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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to speak to DM at all after this? MH related.

135 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 02/02/2015 10:23

Loooong story. I've had depression for years on/off. I can handle it and do go to the GPs the second I feel it coming on. I have been in hospital twice since I was 13 (now 20s) and as a parent myself I understand she is just worried etc.

Sooooo last night, as per usual, I had my phone on silent, and missed one call so she rang again and sent texts, saying I was out of order for worrying her (she seems to think I will off myself with DS in the house which is insulting as even when I have been very ill I've told her I'd never do something so selfish and dangerous to DS). And then sent another saying I'm ungrateful etc. I read all this earlier today and was really upset and have had enough as it's been a years long issue. I've bitten my tongue because I know she means well and doesn't "get it". When I had food poisening and called her in the night a few weeks back because I was worried I was seriously ill/too ill to look after DS alone (we live alone) she shouted down the phone about it probably being a mental health thing/dramatic thing and I left it at that.

Anyway, I sent her this, this morning: ^I wouldn't ignore you on purpose or randomly off myself with DS in the house. My phone is always on silent and I've told you that before, sorry. I don't think you realize how insulting it is when you imply I'm being manipulative or doing things on purpose. Like when you asked if that food poisoning was a mental health thing. Don't worry about this weekend. Not in a stroppy way, I just need some space. I get you worry but you don't listen when I explain the above stuff. I don't expect to be babied but you can be pretty insensitive about this stuff. Sorry".

To which I got: phones always on silent wow didn't realise was 100 PC of time.... And u have have had MH probs and I was only caring / being caring coz I love you ! Ok u don't want to talk to me and think it's ok to be nasty to me ,. Fine !!! u don't want my help and want to just let me worry ... Take care

And then: Well ur timing and style was impeccable !!! That was pretty nasty how u did that ... Why didn't u talk to me??? What's the bloody matter with you !! Bloody immature .... And ungrateful really . . No more txts I've had enough of this shit if u can't talk to me nicely and have to treat me like that I guess it's best u don't

I know I've upset her and feel bad but I can't take that attitude to it anymore. And I missed out lots more stuff that I felt like saying but didn't to try and not make it seem like an attack but now just wish I'd told her everything.

Is it bad to just leave it? I can't even face a shouting match right now. If I'd upset DS as much as she'd upset me I'd want him to tell me, even if it hurt. I'm taking DS out to distract us in a bit. What a bloody morning Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/02/2015 16:30

*Brew Hmm cuppa...all the same.

I just hope she does give me some space. I know for a fact she'll be telling family how I'm worrying her and being cruel by asking for it. But I just need some space to look at everything from a more objective point of view.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 02/02/2015 16:33

May I remind you?

...Well ur timing and style was impeccable !!! That was pretty nasty how u did that ... Why didn't u talk to me??? What's the bloody matter with you !! Bloody immature .... And ungrateful really . . No more txts I've had enough of this shit if u can't talk to me nicely and have to treat me like that I guess it's best u don't...

You feel bad for thinking so badly of her after that pile of self-centred twaddle? Pshaw!

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/02/2015 16:36

Ouch. Yeah that was pretty vile. I wondered if I did deserve that earlier though. Not so much since posting though! I personally wouldn't talk to anyone I cared about like that (I like to think anyone at all).

OP posts:
happyyonisleepyyoni · 02/02/2015 16:36

Well I'm not surprised you have a history of depression with a mother like that...she sounds utterly poisonous.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/02/2015 16:43

She doesn't normally talk like that about everything. She's just quite intense/an over-sharer in everday situations. All my friends have commented on it.

But when I think about it that's because me and my brother don't tell her when she's being out of order because it doesn't end well. It's the same with my gran, except she's far worse!

I keep remembering times she's upset me and I've forgotten because it's just sad and there was no point saying anything/dwelling. I had a laparoscopy last year (random unexplained bad stomach ache that turned out to be bad IBS and stress) and she demanded to be my lift home but as I was sat in the bed coming around from the op her and her fiance where going on about having to leave for their weekend away cus they'd be late if they didn't hurry up and discharge me and my friend would have to call her parents to pick me up instead. Sounds petty but my friend was Shock when we got back to mine (she stayed to look after me). She said she couldn't believe that's all she had to say about it. I was too ill at the time to really care. But stuff like that has happened since forever. She shouldn't have demanded to be a lift if she was that worried surely?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/02/2015 16:50

I feel so whiny and like I'm having a pity-party going on about this but I just feel like I've reached a limit I didn't know I had.

She ignored the MH for years too and said it was just teenage moodiness and I'd get over it/my skin would get thicker and bullies stop if you act like you don't care etc (they don't actually because I have a good poker face). I self harmed from 13 to 17 and she knew that but said it was an attention seeking teen thing. I am actually really proud of how well I am considering my teen/late-teen years. DS played a massive part in that obviously but it took a lot of hard work to get on top of it all and learn the early warning signs etc.

OP posts:
magicpixie · 02/02/2015 16:51

perhaps better to talk about issues in person rather than text, sounds like its blown up out of all proportion

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/02/2015 16:56

You can't actually talk about things in person with her. Not anything that heavy. I'd have never been able to get it all out before shes had interrupted and just started raging.

And we've not been in contact since and won't be again via text or facebook or any of that. Like she says, no more nasty messages!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 02/02/2015 17:01

I'd get thee over to Relationships and post on the end of the Stately Homes thread. Smile (Pop in a link to this thread as well if that's easier.) There are umpty posters on that who've had problems like yours and you could get some really good perspective there.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/02/2015 17:02

Thank you cozie Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/02/2015 17:17

I'm just waiting for her to get my brother to ring me. I give it until tomorrow morning at the latest.

OP posts:
dollius · 02/02/2015 17:20

I keep remembering times she's upset me and I've forgotten because it's just sad and there was no point saying anything/dwelling. I had a laparoscopy last year (random unexplained bad stomach ache that turned out to be bad IBS and stress) and she demanded to be my lift home but as I was sat in the bed coming around from the op her and her fiance where going on about having to leave for their weekend away cus they'd be late if they didn't hurry up and discharge me and my friend would have to call her parents to pick me up instead.

Oh god, that's just brought the memory of labour with my first child back. My toxic mother demanded to be present and when I called her at 11pm to say I was in labour she huffed and puffed about how inconvenient the timing was. Then she appeared in the labour room, fell asleep on the chair and kept kicking my drip, pulling on my hand. She was a total nightmare and in the end the midwife threw her out of the room and she had a total pity party in the corridor.

This was also standard behaviour from her. It is so controlling and designed to make you as weak and vulnerable as possible.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/02/2015 17:22

Sorry to hear that Doll Brew

She's done it with a lot of health stuff/anytime I've needed help and had no one to ask (I avoid asking her usually to be honest for that reason).

OP posts:
dollius · 02/02/2015 17:23

Tell your brother (her flying monkey, presumably?) that this is none of his business and you are not required to have any sort of relationship with your mother if you don't want to. His relationship with her is his concern and not your problem.

dollius · 02/02/2015 17:24

And yes as soon as they know you are relying on them, they turn the conditions on and you have to bow and scrape in gratitude even if you don't even want their "help".

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/02/2015 17:26

They have a different relationship. He wasn't relied on as much as a kid etc and was out all the time as a teen. He doesn't really get it. He's only living there temporarily as his job fell through though as he does say he finds her difficult to live with as an adult (he's not much younger than me).

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/02/2015 17:29

I've helped her though. I've let her stay here when her fiance has been " a twat again" and listened to her problems over and over despite the fact she does have close friends and I shouldn't be her one and only sounding board really. And yet I'd never throw it back in her face if she told me I'd upset her. You just don't surely. It defeats the point of helping someone doesn't it!? You don't do it for the payback.

OP posts:
roland83 · 02/02/2015 18:08

My mum also dumps her emotional issues on me too, so I know how you feel. Especially her husband, one minute he's a twat, next I'm not allowed to say anything bad against him! Gah.. what a joke eh.

I also have the same thing with my sister not getting it.. I'm introvert, she's extrovert.. is your brother extrovert? I'm wondering if it's easier to pick on/control introverts because of our nature? And harder to avoid calls as most people know we aren't out partying the night away but are probably at home?

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/02/2015 18:24

Oh yes, DB is really outgoing and thicker skinned, naturally it seems. And didn't bear the brunt. I wonder if there is a connection there. Sorry to hear it's similar for you.

I don't mind a bit of a moan now and again but to turn up at mine wanting to stay over and telling me you're through with him then the next day get him to call me up out of the blue with no warning you'd even sorted things and expect me to be ok with that.

OP posts:
laughingmyarseoff · 02/02/2015 18:35

Wow she is toxic, OP. Are you going to stay NC?

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/02/2015 18:42

I'm not contacting her for the timebeing. I just need some space. Reeling a little still. Feel like a bit of a fraud on the stately homes thread. She can be awful at times but there are much worse on that thread. I do feel that the relationship is toxic in ways. I've talked about it a bit before when I was ill and my CBT therapist said it's quite common and can be extra intense with some single parents as it concentrates it. But I wasn't sure.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 02/02/2015 18:50

Oh you wouldn't be a fraud on the Stately Homes Thread, believe me. Just reading about her treatment of you makes me reel - and that's only what you've posted so far. The relationship has damaged and hurt you and that's what's important.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/02/2015 18:56

That's the weirdest part I guess. It looks bad written down but even then it's so "normal" to me. I was expecting a flaming this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/02/2015 18:59

I didn't have a terrible childhood or feel totally unloved. It was just tense IYSWIM? Money worries, my brother had ADHD, but it wasn't awful. I did grow up fast and I feel that caused some damage.

OP posts:
123upthere · 02/02/2015 19:10

Marking place - similar here. Distance is your only help here OP. Create good days for yourself and DS I have to really push myself to do this each day where normal people wraised in an emotionally 'healthy' home don't have to think twice about putting their needs first. I feel tremendous guilt all the time.

Dollies your advice is very supportive to OP and is making me my relationship with my DM much clearer thank you