Maintanance - he's got me doubting myself.

[horseygeorgie]

I have a 3.5 year old DD. Her 'Father' was an ex boyfriend I drunkenly decided to see again. We had a 1 night stand and I haven't seen him since. He's never met DD and firmly believes I should have had a termination. He has in her life given me 2 lump sums of money accounting to £200.
Over the last 6 months I have explained to him we are really struggling and would he please start a monthly contribution. I finally said to him tonight if I can't have a amicable arrangement I will go to CMA on Monday. He has agreed to a monthly payment but says I shouldn't ask him as it was my choice to have her and if I couldn't afford a child I shouldn't have had her. I thought I was infertile and had lost my marriage because of it and I suppose he feels hoodwinked.
AIBU?!? I wouldn't ask him but we really do need help.

[YonicScrewdriver]

I don't think CSA can backdate to a time before they are contacted.

[horseygeorgie]

Thank you all so much. CSA it is!

[almosthuman]

Personally I would follow through with contacting CMA today, your DD has a right to be supported by BOTH parents.

Your ex needs to stop having kids of he is not going to support them and he needs to take responsibility for the children he already has.

Unfortunately there are some posters who will make this thread about abortions and benefits as well as making excuses for non payment of maintenance due to the circumstances of how the child was conceived which is insane.

[YonicScrewdriver]

Good choice OP!

[CupidStuntSurvivor]

Just to clarify OP, you can't start a CSA case (where you used to be able to backdate claims). All new claims are through CMS and they will not backdate under any circumstances. Claims are started from the day you call them. Good luck.

[Andrewofgg]

YANBU and CSA. Don't be hopeful about arrears - he probably has no reserves of cash.

[Bumbiscuits]

Best of luck

[FreudiansSlipper]

YANBU

you have sex a baby might be made we all know this

I despair at those who have the attitude that a man should not have to pay because the woman has decided to go it alone, or he decided not to use contraception himself, or both used contraception and it failed, or pregnancy was a result of a drunken one night stand where no contraception was used, or the safe method was used (and I am sure many of us have taken a risk at some point in our lives)

what message are they passing on to their sons that they do not always have to be fully responsible for their actions but only has to be when it suits them ffs what a shit attitude to have

and to those who claim they will never ask for maintenance because they have made the choice to go it alone, you are also allowing a man to never have to bother to take responsibility for their actions I hope this is not the message you pass on to your children (though of course i understand at times it is best to have no contact at all)

[MorrisZapp]

I'm on the fence. I'd feel odd asking for support from somebody I wasn't with and who wasn't involved with my kid, or wanted to have a baby. That's just me of course. I know lots of women who have chosen single parenthood from the outset and some get support, some don't.

We're not allowed to judge women for making daft mistakes in their personal lives (ie ONS with twatty ex who doesn't support or see his two other kids) but men are supposed to be on high alert at all times and use condoms or else pay a lifelong price.

OP, I'm no expert but I think the law says he must pay. So there's your answer.

[FreudiansSlipper]

really you think women are not judged for having a ons with an ex and then going on to have a baby by him

of course she is judged because society judges women all the time but it is only recently in history that men are being forced to take full responsibility for their actions

[Bumbiscuits]

the law says he must pay. So there's your answer

This. He's legally obliged to support his child. The circumstances of how that child came to be, other than the previous owner of the fertilising sperm, are irrelevant.

[Nerf]

Erm actually op I was pointing that out to stop the taxpayer and benefit comments - taxpayers pay benefits regardless of maintenance so no need to bring that into it.

[Andrewofgg]

CupidStunt I should have RTFT, thanks for that. Probably realistic.

[MorrisZapp]

No I meant on here. I know that society does judge single mothers, and women who have ons. I get that MN is a welcome haven from the misogynist crap peddled by eg the press etc. But that doesn't mean that the reverse must hold true.

[MaryWestmacott]

BTW OP - are you certain it's only 3 children this man has? He doesn't use contraception and his reaction to finding out the woman in his life are pregnant is to act annoyed that they've "done this to him" and tell them to get rid.

Some won't get pregnant, some will have abortions, but 3 you know about (including yourself) haven't and he's not paying for any of his children. (I won't say "DC" because he doesnt seem to consider them 'Dear' or Darling'). Chances are, there's more than 3.

Chances are, you aren't the last ones he'll have sex with without using condoms.

Perhaps you're doing the future woman a bit of good to drum it into him he is actually responsible for the concequences of his actions.

I have no sympathy for men like this - one accidental, unplanned and unwanted child seems unfortunate, 2 seems very careless. 3+ seems like he's doing it delibrately.

[TedAndLola]

No I meant on here. I know that society does judge single mothers, and women who have ons. I get that MN is a welcome haven from the misogynist crap peddled by eg the press etc. But that doesn't mean that the reverse must hold true.

It isn't misandrist (is that a word?) to say that men should financially contribute to children they have created, and that if they don't want to run that risk they need to abstain from penetrative sex with women. It's biology, there's nothing men or women can do about the fact that sex sometimes results in babies, and those babies need to be fed and clothed.

[BreakingDad77]

YANBU

You both had penetrative sex so there will always be the risk of pregnancy.

He sounds like one of these guys that likes to knock lots of women up.

[Goneintohibernation]

YANBU OP. I do have sympathy for men who find themselves fathers, when they would rather not be, but life is not fair. The reason for the unfairness is basic biology, in that women carry the baby, and give birth, and there is nothing any of us can do to change that.

I don't see how people can argue it would be better if men only had to pay for babies they actively wanted to conceive, thus making every baby born due to contraceptive failure totally the mothers responsibility. That would surely be a massive backward step!

[Storm15]

I think he has a point tbh. I know how I'd feel if it was my DS. Not to say I wouldn't give my DS one almighty bollocking for being so utterly stupid.

Equally appalled he appears to make a habit it though. He's a walking condom advert. Maybe if you do claim he'll think twice about having a fourth...?

[horseygeorgie]

'Walking condom advert' made me laugh!

Just so we're clear, I didn't know he had children on the way or otherwise until the mother of one of them massaged me when DD was about 9 months old. We are trying to meet occasionally so DD and her 1/2 brother can have a relationship.

[GoringBit]

Isn't your ex a prince, OP? Three children and not supporting any of them? Well, someone needs to teach him that there are consequences to unprotected sex, and that some will affect him. If he didn't want a child, he should have made sure that you (as a couple) used contraception. He didn't. He shared that responsibility then, and in my opinion, he should share the subsequent responsibility.

I'd say go for support, and go in hard.

[MaryWestmacott]

So OP, the likelyhood is there's others who don't know about you and you don't know about them, and he doesn't care enough about any of his children to be a part of their lives.

You can't make him be a dad. You can't make him take responsibliity for his own actions. You can't make him realise that sex = babies unless you actively prevent it. You can make him pay a small amount of money each month so at least he has to acknowledge that he does have a daughter.

[LayMeDown]

WTF is this attitude that abortion is some type of retroactive contraception for irresponsible men? Something they use as a get out of jail free card for children they dont feel like taking responsibility for?
Abortion is a facility to give women control over there own bodily integrity. It is not an easy decision to have one, it is not always consequence free either physically or mentally. It is not morally an option for many women. A decision to have one should be based soley on the desires of the pregnant woman, it is ludicrious to expect that a woman deciding not to go down this route should absolve the father of any type of responsibility. Abortion is not a reset button.

[LokiBear]

I has a male friend who got a girl pregnant after a few weeks of dating. He desperately wanted the baby but his girlfriend didn't. She terminated (which is her right - her body, her choice) and he was heartbroken. They both failed to use contraception, but conception occurred he had no control whatsoever. My friend ended up being flamed by lots of people because he ended the relationship because he was utterly devastated that his girlfriend had chosen to terminate. As I said before, you have the legal right to ask for financial support. However, I do see your ex ' s pov.

[FreudiansSlipper]

LokiBear your friend did have control he had control over his own body and choose to have sex

as did his girlfriend and she made a choice not to continue with the pregnancy