Is my child the problem child in Reception?

[Cocobop]

My son started Reception this September.

Almost as soon as they started, I was told about some episodes where he was playing vey roughly with another boy at playtimes, some shoving and pushing going on from both children. His teacher had a quick talk with me on a few occasions at pick up.

I was pretty horrified this had happened, my son has never shown aggression before in nursery, at home, or in any other setting. He is very clever, has strong ideas on what he wants to do and when (ie: he might make a fuss about finishing the project he is working on before stopping to eat dinner). But never aggression.

My husband and I have assured the school we will work with them, and want this to put a stop to it immediately. We have talked to our son. There is one child in particular who often hurts him. Pushing, shoving to the floor, slapping across the face, hitting on the head with playground apparatus, etc. my son feels very frustrated about this and often tells me he doesn't like this boy, and thinks up ways he can get stronger to defend himself or even get the other boy back. They are both 4 years old.

I talked to the teacher regularly abut this (I instigated the follow up talks), and was convinced my son's behaviour was improved, and it was no longer a problem. Recently I spoke to the teacher again because my child came home with torn clothes and a bruise on his eye (caused by other child).

I expressed that my son was being hurt, and no longer hitting/pushing back, but still experiencing the same level of aggression from the other child. The teacher then told me my son is still being aggressive and she believes the boys are the same character and that's why they need to be separated. I don't believe they are the same. I have seen this child on a couple of occasions outside of school, and he approaches my son and teases him by hitting him and running off, several times. My son is a bit scared of him.

Now my son is displaying aggression that I think he has learnt at his school, but the teacher thinks my son is as bad as the other child.

I would appreciate any advice on this. How to help my child from being aggressive? How to know whether he is acting out because he feels bullied by the other child? He has been hurt by the other child many, many times, and I know that my son has pushed/shoved, but never retaliated with the same levels of aggression, ie: slapped in the face or hit other child with an object.

Is this bullying, or my son is the problem? It just seems out of character for him to behave badly in a setting like this, he has not done so in the past. I feel awful that the school have already labelled him.

There are few things worse than your child being hurt or unhappy. It's horrible. I had some very tricky issues (hideous friendship stuff) with DD when she was in junior school and it was a very hard time indeed. I hope you can get it sorted out soon.

Type 1 avoids trouble and dislikes rough play, they stay out of the way. Type 2 seems incapable of staying away, enjoy the excitement till it goes working so tend to be the ones who get into trouble

What ABSOLUTE bollocks.

You can't just plonk 4/5 year old boys into 2 groups. They're all individuals with different personalities.

Ds2 never used to like rough play particularly but seems to have grown into it since he started reception. He's average size and his inseparable best friend is huge for his age - half a head taller and much more solidly built.

His friend is much stronger and ds has learnt to be rougher to keep up iyswim? But he doesn't rough play with anyone else and it doesn't mark him out as a trouble maker either

Just thought of something else that might help op. What about having a meeting with the teacher, yourself and your DS. Then the teacher might be able to actually give you and your ds examples of the rough play she is talking about. E.g She might say "what I mean DS is when you and "other child" were out in the play area and you pushed him during that game of IT and I asked you to stop doing it". Then maybe you might be able to see where she is coming from in saying it is more mutual and you can all talk together about it. It also gives your Ds a chance to explain things from his point of veiw.

Even if you can't arrange this do ask her for specific examples of the things DS is apparently doing to encourage this response.

I do feel for you. I have three dcs whenever there has been an issue at school, it's at the back of my mind all day until home time. More often than not, they bounce out of the classroom having had a great day.
Also please don't worry about the teacher 'labelling' your child as aggressive. Imo a teacher who sticks labels on children isn't a very good one. A good teacher sees the good and bad in every child and wants to see them do well.

This is unacceptable, I would keep a log book of incidences. I would also have a meeting with the HT, about the bruising on his eye and torn clothes, as they are brushing it off.

they are so very young. Why the hell are we putting 4 year olds through this?

I think you need to separate what the school are doing vs what the boys are doing.

Short of attending every play time you can't trust a 4 year old's version of events: they remember how they felt not what happened.

So, you know your son and you can talk to him but you can't change his behaviour at school without help.

The teacher is saying he is being rough - he probably IS. The other boy is too. their relationship is not good for either of them.

The school need to assist them in playing with others and separate them - gently. That is up to them: your son was hurt in school, the school need to sort this.

Are they now observing him in the playground? Talking about acceptable behaviour in class? If not, why not? Sorting social stuff is vital in reception as if they are not happy they will not learn no matter how bight they are.

I really feel for you as i have had similar issues with my 4 year DD - except (at a risk of a huge generalisation) the girls seem to be more 'emotionally' cruel rather than physical with each other.

Is your son generally happy at school op or is this making him really miserable about it?

I would say he is generally happy and enjoys school. But I would also say he has come to expect and accept the pushing and shoving as normal, and I'm concerned it has got to this point.

I do struggle to understand why it wasn't completely stopped in the first few weeks. We are almost a term and a half in, and the teacher has just decided to put my son and other child in different groups following our meeting (requested by me). Why wouldn't they have done this sooner if they could see the problems?

Also, why is any aggression at all being tolerated? We don't tolerate any aggression at home. Maybe my son thinks that he can get physical to an extent at school without consequences.

Quick update - the school have told me of 2 more incidents in the last few days (not involving this other child), but just my child. He has been physical with other children in the class room. Not aggressive, but doing things like holding hands and not letting go. Sitting on someone during circle time.Being annoying basically. But this is unacceptable and I want it to stop.

They have given consequences, I am in complete agreement. I want my child to realise he has to keep his hands to himself at school. I have talked to him twice at home as well.

Then today my child was pushed to the floor and his head stamped on by other child that has been hurting him before. He had a bump so large he spent the entire playtime with nurse and an ice pack.

The head saw my child crying and took him to his office to ask if HE had hurt anyone. I am furious. The school seem to be assuming my child is the problem. He is still being seriously hurt and it was only a couple of days since I asked for this all to be monitored! I feel so upset.

Having your head stamped on & being treated by the school nurse is shocking! The HT response is atrocious. Did the school tell you about your son's head injury or leave it to your son?? I would be meeting with the HT & if still unhappy go higher. But it sounds like they have labelled your son as the trouble maker. Are there any other schools nearby?

That sounds awful, what a horrible day for you both. Of course it's not acceptable for your son to be constantly hurt, I hope he's feeling better now. How was this latest incident put to you? Was it acknowledged that the other child had wilfully hurt him and was the other child given consequences?

The school did not tell me about it. My son told me after we had left school.

I do not want to change schools. We have just started there - not even 2 terms into Reception.

They have labelled my son the trouble maker haven't they? I'm so sad they would do that. Why can they not see the difference between shoving and pushing back when provoked, and real violence that this other child is displaying?

My child has been held by the neck against a wall, head stamped on, slapped across face with palm of hand, hands held behind his back and rammed into playground apparatus. None of these manoeuvres are on my son's radar. He wouldn't ever/ I have never seen him do anything remotely like any of that.

I would go in on Monday and ask to see the HT about it. Maybe write down your concerns before you go, if you're anything like me you might get flustered when you get there. Or you may be nothing like that!

When you write about your own response to reports of your son's apparent boisterous behaviour I don't think you could be more reasonable and supportive.

Tell the HT the things you wrote in the second paragraph of your last post.

Thank you. I just cannot understand how they could think my child is the instigator. Baffled.

I plan to hold one more meeting with his class teacher and log the meeting in an email.

If there is a single further incident I will ask to speak to the HT. How do I convince a school my child is not the problem here? My child is already negative as far as the school are concerned and we're not even 2 terms into school.

The truth is I am feeling extremely upset and may show this in my meeting so I will make notes!

My son seems to be brushing off the violence but it must be affecting him. That could be why he is playing up in class with annoying other children.

Get your husband to teach your son how to fight back. Bullies do not like being hurt.
I know I am not being pc or following the modern idea of let the teacher sort it out but if you son really hurts the bully your son will have no more problems.

When you raise your concerns about the other child what do they say?

You said he's new to the school, but did he start at the same time as the other kids? If he started later, maybe the teachers are calling him the instigator because the other child wasn't behaving badly before your son started, if you see what I mean. Why isn't the school giving you incident reports when your son gets hurt? My daughter is four and in preschool and we get incident reports for every little thing that happens.

You may find it effective to couch the discussion very clearly in terms of your son's safety and that of the other children. The school's first duty is to keep all children safe and this one doesn't sound like it is.

They started at the same time. The other child has an older sibling at the school whereas we are a new family to the school.

Perhaps they are familiar with the family of the other child and know the older sibling to be well behaved?

At pre school we have always had incident reports too. This school seems to be lax on telling parents about incidents. 80% of the time I get the information from my child and not his teacher.

When I raised concerns about the other child I was told the two boys clash. That they have the same personality, and I felt as though the school see both boys as being aggressive.

I wasn't told any particular information about the other child at all. I don't know if his parents are aware of the issues. I do know the other child has hurt other children, but the vast majority of his aggression is directed towards my child. My child does continue with a game of chase for example, if the other child starts it, so I can't say my child is in complete fear of the other child. But I don't want it to get to that, it needs to be stopped before that happens.

You should most definitely have been informed about the incident today. Head injuries are usually treated with the utmost care and caution.

My first meeting with the teacher started as being about my concerns for my son's safety and not being hurt at school, and was steered by his teacher into it being about my son making other friends, my son being annoying towards other children. Not listening to the teachers in class, and also being aggressive towards the other child. I was told my son has pushed and shoved the other child too.