Is my child the problem child in Reception?

[Cocobop]

My son started Reception this September.

Almost as soon as they started, I was told about some episodes where he was playing vey roughly with another boy at playtimes, some shoving and pushing going on from both children. His teacher had a quick talk with me on a few occasions at pick up.

I was pretty horrified this had happened, my son has never shown aggression before in nursery, at home, or in any other setting. He is very clever, has strong ideas on what he wants to do and when (ie: he might make a fuss about finishing the project he is working on before stopping to eat dinner). But never aggression.

My husband and I have assured the school we will work with them, and want this to put a stop to it immediately. We have talked to our son. There is one child in particular who often hurts him. Pushing, shoving to the floor, slapping across the face, hitting on the head with playground apparatus, etc. my son feels very frustrated about this and often tells me he doesn't like this boy, and thinks up ways he can get stronger to defend himself or even get the other boy back. They are both 4 years old.

I talked to the teacher regularly abut this (I instigated the follow up talks), and was convinced my son's behaviour was improved, and it was no longer a problem. Recently I spoke to the teacher again because my child came home with torn clothes and a bruise on his eye (caused by other child).

I expressed that my son was being hurt, and no longer hitting/pushing back, but still experiencing the same level of aggression from the other child. The teacher then told me my son is still being aggressive and she believes the boys are the same character and that's why they need to be separated. I don't believe they are the same. I have seen this child on a couple of occasions outside of school, and he approaches my son and teases him by hitting him and running off, several times. My son is a bit scared of him.

Now my son is displaying aggression that I think he has learnt at his school, but the teacher thinks my son is as bad as the other child.

I would appreciate any advice on this. How to help my child from being aggressive? How to know whether he is acting out because he feels bullied by the other child? He has been hurt by the other child many, many times, and I know that my son has pushed/shoved, but never retaliated with the same levels of aggression, ie: slapped in the face or hit other child with an object.

Is this bullying, or my son is the problem? It just seems out of character for him to behave badly in a setting like this, he has not done so in the past. I feel awful that the school have already labelled him.

I think a proper plan in partnership with the school is what's needed. Which is why you need to make an appointment with the head. It doesn't sound like you alone can sort it.

I think the problem is, you have said that when you speak to his teacher about the other boy, it gets turned round onto your DS and his behaviour.

Now, I am not one of these people who believe that teachers can do no wrong; I know that they frequently do. However - in this instance, from the teachers point of view, she has two little boys who push, shove, fight and annoy other children. Who gravitate towards one another in the playground. Who she sees all day, every day.

It is so hard and I can really 'hear' in your posts how hard you are finding it but I do think you seem very keen to categorise them based on the conclusion to the actions not the actions.

It really does read like - my son isn't as aggressive as child X so all is okay and he should be seen as 'good' and child X as the 'bad' one.

I think age 4 he's ready for a bit of 'carrot'. He needs to change his behaviour as his physicality and space-invading is a problem. You've talked to him and reiterated the rules but it isn't working. Would backing this up with an incentive help? (e.g.no reports of physical poor behviour for a week = small reward e.g. an activity that's new or occasional, burn off his energy).

My DS is very incentive-driven. That's not to say he never did anything without being rewarded, he's a great lad (now 18) but we've had three or four things over the years that were stopped, started or changed pretty much instantly with a small incentive after a short period of frustration.

You could do a bit of role play with him. You could re enact some of the scenarios you've been told about and model how he could deal with it next time. Also show him how to identify that someone isn't enjoying something and wants him to stop. Some people have great success with puppets as learning tools but I am rubbish at that!

I accept I'm probably doing a bit of jumping to my child's defence as I feel the school's treatment so far has been to categorise them as one and the same.

I won't harp on about that. The positive here is that I am being alerted to my son displaying unacceptable behaviour at school. Had I not gone into school to talk about getting hurt, I would have been none the wiser.

We will work hard at home to stop the bad behaviours displayed at school. Teach him what to do in these scenarios, role play, keep reminding him.

With the incentives, I did offer an incentive of a bike ride at the week end if he did not physically touch/sit on/hold etc other children on Friday. It worked, so we will keep up with that.

But I have to add that aside from all of this, the school must absolutely stop any child from being hurt every week.

This is not being taken on board by the school. So far, it's being brushed to one side.

As they are not allowed to tell you what measures they are specifically taking with the other child, how do you know it's being brushed aside? Perhaps they're just not discussing it with you (rightfully as they shouldn't be).

Hi Alice. Because it's still happening, and the methods being used by the other child are escalating.

What began with pushing and shoving is now stamping on my son's head.

I don't see an improvement in the situation. Measures they may or may not have taken have not been effective.

Why do you say they should rightfully not tell me what measures are being taken? That isn't their stance at all. There is no secrecy surrounding this, they openly say they are not monitoring it.

If it's still happening, and the measures have been ineffective, it's likely they are still meeting with the other parents and discussing trying other methods.

The only thing they can really tell you is "yes, we're dealing with that as well." That's it. It's confidential. They cannot tell you specifically what measures they are using with another child (you know, one that's not yours!), as that is not your business.

By all means, if it's not working, flag it up, follow it up in writing to the head that it's still going on, take it further up the chain if you need to. But be aware that they cannot tell you what they are doing with someone else's child.

In meantime need to shore up in your son some resilience about Not doing Daft things just because someone else thinks it's a good idea.

I think most reception classes have a few "Partners in crime": 2 kids (usually 2 boys) who are attracted towards each other & get up to mischief or worse.

I think that's the whole point though. They are not telling me they are dealing with it, they are implying there isn't anything to be done and that it's quite normal for boys in Reception. They don't seem at all concerned.

I don't think they have spoken to the other family but obviously I don't know this for sure.

The other child is young and silly as well - it is unlikely that he is malicious. Think about it this way - the other child is silly and plays roughly. The rest of the class don't join in. Your son is the one who joins in. He is also independently silly and badly behaved - sitting on people, squeezing hands and so on. The teacher sees your son as part of the problem, because he is.

ALL reception children find it hard to focus, to sit still and be quiet and ALL reception children want to do what they want to do, rather than what they are told to do. Stop focussing on that, it isn't relevant. Your son may be bright, he may not. It is perfectly possible to be bright and well behaved.

He needs to be kept safe. And he needs to learn to keep himself out of trouble. He needs not to join in with this other boy and hopefully he will learn, in time. You can he with the ground rules and with regular contact with school, as you are doing. But also too making excuses for him. And don't panic. This too shall pass. He is very young.

Also STOP making excuses for him...

If they don't seem concerned, perhaps it's because they don't want to alarm anyone or for the parents to come unglued (trust me it happens). They've said it's quite normal for boys, but are willing to work on behaviour stuff, then do so. If it continues, voice your concern again or take it further. But don't assume that they're not doing anything regarding the other boy. Your focus right now should be YOUR ds, as he is obviously part of the problem.

One thing you could try, is to say you want to discuss the two things separately. The first is the fact that your DS has been quite badly hurt by another child (on more than one occasion) and the school do not seem to have dealt with it properly. The second is your DS’s own behaviour. That way, if they try to brush you off and blame your DS you can say “We agreed to discuss that later - first I want to talk about my DS’s safety; I need to know why no-one told me another boy stamped on my DS’s head and I'm not satisfied with how DS's safety is being handled around this boy” That way you are not denying that your DS could still have some issues himself but you’re not letting them brush your concerns aside either.

I agree that there are two separate issues here, and yes they could probably do with being separated.

I take on board I appear to be making excuses for my child.

George, thank you for posting. I appreciate the pragmatic response and should try to keep this in perspective.

So glad you've has had such lovely, supportive, wise posters on here op. Kudos to you for taking all the challenging comments on board. I think with that acknowledgement that you know your son is being silly but insisting on discussing his safety too is a good one.

Love this support from MN. It's really helpful in getting some perspective and unbiased views. Difficult to hear some of the comments, but I can see I really have some work to do with my son, socially, behaviourally (is that a word?!). Thank you all.

With regard to his behaviour following a programme together that has been professionally developed might help him develop his social skills. However, don't sweat reception year with worrying about it too much. He will mature and become more socially adept. They might offer something similar at school.

I think lljkk is right on the points she makes. And as pp mentions small people are not good at separating how they perceive things from reality and they can use emotive language. Some parents won't want their child to play with him if he does play rough.

Resources

Thank you teas, that's kind of you to post the link. I have bought the book. It will be good guidance for me and will help me learn some new tricks.

Did you talk to the school, OP?

Am I the only one who's curious as to whether this was resolved?