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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am about to ruin this woman's life

136 replies

Feelbad1 · 30/01/2015 10:18

I apologise this is a long story.
A few months ago, I met a man on a dating website. We got on really well, and while still chatting I had an injury and could not meet him straightaway, due to mobility issues on my part. For the next 4 months, he got me through the injury and other problems I had as we communicated several times a day. When I finally got treated and healed, our talks moved up a notch to naughty with pictures too. We had already exchange normal pictures at the beginning of the emotional affair. I have to admit all the pictures I sent him of myself were flattering, I also lied and said I was a size 14, when infact I am a size 16/18 with droopy boobs and beer belly mummy tum, after 4 kids. All you see in the pictures are me with large boobs, and you never see the tummy as I know how to dress up flatteringly. Though, later the naughty pictures barely hide it. When I finished therapy, we finally met for dinner, and I slept with him. He broke off all contact after that. I tried to contact him, but he would not return mails etc. I was very upset. Eventually he got back and told me that I had looked slimmer on my pictures and told him I was a size 14, and he googled it and thought it was ok, and that my tummy looked flatter in the pictures I sent. I told him, he saw me for me when we met for dinner and was nice and all, why did he then invite me to his bed if he did not find me attractive.

I told my street smart cousin and he told me I was played by a guy who treats women like this and I was not the first or last. He did some digging, turns out the guy is married not divorced, and we believe he does this all the time. He is also more than 10yrs older than what he said – I sort of figured this one out, when we met but did not mind. He told me he had met some women on there, and the affairs ended with the usual move town, fizzle out etc. Now we realise they were the betrayed like me. This made me more upset than ever, I told the man I knew he was married, and he said he is not on good terms with his wife as she is short tempered, does not like him etc. I said I don’t want him active on this website I met him on anymore. I know he could register at others etc, however this one is the most popular for our region, so I was limiting his search. Also, I was hoping that having registered his details on his profile, he may not be able to register again on this site and just how many secret credit cards can he have. I threatened him with telling his wife if he comes on again and sending all our mails to her. He left it be for a while, but now has just taken it down. I am still upset, because since then I find it hard to trust anyone, and have not seen anyone else since that time. My cousin has definite proof of him and his address etc. so I know how to contact his wife. I know he will go on there with a different user name and carry on with his game and I am seething with anger.
Would you send the emails to his wife?
I am afraid of ruining this woman’s life now by telling her, her husband does this. I am angry, because his superficial ways with me tells me he is not interested in his wife because she got old, got bigger after babies etc. why would he lie about his age except to want younger women (his last loves were younger than me, and I am about 20yrs younger than him). They have kids too, one in Uni and another finishing senior school. But I dread to let him get away with this.
If I did send her these, would he be able to sue me for sharing info and pictures of him?
I apologise for this touchy subject as I know most of you are married or had been and have been in her shoes before.

OP posts:
tryingtofindausername · 30/01/2015 11:09

I normally say tell them, as the person being cheated on should know.

However, your motivation here isn't to help a woman. It's to get revenge on him. Don't do it.

Also, learn a few lessons from this, please, for your own good in future.

a) Don't invest so heavily in someone you've never met and don't know from Adam. You are so angry because you feel as if you had a relationship with him. You really didn't. You meant once, had a one night stand, that's all.

b) Do not EVER send anyone photos like the ones you were exchanging. Really don't. I wouldn't even send photos like that to someone I was in a relationship with, but a random off internet dating? If you are lucky, then he hasn't stuck them up on various websites and shown them to his mates.

c) On line dating is good and you want to make the best impression, but it needs to be the best impression of the real you. Don't lie about your size or anything else, if you want to end up with anything other than one-night-stands.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/01/2015 11:10

Flowerfairy most women sound good not criticising others for their weigHT.

ourglass · 30/01/2015 11:10

Oh Flower you utter knobstical

Mini05 · 30/01/2015 11:10

It's not the wife you have hate for!! So why hurt her

I know you want to hurt HIM but you both lied to each other, try to move on from this and next time you will handle it differently

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/01/2015 11:10

Clearly I type about DD's HT too much so my phone remembers it.

concretekitten · 30/01/2015 11:15

flowerfairy nobody should be losing weight for anybody else.
The OP is a single parent with 4 kids and right now has probably got low self esteem because of that prick. It's difficult to put yourself first in order to lose weight when your head isn't in the right place.

And anyway, not all men want skinny women. A decent bloke doesn't care about size.

Bagoffrogs · 30/01/2015 11:16

As a wife who has recently discovered a similar web of deceit, I would say don't believe a word the man says. My H told women that I was never pleased to see him home from work, I was always miserable etc etc. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I would imagine his lies are as made up as you are in his head. And he'll probably describe you similarly to his wife.
The wife may know, she may not, you may not be the only one. I'd walk away with your head held high and don't put yourself in that position again.

ilovesooty · 30/01/2015 11:16

I agree with the posters who seem to have your motives nailed on.

Move on.

nottheOP · 30/01/2015 11:17

If I was the wife I'd want to know.

Set up an anonymous e-mail address and send her a link to her husband's dating profile. Or print it off and post it.

Do not enter into any conversation with her about it though.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 30/01/2015 11:18

I'm torn. On one hand I agree that it sounds like your motivation for telling the wife is revenge, pure and simple. But if I were the wife, I think I'd rather know.

Why not compromise: tell the website that he's married and ask them to ban him. Definitely do that.

Then leave everything else (telling his wife) for a while. Don't act in haste - really. Give it 3 months.

Then use those 3 months to focus on yourself. Do everything you can to feel AMAZING about yourself - create a body you're proud of (if you want to; I'm only saying this because you were v negative about your own appearance), build a happy single life that you LOVE.

Then 3 months later, revisit this idea again. 3 months won't waste much of the wife's time, and you might feel by then that you'd rather look forward than back.

desperatedino · 30/01/2015 11:19

No don't tell her OP, just move on and shake it off.

Flowerfairy Biscuit I would look ill at 9-10 stone at my height.

wreckingball · 30/01/2015 11:21

Don't send naked pictures to men you 'meet' online.

glammanana · 30/01/2015 11:21

Why ruin another person's life if she doesn't already know about his antic's ? no point at all it's not as though he is going to come back to you is it ? be the bigger person and walk away & concentrate on yourself and your children.

whothehellknows · 30/01/2015 11:21

I would consider what kissyboo said, purely for the reason that the wife is innocent and her sexual health may be at risk through his behaviour. But I appreciate that it's hard to think rationally in circumstances like these. Rage and hurt can make people do strange things.

GraysAnalogy · 30/01/2015 11:23

FlowerFairy (?°?°??? ???

Bore off.

wreckingball · 30/01/2015 11:23

Don't send naked pictures to men you 'meet' online.
Did he send naked pictures to you?
I bet he didn't.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 30/01/2015 11:26

It must have come as an unpleasant shock and I can see how annoying it is to think he carries on this way.

His wife may have a very good idea of what he's like, she may not give a damn, she may be determined to stay with him and outlive him.

Please wake up and stop with the obsession. He'd probably get a kick out of knowing how you are dwelling on this. Do you honestly think he's the only one out there that does this? With any luck the next woman he does this to will mete out some punishment but really, keep the moral high ground. Get in the present. Stop investing mental energy on this creep.

concretekitten · 30/01/2015 11:27

Oh and as far as online dating goes, here are the lessons I learned (I met my DH online)...

Meet early. I mean don't spend months chatting because you sometimes fall for somebody, get your hopes built up and then when you meet theres no chemistry or u just don't fancy them (or vice versa)

Make your first date brief. Meet for a coffee one afternoon. Firstly, this saves babysitting credits, it also means you're not stuck on a date for a whole night with a guy you'd decided you don't fancy in the first 2 minutes of meeting. If the guy genuinly likes you it leaves them excited for a proper date.

zippey · 30/01/2015 11:28

He's a prick (for lying) and you're a prick (for lying too)

I would walk away but telling his wife would open a can of worms, for him and you as well. Ask yourself if you want embroiled in that. He will tell his wife you are a crazy woman and she will want answers from both of you.

Propel lie and cheat in the world and unless your are zorro or Wonder Woman, it's not our jobs to bring justice. Learn the lesson and move on.

Plus what you are doing isn't that far off blackmail.

bigbluestars · 30/01/2015 11:35

Put this down to a learning exercise.

It was never going to end well. Sending sexy photos of yourself ( realistic or otherwise) to a random stranger paints anyone in a very bad light.

You both lied. Draw a line and move on.

MyIronLung · 30/01/2015 11:35

This is going to sound mean and I'm sorry for that but I don't have any sympathy for you. You purposely sent this scumbag 'flattering' pictures of yourself to mislead and you outright lied about your size.
I feel very sorry for his poor wife. You seem to want to hurt her to hurt him. That's just cruel.
I wonder, like others have said, if you would feel so offended on his wife's part if this 'man' had been nicer to you?

Maybe up your standards a bit. Online dating can be great but as soon as a stranger asks you for 'naughty' pictures then that proves what they're really interested in (hint, it's not you as a person). Likewise, when you meet someone for a date and they suggest going back to theirs, say no thanks. I'm worth more than a one night stand. I personally would also try to make sure that they're not married!

I hope you meet someone nice.

LittleBairn · 30/01/2015 11:35

YABU you don't want to tell this woman to help her in anyway its all about hurting her in the hope that it hurts him. You are very cruel and selfish.

whattodoforthebest2 · 30/01/2015 11:41

What Charlotte said. Absolutely.

whattodoforthebest2 · 30/01/2015 11:44

sorry, didn't refresh - Charlotte's on page 1.

GreatAuntDinah · 30/01/2015 11:45

Tell her anonymously. Who cares what your motives are? she needs to know.