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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think none of my friends will get divorced?

174 replies

redredholly · 30/01/2015 19:18

I am in my 30s and lots of my friends are at the start of their marriages (or up to ten years in), and they all seem really happy. None of them have got divorced yet. Ok there was one person but there were no kids or property involved and it was literally a silly young mistake.

I simply can't imagine any of these real marriages breaking down. I wonder if divorce was more a thing of the baby boomer generation and not so much in mine?

OP posts:
Guyropes · 30/01/2015 21:55

Op, PLEASE will you resurrect this thread on an annual basis for the next 10 years with a report on how everyone's marriage is doing?Smile

morethanpotatoprints · 30/01/2015 21:56

I think if you look back you will see surges from time to time.
There was a huge surge when women got more rights over property and before that children Shock There used to be a huge stigma attached to being a divorcee and churches/traditional families encouraged couples to stay together whatever the reason.
When this changed and women were treated better there was a huge surge in divorce.

I think likewise over the last 20 years or so. I'm not suggesting it is easy when you have dc after you are divorced, but there are far more opportunities than before. Women are able to provide for themselves and their dc now, there are success stories everywhere you look.

In between the surges the stats just seem to stay fairly constant until the next surge.

MoanCollins · 30/01/2015 22:06

Also...there are less divorces now because less people get married...

Original poster
redredholly · 30/01/2015 22:24

Yes ok guyropes. I thought it would make a great AIBU!! Wine

OP posts:
MoanCollins · 30/01/2015 22:34

It doesn't work like that CreamBun. There simply are no guarantees.

I've had friends in a similar situation to you who lost a child to cot death, then discovered their organs were kept for years without their consent, overcame debt, several other family stresses and tragedies and they split. Honestly it can happen to almost anyone. Funnily enough I've sometimes found it has been the most unlikely couples who have made it through until they die.

I'm not saying you're going to split with your husband and I hope you don't but the most surprising things do happen and I think anybody who can't even acknowledge that there's a chance it could happen to them is deluding themselves.

Guyropes · 30/01/2015 22:45

No, red, want a longitudinal study !!!!

creambun2014 · 30/01/2015 22:55

I just think you have to have the passion and best friend elements. I believe if you truly have them they dont fade. It does depend on your approach, and although we may have a small bicker at times. We are more likely to say I know it is stressful right now, but its only a phase.

I often see the whole we woke up one day and realised the sex wasnt there any more, we know longer had shared interests or my personal worst 'we became different people'. These things dont just happen, or spring up on you out of nowhere.

itosh · 31/01/2015 00:17

That is lovely as your friends are clearly all in very happy relationships.

wish I could say the same for some of mine

ASAS · 31/01/2015 00:36

Pre-parenting, in response to being told about three different couples with children that were all divorcing I literally said to the messenger, "What's the point in that, they've done the hard part?"

I genuinely assumed the hard part was finding someone you love who loved you back and getting married and mortgaged. I hand on heart assumed becoming parents was the start of the easy part and from that point it was plane sailing til retirement. This sounds like madness, but I was seriously this naive.

I think the decision to split must be so difficult to reach, and I hope I now have far more empathy.

Statistically the first couple to go in our group went very quickly. I was so newly pregnant at their wedding I didn't want anyone to know I was being sick in the loo. By the time I was 30 weeks they had separated. A situation that I found both happy and sad, must have too a bit of courage from at least one of them.

Patatas · 31/01/2015 00:36

I am one of three sisters, we are all divorced (parents happily married 40 plus years).

One was predictable, other two certainly weren't.

You just never know what is right the corner.

User24689 · 31/01/2015 00:57

I'm getting married in 8 weeks, to DP of 8 years. I can't imagine ever living without him... But I can't know for sure that we'll stay together forever. My parents divorced when I was 22, after 30 years of marriage! Nobody could believe it, but the relationship very gradually broke down over time. After that happened I accepted that you just can't know and nobody from the outside can tell, looking in.

Patatas · 31/01/2015 01:05

*round the corner! You never know what is round the corner! Wine

unclerory · 31/01/2015 01:15

Divorces seem to go in waves. I knew three couples who divorced when they turned 30. One of those couples should never have been married, but one surprised everyone. In my thirties I knew people who got divorced very quickly after a marriage that was obviously a mistake. At least all those couples didn't have kids. In my 40s we are now hearing of friends and family with kids who are getting divorced when it's all so much sadder because so many more people are affected. But, e.g. my BIL and SIL have had a happy divorce where they still effectively coparent and spend time as a family together and get on better now than they have for years.

Life is difficult and you don't know what will be the straw that breaks the marriage, all you can do is do your best to try and marry a decent person and try and be a decent person yourself and hope that if things do go wrong then you work together (assuming no major fuckwittage) to minimise the effect on the children.

tumbletumble · 31/01/2015 01:31

I feel the same way as you, OP. I know some divorced people who I did not know while they were married, and I know two couples who got married young and didn't last long. Also one long-term couple who split after having DC but had never actually been married.

But the vast majority of my friends are married, and seem happy and settled. I like to think it'll stay that way. Who knows??

I'm 40 and have been married for 11 years btw.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 31/01/2015 01:49

I'm 35 and been married for 14 years. We have two young children.

Five years ago none of my friends were divorced. Now loads are. Sad

From what I can tell the dodgy stage seems to be between babies being born and youngest child going to school. From what I can tell if you can get the little one to school with marriage intact then you have a good shot! My youngest is 20 months so I still have over 2 years before I am "safe"!

One thing that does have a huge impact on you is the first time a good friend divorces. When this happened to me and dh we weren't in a great marriage place. Nothing terrible but dd was nearly 2 and still wasn't regularly sleeping through the night, she was also being very "challenging" as the terrible twos hit early, we'd both changed jobs quite recently and were struggling, we had no local family to help out and dh's dad was ill so we were worried about him but too far away to be any real help. Our relationship was ok but nothing great.

Suddenly friends (with a chold of a similar age) got divorced. And they were ok! The world kept spinning. Their dd was fine. They sorted all the practicalities. I realised that if I wanted to I could divorce dh and that would be an ok thing to do. And then I realised that I didn't want to. Because I loved him. I might be too knackered to tell him but I did!

I've also seen "waves" of divorces as presumably having realised that you can divorce and the world won't end - they did!

limegoldfinewine · 31/01/2015 02:33

Well if your friends are getting married in their 30s, then statistically they are in a good spot. The two strongest statistical indicators of marital success are education and age. Higher the education and the later you get married, on average the more likely your marriage is to succeed. The divorce rate is only 42% in the UK. And it's lower in both these cases, I looked mainly at US statistics (that's where I am) but I think the divorce rate among women with a masters or above who marry over age 30 is under 5%.

limegoldfinewine · 31/01/2015 02:38

Also, for many years women who were educated faced a "marriage penalty" - less likely to get married. Now it's awesome. We are more likely to get married AND less likely to get divorced! Hooray for equality!

creambun2014 · 31/01/2015 03:32

Do you know what the statistics are for teenage brides with masters degrees?

Redglitter · 31/01/2015 04:13

you have no idea what's going on behind the scenes though. One of my close friends has just announced she's separating from her husband. They are genuinely the last couple I'd ever have expected to split. On the surface they seem to have everything and be blissfully happy. NoOne can believe they're splitting up

just because you think they're all happy doesn't mean they are

HellKitty · 31/01/2015 05:45

I'm in my 40s, divorced and going to marry this this year. Of my immediate school friends they either married at 18 and are still together or didn't find 'him' until their mid to late 30s. As for 3 guys DP went to school with, 1 is still blissfully married (they're all over each other after 20+ years), another has been divorced twice and this current marriage is very volatile and the third? He spent a year shagging some girl and although it's over now the wife never found out.

You just don't know what goes on in other people's relationships.

Kelly1814 · 31/01/2015 05:59

I'm almost 40. I spent most of my twenties going to the weddings of friends. Sorry to tell you, but lots and lots of them are divorced now. I can think of 6 off the top of my head.

tumbletumble · 31/01/2015 08:25

According to the ONS, divorce rate in the UK is highest between age 40-44.

bloodygorgeous · 31/01/2015 08:45

I would have said the same at 30.

Now I feel exactly the opposite at 48 - I would be surprised if half marriages I know will survive.

It's life stage.

At 30 (generally speaking) you have house moves and children bearing to take up your time - all stressful but exciting.

At 40 that's coming to an end.

Approaching 45/50 it's mid life crisis time - kids moving on and out, what do you want out of life - do I really really want to live with this man/woman for the rest of my life?

MsJupiter · 31/01/2015 08:52

The phrase 'tough it out' implies that leaving your husband after he has cheated is the easy option. For many people it takes great strength to make that break. It is not a question of walking away freely and easily vs 'toughing it out'.

Chunderella · 31/01/2015 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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