Is my child the problem child in Reception?

[Cocobop]

My son started Reception this September.

Almost as soon as they started, I was told about some episodes where he was playing vey roughly with another boy at playtimes, some shoving and pushing going on from both children. His teacher had a quick talk with me on a few occasions at pick up.

I was pretty horrified this had happened, my son has never shown aggression before in nursery, at home, or in any other setting. He is very clever, has strong ideas on what he wants to do and when (ie: he might make a fuss about finishing the project he is working on before stopping to eat dinner). But never aggression.

My husband and I have assured the school we will work with them, and want this to put a stop to it immediately. We have talked to our son. There is one child in particular who often hurts him. Pushing, shoving to the floor, slapping across the face, hitting on the head with playground apparatus, etc. my son feels very frustrated about this and often tells me he doesn't like this boy, and thinks up ways he can get stronger to defend himself or even get the other boy back. They are both 4 years old.

I talked to the teacher regularly abut this (I instigated the follow up talks), and was convinced my son's behaviour was improved, and it was no longer a problem. Recently I spoke to the teacher again because my child came home with torn clothes and a bruise on his eye (caused by other child).

I expressed that my son was being hurt, and no longer hitting/pushing back, but still experiencing the same level of aggression from the other child. The teacher then told me my son is still being aggressive and she believes the boys are the same character and that's why they need to be separated. I don't believe they are the same. I have seen this child on a couple of occasions outside of school, and he approaches my son and teases him by hitting him and running off, several times. My son is a bit scared of him.

Now my son is displaying aggression that I think he has learnt at his school, but the teacher thinks my son is as bad as the other child.

I would appreciate any advice on this. How to help my child from being aggressive? How to know whether he is acting out because he feels bullied by the other child? He has been hurt by the other child many, many times, and I know that my son has pushed/shoved, but never retaliated with the same levels of aggression, ie: slapped in the face or hit other child with an object.

Is this bullying, or my son is the problem? It just seems out of character for him to behave badly in a setting like this, he has not done so in the past. I feel awful that the school have already labelled him.

I'd be appalled if my son came home with a bruised eye! Torn clothes! My son had similar issues at nursery, the boy in his class is his friend and basically it's rough play that gets out of hand. I've been training him to walk away, to say stop and leave the situation, but four year olds don't really have the maturity. Although they can't see every interaction, n utterly has a duty of care to your son. You should try and get that put in different groups.

Gosh am very shocked if my child came home from school in such a state and also had not had any problems before i would be looking for a different school. Torn clothes aggression not displayed before etc. sorry cant offer any real help hope some other poster can post something useful. I think, would it be worth going back to nursery and asking their views in case they just didnt say anything because they handled it, or if they say something that proves your point of him being scared of rough kids then they could put it in writing for you to show what you say is right and was right until your ds had to start standing up for himself.

write down every incidence you can think of when your ds has come home hurt. I would email it to the head and sort out a meeting above the teacher and ask to swap class rooms.

My ds has had similar issues and I was one of those parents kicking off at the school. I asked them very nicely did they want me to tell this little boy off as they were clearly incapable of it.

Get safeguards put in place. It is unacceptable your child comes home hurt. If they can't keep him safe go further up governors ect.

I would probably teach your son to walk away or go to a playground attendant when this starts, or fails to stop respectively.

I may also ask to observe a few play times just to get facts straight. My son has always been quite honest and I would generally believe what he reported to me as the truth, but they do learn about lying eventually and also he has been guilty of misreading situations. For something this serious and possibly implicating another child, I'd want to see for myself what goes on.

Keep in mind there may be numerous issues going on as well before you instantly label the other child (or yours) a problem child.

Children can behave quite differently in school for various reasons, including possible SNs. Either child could be acting up due to undiagnosed or unrecognised SNs.

Just as an example, my yr1 dc is getting into repeated trouble at school and constant conflict with another child. My dc is bring assessed for SNs and there are definitely some there. No idea about the other child. I have been fighting for months to get my doc the proper support and for them to keep the two dcs separated. The school has been very slow to do things and I have just recently had to insist on more support yet again. The other parent likely has no idea about all this so I can only imagine what they are thinking.

Perhaps you can meet with the teacher and establish if they have any concerns regarding your dc and his behaviour or any possible SNs (just the find out where you stand) and then tell her what outcome you are hoping for (such as no further aggression between them) and discuss ways forward to work towards that. The school won't (and can't ) tell you if the other child has SNs but it never hurts to have an open mind.

Sorry ... "To get my dc proper support" not doc. Stupid predictive text. One little letter and my five year old has a medical degree.

As this has been going on since September I think you need to be asking the teacher what they are doing to make this does not happen. They need to be separating the children, or watching them while they are playing and stepping in when it starts to become more.

I had this when my ds was in reception, my ds is very quite where as another boy kept targeting my ds because he didn't do rough play. Within a couple of weeks they swapped the other boy to the class. And kept a close eye on what was happening when playing outside.

If the teacher says that they are as bad as each other, then I would take her word for it. She is the one that is observing their behaviour. Many children behave differently at school to how they behave at home because the environments are so very different.

Tell your ds that if he keeps hitting back or pushing back, he will be in just as much trouble as the other boy. What he should do is go to a member of staff, preferably the same one, and tell them what has happened. Every single time. Also, ask the teacher to make sure all the adults in the school are aware so if he goes to a lunchtime supervisor, for example, they can make a note of it for the teacher's records.

If your ds keeps getting hurt do complain to the head teacher.

Is is not usual at all for children to go home in such a state from school!
What happened over this very serious incident?
Did the teacher speak to you before he arrived home?
I'm surprised the HT didn't contact you to explain how it happened. Was it recorded in the incident book?

They should be giving your ds clear instructions as to what to do and who to go to immediately he is experiencing problems, esp at break times. And making better efforts to keep them apart which would benefit them both.

Coming home with torn clothes and a bruised eye is not on. The teacher sounds like she's brushing it aside as six of one half a dozen of the other but your gut feeling is telling you otherwise. You know him best. He could be defending himself.

Also ask for specific examples of your ds's aggressive 'behaviour.'

I think you need to realise that the teacher has more opportunity to observe both boys interacting together than you do. Children can behave very differently at school than at home. From what you said both boys were equally to blame at the beginning of the term. I would ask what the lunchtime controller thinks and more importantly ask other parents what their children know about the situation before you decide this is bullying.

As the parent of a boy who was bullied and beaten up relentlessly for 2 years I would urge you NOT to stop your son's "aggression" towards someone who is violent towards him. Please don't make the same mistake I did. My son was incredibly passive (due to me and his Dad teaching him not to hit back ) and it took years of karate training to get him to start standing up to his bullies. It's a shame but please believe me - not all parents bring up their children to reject violence. And despite loads of involvement from the school my son's bullies only backed off when my son started meeting violence with violence.

If you have been dealing with the class teacher so far and it hasn't been dealt with I would go to the head.

Without victim blaming it seems to me at that age (from those I know) there are two types of little boy (and I dont mean to be sexist, ime it is boys but am happy to be corrected) Type 1 avoids trouble and dislikes rough play, they stay out of the way. Type 2 seems incapable of staying away, enjoy the excitement till it goes working so tend to be the ones who get into trouble. I know a couple of people who in reception had exactly this problem with type 2 boys. In one way it is partly their fault, but they are erm 4 or 5, so rather need help and support.

I would tell ds in no certain terms to not play with the child who is hurting him. I would arrange play dates with some type 1s.

I would make an appointment with the ht and ask exactly what the schools approach is going to be to ensuring that ds is safe at school. Bruises/ torn clothes is not acceptable for any 4 year old, even the instigator.

until it goes wrong

I'd keep a note of the incidents that the teacher's informed you of, what you've seen yourself and what your son has said/says.
I wish I had as my son's had a problem with one child and the teachers have really down played it and even intimated that it's my son's (over) excitability which pushes this child to hurt him...

My son is 3.5, he started nursery school in September and had problems with this child since October(ish). He was punched hard enough to leave bruises, had ice thrown at his face which left a cut, black eye and bruised cheek. My son has also told me this child has been unkind since then and when I talked to the teachers they hadn't witnessed anything and said they'd keep an eye on them. The teachers know I don't want the two to play together, alone.

The school gate chat had already made me aware that this child has issues and the teachers say there's something going on at home and he's had an awful time . This has led to them saying that this child gets the blame for things he hasn't done and he's already having a hard time and they don't want him getting an unfair reputation...well I've been worrying since September about my very tall son lashing out at this child because he's a foot taller and heavier and I don't want him being labeled for protecting himself-which I can see happening.

Really though, there's no reason a child should be coming home with bruises/hurt/saying a specific child is consistently being horrible to them.

What an upsetting situation. I feel for you. I have been teaching this age group for many years and have come across things like this lots of times. Could it be that the other boy brings out a little bit more of a rough and tumble side or your own son, the two of them then play roughly which gets out of hand and then they both get upset? I have often had little groups of children (not always boys by any means) that play quite roughly and enjoy it some of the time but then get upset because they get hurt. They are only small and need some support and guidance to help them learn what is ok in play and what is likely to lead to trouble!

I think it's really good that you were pro active about this from the start and then followed it up. As you say, your son has never been aggressive like this before so it would seem that there is an unfortunate dynamic between the two. It's obviously not ok for your son to be coming home upset and injured and something needs to be done but if the teacher has said from the start that the two behave similarly I would be inclined to believe her.

I'd go back in, talk to the teacher again, tell her you are worried and unhappy and that your son tells you that he feels he needs to defend himself. Maybe she could talk to your son and ask him to come and tell her or her TA as soon as the other boy shoves or hits him so that it can be dealt with straight away. Ask if the other parent is concerned about it too or if the other parent has been spoken too. If you all work together on this (you, the other parents and the teacher) you can definitely get it sorted out.

I think labelling children into "types" of basically good kids and troublemakers is simplistic, unreasonable, and ultimately unhelpful. The OP needs to get further info from the school by meeting with them and asking direct questions and then discussing calmly a way forward.

I think you do need to go in and speak to the HT. You need to ask them about their playground strategies and support. It is entirely possible the two wind each other up - that happens all through life doesn't it, it's just were socialised not to hit out because of it - so they need to be clear what they're doing to manage the situation.

A bruised eye is not on though.

We taught my son to STOP, SHOUT and RUN when this kind of thing happened - he has mild SN and was a bit of a target in early primary because he wasn't able to read the social signs that something/one was about to kick off:

STOP: Stop what you're doing, stop playing the game or whatever
SHOUT: 'STOP DOING THAT' in your biggest loudest voice
RUN: for help.

if that's in reference to my post that isn't what I was trying to do. I dislike putting children into types, it was just an attempt to explain what I've seen. There are lovely, polite children who will grow up into upstanding citizens who gravitate towards each other because they enjoy the excitement of playing in a certain way. But not the fallout. It's just observation from dd's year group last year. It settled down also.

I agree with you tobysmum77. It's not a judgement of "good or bad". Some children seek out and seem to enjoy the rough play and almost can't stay away from it. It's not a negative thing unless it gets out of control (which unfortunately it can do) I see this literally every year, day in day out.

Children who don't enjoy rough play can still fall out and upset each other in different ways but they don't tend to thump or get thumped!

Gok is right. I've worked in foundation classes as an LSA and I think her analysis is accurate. Also my ds2, who is quite a calm child, had a boy in foundation who was very physical and brought out his rough side. As I was working in the same class I saw it with my own eyes otherwise I may not have believed it. The teacher and I used a sticker chart on both boys which was helpful. I've never had a problem with ds since and he's 12 now. The other boy is still physical and will always try it on with someone he thinks won't fight back.
I agree you should document any incidents or injuries yourself. You should also ask the teacher for specific examples when she describes your ds as aggressive and request that she logs every incident.My theory is this boy has brought out a rough and tumble side in your ds but while your ds has had enough, this boy doesn't know when to give it up.

My son loves the running around part but dislikes when he gets caught or thumped. He is attracted to the excitement. He gets bored easily and needs to be stimulated at school. This I said to his teacher before he even started school, during our home visit.

Thank you all for the helpful responses and views on this.

I'm trying to stay level headed and not let myself be led by my emotions. Difficult to separate the two when your child is being hurt.