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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell you how I foiled one of those spready out men on the bus earlier?

256 replies

DaygloYellowLady · 03/02/2015 14:38

I'm really quite pleased with myself and it was dead easy. I just sat slightly diagonally but still within the boundaries of my seat so when he started attempting to spread out his legs to air his bollocks he ended up with my bony knee stuck in his thigh with very little discomfort or contact to me. Then, when he moved his leg away I quite subtly stretched my legs ever so slightly into his space, I know this made me
just as bad as him but after years of being squashed into the window, thigh to thigh with a strange man it felt so sooo good. The best part was the slightly bewildered looks he kept throwing me as we trundled along, like that just wasn't the way things should have turned out. Grin

OP posts:
nunkspugget · 04/02/2015 14:38

Do the mums at tumble tots crush you into a tiny space during circle time? Do they crowd the buffet snack table eating all the meat snack first? Do they lean over you at the bar register to be seen first? Do they make personal comments? Do feel scared at being alone with so many women?

MoreBeta · 04/02/2015 14:39

To be fair what prole said earlier is true. I tend to hog the outside (aisle) seat on a train because I can sit slightly sideways and put my foot in the aisle so my knees are not jammed up at the back of the seat in front with my back ram rod straight. I have a really bad back and sat in the window seat is very uncomfortable on a long journey. That said, always happy to move to let people in the window seat, never block with a bag, help people lift stuff onto overhead rack.

Oh and I know this lets the side down chaps but as a bloke I also really hate manspreaders too - mainly because of my above mentioned back. I also hate seat lollers that spread over the arm rest, hate smelly cheese burger eaters, beer drinkers, loud voice phoning, massive laptop owning sorts as well.

Generally I think a bit of consideration is nice on public transport. I once let a girl rest her head on my shoulder on a long bus journey when she fell asleep. Of course I proposed to her a few years later so that was nice as well.

AnyoneforTurps · 04/02/2015 14:44

I think it's fine to choose the aisle seat if you prefer it morebeta (my DH does too as bad back and long legs), as long as you don't try to stop people sitting in the window seat. Not sure that I can commit to marrying anyone who falls asleep on my shoulder though -as the veteran of many long bus journeys, I'd have at least 20 husbands by now Wink

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 04/02/2015 15:03

This must be the male equivalent of sticking a handbag on the spare seat in the hope that no one else is brave enough to ask them to move it (not sexist in the slightest).

And why oh why do people stand at the front of the bus when there's empty seats at the back? Don't they realise that people can't actually get passed them to sit on them so all they are doing is pissing people off by forcing them to stand and be squashed? Numpties!!

I love Jeremy Vine Grin

OnlyLovers · 04/02/2015 15:04

general unpleasantness on here.

keep convincing yourselves men are all bad

Do you spread your legs as wide as your assumptions?

squoosh · 04/02/2015 15:08

Maybe forcing men to keep their legs together when seated on public transport leads to their manly bits becoming overheated which in turn leads to a bad temper.

Maybe they should carry fans.

Bifauxnen · 04/02/2015 15:13

Why are they always so pompous?

KellyElly · 04/02/2015 15:23

And why oh why do people stand at the front of the bus when there's empty seats at the back? Don't they realise that people can't actually get passed them to sit on them so all they are doing is pissing people off by forcing them to stand and be squashed? Numpties!! This drives me fucking insane!!!!!

Dadscare2 · 04/02/2015 15:28

Ah the irony of that comment on a thread that is so heavily generalising and making assumptions.

nunkspugget you clearly don't like any of those things and that's fair enough. However to be made to feel like you are under suspicion because of your gender is still bad yes?

OttiliaVonBCup · 04/02/2015 15:29

Varya that's all admirable, what's it got to do with bollocks on the trains?

OnlyLovers · 04/02/2015 15:53

Dads, au contraire, posters here are pretty much talking about their own specific personal experiences.

Dadscare2 · 04/02/2015 16:15

I disagree. Look through the thread and you'll find a lot of "men do this", "men do that" and far less "some men" or "I saw a man do this".

Ah we're all the same aren't we? My poor boy growing up with only me huh? Those poor Mum's so terrified of that man at "their" group who has the gall to bring his son so he doesn't have to miss out. Still so long as I keep my legs in check.

I guess my "personal experiences" are less worthy right?

ErrolTheDragon · 04/02/2015 16:30

It's best to avoid generalisations. Some men occasionally find a nice girl's head on their shoulder. Some others, maybe little bit of a chip?

OnlyLovers · 04/02/2015 16:35

No, the word 'men' is far more often attached to a comment that makes it clear that they're referring to individuals performing a particular act: 'men who do this', 'spready-out men' etc.

No one has said men are 'all the same', or 'men are all bad'.

I think you sound rather bitter about these other parents you keep bringing up.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 04/02/2015 16:41

This isn't a man bashing thread by the way. I've seen women do this too, women wearing skirts. It's a view that only a gynaecologist or a midwife should see

Dadscare2 · 04/02/2015 17:03

OnlyLovers, I quote "I notice this more and more. Not just the leg-spreading but a general male assumption that they can take up whatever space they want, without heed to anyone else." From you.

So you look at this as you like, but I disagree.

And yes I am bitter! As was the lady digging her knees into a guy's thighs. The only difference is she got revenge (not necessarily on the right person) whereas I can't see how I can do that.

Bifauxnen · 04/02/2015 17:10

They probably pick up on your not so thinly veiled hostility.
And there was nothing wrong with onlylovers sentence - she was sharing her experience.

ErrolTheDragon · 04/02/2015 17:12

dads - revenge is generally toxic, so perhaps that's a good thing. FWIW most posters on mn that I've encountered would think that a bloke being cold-shouldered at Tumble Tots is just as much an offence against equality as a woman being disadvantaged in the workplace etc, and I'm truly sorry this is the sort of thing you've encountered. On a discussion forum, I'm afraid that it's very easy for the odd generalisation (or something that can be perceived as such even if not the poster's intention) to slide in accidentally.

OnlyLovers · 04/02/2015 17:15

Yes, a general male assumption among the men I see doing it. Which is a lot. But not all men. Of course not; that would be a silly thing to assume/extrapolate from the behaviour of some men.

And, again, I have not said men are 'all the same', or 'men are all bad'. Neither has anyone else.

You could try making friendly approaches to the other parents you have to see? If you have and they haven't responded, you might just have to accept that, but it is possible that they don't want to talk to you personally rather than being suspicious of you because you're a man per se.

JillyR2015 · 04/02/2015 17:19

I usually have a massive briefcase or bag so that goes between my open thighs, bag on floor - my legs bend out nor together so that's how I sit but I never intrude into the space next to me, just no one next to me would be able to intrude into my space.

It is certainly important women realise they have as much right to space as men. I am glad the issue is getting airtime.

Dadscare2 · 04/02/2015 17:20

Errol I'd like to think you're right but look at the post right above yours which immediately makes assumptions the situation is of my making rather than my bitterness being from the experience. The hostility caused their attitude rather than my becoming bitter because of their attitude. From someone who does not know me but is making assumptions.

Bigfauxnen by your rationale then if I say I notice more and more a general female assumption that single Dad's at playgroups should be avoided and shunned would that be OK? I'd prefer to think it is just that clique in my area. That's what I want to think!

AWholeLottaNosy · 04/02/2015 17:22

'I know your balls are nowhere near as big as my arse and my arse needs all my seat, so you need to try to confine your bollocks to yours.'

This needs to be MN Quote of the Day!Grin

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 04/02/2015 17:23

Ahahahahahaha AnyoneforTurps.

What can we do about people who walk 5 or 6 abreast in the street when there's no need whatever to do so?

And what about "photo tutters" who stand on one side of a pavement to take a photo of their Beloved who is on the opposite side of the pavement (particularly on London bridges with the nice views) and are then TOTALLY put out when the whole populace doesn't stop and wait for them to get their focus, flash etc just right. This is a pavement, people are trying to get to work/school/home, why do you expect everyone to stop for you? Stand A BIT CLOSER.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 04/02/2015 17:36

Of course I proposed to her a few years later so that was nice as well

Morebeta that is quite lovely Smile

TeddyBee · 04/02/2015 17:42

Some guy spread his arm across the back of the seats on the tube, and thereby around my shoulders and looked confused when I asked him to move it. I mean, was I being unreasonable? His armpits needed airing yerse?

I hate man spreading with a passion. I've been known to smack them on the knee with my book to get them to move over. Not very ladylike but better than going postal and slamming their head in the tube door, which is what I want to do.