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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son's teacher gave me an article called: Ten Mistakes Modern Parents make, AIBU to be fuming?

60 replies

Plarail123 · 29/01/2015 13:54

We don't live in the UK but in a country where education is very competitive. My DS is 3 and a half and yesterday his pre school teacher called us in and gave us a huge lecture on parenting and discipline and gave me the article as a print out. I am fuming, I thought my son was doing fine at school and this teacher has only been teaching him since the beginning of this term. Am I right in thinking that this wouldn't happen in the UK? Also any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated. I am actually too embarrassed to take him to school now Blush.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 29/01/2015 13:56

Is she assuming that you are making the mistakes on the list? Are they mistakes or just a different parenting style?

thetroubleis · 29/01/2015 13:58

Where do you live!?!?!

My knee jerk reaction would be to scrawl something rather rude on it and return it, but then I guess it reinforces the point.

The only thing you could reasonably do is read it and consider the content whilst either taking the advice or nod, smile and carry on regardless.

I don't think this would happen in the UK to be honest, but I would hope if there were a problem I'd be called in for a chat rather than a parenting seminar.

Charlotte3333 · 29/01/2015 13:58

First off, don't be embarrassed, just walk in with your head held high and ask her exactly where the problems lie, how she plans to resolve them during school hours (if they're exclusively at school) and how you can work together.

I'd be furious, but perhaps she felt she couldn't speak to you directly about any issues (though that makes me question what kind of teacher can't discuss a child with a parent). Ask outright and don't let it make you feel bad. Your son is loved and happy and frankly, at three years old his only issues at 'school' should be how much jam he can lick off his sandwiches before they catch him and make him eat the crappy bread.

ILovePud · 29/01/2015 14:01

I don't know all the background to this obviously but just the title of the article would have pissed me off. My advice would be to smile politely and ignore her, if you think the whole culture at the school is like this then I'd consider changing.

ithoughtofitfirst · 29/01/2015 14:02

Cheeky twat Shock

Original poster
Plarail123 · 29/01/2015 14:03

She is assuming we are making the mistakes. Article here: m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4753451

I am just totally shocked that this is allowed. We lived in the UK until very recently and DS was in nursery then preschool, there were never any problems and my abilities as a parent were never questioned.

OP posts:
iwantavuvezela · 29/01/2015 14:08

Well the article is in a way saying parents should not be competitive and let children be children (and not push them too much). Was this article only given to you, or to everyone.

missorinoco · 29/01/2015 14:15

How bizarre. I agree with Charlotte3333. - go in and call her on it. Does she give it to all the parents? If not, you would be interested in what she thinks the issues are and how she suggests you work together to resolve them. With a firm but steely look.

I also think at three there hasn't even been time for many of these issues to emerge.

Some of the article is interesting, but it is mainly the pop psychology article of the week. Everyone does it differently. Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother was apparently marketed in China as Lax Western Parenting (a paraphrase).

worldgonecrazy · 29/01/2015 14:16

Was it sent out to all parents or just you?

I would hope not to be doing anything on that list anyway (except believing my child is perfect just as she is).

binspin · 29/01/2015 14:17

Was it given to just you or everyone?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 29/01/2015 14:23

I would complain to the head. Now.

Miggsie · 29/01/2015 14:23

I've seen parents do all the things on that list.

Perhaps you should find out if the article was given to all parents. or just you, and which specific items on the list she thinks you are doing, and why she thinks this (i.e. evidence).

I have a pair of friends who overpushed their child and it has created all sorts of issues, they now say they wish they hadn't done it - so perhaps the teacher is trying to be helpful.
Ironically, you have immediately done one of the things on the list - which is become defensive about your parenting skills and your child.
Approach this with an open mind and find out what she was trying to achieve.

claraschu · 29/01/2015 14:32

Just ask her if she is giving it to you in order to make a particular point. What did she say to you in her lecture about parenting and discipline? and were you the only parents she lectured, or were there other parents too?

Original poster
Plarail123 · 29/01/2015 14:36

Just given to me, I don't over push at all, I'm the opposite which I think is the problem. I think they feel my son has too much 'personality' and is not 'compliant' enough. I think they are concerned that he won't get into the primary schools they feed and this will reflect badly on them. I am fully expecting a request for some sort of 'diagnosis' next. There is nothing wrong with him, I think he is just a normal child. At least I thought he was, I am questioning everything now which is actually quite sad really.

OP posts:
pieceofpurplesky · 29/01/2015 14:37

Please explain 'huge lecture on discipline' what did she say?

binspin · 29/01/2015 14:39

Ask straight if they have any worries about your parenting style or your child.

CrapBag · 29/01/2015 14:39

I actually totally agree with that list.

But she shouldn't have given it to you at all. How would she know if you do them anyway? She doesn't observe your parenting other than picking up and dropping off. Seems very odd.

binspin · 29/01/2015 14:40

I'll admit to doing all ten on occasions. I'm not a rubbish parent.

MrsCakesPrecognition · 29/01/2015 14:41

Have to admit that I'd be mortified if someone felt I needed to read that article...then I'd take a long hard look at myself.

Feminine · 29/01/2015 14:42

I have seen this already.
(American relatives)
I believe it raises very valid points.
I don't think it relates (at all) to you, l bet the whole class got it.
It is the type of article loved to share over the pond.

claraschu · 29/01/2015 14:42

Where are you living? maybe one of us knows the country well / grew up there, and might have insight into attitudes.

Bettybodybooboo · 29/01/2015 14:43

Thing is you gave emigrated into a different culture? Is that right? Is she trying to tell you that you may need to change your parenting style so your ds 'fits in'.

Need more info really.

Feminine · 29/01/2015 14:43

Plus, if they thought you were 'pushy' surely that would help get him in the desired school.

Jbop · 29/01/2015 14:43

So they only gave you the lecture? What was the essence of what she said? Could she have a point?

Not saying it's right at all but maybe your son is playing up in a new setting with a new teacher (which is normal especially for a 3 year old). Maybe if other parents are v strict / tough where you live he stands out?

He won't get into the primary?? Wtf, is there competitive entry?

Personally I'd be looking for new, more suitable childcare.

diddl · 29/01/2015 14:46

A lot of it does seem like stating the obvious!

Perhaps she has seen or thinks she has seen you do something "wrong".

Seems a strange way of tackling it though!

Was it a general lecture or anything useful/specific to you & your son?