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AIBU?

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Original poster

I am about to ruin this woman's life

136 replies

Feelbad1 · 30/01/2015 10:18

I apologise this is a long story.
A few months ago, I met a man on a dating website. We got on really well, and while still chatting I had an injury and could not meet him straightaway, due to mobility issues on my part. For the next 4 months, he got me through the injury and other problems I had as we communicated several times a day. When I finally got treated and healed, our talks moved up a notch to naughty with pictures too. We had already exchange normal pictures at the beginning of the emotional affair. I have to admit all the pictures I sent him of myself were flattering, I also lied and said I was a size 14, when infact I am a size 16/18 with droopy boobs and beer belly mummy tum, after 4 kids. All you see in the pictures are me with large boobs, and you never see the tummy as I know how to dress up flatteringly. Though, later the naughty pictures barely hide it. When I finished therapy, we finally met for dinner, and I slept with him. He broke off all contact after that. I tried to contact him, but he would not return mails etc. I was very upset. Eventually he got back and told me that I had looked slimmer on my pictures and told him I was a size 14, and he googled it and thought it was ok, and that my tummy looked flatter in the pictures I sent. I told him, he saw me for me when we met for dinner and was nice and all, why did he then invite me to his bed if he did not find me attractive.

I told my street smart cousin and he told me I was played by a guy who treats women like this and I was not the first or last. He did some digging, turns out the guy is married not divorced, and we believe he does this all the time. He is also more than 10yrs older than what he said – I sort of figured this one out, when we met but did not mind. He told me he had met some women on there, and the affairs ended with the usual move town, fizzle out etc. Now we realise they were the betrayed like me. This made me more upset than ever, I told the man I knew he was married, and he said he is not on good terms with his wife as she is short tempered, does not like him etc. I said I don’t want him active on this website I met him on anymore. I know he could register at others etc, however this one is the most popular for our region, so I was limiting his search. Also, I was hoping that having registered his details on his profile, he may not be able to register again on this site and just how many secret credit cards can he have. I threatened him with telling his wife if he comes on again and sending all our mails to her. He left it be for a while, but now has just taken it down. I am still upset, because since then I find it hard to trust anyone, and have not seen anyone else since that time. My cousin has definite proof of him and his address etc. so I know how to contact his wife. I know he will go on there with a different user name and carry on with his game and I am seething with anger.
Would you send the emails to his wife?
I am afraid of ruining this woman’s life now by telling her, her husband does this. I am angry, because his superficial ways with me tells me he is not interested in his wife because she got old, got bigger after babies etc. why would he lie about his age except to want younger women (his last loves were younger than me, and I am about 20yrs younger than him). They have kids too, one in Uni and another finishing senior school. But I dread to let him get away with this.
If I did send her these, would he be able to sue me for sharing info and pictures of him?
I apologise for this touchy subject as I know most of you are married or had been and have been in her shoes before.

OP posts:
Iloveaverycosheshubbahubba · 30/01/2015 10:22

No do not send her the emails. Learn from your mistake and move on Confused

CatsClaus · 30/01/2015 10:26

hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Move on, and have some dignity, really.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 30/01/2015 10:27

Ouch. Sorry that happened to you. I would think very carefully before you contact his wife. I would want to know but everyone is different. She might know already.

LadyCassandra · 30/01/2015 10:28

No, do not send the wife any emails. He is a shit, but this will probably come back on you.

Nicknacky · 30/01/2015 10:28

You knew he was married. Would you still tell her if he hadn't dumped you and was still seeing you?!

magpieginglebells · 30/01/2015 10:28

Do not send the emails. You made a mistake and he is a twat but you need to move on and forget him.

SisterMerror · 30/01/2015 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DandyHighwayman · 30/01/2015 10:29

I do hope you had safe sex - if not then get yerself an STD check

And no, don't contact the wife

HedgehogsDontBite · 30/01/2015 10:29

So you want to make yourself feel better about a mistake you made by destroying another innocent woman's life. Yep, that sounds like a good plan Hmm.

engeika · 30/01/2015 10:30

I feel very sorry for you. That is very hard. Poor you.

My advice would be to leave it. His wife may know about it. She may take revenge on YOU for ruining her life. He will not change his behaviour but he will do the dame thing in different circumstances.

This isn't about protecting other people but about getting revenge.

Whilst I think that I'd feel the same and I would want to do what you are thinking of - and worse - , in the long term the best thing for you would be to try to move on. Start to care more about yourself and who you are, (sorry that sounds so hackneyed).

I just don't see anything really good coming out of it for any of you.

misskatamari · 30/01/2015 10:30

You need to move on and keep his poor wife out of it. Yes its shit for her and Maybe she knows what he's like, maybe she doesn't. Pleas don't try and convince yourself you have her best interests at heart though. This man treated you appallingly and you want to hurt him back. Leave his wife alone. You will not feel better if you tell her, it's a shitty thing to do!

RocketInMyPocket · 30/01/2015 10:30

No, don't do it!
You are not doing this because you are concerned for his wife, you're doing it because you feel this man has humiliated you. Telling his wife won't take that feeling away.
She might already know, and be in denial.
She certainly won't thank you.
I think you've been really naive tbh, the best you can do is chalk it up to experience, move on and not put yourself in that position again.

lemisscared · 30/01/2015 10:30

err, just move on - why would you hurt another woman just to boost your own ego? maybe be a bit more choosy next time?

Charlotte3333 · 30/01/2015 10:31

Nope. You have no business offering up emails and sordid information. If she's got a brain in her bonce she'll probably already know, and the messenger ALWAYS gets shot. Learn from it.

As an aside, if you told untruths to him, you can hardly hold him to ransom for doing the same. You should be upfront with the next one. There's nothing wrong with having a different body than before you had 4 children; you've created and carried life. Get yourself to the stage where your proud of what your body did, not ashamed of what it isn't.

PassTheGinBottle · 30/01/2015 10:31

Let it go.

APlaceInTheWinter · 30/01/2015 10:31

He can't sue you for sharing info and pictures. Since you've forewarned him about possibly telling his wife then she might not believe you.

If I was the wife I would want to know but if you're looking for some kind of gratitude or absolution from her then I think that's unlikely. You could have researched him before you started an EA and slept with him and tbh that's what you should do with everyone you meet online.

Also don't be surprised if she's smiley not short-tempered and she may be young and slim. You've made a lot of assumptions about her because he rejected you. His DW could be a supermodel with the temperament of Mother Theresa. It still wouldn't stop him from cheating because that's who he is. It's no reflection on his DW.

DropYourSword · 30/01/2015 10:32

You aren't doing this for the right reasons. You want revenge on him for 'betraying' you. Unfortunately people lie online. He did, you did. Chalk this up to painful experience. Accept that if you choose to have sex with someone it doesn't mean they are obliged to see you again. I knew you are hurt, but I think you haven't really got the right to demand he's no longer active on the website.
You actually don't sound 'afraid of ruining this woman's life' you just sound like you want to hurt him like he's hurt you. Just step away.

ApprenticeViper · 30/01/2015 10:33

YABU. You sound very bitter about this, which is fair enough, but will it make you feel better to drag this man's wife into it? No it won't.

For all you know, she might already know that he is on dating sites and is fine with it. Her reasons for not divorcing him are her business, not yours.

You lied, he lied, san fairy anne. Chalk it up to experience and maybe next time meet someone face to face more than once before having sex with them.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/01/2015 10:34

If she is short tempered and doesn't like him then no bloody wonder.

What an absolute grade A tosser.

Don't contact her. Just put him behind you and move on.

OfficerVanHalen · 30/01/2015 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/01/2015 10:35

Also you can't stop him doing it again. It's not something you can do. Move on

Maroonie · 30/01/2015 10:36

Could you report him to the website?
This might only be hearsay but I was told that a friend of a friend got banned from one for repeatedly leading women on then going no contact after sex.

formerbabe · 30/01/2015 10:36

I wouldn't do anything if I was you but move on.

Maroonie · 30/01/2015 10:37

It might make you feel better for taking some action without involving anyone else?

Joolsy · 30/01/2015 10:38

Personally I would want to know if my husband was messing around though I'd hope he'd have the balls to tell me himself. But don't do it just to get back at him. Do you really want to hurt a woman who you've never met? Only do it when you are at peace with how he treated you and if you'd want to know if you were in her shoes.