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AIBU?

Maintanance - he's got me doubting myself.

128 replies

horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 20:38

I have a 3.5 year old DD. Her 'Father' was an ex boyfriend I drunkenly decided to see again. We had a 1 night stand and I haven't seen him since. He's never met DD and firmly believes I should have had a termination. He has in her life given me 2 lump sums of money accounting to £200.
Over the last 6 months I have explained to him we are really struggling and would he please start a monthly contribution. I finally said to him tonight if I can't have a amicable arrangement I will go to CMA on Monday. He has agreed to a monthly payment but says I shouldn't ask him as it was my choice to have her and if I couldn't afford a child I shouldn't have had her. I thought I was infertile and had lost my marriage because of it and I suppose he feels hoodwinked.
AIBU?!? I wouldn't ask him but we really do need help.

OP posts:

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LokiBear · 02/02/2015 16:17

My point is he had no control over whether or not conception became a baby. He could not (rightly so) force the woman to continue with the pregnancy no matter how much he wanted it. He was lambasted by friends for ending the relationship and his feelings trivialised. The same is true here but in reverse. The same mistake was made, but the man in this situation had no control over whether or not a baby was born. He made his feelings clear (I don't agree with him but that is by the by) and I can see why he feels hoodwinked. But yes, he should learn his lesson and wear a condom. The law protects the child here, the op can go to the csa. There are no winners though and I don't think the assassination of this man that we do not know, based soley on the op's op, is right.

BreakingDad77 · 02/02/2015 16:28

I can understand where you are coming from Lokibear but this is one of those things where men can't have equality as its the womans body. also you friend doesn't seem to have the same serial impregnator stance as the OPs.

Maybe in 100 yrs babies will be able to be put in tanks to artificially gestate and you friend would have been able to keep it, but we are a long way from that.

horseygeorgie · 02/02/2015 16:30

loki I understand your point of view. I would like to reassure you my posts about this man have been very kind on his nature. If I told you everything I know about him you would be horrified. Yes I know I shouldn't have slept with him but he is a very charming, manipulative person. I didn't realise the extent of his shortcomings until much later.

OP posts:

LokiBear · 02/02/2015 16:32

I hope you and your little one get the support you deserve, horsey.

Andrewofgg · 02/02/2015 17:37

Of course if the other mothers go to CMS they will have to share what he has available to pay - they will not leave him unable to live and he cannot pay what he has not got. That's life. I don't know, perhaps somebody here does, who gets preference: the first to knock on CMS's door, the mother of the oldest child, or equally?

Bogeyface · 02/02/2015 17:50

I don't think the assassination of this man that we do not know, based soley on the op's op, is right.

The assassination of this man comes from the fact that he doesnt use condoms, complains when a baby results and then walks away refusing to take responsibility, not once but three times. And thats only the ones the OP knows about! If this was a naive one off then I may have slightly more sympathy (not much but a bit), but this is a man who is a serial deadbeat "dad", not a naive 18 year old.

andrew to my knowledge it is shared equally.

Bogeyface · 02/02/2015 17:54

From what I can see, it would be 25% of his income split 3 ways, assuming every mother claimed. 25% is what is charged for 3 children so each mother would receive 8.33%

Assuming his after tax income is £400 per week then each woman would receive 1/3rd of £100 so £33.33333333 a week in maintenance.

YonicScrewdriver · 02/02/2015 17:55

Andrew, CMS would adjust payments as it learns about further children.

Andrewofgg · 02/02/2015 17:55

Thanks Bogeyface - I suppose that is as fair as any other answer. Of course if Mr Responsible dips his overly-fertile wick again OP and the other two will be the losers, won't they?

Bogeyface · 02/02/2015 17:56

Yep, as more children appear (which doubtless they will) then that 25% will get split further and further.

Depending on what he does for a living, if he is self employed or on JSA but working cash in hand off the books, then it would be very easy for him to avoid paying anything. So there is no incentive for him stop his bare back activities :(

MaryWestmacott · 02/02/2015 18:06

Then op, I guess it's in your interests to go to cma but not mention the fact to the other mothers...

SolidGoldBrass · 02/02/2015 18:08

Yet another vote for CSA. It's about time this man got a wake-up call - he's clearly one of those who likes seeing himself as Supersperm the Mighty Impregnantor while caring about no one other than himself. (I would have some sympathy for a man who accidentally impregnated a woman who then decided to continue the pregnancy if it only happened the once - but this bloke does it allthe time.)

Andrewofgg · 02/02/2015 18:17

Mary I wonder if the form OP will have to fill in asks her what she knows of the father's dependents?

I am in no doubt that the form which will be sent to him does - and he might as well tell all if only out of spite.

I use the word father in a strictly biological sense, you understand.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/02/2015 18:25

They will really only be interested in resident children for him unless he requests they add other kids for him to pay for. Or the other mothers claim

Bogeyface · 02/02/2015 18:32

Yeah, he could have 10 other children but if they are not claiming and he is not volunteering to pay then the assessment will only be made for any child who a claim is being made for.

I agree that its in the OPs interest to not mention to the other mother that she is doing this, but morally I am not sure I could do that. And getting walloped by 2 women will cost him 20% of his net, whereas the OP alone will cost him 15%. It would be worth sacrificing 5% of what will probably not be much, in order to hit him harder!

Goldmandra · 02/02/2015 18:46

My point is he had no control over whether or not conception became a baby.

Nor should he have, ever, in any way.

He got to choose whether to risk impregnating the OP in the first place. He chose to take that risk and that it where his control ends and rightly so.

Yes, it must be devastating if you lose a child through a termination you don't want and I don't think anyone should get a hard time for being upset or for ending a relationship as a result. However, the alternative would be the father getting to force a mother to continue with an unwanted pregnancy which would be horrendous.

If you have sex, you take the risk of creating a baby. If you don't wish to deal with the consequences, don't take the risk.

Bogeyface · 02/02/2015 18:51

I find it really irritating when people say "oh but men dont get a choice....." when the man in question DID in fact have a choice, such as in the OP, but chooses to not exercise that right by using contraception.

I think its a different and more difficult issue if its a contraceptive failure, but I think that the law is right that the woman has the final say given that women have to go through pregnancy, birth and will have to shoulder most of the burden of childcare.

But this man knew that he was risking pregnancy, he knew what could happen given that it had happened before and he (presumably) knows that things such as CSA/CMS exist so he doesnt just get to say "I said get an abortion, you didnt so I am not paying".

Its excuse making like has happened on this thread that allows thousands of deadbeats to walk away scot free, and men who do pay the bare legal minimum being declared "great dads".

CupidStuntSurvivor · 02/02/2015 18:52

The process is fresh in my memory and I definitely wasn't asked if my ex had other children, only about children we had together.

Bogeyface · 02/02/2015 18:53

And thats not even taking into account the worry of whether 2 children of one dead beat end up getting together as adults because neither of them know that they are in fact siblings.......

Andrewofgg · 02/02/2015 19:06

Bogeyface That's a problem whether or not he pays, isn't it?

And always has been. And always will be, because there will always be children whose father has disappeared without trace, perhaps even without knowing about the pregnancy.

An uncomfortable thought.

Bogeyface · 02/02/2015 19:10

Oh I know, but these threads remind me of it, very worrying.

Andrewofgg · 02/02/2015 19:29

There was a case in Maryland some years ago where a doctor running a fertility clinic in a smallish town turned out to be providing all the donor sperm himself. IIRC it come to light before any of the children reached maturity and the parents concerned could be provided with a list of the children who were their children's half-siblings. Goodness knows how often such things happen and don't come to light.

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horseygeorgie · 02/02/2015 19:45

Oh my God I hadn't even thought of that angle! I'm going to vet boyfriends VERY thoroughly, including 5 generation family tree and DNA!

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 02/02/2015 19:49

Sorry !

I have to admit that it does worry me. My ex bogged and had 3 more kids, thankfully they all have his surname as he married their mother so I can be sure that no one who is brought home is a half sibling!

Bogeyface · 02/02/2015 19:49

bogged off

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