Want to move back to UK but DH not happy.

[bigphatarse]

Being both born and raised in UK, at 30 DH and I moved with our 2 DCs to Oz. We have been extremely happy here and just love the place. We went on to have 2 more DCs. His family all moved to NZ and their relationship isn't the best. However, my relationship with my extended family was always very very close before I left. My DP's have been over 6 times since we moved out and every time they leave it is gut-wrenching for me. When we were in the UK my DB's had no children, but now there are 5 cousins that I don't know and my kids don't know. Now I am 40 I am questioning the whole thing big time. My parents have just left after a 5 week visit and I devastated. I miss my family sooooo much and want to go back. I want my DC's to have their aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins. They have so much here, it is a wonderful life, BUT they don't have extended family. My DH is furious that I am even contemplating it. He gets annoyed when I even discuss and says things like 'how could you do that to me, i would never do that to you'. He loves it here, as do I, but the missing family part he doesn't get. AIBU to think that he should put his family before a place, and my happiness should at least matter as much as his?

melanie I use social media but my family are shite at it so that doesn't help. I feel really disconnected from them. Because of the lifestyle we chose (homeschooling), we live on very little income so a trip home is out of the question. With 4 kids it is massive $$$$$.

OK, but what about the financial side? You say you haven't been able to afford flights home, so even if this were to happen, how on earth would you afford it? You'd need to get everyone home, ship all your belongings back, sell your house in Australia, probably rent for a while in the UK, save up for a mortgage deposit etc etc.

It's not something you can do very easily, especially as your smallest DC are Australian and would need to go through the VISA process.

My DB's ( I have two), I love dearly but they are just awful on the phone or email so I just feel our relationship is dwindling, which is so so sad.

googoodolly we have a lot of equity (luckily) so if we sold we could do it all easily.

I don't see a way of resolving this. You can't both have what you want - one of you has to give way. Your DH has the advantage because all he has to do is maintain the status quo - for him to agree to move would be a tremendous upheaval.

You do say "We have been extremely happy here and just love the place", which makes me wonder if moving back to the UK would be quite as great as you think - even with extended family around. Your children would have to give up their friends, settle into a new school, make new friends, adjust to a different way of life. There is bound to be someone in the family for whom the move would leave them worse off rather than better off.

I'm not saying you're wrong, by the way. I fully understand the urge to be near your family. I just can't see how this is going to be resolved in a way that leaves everyone happy.

I don't know the solution, OP. Your DH really has the advantage here, because he has the legal right to say you're not taking his children - then what? You're hardly going to move without them.

Unless you visit again, you won't truly know what your DC prefer. Oz is all they have known I also suspect you have built up a very cosy picture of the uk and the reality would be different. The only answer is to use some of your equity to visit your family for 3 or 4 months. Rough it. Live in a caravan in their garden or what ever

Good idea violetta - you could spend a short period of time there and do a family vote?

googoodolly he wouldn't do that (he isn't a knob! ;-) ) He want us all to be happy, he feels how I would if I didn't have any blood relatives in the UK. I TOTALLY get where he is coming from. But he did say how much he would love our kids to have their nan and pop all the time. He saw how much the DCs get out of the visits and he sobbed as much as me when they left. He values family as highly as I do, but he is torn because Australia really is such an amazing place to live and bring up kids. TBH he was convinced my parents (who he adores and treats as his own parents as we have been together since we were 13) would follow us. And then my DB's would follow us. I thought this too (quietly hoped). But it hasn't happened so we are shit out of luck.

Firstly are you certain that the happy, family meetings you envision will actually happen?

I am in the opposite position to you. We are moving to Oz which is my DH's birth country after ten years together in the UK. We have 2 DC and over in Oz only one cousin whilst in the UK we have 4 cousins and various Aunts and uncles.

The reality...and part of what made me decide to go to Oz is that my family never, ever have get togethers.

My sisters...whilst friendly...never make the effort to visit me with their DC...I have to do all the visiting.

I kept doubting our choice...thinking "My family!" but then it occurred to me that my ideal...is not what's actually happening.

Will you and your family meet regularly in the UK? Do they meet up a lot now?

Op,try to visualise yourself actually on the brink of moving,with all its real consequences.
Resentful dh,upset children,massive expense etc,and just try to visualise how that'll feel.
Even if everyone decided to opt for your wishes,could you really actually go through with it when push came to shove?

I hope I don't sound brutal -I really feel for you

I hope you can find a way to come to terms with the situation,and I wish you could find the money to take a break in the uk.

We were away on expat travels for 15+ years and moved home when our kids were 9/7/2. Mind you we were constantly travelling so didn't have a real settled home life for many years. My DH was more sceptical than me, we hadn't lived in the UK ( Belfast) for 20 years ... but overall it was a good decision. Kids love it, the cousin / family bond just happens and it feels so worthwhile. Older parents also an issue for us and that has been so important over the last few years. Now its not easy at all settling back in, people will not necessarily welcome you with open arms as you talk endlessly about your world experience, you need to both really want to take the ups and the downs, but if you already feel so strongly about it then you need to be planning now. The younger the kids are the better, but they will settle in quicker than you no matter what age they are. Don't put off your own happiness because of some imagined fear about kids' unhappiness. But you should go back for a few weeks first, check out schools, think about what hobbies and sports you all like, and can they be replaced or replicated in Fareham ( lovely part of the world to live in in my opinion). Start saving for a holiday back home now!

Mrstawdry they actually all live a stones throw away from each other. They jokingly call themselves 'amish'. All of them are popping into each others house everyday. They also spend at least one day at the weekend together and they go on holiday together as a huge group a few times a year.

I have thought about suggesting a year's break in the UK to DH. So we rent our house out and then just have a break in UK and then see how everyone feels at the end of it. Could be good all round.

The year break sounds excellent - though you do need to think what happens if you are in essentially the same position then as now

TBH we saw more of my family when we lived OS than we do now! Because of the costs involved they stayed with us and we with them for weeks on end and got lots of that 'quality' time that you feel your kids are missing out on. So would you move really close to your family? Do they all live close to one another? I ask because we live about two hours from my parents (they live in Norfolk, but my DH works in London so we have to live near there), and we see them about every three months and then its only for about 48 hours. My four siblings are spread around the country, so we see them and their kids maybe three times a year.

The other thing is that if you're pretty skint can you actually afford to move back here? Do you own your home in Oz? What are the property prices like in Fareham? Before you go hammer and tongs at this issue with your DH I think you need to do some homework about what it will cost you to move and set up home here. I know Oz is expensive and some things will cost less here, but the actual move, shipping stuff thousands of miles and setting up home, is not an inconsiderable amount of money.

Haven't read all the thread but I just wanted to say that I did exactly what you want to do (after about 15 years in oz). I had built up a ridiculously "rose tinted" view of the UK and the transition back has been hard. DH and I have found it very hard to get work - Aussie experience doesn't count for much here even though we worked for one of the biggest names in Oz, it was discounted here because most recruiters hadn't heard of them. DH has managed to find work, I am a SAHM - although effectively retired as I was 40 when we moved back. We bought a house but completely underestimated heating and maintenance bills on an older property. There's lots more and I have to say, with hindsight, I regret the move. We looked at going back but couldn't actually afford to given how things have changed over there.

This is a massive decision for you so think carefully. We didn't have any kids when we moved back so that wasn't an issue but I can imagine it would be even harder on them.

A think a year break is a good idea, but you REALLY need to think through the practicalities of a permanent move - getting a home, VISAs for the children etc. These things aren't cheap or easy.

I understand how you feel but it's key I think that you've repeatedly said how happy you are out there. If the norm in your life there has been happiness, then that's a big reason not to uproot and come back just because your parents are getting old and your kids don't see their cousins. So many other aspects of your life here may not be as happy, and as others have said, lots of families don't have relatives nearby. I live at the other end of the country from my parents and worry a lot as they get older, but they don't want to move here and our relationship works better with them coming for extended visits. They wouldn't want me to give up my life here to move closer to them. We love each other dearly but they are happy that we are happy. I'm sure your parents feel the same and may be gutted to think they were the source of dischord in your marriage. Have you talked to them about how you feel?

It's also worth saying (generalisation alert!) that this could be a DD thing, which is why your DH may not empathise. My mum points out that my DB doesn't share my concerns about not being nearing them as they get older. He just doesn't have those kinds of worries and thoughts about them. Esp with your DH not being close to his family, he may find your reasons hard to understand, sentimental even. This is why I think you'd be better off talking to your parents maybe. And as someone else has said, these feelings may fade as your normal life kicks back in and you remember that you really are happy there, and that is a big deal.

I can really understand your need for that closeness. I long for it too....but it's more likely to happen in Oz for me. Dh's family are like yours and his friends are too. Mine are far more British about everything....calling to check etc.

I think the year break sounds ideal and at the very least, your DC will get the experience too.

The issue is that you can't really base a massive life decision on kids wanting to live near some cousins/ uncles they've never even met, and on the basis of holiday relationships which aren't real life. Your DP's see your kids once every 18 months or so, so it is different to having a granny you see every day, especially when there are other DGC's in the mix who they have to share the GPs with and they might not even like! I totally sympathise- I have wobbles after every summer when I go back to the Uk, but I have to weigh it up on a pragmatic basis of where we (as a family) are better off at the present time.

You could go back for a year's trial (although I think you need to do two to really know) assuming that you or your DH can get jobs. Another consideration is the Uni costs for your eldest two- is UK or Oz more favourable?

I sort of agree with Bunting OP....it's so hard...but we have to look at the whole picture don't we when making these big choices.

I would say don't move as your DCs are too old, the older ones, in a few years will be off - working somewhere, uni somewhere, hitching round Europe, whatever, as will many of the cousins you want as friends for them. Unless the cousins hang around in their home area and find jobs there somehow, not what I wanted for my DCs, I wanted them to see the world.

Surely your DPs are older and heading for retirement, then they can come more often and stay longer.

And if your DBs are so behind the times that they can't Skype then Amish is a pretty accurate name!

I hate to say it, but I think you do need to put the family first at this point. You need to think extremely carefully about turning everyone's life upside down because you're missing relatives, and certainly as someone else already said now (not long after a visit) is not the time to be deciding these things.

I'm such a cow that I'd actively want to emigrate to Australia if my family had the Amish set-up you describe.

But then I only had two first cousins and some rather Edwardian gps so it's not a model I grew up with.

I love my family but I can't say they enhance my life on a daily basis. My best friends are my daily sanity, two of whom I made through school. I think you may have missed out massively by opting to hike school.

Home school that should read tho maybe they have hike schools out there...