to think none of my friends will get divorced?

[redredholly]

I am in my 30s and lots of my friends are at the start of their marriages (or up to ten years in), and they all seem really happy. None of them have got divorced yet. Ok there was one person but there were no kids or property involved and it was literally a silly young mistake.

I simply can't imagine any of these real marriages breaking down. I wonder if divorce was more a thing of the baby boomer generation and not so much in mine?

Only time will tell. It might be you op that will be the first to get divorced or it might be a couple you never image or none. Wait and see

A surprising number of marriages go south once kids are older 16/17 Or at uni

I'm in my early 40s, all my married mates are still married, but most of my mates in general aren't married. DH's friends are more shacked up - two had 'starter marriages' when quite young that split without kids, two couples have broken up in the last 3 years.

One totally unsurprising and everyone saw it coming miles off as husband was just never in the country; recent one not all that surprising as couple with very strong personalities. I reckon everyone else's marriages are pretty rock solid in that group of mates, who all know each other.

Hardly any of my friends are divorced or separated. Even one of my best friends who did is now back with her husband. This is maybe 20 couples. We've all mostly been together 20-25 years and approaching 50. But I would say half of DH's mates are divorced, maybe more. That's about 15 couples. I can't imagine many of my friends divorcing but obviously you never know. And DH has been quite annoying today so...

Most of the divorced couples I know, the marriage fell apart in their 40s.
Amongst these were some genuine surprises eg a couple married for 20 years who I had always thought of as particularly happily married.

It really is true that you have no idea what is going on in someone else's marriage.

Same age and we’ve seen 3 divorces amongst our friends already. All married less than 5 years. If your friends have only just got married, perhaps they haven’t had children yet, with all the associated pressure that brings.

Apparently the most common time to divorce is when your youngest kid is around 2. And again when they leave home. How many of your friends are at this stage?

Oh they will - in your 30s you are still on the life conveyor belt (school, travel, uni, career, buy a flat, travel, move in w boyfriend, marriage, kid 1, bigger house, kid 2, move out of the city, kids start school... etc etc) - that conveyor belt ends some time in your 40s and people start looking around and thinking now what - IMO in the 40s it tends to be slightly more dramatic break ups (affairs, someone being a fuckwit), in the 50s/early 60s it's more - I'm fond of you but actually I want something else out of the rest of my life, and we can afford that, so...

Often people end up happier than they were (not always mind you), so don't worry about it - but some of your friendship group will divorce for sure -

I disagree with the baby boomers being more likely to divorce compared to now.

I’ve seen many couples get divorced and not that long into marriage. I think the whole big day has taken over for many and once they have that and reality kicks in it goes pear shaped.

@partyatthepalace

That’s bang on. Such an accurate picture of reality.

I know quite a large group of people through my sport, and none of them are divorced. They also just don't seem the types. Most of them had known each other for years before getting married and share the same hobby, which is quite outdoorsy, so do things together at weekends as a big family unit with their children now.

They're also of an age group which is ultra aware of the financial and emotional cost of getting divorced.

The 2 people I know who are divorced - one got married very young to a man at uni following an accidental pregnancy and neither were ever particularly happy, and the other married a much older ageing lothario who then became even more selfish when they had children and she just had a miserable life. Anyone would have struggled to stay with him, even though he is charismatic and cheerful.

My ex's father got divorced acrimoniously and my ex cheated on me and came out with the line that he's never going to get married due to the risk of divorce or be settled with one woman (he's 40 now) because his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all had bad divorces.

@partyatthepalace

Oh they will - in your 30s you are still on the life conveyor belt (school, travel, uni, career, buy a flat, travel, move in w boyfriend, marriage, kid 1, bigger house, kid 2, move out of the city, kids start school... etc etc) - that conveyor belt ends some time in your 40s and people start looking around and thinking now what - IMO in the 40s it tends to be slightly more dramatic break ups (affairs, someone being a fuckwit), in the 50s/early 60s it's more - I'm fond of you but actually I want something else out of the rest of my life, and we can afford that, so...

Often people end up happier than they were (not always mind you), so don't worry about it - but some of your friendship group will divorce for sure -

I would agree with this...we are both late forties and the vast majority of couples we know are still together (marriages of around 15-20 years in length). I’m aware of two divorces so far out of an overall group of maybe 40 couples across our combined university friendship groups. Everyone else is still together.

But that’s not to say life won’t bring people further challenges and as others say, issues often arise once kids have all left home for university and all those ticks have been achieved on the life chart and the ‘okay, what now?’ questions start being asked. You never know what might happen. I think to just assume no one will divorce because they seem a solid couple in their thirties is a bit of a simplistic view tbh.

I would be very interested for the OP to come back and update us on the marriages. 6 years on a lot could have changed and even if they're all still together she may have seen some relationships differently now.

I can't really imagine any of my friends getting divorced, but most have only just got married after being together 10+ years.

The only couple I could see splitting up due to marriage difficulties, I know the wife couldn't leave as they have four kids and she hasn't worked since 16 and could never afford to house and feed all the kids on her own. I'd be surprised if there aren't more women like her out there who are riding it out because they have no other option rather than because they're actually happy in the marriage.

Haha, was head over heels in love with my childhood sweetheart. Noone could imagine us apart. Married after ten years together , four DC and 15 years of marriage and he turned out to be a manipulative, cheating bastard.
I too was that person who thought that there was no way we would ever split but we did and in the worst possible way.
Oh and he was remorseful but because I chose not to accept him cheating on me and stay with him does not make me weak or not want to fight for my marriage. Thats a very naive thing to say.

@fortygin

Weak? No, strong. Good for you.

I assume some of them will, sometimes I wonder who will go first.Sometimes I think maybe us! Even though no one would probably think we would. But you never know what goes on behind closed doors all the time, or certainly not to the full extent. All relationships go through difficult periods at some point.

I remember my close friend who’s ten years older divorcing her husband a few years ago. They were always laughing and seemed so in love, I aspired to having a marriage like theirs. Turns out there were loads of problems- adultery and financial, half arsed parenting etc. I was shocked and bit devastated about it all.

HAHAHAHAHAH

FlyingPandas I’m aware of two divorces so far out of an overall group of maybe 40 couples across our combined university friendship groups. Everyone else is still together.

I sometimes wonder if people who choose to do things like go to university are more "conventional" and likely to be satisfied with the professional/good job, nice family unit and home ideal. Not just university graduates, but also people who commit to a settled career, maybe one you have to do an apprenticeship or training in from a young age.

So they are more likely to make decisions based on maintaining those lifestyle choices than someone who is more erratic or leads a less planned life?

I would have said the same a year ago and now I have two divorced/divorcing friends (one in mid 30s one in early 40s). A lot can change in a very short space of time.

Life happens. Several of my friends are divorced now. I wouldn’t have placed a bet on any of these friends splitting up. It’s not possible to predict.

😂😂😂😂 Nobody gets married thinking they will get divorced. And yet, the rate is approx 50% end in divorce....

@UrsulaBuffay

None of them will die either, I mean they haven't yet so...

This made me laugh.

YABVU. Come back in ten years and report back. You come across as incredibly naive.

I love your sense of optimism. Unfortunately though I think you need a bit more realism. Over time people change ( men and women), and as a result finish up with very different and sometimes very different outlooks. No one's fault but people grow apart. Also as some people get older (and it is mostly men from experience who do this), they decide that life would be more exciting with someone else. Then they leave their partner (often at the time looking after children completely high and dry. This can be devastating and happened to a few of my friends. There is maybe some form of safety measure that sucks women in, and often they are the last to see that the relationship has gone. My strong advice is never make yourself more vulnerable by wholly giving up work, and never wholly rely on a man... I know that sounds harsh, but it is really true.