I am about to ruin this woman's life

[Feelbad1]

I apologise this is a long story.
A few months ago, I met a man on a dating website. We got on really well, and while still chatting I had an injury and could not meet him straightaway, due to mobility issues on my part. For the next 4 months, he got me through the injury and other problems I had as we communicated several times a day. When I finally got treated and healed, our talks moved up a notch to naughty with pictures too. We had already exchange normal pictures at the beginning of the emotional affair. I have to admit all the pictures I sent him of myself were flattering, I also lied and said I was a size 14, when infact I am a size 16/18 with droopy boobs and beer belly mummy tum, after 4 kids. All you see in the pictures are me with large boobs, and you never see the tummy as I know how to dress up flatteringly. Though, later the naughty pictures barely hide it. When I finished therapy, we finally met for dinner, and I slept with him. He broke off all contact after that. I tried to contact him, but he would not return mails etc. I was very upset. Eventually he got back and told me that I had looked slimmer on my pictures and told him I was a size 14, and he googled it and thought it was ok, and that my tummy looked flatter in the pictures I sent. I told him, he saw me for me when we met for dinner and was nice and all, why did he then invite me to his bed if he did not find me attractive.

I told my street smart cousin and he told me I was played by a guy who treats women like this and I was not the first or last. He did some digging, turns out the guy is married not divorced, and we believe he does this all the time. He is also more than 10yrs older than what he said – I sort of figured this one out, when we met but did not mind. He told me he had met some women on there, and the affairs ended with the usual move town, fizzle out etc. Now we realise they were the betrayed like me. This made me more upset than ever, I told the man I knew he was married, and he said he is not on good terms with his wife as she is short tempered, does not like him etc. I said I don’t want him active on this website I met him on anymore. I know he could register at others etc, however this one is the most popular for our region, so I was limiting his search. Also, I was hoping that having registered his details on his profile, he may not be able to register again on this site and just how many secret credit cards can he have. I threatened him with telling his wife if he comes on again and sending all our mails to her. He left it be for a while, but now has just taken it down. I am still upset, because since then I find it hard to trust anyone, and have not seen anyone else since that time. My cousin has definite proof of him and his address etc. so I know how to contact his wife. I know he will go on there with a different user name and carry on with his game and I am seething with anger.
Would you send the emails to his wife?
I am afraid of ruining this woman’s life now by telling her, her husband does this. I am angry, because his superficial ways with me tells me he is not interested in his wife because she got old, got bigger after babies etc. why would he lie about his age except to want younger women (his last loves were younger than me, and I am about 20yrs younger than him). They have kids too, one in Uni and another finishing senior school. But I dread to let him get away with this.
If I did send her these, would he be able to sue me for sharing info and pictures of him?
I apologise for this touchy subject as I know most of you are married or had been and have been in her shoes before.

OP - are you a man?

post sounds very man ish
no woman calls her tummy a beer belly

I wouldn't send the emails. If i did anything it would be to send her the address of his dating profile.

You cannot interpret anything about his relationship with her because 1) he lies and 2) he wanted to make you feel bad, wanted to have sex and dump hence making you feel low about yourself. If doesn't mean she's older, overweight, that they don't have a good relationship (in her eyes and his pretence). He's a liar, I wouldn't give time to anything he says about you or anyone else.

Do you love him OP? You were talking for a while when you were ill and recovering, very vulnerable. He slipped in and yes, you lied about your figure but he could see that pre-sex. He still wanted sex. He's a loser and a user. Even if you were size ten and fully healthy I suspect you would still be but a notch.

From your words and hurt, given when you spoke and your closeness, I wonder if part of this hurt if for the love you feel you lost?

I think you need to be much more savvy about online dating before you put yourself out there again. Things in your story would have rung alarm bells for me, and should have for you, and we got the edited version so I'm sure there were more signals that you've ignored. For instance, why didn't you meet sooner- was he waiting until you were physically able to have a sexual relationship with him? The kind of research your cousin did is what you ought to do before you sleep with someone, well, you should know who they really are, and if you don't trust their answers then don't continue to speak. You knew he was a liar when you met for dinner, he'd lie about his age. Why didn't you mention this to him at the time, or just abandon the date?

As for telling his wife- well, yes, I actually would. But, i would do it anonymously, without details of your relationship, so just providing evidence of his profile and letting her get on with doing further investigation if that's what she so chose.

Sorry I was unable to answer while at work.

The naughty pictures do not feature our faces, but I am sure his W would know her husband when she sees him, even without a face.

I cannot report him to the site anymore since he has now removed his profile.

I think I mentioned it before that I want him out of there not getting away with being all smug doing the same thing, I did not request a thank you from his wife.

Will not gain anything other than the satisfaction that he is not out there being smug and doing it again. Not making comparisons here, but if someone does something to you or your family like robbing or God knows what. etc. it will not bring back the feeling of violation, the goods etc. but you will feel justice is done and happy that person will not be out there doing the same thing again.

I am not happy at all that in order to bring about that justice, his family is the one to suffer. Which is why I am in crossroads. No, I do not feel I am particularly responsible for hurting her, but I fell he is, by doing this.

You know those 'lost dog' fliers you see on lampposts? Someone once posted fliers like that on almost every lamppost in our town including outside Asda one Saturday, with a photo of a guy saying something like 'government health warning'. Was hilarious, and probably really humiliating for him, in what is quite an insular wee town. Just saying...

Just leave it and move on. You will feel better quicker.

If he had decided he wanted a long term relationship with you, would you be giving a single shiny shite about his wife right now, Feelbad? No you would not. You would be skipping off into the sunset.

So all this shit about caring about his wife is just that, bullshit. As is the stuff about not wanting him out there doing this any more.

You just want revenge, pure and simple.

It's all very sordid and sad and your motives for telling her are questionable but .....if it was me I'd tell her, he'll probably do it time and time again so she may as well find out sooner rather than later. I would definitely want to know

You won't be 'bringing about justice'. You won't be stopping him being smug and doing it again.

I think you need to be the bigger person and let this go. You have learned lessons from this, lying on a dating profile is bad, if a man sends you dick pictures before you've met he's probably not looking for a relationship and if you want a long term relationship it's probably not best to fuck them the first time you meet.

Let it gooooooo

Well you need to be truthful to yourself, are you considering sending his wife an email out of spite. Hay. No-one would blame you for feeling bitter and taken for a fool, but his wife and children if they have them are as innocent as you. You didn't know he was married.
Or are you genuinely concerned for this poor women.
I feel I have to wonder aloud would you have been pondering on sending this email, had things gone in your favour.
I'm no phsycic Sally but my instincts tell me not.

What will increase the amount of happiness on the planet ?
telling her
or
not telling her

it's a judgement. and it's your judgement

The thing is, you can't compare what you did with him to a robbery or a crime; you were both consenting adults who knew full well you'd both lied til your pants were on fire. A crime has a victim and a perpetrator; if anything his wife is a victim of his disgusting lack of morals and your propensity to shag a man you don't know after lying to him (and acknowledging and accepting that he lied to you). You're not the victim here, please don't paint yourself as one.

OP fucked off then ?

I think his wife should know.

Oh, she came back

Let's be honest now - he's used you, pissed you off, you think he should pay for it and you are now dressing it up with all the blah blah she should know, his family are suffering, he is the one responsible for hurting everyone.

Yes he sounds like a twat, I'll give you that. And you, having been treated shabbily, are out for revenge.

Maybe you should consider drawing a line under it, learning from experience, and moving on.

Some men (and women) are shits. Doesn't mean you have to treat their patners/wives and children like shit into the bargain though.

Have you come to any conclusion OP?

id want to know if it was my dh

regardless of the Ow motives, if it was true I'd want t know!