To feel a bit miffed about paying maintenance??

[phoenixrose314]

My DH and I recently set up a joint bank account for the first time. We've been together for 8 years, married for 5 of them, and finally decided to sort out finances so we're equally paying the same amount, as at the moment we're making around the same amount of money.

He gave me the number he'd calculated that I need to transfer to the joint account each month to cover all our bills - I asked him to do it as he had a day off and he's a lot better at maths than I am. It seemed a bit steep so I asked to see the list of calculations - he handed them over and I was a bit surprised to see that he'd included his child maintenance payments for my DSS and DSD in amongst the rest of the outgoings for each month.

Now I love my stepchildren to bits, they spend a lot of time at ours and I do contribute by buying their gifts at birthdays and Christmases (DH is usually stumped for ideas!), and am always taking them for days out and buying them the odd thing when we're out and about... We have a great relationship and we've luckily never had any issues. THAT I am happy to do.

Am I being unreasonable to assume that I shouldn't contribute to DH's maintenance payments? I want to bring it up but have a slight feeling DH will overreact/be really moody with me for it.

You are married. So, whatever your income is, it's paying for maintenance anyway, and it has always paid, as you'd find out if you split, because the joint assets would be divided in half.

When you married him you entered a contract where your income and his income, and your expenses and his expenses, become joint. Didn't you think of this at the time?

YANBU. I would tell him I will not contribute to his child maintnenace. He just assumed? That's presumptuous as all hell if you have not been so far. I would be honest. He gets moody or overreacts that's his lookout and says more about him than you.

When you married him you entered a contract where your income and his income, and your expenses and his expenses, become joint.

Where did you get married, OP?

If it was in the UK you signed no such contract.

Interesting positions in this thread.

If you already have children and marry someone who doesn't, would you expect for you and your children to only live off your own income and for your OHs to live in Armani, have a BMW and eat expensive food while you live in charity shop clothes, take the bus and eat rice and beans?
Curious.

If my dp died (God forbid not), I would be financially ok & wouldn't need a partner's money. If we moved in together, I would household expenses to be shared, would expect to pay my dc's holidays, clothes, entertainment but with accept with gratitude if a partner wanted to contribute. If we split & I was RP, I would be poorer, pretty much the same as above. If we split & I was NRP (could happen, dh is a very involved dad), i can't imagine asking a new partner to contribute towards a maintenance payment! Would expect household costs to be shared as above.

God, excuse all the grammatical errors/typos above, on my phone! Hope it's still legible!

There is a very definite mumsnet split about finances. Either a joint pot or separate money. The answer to the ops dilemma depends entirely on which camp she is in and how they operated previously. Neither is wrong.

If either of them wants to change the status quo then much discussion and agreement must take place.

Personally I'm in the joint pot camp but then I've never understood the logic of separate finances when you are supposed to be working together as a team.

As far as I am aware, when calculated a new partners earnings are not taken into account when maintenance payments are calculated. So no, you should not have to pay towards it.

I don't care what the law says, if you marry someone with children then those children become your family. If you don't agree with this then you have no business marrying someone with children.

Cm is just a payment to make up for the fact that the nrp is no longer contributing to the household that the children live in and is a fraction of what would be paid if they lived with you, why you would be bitter and twisted about contributing to the support of a child you willing took on is beyond me.

here is a big difference between someone refusing to pay towards food for their partner's children to eat whilst they are with their dad, and refusing to pay towards his maintenance payments

I don't see a big difference, tbh. Both go towards the children eating, shelter and clothes.

Also, would you be happy to have less money to spend than your partner if you were paying maintenance?

I don't care what the law says, if you marry someone with children then those children become your family. If you don't agree with this then you have no business marrying someone with children.

What happens when/if you divorce? Are children so disposable they can be a part of your family one moment and then completely not the next? It's one of those catch 22's of step parenting again. If those children completely became your family you would have rights to access them after a divorce, yes?

I love dsd dearly. But I do not have any financial, legal or any other kinds of obligations to her. She has two parents, they are responsible for her financially etc. no one else.

There seem to be a lot of bitter people here insistent that it should be a step parents job to help shoulder the responsibility of children they did not create. It's not.

Cm is just a payment to make up for the fact that the nrp is no longer contributing to the household that the children live in

Yes. The NRP. Not the NRP's new partner. Which is the issue here.

We have the same set up in our house (we split bills and share whatever is left) BUT he pays the child maintenance himself, and has openly said he would not allow me to pay it, ever. As slicedanddiced said, those children have 2 parents who are responsible for them. It doesn't make my step son any less a part of our family it just means I'm not contributing to his mothers finances to take care of him, I also have personal expenditure that I don't expect him to contribute to..

My exH didn't have less spending money because he was ill. The same should apply if he had previous children.
Not sure why people would support children living with them, but not away from them. Surely the children need to be supported regardless of where they live.

That is for DP, her mum and her mum's partner to do.

Why is it for her mums partner to do it though? He is no more DSDs parent than you are.

If you are putting all your money into one pot and all the expenses come out of that pot, then obviously the maintenance has to be paid out of this.

If you are just putting in say 50% each (or whatever the split according to your respective earning amount) to cover the basic household expenses, and then you each get to keep what remains of your earnings, then the maintenance should not be included in the household expenses - it's not a household expense, it's his maintenance to pay out of his salary.