I am about to ruin this woman's life

[Feelbad1]

I apologise this is a long story.
A few months ago, I met a man on a dating website. We got on really well, and while still chatting I had an injury and could not meet him straightaway, due to mobility issues on my part. For the next 4 months, he got me through the injury and other problems I had as we communicated several times a day. When I finally got treated and healed, our talks moved up a notch to naughty with pictures too. We had already exchange normal pictures at the beginning of the emotional affair. I have to admit all the pictures I sent him of myself were flattering, I also lied and said I was a size 14, when infact I am a size 16/18 with droopy boobs and beer belly mummy tum, after 4 kids. All you see in the pictures are me with large boobs, and you never see the tummy as I know how to dress up flatteringly. Though, later the naughty pictures barely hide it. When I finished therapy, we finally met for dinner, and I slept with him. He broke off all contact after that. I tried to contact him, but he would not return mails etc. I was very upset. Eventually he got back and told me that I had looked slimmer on my pictures and told him I was a size 14, and he googled it and thought it was ok, and that my tummy looked flatter in the pictures I sent. I told him, he saw me for me when we met for dinner and was nice and all, why did he then invite me to his bed if he did not find me attractive.

I told my street smart cousin and he told me I was played by a guy who treats women like this and I was not the first or last. He did some digging, turns out the guy is married not divorced, and we believe he does this all the time. He is also more than 10yrs older than what he said – I sort of figured this one out, when we met but did not mind. He told me he had met some women on there, and the affairs ended with the usual move town, fizzle out etc. Now we realise they were the betrayed like me. This made me more upset than ever, I told the man I knew he was married, and he said he is not on good terms with his wife as she is short tempered, does not like him etc. I said I don’t want him active on this website I met him on anymore. I know he could register at others etc, however this one is the most popular for our region, so I was limiting his search. Also, I was hoping that having registered his details on his profile, he may not be able to register again on this site and just how many secret credit cards can he have. I threatened him with telling his wife if he comes on again and sending all our mails to her. He left it be for a while, but now has just taken it down. I am still upset, because since then I find it hard to trust anyone, and have not seen anyone else since that time. My cousin has definite proof of him and his address etc. so I know how to contact his wife. I know he will go on there with a different user name and carry on with his game and I am seething with anger.
Would you send the emails to his wife?
I am afraid of ruining this woman’s life now by telling her, her husband does this. I am angry, because his superficial ways with me tells me he is not interested in his wife because she got old, got bigger after babies etc. why would he lie about his age except to want younger women (his last loves were younger than me, and I am about 20yrs younger than him). They have kids too, one in Uni and another finishing senior school. But I dread to let him get away with this.
If I did send her these, would he be able to sue me for sharing info and pictures of him?
I apologise for this touchy subject as I know most of you are married or had been and have been in her shoes before.

Move on let it go!

Hope he was a good shag at least!!

Sounds like my mates ex husband.

There are loads of married men that just do this like some kind of hobby. Some play golf - some fuck with womens lives.

He had profiles all over the place and would meet women - do the chase. Shag them a few times then dump and move on.

My friend kind of suspected he was having an affair but he was a mentally abusive twat that used to make her think she was just being a paranoid nutter. I watched her crumble over several years.

She never had solid proof of anything but lots of subtle things didnt quite add up. Many a time we sat and pondered together over certain oddities but he was verty very good at his lies and deception and almost perfect with his alibi/cover ups! Initially I like the bloke. He seemed decent enough but over several years of seeing how sad my mate became I also began to doubt his credibility despite there NEVER being any real evidence.

5 or so years - he slipped up. Fucked over the wrong woman (like you) and she came knocking with her tale of woe and revenge.

Long story short - the OW was not thanked but now 3 years on my mate does acknowledge that if that OW had not come knocking she would still be in her marriage thinking she was a paranoid nutter. What the OW told her enabled to her to find the missing link and see for herself where and what her husband had been upto. Once she knew his user name on one site - she very quickly found him pretty much everywhere else as well. It was pretty grim.

My mate had a pretty full on nervous breakdown over this. Although part of me can see the good of her finding out the truth (its easy 3 years on and seeing her happy and returning to her former self). It has been tough uphill stuggle for her to get there. She talked of suicide alot in the early days and her sisters,mum,me and 2 other close friends were too scared to ever leave her alone for a while.

Its a tough one. Part of me thinks tell her. She may suspect but be in limbo like like friend was. She may be blissfully unaware and her world will crash down. She may know but choose not to acknowledge it.

Part of me thinks move on and away with dignity.

Another bit thinks us women need to help each other out and I would rather know and make my own choices about my future than be blissfully unaware living a lie and wasting my life - perhaps finding out years and years later.

If you do do it. Do it nicely not straight in with pictures. Give the woman few simple facts and enough information to do any further digging herself.

I think you are doing this for to get back at this sleazy bastard though more than out of concern for his poor wife.

He has behaved badly. But the threats you have made are unwise and could amount to blackmail. If you don't do such and such I'll tell your wife. Have no more to do with him.

Yes, find a way to tell her. If possible try to do it without including your own details. I would want to know. I would want to make the choice for myself as to how much of my life I should give someone who treats me like that. If she knows she then has the chance to move on and be happy or stay, whatever, but it's her choice.

However I agree with everyone who says that you need to disengage from this person and situations like this. Be dignified and don't let twats like this one rile you - much easier said than done, but for your own peace of mind, when you encounter people like this, you need to just get over it and move on. Otherwise your anger will eat you up and enable them to vindicate their own behaviour.

I would want to know. But, and this is a big but, you're doing this for the wrong reason. Which means... there is surely no good way to find out that your husband is a lying cheating adulterous scumbag, but you're likely to do it in the worst way possible. You can only do this if it is for her sake, not yours.

YABU.
Leave this poor woman alone, she does have to contend with a cheating husband, and does not need his sordid bitter one-night deal jumping at her with emails and "naughty" photos...Shudder...

Or go to Jeremy Kyle.

YANBU

What am I reading from responses here................It is exactly this kind of thought of holding your head up high with dignity that makes scumbags like this get away with this kind of behaviour. I bet that is what all his victims said before, kept quiet and the result is that he got away with it, and carries on.

It does not matter what your intentions are, the fact is that he does this, no matter what your mindset is.
'he googled size14 and thought that was ok', what a sad man he is.

Preying on low self esteem women (from what you said about your body), and using that as an excuse. I cannot believe the women who say that they both lied. She lied about 1 or 2 sizes about her weight - which she he saw on the date, so could cop out before bedding her. While he lied about his age (a whole decade), she forgave him. I would say that was even.......but the lie about being married is over and above that.

Sorry, but that is like me reporting my someone stealing magazines or someone stealing a handbag from a lady - did not kill them or seriously injure them, but it's all a crime. Not all crimes are equal, not all lies are equal. He also has a family and no where does the OP say she is doing this for his wife, just that she is angry as hell, and so would anyone. And how do you know she would run off with him if she was not dumped, where did you get that? She could dump him fearing the same could be done to her, you don't know.

If my H was doing his rounds on the net, I would like to know asap, and put a stop to it once and for all. And someone handing me evidence on a silver platter, I would take him to the cleaners.

I may well be on my own here but I think you have a duty to tell her She may already know and ignore it but she might be totally in the dark!

"a duty" ? By who's standards?

bloody hell
if that was my husband id want to know.
i say tell her.

I do think the wife deserves to know, but you would be doing it with the wrong motive. If I were to tell it would be anon

But I can't see how you can tell her without making yourself look bad.

Why would the OP look bad ?

I don't think you're coming across as a nice person OP by wanting to do this.
Your cousin needs reining in.

And I'm not too sure why, but this comment I am angry, because his superficial ways with me tells me he is not interested in his wife because she got old, got bigger after babies etc. really doesn't sit well.
I dunno....

OP, he didn't dump you because of your size. He's just using that as an excuse to make you feel bad so that you'll think it's somehow your fault, when actually he's an asshole who habitually dumps women after sex. This isn't about anything you did, or didn't do. Unfortunately some people are assholes and nothing you can do will change that. Even if you tell his wife, he'll find a way to make it her fault that he was screwing around.

Assholes are not worth your time and energy. You can't hurt him back because he doesn't care. Telling his wife won't hurt him. If he cared about losing his marriage he wouldn't be meeting other women on dating websites.

All you're doing is hurting yourself by continuing to think about him, and continuing to feel hurt by his assholery. Burn a photo of him, go for a long walk, and look at the website again to see who's new. Not all men are assholes. (But no more naked pictures - it's rather unwise!)
Good luck.

His poor wife.

I think she deserves to know her H is happy to go out and shag around without a clue about their sexual health. No-one deserves that risk.

Doing it because he has pissed you off is a different matter. You will just hurt her not him.

yabu

may I suggest that you try and find a bloke to like you for your mind rather than your breasts and some dodgy photos? You may find someone decent that way.

I'm not sure if you should tell her or not but next time I wouldn't send half sexual photos of yourself to anyone you hardly know. All kinds of repercussions yet alone the fact if you actually want a relationship it's hardly saying you're in it for the long haul.

I am a size 16-18 and I wouldn't go out with anyone who asked my dress size or remarked on it.

I may be missing something, but right now he has photos of you naked? Semi-naked?

If you tell his wife, I wonder what he will do with those photos?

Maybe he would then take his revenge on you?

You sound vile. You lie and behave with this kind of spite yet you think you can get some kind of moral high ground by disrupting someone else life?

Get over yourself and move on. Maybe be a bit more honest about yourself when online dating in future, and then you will have valid reason to complain when you find someone else doing what you did.

I would want to know if I were the wife and I would not blame the poor unfortunate woman who had been hoodwinked by him. However, as PP have said, I would be wary as you have sent him photos of yourself that he might use.

Have a really good think about all the possible repercussions of this before you take action.

by all mean contact the site if it makes you feel better, to say he is lying in a profile but do not contact the wife. It would be spiteful.

I don't think the site will give a flying fig if he is married tbh.

Going to go against the majority, and say tell her. I would want to know, I'd infinitely prefer to know what was really going on, than limp on in a relationship with a cunt like him.

I would want to know so that the decision to leave or stay was mine. Tell her and give her the information so she can make an informed choice about her future.

Those telling you to keep quiet are implying you take the cowardly way out and that you did something wrong here, you didn't, you have not cheated or conned anyone, he on the other hand has.

She deserves to know, tell her.