Is my child the problem child in Reception?

[Cocobop]

My son started Reception this September.

Almost as soon as they started, I was told about some episodes where he was playing vey roughly with another boy at playtimes, some shoving and pushing going on from both children. His teacher had a quick talk with me on a few occasions at pick up.

I was pretty horrified this had happened, my son has never shown aggression before in nursery, at home, or in any other setting. He is very clever, has strong ideas on what he wants to do and when (ie: he might make a fuss about finishing the project he is working on before stopping to eat dinner). But never aggression.

My husband and I have assured the school we will work with them, and want this to put a stop to it immediately. We have talked to our son. There is one child in particular who often hurts him. Pushing, shoving to the floor, slapping across the face, hitting on the head with playground apparatus, etc. my son feels very frustrated about this and often tells me he doesn't like this boy, and thinks up ways he can get stronger to defend himself or even get the other boy back. They are both 4 years old.

I talked to the teacher regularly abut this (I instigated the follow up talks), and was convinced my son's behaviour was improved, and it was no longer a problem. Recently I spoke to the teacher again because my child came home with torn clothes and a bruise on his eye (caused by other child).

I expressed that my son was being hurt, and no longer hitting/pushing back, but still experiencing the same level of aggression from the other child. The teacher then told me my son is still being aggressive and she believes the boys are the same character and that's why they need to be separated. I don't believe they are the same. I have seen this child on a couple of occasions outside of school, and he approaches my son and teases him by hitting him and running off, several times. My son is a bit scared of him.

Now my son is displaying aggression that I think he has learnt at his school, but the teacher thinks my son is as bad as the other child.

I would appreciate any advice on this. How to help my child from being aggressive? How to know whether he is acting out because he feels bullied by the other child? He has been hurt by the other child many, many times, and I know that my son has pushed/shoved, but never retaliated with the same levels of aggression, ie: slapped in the face or hit other child with an object.

Is this bullying, or my son is the problem? It just seems out of character for him to behave badly in a setting like this, he has not done so in the past. I feel awful that the school have already labelled him.

You should have received a written note informing you of this latest injury. The fact that you didn't receive one makes the school look very bad. The incidents of 'aggression' by your ds are nothing. However black eyes, torn clothes and stamping on someone's head is not normal behaviour by a young child. Do you actually want to keep your child in a school with this kind of behaviour? I'm a mum of 3 and I worked in schools and I have never heard of a child stamping on someone's head. I'd camp outside the HT's office on Monday morning.
You sound very reasonable in your responses to complaints about your ds's behaviour and I wonder if they see you as a bit of a pushover who they can complain to about every little thing.
I know you feel you've just started at this school and don't want to move so quickly but that is actually better for your ds than toughing it out for a couple of years and then deciding nothing will change.

If my son has been displaying all this awful behaviour, why have they not been telling me about it?! Why am I only hearing about it when I have requested a meeting about my child being hurt!

I see what you mean. If they think the boys are evenly matched then it stands to reason that they have spoken to his parents and informed them of his various misdemeanours. Does it seem as though your son is the only one who gets hurt in these games?

Lem73, I still have faith that if I make it clear now that I am not a pushover, and that I will consistently follow this up (in writing and with meetings), until it is dealt with effectively, that they will stamp it out.

It is an excellent school. Very high achieving. The teaching so far has been outstanding. They cannot retain their position as one of the best schools out there without dealing with behaviour like this effectively - or can they? I would expect them to be very experienced with things like this.

Yes exactly Goktwo. It does seem as though my son is the only one who gets hurt.

Hello. Your DS sounds like he's having a similar experience in some ways to my DS4(yR). Ripped hoods, quiet words, others saying he is naughty. He is large and strong for his age and has, it feels, been identified as an instigator of trouble. In part I think it is because he is more noticeable however I imagine his pushing has more impact than others. I understand it is hard to hear and accept what they say. I don't know the answer but here's what I've done.

I've taken a step back. And have become very emotionally detached from their feedback as I know from experience of 3 other DSs that his version of events is very myopic and theirs is reflective of their responsibility for 30 kids. I ask for facts surrounding the incidents and what was seen. I ask what they have done and said I will talk to him. I challenge back in a very neutral way.

Then I do. I ask his perspective and say I expect him to be kind, to step away and tell an adult. Then I leave it. I am waiting to see what happens for the rest of this year and into Y1. It could be him, it could be the teacher, it could be his friend. My experience says it isn't that simple.

We make sure he has lots of positive experiences outside of school and praise him when he is kind, gentle and tries hard. Recognising the lovely chap he is and bolstering his self esteem is is where am at at for the rest of this term.

I don't think they have spoken to the other boys parents. They haven't spoken to me formally. I have requested the meetings with the class teacher because I am concerned about my son being hurt. Only then have they said it's as much my son as the other boy. Well they haven't said that exactly but I get the feeling that is how they view it.

They do have a referral path for addressing behaviour - ginger bear is one flavour of it - a high achieving school will refer those who stand out in a classroom onto similar schemes. They do it for the inspectors reviews

Thanks tea. Good to hear a non emotional way of dealing with this. We are trying to bolster out of school activities and experiences too. I think my son is brushing this off so far, but I am very frustrated that the school think he is a problem so early on in his schooling. It will be that much harder for him to come back from this if he's already on the HT's radar as a trouble maker.

So the school didn't tell you that your child's head had been stamped on at pick up time? Did you not notice any marks? And ask what had happened??

The school has a duty of care. To both your child and the other boy. They are failing in this if the children are getting hurt.

Tea, do you mean they need to show that they are referring a few children onto these schemes to illustrate they are effective in addressing this behaviour?

No they didn't tell me chilly. The marks are under his hair so I didn't notice.

He had his winter hat on when I picked him up so I wouldn't have seen them even if I'd been looking out for injuries!

That is a brilliant post Teamakesitallpossible.

So school spoke to you about the 2 incidents that your child had hurt other in the past few days but failed to mention that your child had his head stamped on!!!

I find this hard to believe are you sure for child is not making up his head was stamped on? Maybe so he won't be I trouble from you for hurting other children.

He's in reception - they see loads of them- they will know that kids react differently to being in a school environment for the first time. They know that confident kids become shy. Troublesome, well-behaved. Man, they're just exploring their boundaries.

Each of my boys have had a different experience and different teachers thought they were too quiet or really well behaved, naughty or inquisitive. They have a different experience every year. Hell, they've had different experiences with the same teacher. and don't get me started on the pattern of 'here's the list of problems I have with DS tea' at the first parents' evening of the year ..... Followed by the 'here's what I think is great about the same DS tea' at the second. Me: 'that's the same fecking list'.

Secondary school is much better - God knows why we decided to go back a fourth time. There is something very overwhelming about reception. And school really isn't real
Life, just like work isn't

We had big problems when DS was in preschool and reception. He was very shy and placid and would let other boys just punch him and he would not retaliate. In the end, when school wouldn't do anything other than um and ah, my husband told DS to push them back and go straight to an adult.

It sounds like your son has been seen trying to defend himself (as was often the case with my ds) and they thought he was instigating it.
As DH says, everybody has a right to defend themself.....including children.
Your DS shouldn't be coming home with bruised eyes and torn clothes. Teach him to shout "no", push the child out of the way and tell an adult. DH would prefer DS to give them a punch back because once bullies know you will fight back, they tend to leave you alone......I informed them though that schools don't tend to condone that nowadays and I insist DS doesnt punch but shoves/pushes them away.

Sort of, to answer about the referral, but actually more specific if there is a child who is exhibiting behaviour that disrupts the classroom they do need to show that they are doing something to provide an intervention. remember this year the curriculum has become a lot more adult led and some behaviours that are positive aren't helpful in that environment. One of the complaints thrown at DS4 is that he won't be quiet once he starts talking in front of the class. I think brill -he's talking.

That's interesting teas. My son is also a talker, he will happily stand in front of the whole class and talk about a subject at length. He's clever. He has an accurate memory. Reading and writing to Year 2 levels. I know that sounds boastful - I'm trying to paint a whole picture of him. He is a strong character in that he gets noticed and stands out, but for his personality not his physical appearance. He is small and willowy physically.

On the other hand he likes lots of attention and to have his own way. He won't let you ignore him. He will try continue to talk and say what he has to say even when told he needs to stop. I can see how he could be a pain sometimes for a teacher trying to teach a class of 30.

Chilly, I am sure he is not making this up. He is extremely accurate when he relays an experience. He gets annoyed if you retell a story and say something that isn't correct. Or he'll tell me if I miss a detail out when I am talking about something. He gave me a blow by blow account of today's events, and he hasn't lied before.

Verbena, we've told him to say loudly STOP and tell a teacher. Put up hands/arms to defend himself, push away.

Teas, that sort of reflects outer experiences so far. In nursery school he was held in really high regard by his teachers. They thought he was great! Really attentive and keen to learn. So this feels worse as we started school with the same expectations.

I'm sorry but a school that does not tell parents about a head injury & beating like you described is not a good school. Good schools do not send home 4 year olds with black eyes without a note or speaking to the parents. He's only been there 2 terms and the level of violence is astounding.

I think you should go to see the head teacher on Monday, OP, and seriously think about changing schools. I can't believe they don't tell about these serious incidents.

I'm sure your child isn't a model student, but he is only four. I also think he should not be discouraged from defending himself when attacked, though he will have to understand the clear difference between attack and defense.

If my child came home with torn clothes and bruises I would keep him home the next day and phone the head. I wouldn't send him back until a plan was put in place to deal with it. It is completely unacceptable for him to keep getting hurt regardless of who instigates the violence.
I'd want them in different classes if possible and playground staff to be aware and try to keep them separate.
It sounds like this is a regular occurance so the school are clearly not dealing with it properly.

As others have said above. If you are sure your son hasn't made it up. Then there is something seriously up with the school. There is no way I would be sending my child back there if they could not remember to tell me my child had been so seriously injured, yet they had time to tell me how he had hurt other.
This situation sounds very strange to me op. I really hope you get to the bottom of it and your little boy enjoys school again.

Good grief. See the headteacher now. Send them an email detailing what you will be discussing eg in the two terms you have been teaching my child he had had

• torn clothes
• a black eye
• someone standing on his neck necessitating a school nurse's attention for

You want to discuss

• how this happened
• speed of intervention (how did he manage to get so badly injured?)
• the school's entrenched belief that he is at fault, no matter what the situation
• lack of notice of these injuries

Play hardball. Can you ask his nursery teacher to write to you with a summary of his behaviour there, or at least to confirm there were no violent incidents?