I am about to ruin this woman's life

[Feelbad1]

I apologise this is a long story.
A few months ago, I met a man on a dating website. We got on really well, and while still chatting I had an injury and could not meet him straightaway, due to mobility issues on my part. For the next 4 months, he got me through the injury and other problems I had as we communicated several times a day. When I finally got treated and healed, our talks moved up a notch to naughty with pictures too. We had already exchange normal pictures at the beginning of the emotional affair. I have to admit all the pictures I sent him of myself were flattering, I also lied and said I was a size 14, when infact I am a size 16/18 with droopy boobs and beer belly mummy tum, after 4 kids. All you see in the pictures are me with large boobs, and you never see the tummy as I know how to dress up flatteringly. Though, later the naughty pictures barely hide it. When I finished therapy, we finally met for dinner, and I slept with him. He broke off all contact after that. I tried to contact him, but he would not return mails etc. I was very upset. Eventually he got back and told me that I had looked slimmer on my pictures and told him I was a size 14, and he googled it and thought it was ok, and that my tummy looked flatter in the pictures I sent. I told him, he saw me for me when we met for dinner and was nice and all, why did he then invite me to his bed if he did not find me attractive.

I told my street smart cousin and he told me I was played by a guy who treats women like this and I was not the first or last. He did some digging, turns out the guy is married not divorced, and we believe he does this all the time. He is also more than 10yrs older than what he said – I sort of figured this one out, when we met but did not mind. He told me he had met some women on there, and the affairs ended with the usual move town, fizzle out etc. Now we realise they were the betrayed like me. This made me more upset than ever, I told the man I knew he was married, and he said he is not on good terms with his wife as she is short tempered, does not like him etc. I said I don’t want him active on this website I met him on anymore. I know he could register at others etc, however this one is the most popular for our region, so I was limiting his search. Also, I was hoping that having registered his details on his profile, he may not be able to register again on this site and just how many secret credit cards can he have. I threatened him with telling his wife if he comes on again and sending all our mails to her. He left it be for a while, but now has just taken it down. I am still upset, because since then I find it hard to trust anyone, and have not seen anyone else since that time. My cousin has definite proof of him and his address etc. so I know how to contact his wife. I know he will go on there with a different user name and carry on with his game and I am seething with anger.
Would you send the emails to his wife?
I am afraid of ruining this woman’s life now by telling her, her husband does this. I am angry, because his superficial ways with me tells me he is not interested in his wife because she got old, got bigger after babies etc. why would he lie about his age except to want younger women (his last loves were younger than me, and I am about 20yrs younger than him). They have kids too, one in Uni and another finishing senior school. But I dread to let him get away with this.
If I did send her these, would he be able to sue me for sharing info and pictures of him?
I apologise for this touchy subject as I know most of you are married or had been and have been in her shoes before.

You lied and so did he!

If he's got profiles on dating sites that show his photo, it's only a matter of time before someone tells his wife anyway.

I know you want to punish him, but you are really punishing his wife, aren't you?

He sounds such a sleaze and as though he spends so much time absenting himself from the family, it wouldn't be a surprise if his wife's just waiting for the youngest child to go to university before she tells him to fuck off.

He is a massive twunt, but as PPs have said, be dignified and move on. You would gain nothing from telling his wife. I doubt it would make you feel better in the long run

Move away from the situation, stop all contact, don't look him up. You're humiliated, hurt and angry. You're not doing this for the right reasons.

YABU.

And 'im about to ruin this woman's life'

You wouldn't be doing this had he ran off into the sunset with you.

What he did was wrong, he did use you for sex and he did cheat on his wife, but you also lied.

Look, if I were the wife I would want to know my DH was a lying cheating @#$!*$ and unless someone like you were to tell me I wouldn't know. She doesn't have a marriage worth anything as it is. He's not working on the relationship he has with her. Let her see things for what they are so she can be free from him.

You're insulted and hurt, and very angry. The reason you're contemplating contacting this man's wife is merely for revenge, not to prevent other women from being hurt.

You admit here (quite bravely) that you concealed from him your true appearance. That wasn't particularly admirable.
He lied about his married status. That was even worse.

Your cousin seems to be egging you on by finding this man's details out, including his address. Don't be swayed by that.

My advice is to behave in a very dignified and respect-worthy fashion and put this behind you. Do nothing more regarding this man. Do not envisage 'enlightening' his wife. Do not imagine rubbing his nose in the dirt. Just carry on with your life and hold yourself in calm, wise dignity.
Later, you'll be so proud of yourself that you rose above it and carried on.

Good luck in finding a good man next time.

And why the hell didn't you tell him he was at least ten years older than he'd originally told you?

I think YABU with the angle you are taking.

You feel humiliated, and I can understand why.

But telling his wife shouldn't be some sort of "revenge" tactic.

I am a firm believer in telling the wife in situations like this, but that is because I would want to know in her shoes. No revenge, no bitterness, just I would consider it the moral thing to do.

If that were the approach you were taking then I would say go for it, but it sounds like you are still too emotionally invested in the situation. As long as you would be doing it to "hurt" him, and not because you think it is right, then you shouldn't do it.

She may know, in which case she is perfectly entitled to ignore your e-mail and never mention it. She might have no clue, in which case she is entitled to deal with the information in any way she chooses.

They might be on the road to recovery from her finding out about a past affair, and this would be the nail in the coffin for her.

The thing is, it isn't worth speculating as to the circumstances, because you just don't know.

Yes, you could tell her. I certainly would want to know that I was married to someone dating and dumping women from dating sites.

Obviously don't expect her to be grateful, I'm sure you wouldn't expect that.

She may of course already know about his affairs, they may even be in an open relationship.

That's their business but telling the truth harms no one.

On a separate issue you need some better boundaries and to take care of yourself (emotionally) better as you're being taken advantage of and it sounds like you've had a tough time.

FlowerFairy2014 I find that statement about losing weight quite offensive! It may be true that people look better thinner but this is real life! Many people are overweight and for many different reasons. Don't be so judgemental. Losing weight is hard!

You will gain nothing, but she could gain freedom. She will not want anything to do with you or be your friend, but it will give her the hard truth.
Better for her to find out now, then her children to find out later. I've seen this across the different branches of family a generation ago. The women who found out and left their cheating husbands have now better ajusted children than the ones who stuck with their husbands and were contantly deceived.
It might make this woman's life terrible and difficult, yes. But it can save all her children's families from repeating the same mistakes and living with betrayal (or being cheating fuckers themselves.)

I had a dumb emotional affair with some married guy in Denmark. I became disillusioned with him, started to feel bad for his wife, and ended it before we were to meet in London. For some reason, I was resentful and angry at him. I sometimes considered sending his wife all his emails. But I always knew that I wouldn't actually do it. I took a look at his twitter a few months later and saw that she'd been through treatment for cancer. What a terrible thing that would have been to do to her if I had!

I can understand your anger. You want to hurt him. You want to make him feel the real world consequences of having hurt you. But you will only be doing it out of spite. Let someone else be that spiteful person.

His marriage isn't your business.

You're angry with yourself because of how you behaved. But, fact is, you willingly exposed your body to a man on the internet and slept with him while barely knowing him.

Learn from your mistakes and move on.

Also may be lose weight? Most women look good between 9 - 10 stone.

If I was the wife I would want to know. Nobody told me when my ex was doing the same.

But I can't see how you can tell her without making yourself look bad.

Another one whose wife 'doesn't understand him' - he sounds horrid and nasty, and I bet his wife has no idea he is catting around. Poor woman. I would not believe any of the horrid things he said about her, and also him criticising your weight - he really can feck off just for that alone.

I hope you realise you deserve so much better than him. I am sure you look fab.

Flowerfairy surely it depends on their height and build and all sorts of things?? Bit of a stupid irrelevant comment if you ask me.
As for the other matter I would definitely want to know if it was my dp so I don't think yabu.

Can't you screenshot his profile, print it off and send it to her without including your details?

She is then informed for her own sexual health and then disengage from this creep.

He sounds like a total prick!
He did not end it with you because you are bigger than you said, he ended it because he had got what he wanted and wanted to move on to the next victim!
Please don't even let this prick of a man take any more of your energy, time or head space.
He has probably manipulated his wife so much over the years that he will worm his way out of it and you'll be the one to come out looking like the bad guy.
Please, for your own sanity, delete his number, his email address and all the texts and emails you have and forget about the tosser and be thankful that you're not his wife xx

I struggle with the presumption that telling a wife about an affair is hurting her and therefore shouldn't be done. YY the OP's motivation for telling is shit but surely from the DW's pov the short-term hurt of finding out your DH is shagging around is better than a potential lifetime of being deceived and put at risk of STDs?

Plus the DW might be suspicious but have no proof.

Statistically I find it more likely that the DW doesn't know than that they are in an open relationship and she fully approves of her DH using online dating. It's almost as though we're encouraging a conspiracy of silence to let men cheat with no repercussions.

Op with respect to Flowerfairy- ignore this insensitive knobber.

Also may be lose weight? Most women look good between 9 - 10 stone
Only in your opinion.
Some men don't like slim or skinny girls.
A lot of men like the curvier figure.
And FYI, taller women may well look ill and drawn between 9-10 stone.
Wow - just wow!!!

Anyway OP. You do need to move on from this.
Don't lie in future and try your damndest NOT to send 'dodgy' pictures of yourself out to people you have yet to meet.
Pictures on the internet last forever. Can come back to bite you on the arse.
He could use them against you if you mess with his marriage.
Just learn from your mistake and move on.

Send the emails. I would. I bet she hasn't a clue and has a right to know.

This is hard to do, but just forget about him and be glad you are not married to him.
Her life is already ruined being married to him, just walk away and forget about it completely, you will be the better for it. Sorry this happened to you.