionally abusive. I ended up self-harming for a time. However, I have found ways to cope, and as I am the sole breadwinner I am in a relatively secure position. I suspect her of having undiagnosed ASD, and I often feel very lonely.

In the last couple of years I have been back to the UK with the kids on holiday, and while it is clear that some things have changed, to my mind it is demonstrably still the same place. Being back there is like putting on an old, comfortable piece of clothing one has had for years. I do not think I will ever stop missing the place, or my family, and I do regret my decision to come here.

My experience leads me to say that whether you want to return to the UK and whether you wish to leave your husband are entirely separate issues, although in situations like these, they do get muddled up together as they both cause you unhappiness. You should deal with them separately. The unfortunate fact is that regardless of whether or not you separate, you face real complications in getting back to the UK with the kids. Do note that if you travel back, you will be asked at passport control whether the other parent consents to the children travelling to the UK and the reason for this. I was. You would have to admit that he doesn't, or you would have to lie to the passport officer. Either answer could land you in terrible difficulties. I second the advice given by others that you talk to a lawyer.

I've not read all the way through so this point may have been made already, but here goes.
What would happen if you moved back to the uk, and then 6/12 months later your brother got offered a job in, say, the usa? He'd go, take his family, then you'd be back to where you are now, but cold.

I have no siblings, my dh has one brother, but we live in the north, they live in the south so there's not really a cousins type relationship there with our kids and his.
He has no contact with his mother, again, down south, and up here we only have my mum.
So we don't have any sort of extended family and we are all in the same country.

I understand your romanticised need to come back, but do consider that people change, life changes and your idea of an extended family forever might not be tha case.

Op my heart goes out to you because you are truly homesick. It's a horrible feeling and sickness is the only appropriate word. We moved ten years ago but much nearer home and we go back three times a year. Thing is you don't realise what you have in terms of family support until you move away. It's the familiarity that you miss, the shops, the architecture, for me red buses, the accents, the humour and again, family. I know how you feel in fact my children berated us for moving them from home and their family. However that said they are happy, settled and in relationships now and none of them have any desire to return "home". Here is home. But for me my heart is in the South of England. I have a plan to live there part time years from now So maybe now you should have counselling to help with the homesickness because if you're not happy nobody is happy. Be confident in your ability to make a decision about your family's future when you've hadn't counselling. But please Google homesickness and discuss this with your dh before you even discuss going back. He needs to know how you're affected. Take care. And was there something about abuse?!