to not want to speak to DM at all after this? MH related.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

Loooong story. I've had depression for years on/off. I can handle it and do go to the GPs the second I feel it coming on. I have been in hospital twice since I was 13 (now 20s) and as a parent myself I understand she is just worried etc.

Sooooo last night, as per usual, I had my phone on silent, and missed one call so she rang again and sent texts, saying I was out of order for worrying her (she seems to think I will off myself with DS in the house which is insulting as even when I have been very ill I've told her I'd never do something so selfish and dangerous to DS). And then sent another saying I'm ungrateful etc. I read all this earlier today and was really upset and have had enough as it's been a years long issue. I've bitten my tongue because I know she means well and doesn't "get it". When I had food poisening and called her in the night a few weeks back because I was worried I was seriously ill/too ill to look after DS alone (we live alone) she shouted down the phone about it probably being a mental health thing/dramatic thing and I left it at that.

Anyway, I sent her this, this morning: ^I wouldn't ignore you on purpose or randomly off myself with DS in the house. My phone is always on silent and I've told you that before, sorry. I don't think you realize how insulting it is when you imply I'm being manipulative or doing things on purpose. Like when you asked if that food poisoning was a mental health thing. Don't worry about this weekend. Not in a stroppy way, I just need some space. I get you worry but you don't listen when I explain the above stuff. I don't expect to be babied but you can be pretty insensitive about this stuff. Sorry".

To which I got: phones always on silent wow didn't realise was 100 PC of time.... And u have have had MH probs and I was only caring / being caring coz I love you ! Ok u don't want to talk to me and think it's ok to be nasty to me ,. Fine !!! u don't want my help and want to just let me worry ... Take care

And then: Well ur timing and style was impeccable !!! That was pretty nasty how u did that ... Why didn't u talk to me??? What's the bloody matter with you !! Bloody immature .... And ungrateful really . . No more txts I've had enough of this shit if u can't talk to me nicely and have to treat me like that I guess it's best u don't

I know I've upset her and feel bad but I can't take that attitude to it anymore. And I missed out lots more stuff that I felt like saying but didn't to try and not make it seem like an attack but now just wish I'd told her everything.

Is it bad to just leave it? I can't even face a shouting match right now. If I'd upset DS as much as she'd upset me I'd want him to tell me, even if it hurt. I'm taking DS out to distract us in a bit. What a bloody morning

Sorry - I meant your DB. Do you ever see your brother?

We're pretty close. I spoke to him this morning. He called to ask if I was ok as she'd told him and he "knows what she's like"

Ah - so she's already been on to him in the absence of you as her normal punching bag?

(I would guess - despite you two being 'pretty close' - that he's largely escaped and that it's you who have been left to carry the load.)

He was a tearaway teen. I was an academic book worm type who was home a lot because of the bullying and because I decided GCSEs were the end of the world So I did spend a lot more time around DM as an older kid/younger teen and had always been her confidant anyway. It got more intense as a teen though because she as going through her divorce, we were skint again, I was being bullied and she was studying for a degree too so was very stressed, understandably! She was in her first year of social work when I first went into hospital and everything peaked. She struggled then because it was very stressful and I think she thought if she just tried to give me a kick up tha backside I'd "snap out of it". It's taken her years to understand that isn't the way it works (and equates a more gentle approach to babying and enabling).

Since DS has been older and I've started dating she's said I shouldn't go for average/noral guys because I'm a bit eccentric and your average guy can't handle MH issues in a partner plus I'm vulnerable. I think she meant well by that but she often comes out with clangers like that. I can be sensitive but I'm not a weirdo. I don't have scales. I can talk to "normal" people. I've had "normal" partners who weren't weirded out by me! That's just an example of the more day to day stuff that's always upset me with her. It's not normally this bad. It's just that low-level "did you really just say that" stuff. And people do misword things when they mean well so it's a bit hit and miss.

DS has been at nursey. I am so gratefull. I needed the and quiet. I do volunteer for a charity normally but just called in sick as I'd have been useless!

....It's taken her years to understand that isn't the way it works........

I'm sorry, TOK, but I'm hard pushed from what you've said to believe that she does actually understand. It seems to be 'she' was stressed...... 'she' was finding it stressful...... etc etc - and you've been acting as her support.

Go back to the Stately Homes Thread and re-read the bit about FOG.

Thanks. I did read some of that and the whole of the latest thread but should probably google it a bit too. I do believe that fits. Especially the guilt and obligation. I've never had a name to put to those feelings. Believe it or not I'm quite self-aware usually...

I don't think she understands even now but she was fowl about it when I was younger. Really seemed to believe I'd made myself ill on purpose and that I got a kick out of worrying people and said I had a choice. I could be one of those adults who's in and out of facilities and can't handle things or I can sort myself out etc.

I'm basically just waiting for her to try and contact and then to take it from there. She'll go for the contact-everyone-else first thing but she will call when that doesn't push me to contact her.

Domineering. That's the main issue.

Have posted on the SH thread, finally.

My DM has told my brother it's nothing big and we'll be fine. According to her not much happened anyway, just a small tiff and I refused to let her have DS this weekend. I'll get over it soon.

I'm now. I was sad before but that's just her, again, telling people I'm being OTT and just having a moment and it's all on me. I'm resisting the urge to resend her what she sent me. Just in case she's forgotten exactly what she said. I won't, but I want to

Well done. Relationships isn't quite as fast as AIBU but it's steady and you'll get some good support and perspective on that thread.

Thanks. I think if that's what she believes I might just leave it. It'll take her ages to realize it's even something I won't drop anyway. And it's not like we live together. She'll want to see DS once she realizes I'm in no rush to see her/speak to her anytime soon. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Just have to try not to cave. I feel like I'm being stupid and should call her, because that's my auto-pilot. But I know that's crap. It's a start. Thanks for all the advice.

Just remember - the last thing you are is 'stupid'.

I hav this feeling that it's as if there's long been a little 'self-survival' kernel deep inside you and that that's now starting to come alive again and spread a little.

Good luck.

It feels a bit like that actually cozie Thank you!

Crying myself to sleep coz I've been rejected by my own daughter - the most important first thing in my life .. Heart broken I am . You really have got me all wrong re, implying you're manipulative .. Plus asking if a bad tummy us linked to your MH isn't that bad and came from a good place . I know I pissed u off sticking up for ex but was trying to be supportive . Ok I get it - you don't like me of want me in your life anymore ... You don't need me getting you down as u see it - but can't talk about these things. You have no idea how much that hurts. Guess I have to suffer . Sincerely hope ds doesn't repay you in this way in later life ! Take care. Love you.

That sounds manipulative and shit. Sending a hug x especially if she sent that in the middle of the night x

My eldest daughter has has MH issues. She has seriously self harmed. I do worry if I don't hear from her for a bit but actually I know from past experience I am the first person she calls in an emergency. So I trust in that and send regular 'love you' texts so she knows I am here.

I would NEVER lay that sort of emotional blackmail on her. I am so proud of how far she has come and your mother should be proud of you x

Thank you for sharing that, I'm sorry you've both had to deal with it too. It's a horrid thing to go through as the person struggling and as their loved ones. Your post made me cry. I do call her when I'm seriously ill and have never given her a reason not to trust that I will. All I want sometimes is for her not to minimize how I'm feeling and to just say "yeah, that's tough".

It helps to hear from another parent of a DC who's had MH struggles.

I haven't been perfect as a daughter and I'm sad that she's sad but I'm just sick to the back of my teeth of being the one in the wrong. And all that guilt. My DG isn't much better so I wouldn't mind terribly if they cut me off because of this tbh. She always scolds me like a child when I see her for mumbling and being quiet. (It's not something I can help, it's natural and I also had dodgy teeth (fixed by braces) which affected it when I was growing up.

I had braces too - they were vile!

My mum catastrophe's (sp) about my eldest but I am much more relaxed. It's hard but I trust her to be in touch. She is at uni now and sometimes phones to moan about stuff - I ask her if she wants a listening ear or solutions and then we both know which direction the conversation will go in ;)

I am no expert but as a total outsider your mum sounds very difficult and has to have contributed to your MH issues. Love to you from me x

Remember -

....What confuses me the most is that she says she cares and seems to in her own way but when I do tell her i'm really struggling she sweeps it under the carpet. I told her I was really scared of how low I was almost 2 years ago, I couldn't sleep, or eat or go one day without having a panic attack and she demanded I went to stay with my DG because she couldn't "babysit" me (and DG is much worse than DM). I stupidly agreed and after one night demanded to be brought back and made an appnt to see teh CMHT when I got back (I ended up being voluntarily admitted which was actually really helpful and I had a lot of CBT there). Dm was furious and said I was faking it and being melodramatic etc and I was being selfish to her and to DS.... (My bolding.)

?

Everything aboout that text she sent you in the early hours is just ME-ME-ME manipulation - designed to whip you back into your normal shape after your 'little flurry of rebellion'.

She'll probably be on to your brother again today in the absence of your tearful giving in - bet he phones you shortly.

...Guess I have to suffer . Sincerely hope ds doesn't repay you in this way in later life !...... (My bolding.)

Oh My! She's really getting low in the barrel.

I was at the DS comment. I hope DS tells me if I've upset him and feels able to do so without worrying about how I will react!

She is very upset, no doubt. I know she's not faking that but to put it on me entirely? She wants to meet to talk about it on Sunday but right now I don't feel like I ever want to talk to her in depth about anything again. Maybe that makes me ungrateful and cold hearted but I feel how I feel. I'm sick of denying it to please her.

And thank you swampy

It was a long night. I should just turn my phone off at night. I checked the time on it when DS woke once and then saw it.

Is it possible to turn your phone off at night? (I think that some phones have exotic programming capabilities which permit all sorts of scheduling etc.)

I'm buying a clock today purely so I don't need it to know the time at night. Should help limit the amount of sleepless nights I have!

She's coming over on Sunday to pick up some bits she left here and to "talk about it" (DS won't be here). I'm not expecting much. I'm 90% sure that she'll just be straight on the defensive/guilt tripping in which case I'll ask her to leave.