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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think none of my friends will get divorced?

174 replies

redredholly · 30/01/2015 19:18

I am in my 30s and lots of my friends are at the start of their marriages (or up to ten years in), and they all seem really happy. None of them have got divorced yet. Ok there was one person but there were no kids or property involved and it was literally a silly young mistake.

I simply can't imagine any of these real marriages breaking down. I wonder if divorce was more a thing of the baby boomer generation and not so much in mine?

OP posts:
Fairylea · 30/01/2015 19:35

Oh dear... such naivety.

Two things ... you never know what REALLY goes on behind closed doors and even the happiest marriages can go horribly wrong many years down the line.

(Been married more than once myself and come from divorced parents).

SinglePringle · 30/01/2015 19:36

I kinda agree with you. I'm not married or in a relationship so no smugness here but I look at my good friends marriages and think they seem very well suited and happy. I appreciate you can't always know but I've thought about it and can't imagine which one of my friends would get divorced.

I hope I'm right.

WineCowboy · 30/01/2015 19:36

Some of the most unexpected couples have got divorced out of my close friends, it's now roughly at 50% ten years in (we all got married within the same few years) so I think you are a little bit naive, but obviously hoping for the best!

SinglePringle · 30/01/2015 19:38

Oh and we're all mid 40's / early 50's and theyve all (bar one) got kids, been married for 10 to 20 years.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 30/01/2015 19:38

Red, I know exactly where you see coming from! Also in my thirties, and I don't know any of my peers who have divorced. Everyone seems happy. Of course that could change behind closed doors but, if that is the case, they are bloody good actors!

I look at my DH of five years and I just can't imagine us ever ever ever divorcing. It is an utterly alien concept to me. But I guess we are very early on in our marriage people will say....

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 30/01/2015 19:40

Funnily enough I was having a chat with a friend who is your age about how she has been rocked in the last few months by the number of her friends who are going through separation or divorce.

People are no more reckless now than they were. Think just growing apart after a long time married is just as likely.

Johnogroats · 30/01/2015 19:41

My DB was 40 and heading for his 10th wedding anniversary and looking at romantic breaks abroad. They had, well have, 3 kids, a dog and a rabbit....but she was bored and wanted a lover too. I didn't see that one coming.

Our current circle of friends all seem happy, but I imagine that they won't be immune from family breakdown.

So yes YABVU.

Ohfourfoxache · 30/01/2015 19:42

No one gets married to get divorced, op.

Fwiw most of our friends have been together 15+ years (oldest couple mid 30's/early 40's) and I have little doubt that at least one couple will split. You can never, ever tell what goes on behind closed doors, even though on the surface they all seem perfectly matched.

Also, people change. Look on the relationships board - it's full of people (mainly women) who have been married their whole lives and, all of a sudden, their husband changes into someone unrecognisable.

creambun2014 · 30/01/2015 19:42

In modern times in many areas people get married because they really want to as opposed to just doing it because everyone else does. We were married years before anyone in our peer group, but even now there are more cohabiting couples than married ones.

Greencurtain · 30/01/2015 19:42

Hmmmmm
It's a nice way to think op.
Nobody (or very few) walks down the aisle thinking their lifelong commitment is not that.
But thousands end up divorced.
People change, things change, marriages get strained, people do cheat.
Your friends may all stay together but it's unlikely statistically or realistically.

arlagirl · 30/01/2015 19:42

I'm getting divorced next week Grin
First ones of friends to do so..mid fifties. Married 20 years.
You have no idea how well you can cover up things from the outside world

CallMeExhausted · 30/01/2015 19:43

DH and I have been through some horrendous trials. We keep them behind closed doors, as I do not believe in airing dirty laundry.

We are stable now, but have had shaky times. Our "peer group" knew nothing of it.

That is what others are saying about it being the ones you'd least expect.

Lonecatwithkitten · 30/01/2015 19:43

Our friends were stunned when ExH had an affair (they didn't believe he could lie that much) and even more stunned when he wasn't remorseful and kept seeing OW.
They thought we had a great marriage in truth he was an EA cocklodger.
Only the two people in the marriage really know what goes on.

DoJo · 30/01/2015 19:45

I don't think it's naivete, or smugness, (or there certainly isn't on my part!) just surprise that there is a sort of inevitability to a situation that you are almost sure is going to happen, but you still can't see it coming. Most of my married friends had been together for 10+ years before tying the knot, and some have never slept with anyone else or even been in other relationships. It's sad to imagine that these close friendships and relationships that have lasted since school days will one day be fractured and everyone around the couple will feel the effects, even if it is just in the smallest ways.

Sparklingbrook · 30/01/2015 19:47

and they all seem really happy. The all important word in that sentence i 'seem'. You have no idea how they really are.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 30/01/2015 19:47

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AtTheEndOfTheTunnel · 30/01/2015 19:49

Funnily enough in my group of married friends it was my husband who'd been cheating on me and everyone was amazed it was him. No remorse from him though. In fact he blamed me so we're now divorced.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 30/01/2015 19:50

Seriously? I got married at 30. I'm now divorced and happy with a new partner at 39, 6 years of marriage and 10 years of relationship behind me.

My ex husband got a stripper pregnant.

You never know what is around the corner...

creambun2014 · 30/01/2015 19:50

I think the most important thing is staying best friends, keep having fun and have a lot of physical contact. There is no reason to grow apart if you were passionately im love at the start imo.

Preciousbane · 30/01/2015 19:50

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Theresadogonyourballs · 30/01/2015 19:58

When I was a bit younger, my parents had what I considered the strongest and happiest marriage I'd ever seen. They were part of a social group consisting of around 5 couples. All married, kids etc. All seemed happy. They are ALL divorced now, no word of a lie. My parents started the trend (!) and the others followed over the next 10 or so years.
DH and I have been married 16 years. In our social circle, the majority of our friends have at least one failed marriage behind them - DH's best friend is getting married this August, it will be his second marriage and the bride's third. I hate to be the voice of doom, but it is extremely unlikely that NONE of your friends will end up divorced.

bakingaddict · 30/01/2015 20:01

I think 10 years in and you're still concentrating on raising kids and/or working so less time to concentrate on any faults in the marriage. Cue another decade later when the kids have left home and maybe you are no longer the same couple who married hence why a lot of divorce at this 20-25 year mark.

I'll be 11 years married this year and I like to think our marriage is unquestionably solid but even I don't know if we'll go the whole distance.

misssmapp · 30/01/2015 20:01

I thought the same , I am in my forties now and recently two of our friends have split up/divorced. Neither was expected and both couples seemed blissfully happy- you never know .

fairylightsbackintheloft · 30/01/2015 20:03

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Bowlersarm · 30/01/2015 20:05

YABU sadly. I'm 50 and I could have written your opening post in my 30's. It is the most unlikeliest of our friends who are now divorced. I would have lost a lot of money if I had put money on some of our friends never divorcing.