AIBU to wonder why school mums are so inconsistent?

[Lazaretto]

One morning they acknowledge you, the next morning they blank you? Anyone else notice this? Kind of dumbfounded by it. In most walks of life, once you become acquainted, it's common decency to at least acknowledge each other when you see each other? Am I missing something?

Yes OP, I had this too. My mistake was to carry on being polite for the next 7 years...... Blanked them for the last two years though! Love secondary school!

pictish, i can say with some certainty that you are not one of those mums and don't blank people. if you were, or you'd experienced it, you'd KNOW.

i'm not talking about a conversation, i'm talking about a wave from a distance or a smile in passing being met with a look directly in the eyes but absolutely no acknowledgement AT ALL.

i am not the only one who has this, my dh and a few of my school gate friends have this too, and are also incredulous.

lazaretto, my default rule now is to be friendly and smile at everyone i know, but try to stay away from this group. if i can't, i try to acknowledge with a smile but brace myself for a possible blank, or otherwise suddenly have to attend to one of my wayward children.

it's total crap. one of my friends can't believe that people can be like this. she describes it as a kick in the stomach each time. i've got better at ignoring it over the years.

It isn't just mums - there was a girl on my uni course who was like this. She had quite a pronounced squint so I never did work out whether it was bad eyesight or sheer snootiness. Though I suspected the latter.

YANBU to wonder. I have experienced exactly this.

eddielizzard has it in the final paragraph of her post of 20:22:19 I think.

Yes, the non-British mums are definitely better at saying hello consistently, and I've noticed they have formed their own group with only one British mum among them.

Definitely also noticed a difference between Reception and Year 1, that's a good point. I thought I was almost part of one clique, but those mums have now set up a pick-up rota and not included me. Oh well! I've decided to give up on the rude ones.

If people are clearly being repeatedly, out-and-out rude, then fine, they're being rude. Even then, I'd probably carry on being friendly to them on the moments they were being friendly to me, no skin off my nose. But my life is so much more pleasant and stress-free by just giving people the benefit of the doubt. If someone who I thought had seen me doesn't respond to my wave, I think "oh, she didn't see me". If someone is doing it deliberately, then surely it is so much more satisfying to just not notice?

It makes it sound as if 'school mums' are a breed apart and have things in common - other than a school age child. People are inconsistent- for all sorts of reasons.

My youngest has started year 7 now and I kinda miss the school gates? even though in year 6 I was hardly ever there because he walked home, and and indeed throughout part of year 5. But I did the school walk for nigh on 14 years.

It was the best of times and the worst of times. I encountered snobbery, and cliques -but also true friendship - one of my friends from the school gates committed suicide. I've also been there for people who have been in the middle of divorce, domestic violence - and welcomed new babies into families. We've sat in the sunshine chatting whilst the children played and didn't want to come home - and scurried home when the snow started to fall. I've fallen out with people about who is running what stall at the summer fayre, offered to be the bastard malevolent elf at the school christmas fayre yet again... I once left ds2 in the cloakroom beaming at the coatpegs in bemusement in his pushchair because I forgot I had him with me. When the teacher asked who he belonged to - ds1 denied all knowledge... I've scrunched through leaves in the playground - I've also hoofed it in there tapping my watch waiting for the door to open so I could get to work on time. Come rain or shine, with a bump, new baby, truculent toddler, nervous nursery starter, confident yr 6er -I was there.

I know it sounds trite - but I miss it now

well, I'm glad it's not just me too! I can tell the difference between someone who hasn't noticed me and someone who has noticed me and is deliberately blanking me. I've not come across this anywhere else in my life but at the school gates. It is a very surreal experience!

Yanbu, DW and I got so fed up with this. Not expecting a conversation but a smile or a "hi" in return is surely normal! I don't think I've ever knowingly blanked someone in my entire life. So happy Dd is now at high school!

it's like most social situations. Over time and with a bit of input there are opportunities to really build a community of good friends and acquaintances. I found it took longer than the first year and I made a really good group of friends beyond reception but I tried to be involved with pta and attend events, people were often more consistently friendly once we had met socially, not just passed on the school run. Then we moved house and my kids got two new different primary schools and dc3 started reception, I also have a toddler who has just started nursery and look after another who I take to groups.
This year dd1 started secondary. We are sort of starting again socially.

I can barely remember the names of their new school friends, let alone which parents I have met at which school. Sometimes I am walking down the road with a buggy attempting to monitor a toddler on a scooter and have just found out that one of my kids has forgotten their lunch/homework/pants. I reckon I often don't respond to a smile or even a hello, it's not intended to be rude in any way at all. Equally sometimes people dont respond to me. On the other hand I also know there are parents in reception who have spoken to me, realised we have nothing in common and would prefer to talk to other people. I would generally also prefer that they talk to other people so that suits me fine. There are others who I think may become friends.

knackered69 I think you have it spot on. I have 8 more years ahead of me and I know there will be a gap once it has gone...

Maybe tired, mind on other things, late, distracted, not in the mood, unaware, rushing to next appointment and so on... Don't stress ! Cheery smile and a big hello when you can muster it!

Also it's like enforced sociability. Sometimes you just want to be introverted bit can't because you have to make chit chat to avoid offending everyone!

I have a hearing issue which means I am probably guilty of seeming to blank people...

I don't mean to, but often genuinely don't realise I've just walked past someone I know. The hearing thing means unless I'm actively listening, as in I know someone's speaking to me, I go into my own little world where I can only hear my own thoughts.

If I realise I've done it I make an effort to look for the person the following day to say hi, so yes, I must seem very inconsistent!

Fitzgerald being polite is enforced sociability?

In any case, why should I put up with your moods. Today you are pleasant, tomorrow you are sulky? And you would expect me to play along? No way.

Micah, what about a smile and eye contact? Hearing does not affect that ability to return either.

This is a peculiar British thing (and perhaps the South).

Forget yourself. Good to remember this, as in life not everyone is thinking about you. So especially when raising little kids the school run mornings are usually chaotic/noisy/tiring. Don't be offended and keep smiling anyway.

Firzgerald I agree. I am a friendly soul, really I am, and outgoing too, but there are as many days where I skulk in the car till I hear the bell going off, so I can avoid the interaction, as those when I'm giving chat.
It's hard work being social when you're not in the mood. Some days I am a bit head down and no eye contact...but it's nothing personal.

But I would still not ignore a greeting.

I've got the double whammy of being short-sighted and not good with faces, so, yeah, saying hello to people is very much pot luck for me.

I've also gone the other way, and cheerfully said hi to women round town, only to remember later that I don't actually know them, and only recognise them because they have purple hair/facial piercings/an extremely loud voice etc

I often have a hundred things on my mind when I drop off at school in the morning; tired from child waking me in the night, stresses about work, stressed about whether my child's special needs are being met, thinking about stuff, forgotten fleeces or PE kits or swimming bag, the tantrum that happens many days as we leave the house, the tantrum caused by forgetting the scooter or letting the wrong child use it or not driving to school and making everyone walk, wondering where my 3yo has run off to and always trying to half keep an eye on him and my others even when talking to people, calculating how many days it is till payday and whether I can afford to replace lost socks ....

Sometimes I'm fine and sociable but if not, it's never anything personal and I'd never assume anyone not consistently saying hello to me was being purposefully rude either. Id probably say hello to them regardless of response and offer them a friendly smile, they might be having a hard day too.

Must you know a person to return a smile or a hello? They are no asking to be your best friend or to be invited round for tea. It is just 'hi'. Trust me, it won't kill you.

I wonder this myself sometimes, OP - but - I also know suspect that I am that Mum sometimes.

I do drop-offs on my way to work, and am in a rush, have stuff on my mind, am in my own little world once I've said goodby to DS and am heading to the car. I am also a bit short-sighted without my glasses.

I am certain I have blanked people before.

I'm also not great with faces, and so unless - even if - we've met and chatted before, I won't necessarily properly recognise people in amidst the throng of other parents.

I really hope I haven't been rude to people, but I probably have, and it's 100% unintentional. I apologise!

And I try to remember this when I get blanked by people I know!

I do exclude the weirdo couple of Mums who always blank me when I try to make eye-contact and smile at them, in spite of knowing full-well who I am, but that's their (weird) issue, not mine!

Some mornings I drop off and I haven't put my contact lenses in yet so Ive resorted to explaining that I've only just spotted them a metre from my vision if I realise they've probably been smiling at me from half way down the street.
Our school is very friendly but we all have our mornings of being distracted or have our minds on other things so don't see people right in front of us. We have got past the point of being offended or paranoid about it. And some days we have just got out of the wrong side of bed and do not want conversation of any description.

I've had this from school run Dads too! It used to bother me but I've learnt to develop a thick skin and not take it personally over the years. One blank is usually compensated by several cheery 'hellos' and 'mornings'.