To feel a bit miffed about paying maintenance??

[phoenixrose314]

My DH and I recently set up a joint bank account for the first time. We've been together for 8 years, married for 5 of them, and finally decided to sort out finances so we're equally paying the same amount, as at the moment we're making around the same amount of money.

He gave me the number he'd calculated that I need to transfer to the joint account each month to cover all our bills - I asked him to do it as he had a day off and he's a lot better at maths than I am. It seemed a bit steep so I asked to see the list of calculations - he handed them over and I was a bit surprised to see that he'd included his child maintenance payments for my DSS and DSD in amongst the rest of the outgoings for each month.

Now I love my stepchildren to bits, they spend a lot of time at ours and I do contribute by buying their gifts at birthdays and Christmases (DH is usually stumped for ideas!), and am always taking them for days out and buying them the odd thing when we're out and about... We have a great relationship and we've luckily never had any issues. THAT I am happy to do.

Am I being unreasonable to assume that I shouldn't contribute to DH's maintenance payments? I want to bring it up but have a slight feeling DH will overreact/be really moody with me for it.

YANBU, if you are paying for joint expenses and not pooling money then it's his to pay.

fedup actually there is no legal notion that says that at all or expects it and as absent father's are told, if you can't afford to maintain the financial standard of your existing kids you shouldn't be having more with a new partner should you.your children are the sole responsibility of you and their father no one else

Gosh, I must be mistaken about how the Law says I must declare a new partner's income and have our household joint income taken into account for tax credit and benefit assessment purposes when he moves in with me...? So yes, there is a legal expectation there that he takes on at least some financial responsibility for meeting household expenses. Or it's fine for my children to starve and go naked when I am unable to work due to ill health or disability?

And it is frequently bandied around on here that it is perfectly acceptable to start a new relationship and have more children and that all the children concerned just have to put up with it and any subsequent loss of standard of living. So which is it? That I am allowed to move on, or I'm not?

Oh and whilst I'm at it, the Law says that my ex must maintain his children? He hasn't done that for 6 years now. He's still walking around without a care in the world, a new partner who's children he is presumably supporting because she doesn't work, and not one person in his life seems to think there is anything wrong with that (or they wouldn't be in his life). And he is legally allowed a relationship with our children because apparently, money isn't everything and they can exist on fresh air, and it's my fault for having children with him in the first place. I mean, gosh, what did I expect? That marriage was a commitment and planned for children that were very much wanted actually meant he could shag any old whore and I would pick up the tab ????

The system is well and truly fucked. But do, OP, carry on and don't worry about your partner's children and their needs. Thousands of other men and women out there couldn't give a shit, so why should you?

Haven't RTFT but I would (and did) pay maintenance and the cost of putting DSS through Uni. My belief is that when I married DH the kids became my family too and it didn't bother me in the slightest paying. Since joining mumsnet I realise that lots of people consider step kids not to be their family (which I still find odd) but I guess it depends on how you view your step kids, family or not family.

YANBU

If you haven't been paying half of the CM up to now, why does he suddenly expect you to start doing so now after being married for 5 years?

mrsstar my dsc's are family but their financial dependence is for their mum and dad to deal with not me.

fedup - you are talking about household bills and no I don't agree that it is right that benefits designed to help kids are reduced in the circumstances you discuss. however we are specifically discussing maintenance and that is NOT a household expense. it is an expense of the nrp and there's to pay. if your dp had children with someone else would you hand over money or benefits you get to their mum?

wheresthelight - thats what I love about mumsnet, hearing other people's views that differ from mine. I personally consider them to be my children in all areas including responsibility but totally appreciate that I am not their mum (although DSD does call me that and doesn't have a relationship with BM anymore). It genuinely never occurred to me until coming on here that anyone would feel any differently so whilst it still surprises me to hear other views I completely see that everyone is different. I guess thats why a lot of the threads slating step mums are so ridiculous!

if you can't afford to maintain the financial standard of your existing kids you shouldn't be having more with a new partner

What happens if, after a few years, you get made redundant from your well-paying job and struggle to find another, particularly on the same salary? You can't take the children back to Tesco and get a refund.

You have children from birth to 18, more likely into their 20s, if they go to university. If you have more than one child, that might be a financial commitment for 39 years or more, before all your children can support themselves. No one can guarantee they won't experience ill-health or a stockmarket crash or redundancy or something else which means they will always be able to guarantee the same standard of living for themselves and those they support.

if I lived with my boyfriend, wheresthelight, I wouldn't receive any benefits of any variety, such would be our joint income. I would have an expectation that he would always pay child maintenance and that child maintenance is a household expense we must always treat as an essential - kind of like a mortgage that if you didn't pay it, you would expect reprecussions. I would only seek to reduce in circumstances where we could no longer afford it - that would mean, for me, my money paying towards it in the event of his illness or unemployment. I take this view because I have been single for a long time now and understand the difficulties involved in bringing up children and the impact the loss of even a small amount of money can have on the household budget and the stress of managing it. I also see our household and our income as exactly that: 'ours' and I wouldn't personally be living with someone who wanted what's 'mine is mine' 'cos that's not the kind of relationship I want. This may explain why I have lived alone for so long now!

I accept people see things differently and that's fine providing there is a genuine 'living on own money' at all times within the partnership. What I don't accept is the people out there who expect a man to contribute to their household and their children but who refuse to acknowledge existing children and their needs beyond a basic rate CSA payment and the excuse that 'it's my money' when they are happy to take from their partner to support their children. And I'm sorry, but I don't believe that 99.9% of people in blended families support their own children to the extent that they buy their food, clothes etc. from their money whilst making a contribution to a joint 'pot' for joint stuff. It's just not practical.

And don't get me started on the 'but she earns more than us' cries...

I haven't read the full thread yet, but in our family my DH and I have joint finances which means he spends a lot of money on keeping DD1 who isn't his. In fact he regularly goes without because she needs things, we both do, but shes my child so its more noticeable when he is sacrificing things for her.

My ex's maintenance is only calculated on his income, which is fair enough, but he lives with his partner who is working full time.

So why is it acceptable for my DH to contribute but not his DP? I don't want her money tbh and of course she pays towards that house and food etc, (which is only a fraction of what DH pays) but if I posted on here saying my DH refused to buy DD1 new clothes or whatever I would be told to LTB. I have seen it happen.

I can see why you feel the way you do. But I think YABU.

I should make clear that my DH spends more on DD1 than her own dad does too. He gives me less than basic rate CSA each month if we are lucky. It doesn't touch the cost of raising a child.

YANBU.
They are his responsibility and he should be funding them not you. Why should you be penalised financially for his failed relationship with their mother?
He should also be buying their xmas and birthday presents. "Stumped?" What a cop out on all counts.

I am in the 'other wife' situation that Fairylea - I pay DHs maintenance because he is a SAHD (through redundancy and not through lack of trying to get a job before anyone jumps on him). I love DSS and have been in his life for over ten years.

HOWEVER, if when DH was working he'd just expected me to pay into the maintenance pot I would not be pleased. I pay now because it's not fair that DSS' family should suffer while DH is out of work. You should both pay in half for the joint debts like the mortgage, and the full amounts each for individual credit cards and maintenance!

Doesn't it go by 'household' though?

My dad paid maintenance for us, an accepted amount - but tbh, my stepdad probably paid more over the years in terms of upkeep, roof over head, food, clothes for me etc.

But then my dad paid those things for my step-siblings that lived with him and stepmum permanently - because they were part of his household - and their dad paid no maintenance at all, and stepmum didn't work.

If my stepmum had worked, I don't think any of us would have expected her to chip in towards me/db's CM.

i wouldnt pay

Fedupbutfine- your ex is a dick and you sound like you're having a rough time. But the situation with the OP is not the same - her DH has been paying maintenance fine and only now they have a joint account wants her contribution. It doesn't sound like the DH suddenly can't or won't contribute - just that he now wants to split the responsibility, which isn't fair!

No it doesn't go by household Sabrina.

It did in your situation, but if it went by household then NRPs wouldn't have to pay maintenance would they?

NRPs are expected to pay maintenance no matter what the income of the RPs household is and no matter how many children they have in their own house. Their income and the amount of children they have affects how much they pay, but nothing else.

but you are still talking household fedup no one is disputing that step mum's/dad's pay into the pot for food/roof over head etc but we are specifically talking Cm payments which are ONLY the responsibility of the parent of the kids.

if God forbid dp is ever out of work we have insurance policies that will pay the mortgage and his CM requirements however when that runs out unfortunately the ex will only get what he cam afford as my priority is to keeping a roof over our heads and my dd

But the situation with the OP is not the same - her DH has been paying maintenance fine and only now they have a joint account wants her contribution. It doesn't sound like the DH suddenly can't or won't contribute - just that he now wants to split the responsibility, which isn't fair!

and as I keep saying, and it is indeed considered fair that any partner I live with would automatically contribute towards the upkeep of my children. Should why should it be any different?

You don't have joint finances, OP.

You have a joint account, and an agreement that you should both (as equal earners) contribute equally to joint expenses.

His child maintenance is not a joint expense, it's his expense.

Yes, that will mean you have more disposable income. But then children are expensive and he has two and you have none.

What really stands out for me op, is the fact that you are worried about talking to him about this!

Yes that would be fair.

But those are conversations you have at the beginning of the relationship, not five years in with an expectation of suddenly sharing!

It's fair if everything is shared equally.

If he is driving a bmw and you are in a third hand fiesta or if your hobby is knitting and his is downhill skiing then things aren't shared equally.

Make sure birthday presents etc come out of the joint acct.

I think it depends on how you handle money generally.

If you pool everything then YABU.

If you have separate finances apart from the cost of running your house then YANBU.

Yabu all money should come from one pot.