to not want to speak to DM at all after this? MH related.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

Loooong story. I've had depression for years on/off. I can handle it and do go to the GPs the second I feel it coming on. I have been in hospital twice since I was 13 (now 20s) and as a parent myself I understand she is just worried etc.

Sooooo last night, as per usual, I had my phone on silent, and missed one call so she rang again and sent texts, saying I was out of order for worrying her (she seems to think I will off myself with DS in the house which is insulting as even when I have been very ill I've told her I'd never do something so selfish and dangerous to DS). And then sent another saying I'm ungrateful etc. I read all this earlier today and was really upset and have had enough as it's been a years long issue. I've bitten my tongue because I know she means well and doesn't "get it". When I had food poisening and called her in the night a few weeks back because I was worried I was seriously ill/too ill to look after DS alone (we live alone) she shouted down the phone about it probably being a mental health thing/dramatic thing and I left it at that.

Anyway, I sent her this, this morning: ^I wouldn't ignore you on purpose or randomly off myself with DS in the house. My phone is always on silent and I've told you that before, sorry. I don't think you realize how insulting it is when you imply I'm being manipulative or doing things on purpose. Like when you asked if that food poisoning was a mental health thing. Don't worry about this weekend. Not in a stroppy way, I just need some space. I get you worry but you don't listen when I explain the above stuff. I don't expect to be babied but you can be pretty insensitive about this stuff. Sorry".

To which I got: phones always on silent wow didn't realise was 100 PC of time.... And u have have had MH probs and I was only caring / being caring coz I love you ! Ok u don't want to talk to me and think it's ok to be nasty to me ,. Fine !!! u don't want my help and want to just let me worry ... Take care

And then: Well ur timing and style was impeccable !!! That was pretty nasty how u did that ... Why didn't u talk to me??? What's the bloody matter with you !! Bloody immature .... And ungrateful really . . No more txts I've had enough of this shit if u can't talk to me nicely and have to treat me like that I guess it's best u don't

I know I've upset her and feel bad but I can't take that attitude to it anymore. And I missed out lots more stuff that I felt like saying but didn't to try and not make it seem like an attack but now just wish I'd told her everything.

Is it bad to just leave it? I can't even face a shouting match right now. If I'd upset DS as much as she'd upset me I'd want him to tell me, even if it hurt. I'm taking DS out to distract us in a bit. What a bloody morning

Hi TOK, sorry u don't think I've been enough support. Let's do lunch then arrange to meet regular to have a proper 1:1 chat. Love you and want to support you. OK? And must've been a misunderstanding re: texts!!

So it's all nice again now she's panicking I'm serious. But I can't magically forget everything she said. And I feel like I'm supposed to feel guilty and sorry but I actually don't. Maybe that makes me horrid but she isn't supportive. She'll offer to help but then lord it over me, tell me how hard it is on her and tell other people that "she can't even go away because I might need her" etc

Is she on MN? My first thought when I read this mornings bilge was that she'd read the thread.

And sorry you have to deal with that crap from her.

No. She's useless at computers. I ranted a bit at my brother at the start who doesn't normally spill the beans, but didn't give away much even then in case. But if he mentioned it to her maybe it made her realize I was being serious.

And thank you. It's so head-fucky and confusing and she's gone back to "normal" now & is expecting me to do the same. Everything she said was a misunderstanding etc.

Perhaps it would be best I you didn't meet her now, but left it until you are ready. Do you think she would carry on playing nice if you sent her a message saying:
'I love you too, but at the moment you can best support me by giving me some space. I know you only want what's best for me so please don't come round this weekend. This isn't about you, it's about what I need. Thanks TOK'.

Personally I think she'd revert back to her real self pretty quickly. I don't know enough about MH to say your mother is responsible for your problems, but it sounds like she must have aggravated them at least. Well done on getting through it. If you ever doubt the way she's behaving or has behaved in the past, just ask yourself if you would ever act that way to DS. You sound like a good mum, she doesn't.

That's classic behaviour for bullies and toxic people OP, when things don't go their way they backtrack and guilt. And 'sorry you don't think I've not been enough support isn't an apology it's a get out. I'd decline her offer, perhaps: Thank you for the offer of a catch up but I'd rather not. I don't feel supported at all, I feel the opposite is true and your presence in my life actually makes things worse.I love you but I won't live with you like this.

I think its time to re establish ground rules as a way forward. You need to be kind to yourself and put your MH above her need for attention and control: It seems all about her and a wish for control and dominance reading it through again. I am guessing that either complicates, causes or compounds your MH issues having gone thru similar, and having a counsellor point out to me that my mother and i have a toxic dynamic and a struggle on her side for control. You could be me reading that through. Put yourself first, she is an adult, she will live.

What an incredibly manipulative, passive aggressive mother you have. You need to do some work on boundaries. Her threats of withdrawal and accusations about how 'nasty' you've been are probably more about her own issues than anything between you. You need to give yourself permission not to engage. It doesn't matter if she's upset, provided that you've acted the way you are happy with - adult, direct, reasonable etc. Are you not answering your phone because you need some space from your mum? If so, that's legitimate. You don't have to. But you do need to work out some way of letting her know you're ok - a one word text perhaps. It's possible that your mum has trouble letting go and the depression is a useful excuse to keep close contact with you. In that case, you have to be kind but firm because co-dependency isn't kind to either of you. There's a type of relationship where someone needs to be needed, whether or not they really are needed. People like that can have strongly negative reactions if their nurturing is refused. That can leave the 'child' in the relationship feeling like they can't grow up and almost like they're the parent. If this is your position, then you do need to start moving on. If your mother wants to play games and have dramatic scenes, that's her business. You're not obliged to put up with it simply because you've suffered from depression in the past. You also don't need anyone else to help you or look after you simply because you've suffered from depression. It's not necessary and it will only chip away at your ability to take responsibility for your own life.

Remember it's in your brothers interest to maintain the relationship between you and your 'D'M. He will have to deal with the fall out and manage her on his own otherwise whereas currently he is using you as a foil. He will do everything to keep you and your ghastly toxic cow of a DM in contact, even if he doesn't realise himself why he's doing it.