Is my child the problem child in Reception?

[Cocobop]

My son started Reception this September.

Almost as soon as they started, I was told about some episodes where he was playing vey roughly with another boy at playtimes, some shoving and pushing going on from both children. His teacher had a quick talk with me on a few occasions at pick up.

I was pretty horrified this had happened, my son has never shown aggression before in nursery, at home, or in any other setting. He is very clever, has strong ideas on what he wants to do and when (ie: he might make a fuss about finishing the project he is working on before stopping to eat dinner). But never aggression.

My husband and I have assured the school we will work with them, and want this to put a stop to it immediately. We have talked to our son. There is one child in particular who often hurts him. Pushing, shoving to the floor, slapping across the face, hitting on the head with playground apparatus, etc. my son feels very frustrated about this and often tells me he doesn't like this boy, and thinks up ways he can get stronger to defend himself or even get the other boy back. They are both 4 years old.

I talked to the teacher regularly abut this (I instigated the follow up talks), and was convinced my son's behaviour was improved, and it was no longer a problem. Recently I spoke to the teacher again because my child came home with torn clothes and a bruise on his eye (caused by other child).

I expressed that my son was being hurt, and no longer hitting/pushing back, but still experiencing the same level of aggression from the other child. The teacher then told me my son is still being aggressive and she believes the boys are the same character and that's why they need to be separated. I don't believe they are the same. I have seen this child on a couple of occasions outside of school, and he approaches my son and teases him by hitting him and running off, several times. My son is a bit scared of him.

Now my son is displaying aggression that I think he has learnt at his school, but the teacher thinks my son is as bad as the other child.

I would appreciate any advice on this. How to help my child from being aggressive? How to know whether he is acting out because he feels bullied by the other child? He has been hurt by the other child many, many times, and I know that my son has pushed/shoved, but never retaliated with the same levels of aggression, ie: slapped in the face or hit other child with an object.

Is this bullying, or my son is the problem? It just seems out of character for him to behave badly in a setting like this, he has not done so in the past. I feel awful that the school have already labelled him.

I think this last incident wasn't communicated to the class teacher. I don't know why, as the HT was aware of it. I haven't seen of heard of an incident book. When my son fell over and gashed his knee one day I was given a written incident slip so they do have that system in place.

Perhaps they only use it if there is a visible injury at the end of the day? I hope not.

Thanks for your post Josie. I have concerns over all the points you have made.

I was not going toast to see the HT yet but now wondering if I should. I was going to give his class teacher another opportunity to sort it out.

Points I would make

Incidents going unnoticed, how are they escalating without adult supervision

List of injuries my son has

Why my son is assumed to be at fault

That I am not being informed of any of this by the school

The thing is, I was calm and supportive of the school in our last meeting, and took on board her comments and let her steer the meeting. At the end of it I felt my concerns hadn't been addressed properly, that we had just discussed my son's behaviour.

I want another opportunity to speaks to the class teacher to state my position very clearly. I will not let her divert the specific questions I ask this time. If I then feel things are not improving I will speak to the head.

I hope they do not decide to move my son into another class away from his friends. The only action they have taken so far, the afternoon of my meeting with his teacher, was to move my son into another group within his class away from the other boy. The other boy was not asked to move, they only asked my son.

If I was looking for a message in this, it would that if I make a fuss that my son is being hurt, they will make changes to my son's environment at school.

They will not and have not indicated to me that they will deal with the other child.

Have they moved my son into another group to illustrate that even when moved away from this child, he is still not a model student?

If they were dealing with the other child, would they even tell me what they are dong?

I think you are best placed to talk to the HT. For a start you need to get to the bottom of what happened yesterday and what on earth made the HT say what he did to your son.

The feedback you've received so far doesn't sound to me as if it's as simple as your son being a permanent victim of bullying by this other child. I can't I imagine him being generally happy about school if that were the case.

You definitely need to flag up the injuries, lack of communication, apparent lack of consequences for the other child and your frustration that your child was without any behaviour issues at his nursery.

However, I would also try to bear in mind that while your son may be telling you what happened accurately from his own perspective, he is undoubtably missing things out that don't show him in a favourable light.....who doesn't!! If you think about it, he has never volunteered the information that he has been in trouble for being rough with other children, the teacher told you that. That's totally normal of course, which child would? But be prepared to be told that he behaves rather differently from the way you imagine. How do you know for certain that he is only defending himself and not perpetrating some of the aggression?

I do think he may start the pushing sometimes. I'm prepared to be told that he does. He does also volunteer that he has done something wrong at school. If I ask him whether he was good at school and he will tell me when he has done something wrong. He may leave out a few extra pushes/shoves or generally out himself in a better light, he may not. I wouldn't be surprised if he did.

I made the mistake of stopping asking him after school every day, because I felt as though I was emphasising it too much by constantly asking him every day. I didn't want him to feel as though school was centred around these incidents.

However, even if he starts things sometimes, the other boy is using aggression and violence that is on a different level. It's dangerous. What if his foot had hit my son's eye for example? My son has only pushed and shoved, and the teacher has confirmed this.

Cocobop a school can be regarded as outstanding or high achieving but still not do a good job with certain individual children. This incident with the HT is completely out of order if it happened exactly as your ds has told you. As someone who worked several years with children with SEN including behaviour problems (which your son does not have) I absolutely detest people who label children and form preconceptions about them. I could not work in a school with a head like that.
Regarding the head injury, if it happened at break time the class teacher should still have been informed and she should have told you. It's a head injury and it is very important you are aware what happened. When my ds2 was in year 2 I found a lump the size of an egg on his head. He told me it had happened in the playground. I emailed the head and she replied with a very genuine apology promising it would never happen again. This is proper procedure.

Your son is being aggressive to other children. Holding someones hand and not letting go is aggressive, pushing or sitting on someone is aggressive behaviour. He might come out the worse but he is just as responsible for his actions.

You definitely need to get the ht involved, whatever is going on it is totally out of hand. The school has to keep children safe, regardless of fault, regardless of complicated dynamics. They are 4/5 fgs.

I would also put my concerns into writing and copy in the chair of governors.

OP you mentioned that he is writing at a Year 2 level so it could be that he is not being challenged enough. Does he use openers and connectives in his writing and descriptive words? Does he know different types of writing such as instructions and reports for example? If that is his level, that is what he should be working on.

I think you should ask for a meeting to discuss this too as boredom can lead to silly behaviour.

Then you definitely need to seek answers for why the aggression of the other boy appears to be being tolerated and not taken seriously. I honestly don't think you come across as the slightest bit unreasonable. You can say to the HT that you have takin board everything that you have been told and talked to your DS about it, in return you expect your concerns for his safety to be addressed. Is there a parallel reception class in the school?

I would also consider writing this down so that you can be certain that you say everything you want to say. Could you maybe email the HT with your concerns and ask for a meeting?

' The school has to keep children safe, regardless of fault, regardless of complicated dynamics. They are 4/5 fgs. '

Exactly. In reception there are usually children who push and shove, who find sharing difficult, who have to be peeled off their adult in the morning, who are so busy being good and helpful that they are too afraid to try a challenge, who can't cope with losing or failing...'
That's why reception is such an important year, and why it is vital that the school gets it right, and that the children are supported and helped to grow and mature. No one should be looking to stuff a child into a pigeonhole, and no child should be getting hurt without a full, analytical exploration of what happened and how the next time can be prevented by appropriate action by the school.
I'd be very unhappy at the school's response so far.

IME, the school does not label children, vast majority of staff are committed to getting best out of your child and know that children easily change. Besides, they will not tell you if your child is a "problem child". It will take ages to tease out how bad your child is and often the parents of the worst behaved children don't know anything at all how difficult their child has been. Other school parents, though, will seize the smallest rumour or incident to label your child and not be quick to forgive (their children will forgive easily, but not the parents).

If you're concerned about persistant labels, look to the other parents as your worry. If you are true friends with anyone you can ask them what they have heard about your child from other parents. Obviously, the stronger your social bonds with as many other parents as possible, the better the chances that your child won't get a permanent bad name among the parents.

DS was labeled by other parents in yr2, and HT agrees that this contributed hugely to his behaviour problems in school because of his terrible social isolation.

The most important judges are other children. They won't like someone who is too naughty or aggressive. If there is another mum you can cobfide in, tell her what's been happening and find out if others have said anything. Also see how other children behave towards him in the playground before and after school. Have you had any children round for playdates yet? Also sure by now someone in the class has had a birthday party. If so how did your ds behave with the other children?

Fairenuff, yes I would say so. At home he has a story book which he has written various stories in, and a recipe book which he has written instructions on how to make different things. I told his class teacher very early on he would get silly and play up if bored. That he needs to be engaged and challenged.

Bruffin. Stamping on someone's head and giving a black eye is not the same as not letting go of their hand or sitting on them during circle time (this is with his best friend, and done within a 'game' but my DS clearly does not know when to stop). I have consistently said my son's behaviour is and should continue to be addressed. Your comment just isn't helpful in this scenario.

At other birthday parties my son has behaved, sometimes run around a room and had to be told twice to sit down, but that's the worst of it. I have witnessed the tort child seek him out 4, 5, 6 times and hit my son. My son did not retaliate just protected his head.

I do think my son has been labelled by other parents. One mother in particular made a comment about him not complying in school to me. I notice when my son says good morning to other kids on the way, often the other kids don't reply and the adults also ignore.

We have not been invited on any play dates and have been left out of a couple of parties too.

It is still aaggressive and you are doing your son a disservice by downplaying his behaviour. You might not like to hear it but the teacher is telling you something and you are not lIstening.

I am listening, and taking action. I am supporting the school taking action. I have said that throughout this thread.

but bruffin it still doesn't mean that getting beaten up is the fault of a reception child. You could turn it on its head, maybe he is playing up in class because he is unhappy at school? It's all very complex.

I have a y1 age daughter who isn't an angel, she was a bit naughty in class at the start of the year. I worked with the teacher, nipped it in the bud but coincidence that she was having some issues with a boy in the class picking on her and her friend? I think not.

Coco, I have been reading this thread and haven't been quite sure how to respond.

While I agree that the treatment of your son isn't acceptable (by the other boy) the repeated insistence that your DS is/will behave poorly if 'bored' give me warning bells.

All too often, "brightness" is used as a reason for misbehaviour. If that really were true, at secondary level top sets would be full of badly behaved children. In reality this is not the case. I wonder why that is.

I have a DS who is considered by the school to be bright and he is frequently bored. However, he is polite and knows not to convey this to the teacher or his peers and he certainly doesn't grab or get physical with other kids.

It is frustrating for you, I agree, but I do think you have to be careful here. Your son is not, from your descriptions here, behaving well or kindly towards his peers. The fact that another child is worse is undoubtedly something that needs dealing with but dealt with alongside modifying your own ds's behaviour too.

March and May, thank you for posting. I haven't said to the school that him being bored is why he is acting up in this scenario. I haven't brought it up as an excuse with them. Before he started school I told his teacher this is an observation I've made, because I thought it would be useful for her to know. for example, if he has finished his work or is no longer listening because he knows what they are learning very well, he made need to be given some extension work to keep him from becoming distracted and being silly/ behaving badly in school.

I'm just very down about it all now. My son does want to have lots of play dates and the people I have asked have made excuses not to. I hadn't really realised it but now, thinking about it, maybe he has been labelled by other parents. :-(

Coco, thanks for taking my post so courteously :)

I do really sympathise - but I do think (sorry!) your child is a bigger 'problem' here than you may think. I have put problem in inverted commas as I think it's not a problem so much as misunderstandings - but grabbing someone's hand and not letting go must be grabbing and squeezing with a fair amount of force. Sitting on somebody also is very aggressive and really invading space.

In reception, we had a similar (in some ways) issue insofar as my son was getting upset over unwanted physical contact from another lad - that was easily dealt with as the other boy wasn't malicious, just over enthusiastic like a big puppy!

Have you had a chat with the other boys mum?

However, I really do think your own sons behaviour cannot be shrugged off here. You have acknowledged it I know but it's in the context of 'it's not as bad as X' - in a sense it doesn't need to be.

But coco that IS because of his behaviour. Would I want my children to play with a boy who grabbed their hands so hard they couldn't let go? I really wouldn't; I'm sorry!

That's where the school could be helping him, teaching him how to interact appropriately, setting up situations that he can be a part of with adult support until he can manage his behaviour himself. Working with him to teach him social skills.
Yes, if parents think that your son is aggressive and difficult, he is unlikely to be invited anywhere, or go to parties. My son is on the spectrum, and he had very few playdate invitations the entire length of primary school.

I think because I know it's not malicious either. My son does get excited and plays physically but he doesn't try to hurt other children. In all the instances of him being physical in class, he hasn't hurt anyone just annoyed them. These are the teachers words. Agree he shouldn't be invading space. We are talking to him about it now, and I reiterate the golden rules with him every day. I'm not sure what else we can do. Do you have some suggestions?