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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maintanance - he's got me doubting myself.

128 replies

horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 20:38

I have a 3.5 year old DD. Her 'Father' was an ex boyfriend I drunkenly decided to see again. We had a 1 night stand and I haven't seen him since. He's never met DD and firmly believes I should have had a termination. He has in her life given me 2 lump sums of money accounting to £200.
Over the last 6 months I have explained to him we are really struggling and would he please start a monthly contribution. I finally said to him tonight if I can't have a amicable arrangement I will go to CMA on Monday. He has agreed to a monthly payment but says I shouldn't ask him as it was my choice to have her and if I couldn't afford a child I shouldn't have had her. I thought I was infertile and had lost my marriage because of it and I suppose he feels hoodwinked.
AIBU?!? I wouldn't ask him but we really do need help.

OP posts:
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 01/02/2015 21:17

I would imagine for somebody who is told she is unable to have children wouldn't think to get the MAP.

When that women finds out by some miracle that she is pregnant, then terminating would be very difficult dicsion as it could be the 1 and only chance to be a mother.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 01/02/2015 21:17

I'm not judging anyone. I was in exactly the same position as you. I used contraception though... clearly that was a waste of time but I am the proud mum of two beautiful children who I adore.

Original poster
horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 21:18

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I'm still very confused about if I'm being unreasonable or not!

OP posts:
LokiBear · 01/02/2015 21:21

I sympathise but I do think yabu. You can't say that you don't want him involved but want him to provide for your daughter financially. Yes, he should have worn a condom, but he had no choice as to whether or not you kept the baby once you were pregnant. I understand why you did keep her, I would have done the same. However, I can see it from his pov too. You have the legal right to ask for maintenance. Other than that, have you thought about asking the cab? You might be entitled to benefits that you haven't claimed for yet. Good luck.

SoMuchForSubtlety · 01/02/2015 21:22

Why on earth would it be all your responsibility? She's half his. He chose not to use contraception, it's not exactly news what the possible consequences of that are.

I wish dickhead men would stop using "I told you to have an abortion and you didn't" like it's a REASON for them to skip fancy free off into the sunset. Abortion is not a man's choice, as it is not their body it is being done to. For men used to getting whatever they want apparently that's a bit challenging to deal with. Men make their choice when they have unprotected sex, and although for most of human history women have been chattels who did as they were told, it doesn't quite work like that any more.

Now he is trying to use being an arsehole to get out of admitting that his actions have consequences. And manipulating you and generally being a horrible person who has also done this to two other children and two other women. Do not allow him to agree any kind of private arrangement, run it all super formally through the CSA. And do not feel guilty, he sounds like the type of person who will benefit from a reality check.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 01/02/2015 21:22

I had a hellish time getting maintenance. At times I wondered if it was even worth it wall the stress. Be prepared for that. If you can cope with him being an arse and possibly fighting him for money for the next 15 years then YANBU.

PtolemysNeedle · 01/02/2015 21:22

Yes, I do think you're unreasonable, because you chose to have sex without contraception knowing that you would be the one having to deal with the results of conception, and you chose to continue with your pregnancy knowing that you'd be parenting alone. Those are your choices to make, but you have to own them and take full responsibility for them.

But I'm in the minority with my view, so feel free to ignore it. You have every right to go to the CSA if you think that's the right thing to do.

RandomMess · 01/02/2015 21:23

MAP failed for me (he wore a condom but it slipped off at some point) the decision to terminate or not was incredibly difficult.

I did pursue for child maintenance - it's the only contribution he's ever made, my dc has missed out on extended family, a supported Mum etc. etc. etc.

I know my mental health wouldn't have survived aborting.

Original poster
horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 21:24

It's not that I don't want him involved. I would love him to be the sort of man DD deserves in her life but he isn't. He has mentioned meeting her before and wanting pics etc and I have said 'fine, no problem, of course!' Then he vanishes again. Oh I don't know.
Don't mean to drip feed. My head is going round in circles and I can see both points of view. I just wish I wasn't so desperate.

OP posts:
Cantbelievethisishappening · 01/02/2015 21:27

Why did you break up with him? Were you hoping that having this child may have brought you both back together?

PtolemysNeedle · 01/02/2015 21:28

You do sound very confused, you said at the start that you didn't want H&M involved.

If the problem is that you're struggling financially, is there anything else you think you could do to improve your situation?

Goldmandra · 01/02/2015 21:28

terminating would be very difficult dicsion as it could be the 1 and only chance to be a mother.

Termination could also not be an option to someone who believes that the embryo is a person from conception and would see it as killing their own child. In that situation it isn't reasonable to say that the mother should either comply with the father's wishes or take all future responsibility on themselves.

MaryWestmacott · 01/02/2015 21:29

YANBU - go to CSA. The would have, should have, could have's don't matter now, your DD is a real human being with 2 parents. Both should be funding her life. It's too late after a man has got a woman pregnant to say he doesn't want to be a father, he is now, he can't change his mind and take his sperm back later. Too late.

Don't listen to him - perhaps once a man might have sex without a condom and then be shocked that a child was created from that - but it does seem to happen a lot to this man and then he gets all indignant that yet another life has been created...

Get to CSA. Get it sorted. perhaps you should buy him some condoms and a "where babies comes from" book for fathers day...

basgetti · 01/02/2015 21:30

YANBU. Those on this thread who think you are wrong are basically saying that a man's right to have consequence free unprotected sex is more important than a child's right to be supported. I find it disturbing that anyone could think that.

Original poster
horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 21:32

mary you did make me laugh!

We were together for 5 months in 2008 then had the 1NS in 2010. No feelings whatsoever, not a chance of reconciling ever!

Him, as he is, I don't want in her life to flit about and let her down. I only stated that I would love her to have her father involved if he was the decent sort of man!

OP posts:
Fuckmath · 01/02/2015 21:32

YANBU

Obviously not in the slightest

Not sure why people are somehow blaming you

sanquhar · 01/02/2015 21:37

Pah! Pay no attention to the naysaying handmaidens on this thread.

Yanbu, he has to pay whether he likes it or not.

Bogeyface · 01/02/2015 21:38

Abortion is an option, not a requirement in a surprise pregnancy! A woman should not have to shoulder the full financial responsibility of a child just because the man who helped make it decides he didnt want it, especially when that man was that bothered about pregnancy when he was getting his rocks off.

Every adult knows that sex can make babies unless you do something to prevent it, especially an adult who has fathered other children.

The OP didnt use contraception because she didnt need it as far as she knew, he didnt because he didnt give a shit. Frankly I have no sympathy for him, and yes he should pay.

Just because she decided to continue the pregnancy that he didnt want, which after all may be the OPs only chance to be a mother, does not make her unreasonable to expect him to contribute.

I dont know what they teach the boys when the girls are getting "The Period Chat" at school, but I hope that theses days its "either accept that when you have sex you may become a parent with all the responsibilities that entails, or dont have sex".

However, as an aside OP, you really need to insist on condom use in future. Fertility issues notwithstanding, you are risking your sexual health every time you dont and I hope you have been tested since your son was born.

Original poster
horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 21:38

Oh fuckmath thank you so much. I didn't want to be a hysterical poster but felt very lynched for a while, not good when you have an expert manipulator fucking with your head and you are feeling like poo anyway!
Thank you.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 01/02/2015 21:41

Sorry....... especially when that man wasn't that bothered about pregnancy when he was getting his rocks off.

PtolemysNeedle · 01/02/2015 21:42

A woman should not have to shoulder the full financial responsibility of a child just because the man who helped make it decides he didnt want it

Women don't have to shoulder the full financial responsibility of a child, we have a benefits system that allows single mothers not to work for the first years of a child's life.

Original poster
horseygeorgie · 01/02/2015 21:45

Lucky single mothers ptolomy I work damn hard actually.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 01/02/2015 21:45

The point is that if he's your DD's father then he must pay maintenance by law. If he doesn't agree then take him to the CSA. In this case there's no point in arguing the rights and wrongs of men not being able to choose. that is the way it is under the law.

Bogeyface · 01/02/2015 21:45

Women don't have to shoulder the full financial responsibility of a child, we have a benefits system that allows single mothers not to work for the first years of a child's life.

So the tax payer should pay for his right to have bareback sex and then walk away scotfree?!

I am happy to my taxes go to support those who need it, I totally disagree with the cuts that are being made that leave the poor poorer and the vulnerable teetering on the edge. But I do not accept that the benefits system is there so that dead beats like this can walk away from 3, count 'em 3 children he fathered, without so much as a backwards glance.

I am amazed that you would defend his right to do this and then say that we should all pay for it!

PtolemysNeedle · 01/02/2015 21:48

I don't think we should pay for it, but as having the taxpayer pay for your children is something that women can do, then I don't see it as any worse when a man does it.