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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to consider working FT with three children under 5

143 replies

harrowgreen · 28/01/2015 14:18

when we don't need the money and DH has a very demanding job....

DD1 is 4.5, DS 1.11 and DD2 0.1 (4wks).

I was a professional in the City before DD1, but never went back after maternity leave and have spent the last few years working mainly in the charitable sector on a pro bono basis;

We're now done with having children, and I want to go back to work.

I've been offered a job in the profession I used to work in, but it's full-time. We're no longer in London so it's not crazy hours (core of 9-6), but DH is out of the house for at least 13hrs/day, sometimes with overnight travel, so can't help with childcare in a practical sense. So I'd need help getting DD1 to school and DS and DD2 to nursery (they can all start by 8am), and picking them all up. DD1's school offers after-school care until 6pm (for an extra charge) and nursery runs until 6pm also. DS is really settled at nursery already (he goes PT currently) so I wouldn't want to move him.

I can't work out if going back would put our family under intense stress. DH has a very healthy salary, so we don't need the money (it'd cover childcare but that'd be it). I wouldn't go back immediately (I'm EBF and will do until 6m and will then continue to BF for the full year), but likely late summer.

The job would be great, but I'm not sure if it'd be great enough to warrant this huge change in lifestyle for us all. Working PT there probably isn't possible, although some working from home might be allowed.

If I don't take this job I have another option in the charity sector which would be part-time, flexible, mainly from home and give me great exposure. Money would obviously be minimal in comparison but, as I said above, that's not a huge concern. However I'm not sure there'd be the intellectual stimulation of the professional role.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
buffersandbumpers · 28/01/2015 22:00

I did it with 3 under 5yrs but had a nanny. If you can afford it then I really recommend a nanny. It's not just the childcare, it's the food and laundry stuff they do that keeps you sane and means weekends really are yours.Go for it :)

minipie · 28/01/2015 22:05

As I said in my post it depends on commute and sleeping times. For example if OP works 9-6, has a 30 min commute and her DC sleep for 10.5 hours a night (like mine) then she could see them from 7-9am and then 6.30-8.30pm. That's 4 hours a day plus weekends. I think that's quite a lot, especially if the admin/housework is done by a nanny/cleaner so she can spend those 4 hours purely focusing on DC.

I don't think 4 hours a day, plus weekends, is being "absent".

minipie · 28/01/2015 22:06

^this is in reply to imnotbeing

Imnotbeingyourbestfriendanymor · 28/01/2015 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

esiotrot2015 · 28/01/2015 22:22

I'd go for it

I gave up my career when u had kids and now can't back into it at the same level

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 28/01/2015 22:29

Minipie, the hours you mention as being opportunities for the OP to be focused on her children are not conducive to that. 7-8.15 (if 30 min commute for a 9 start) then that would likely be taken up with sobering and getting ready.

In the evening, with very young ones, it's likely just about time for a bedtime book and a cuddle.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 28/01/2015 22:30

Sobering?! I meant showering

kittensinmydinner · 28/01/2015 22:35

As someone who has had to do full time with 3 children because of money ( ex hubby was low paid, current dh contracts -well paid but not secure) I would say if you don't HAVE to do it, then don't ! It's incredibly stressful and only gets worse as they get older. Homework, projects, clubs, play dates, illness.... X 3 followed by teenage angst, GCSEs, A Levels.... All ready and waiting for you when you get home after a 9 hr day, Even with a cleaner and a nanny, neither can take your place for all of the above and it all makes actually enjoying your Dcs so much more exhausting.Ask yourself why you want to do it. If it's because you are bored witless at the moment and want something that's going to be engrossing, challenging and with some adult conversation, then how about putting your skills to good use ? Where would your skill set be needed and appreciated .? I am thinking C.A.B.. Or some such....

TeddyBee · 28/01/2015 22:36

I manage. I get home around 6.30 most evenings and the children don't go to bed until 8pm. Then we have all weekend and one day a week I work from home so see them more. I also generally use my annual leave to spend time with them during school holidays. It can work well.

minipie · 28/01/2015 22:40

enjoying fair point re getting showered and dressed but that really takes hardly any time and if OP can get showered before her DH leaves in the am then he can spend time with them while she is in the shower. Bedtime cuddles and stories I count as focused on the DC, don't you?

I am unusual in that my dd doesn't sleep ever as much as average so perhaps the OP would get less time - but on the other hand I have an hour commute and assume the OP won't.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/01/2015 22:45

Minipie - if you're working full time with a big commute and managing to spend quality focused time with your dc around that mid week, then I think you're doing extraordinarily well.
Iirc, when I worked full time, the hour we had in the morning and in the evening together were stressed and frankly shit.

Viviennemary · 28/01/2015 22:49

Some people do thrive on this lifestyle. There's no doubt about it. If it would suit you as an individual is another matter. Would it suit your DH and children. With reliable childcare and other help in the home it's possible.

minipie · 28/01/2015 22:59

arethere it's not perfect, of course there are stressed days, when dd is being stroppy or when my mind is elsewhere, but I'm sure SAHMs have those too. On the plus side, on those days DD gets handed over to a nanny who hasn't had the stressed morning, has nothing to focus on other than DD, so has more patience - so in that sense it can even be better for DD I think.

For me, I'm more able to focus on dd if I only have 3 hours a day with her - I really look forward to seeing her in the evenings and chatting to her about her day, rather than feeling like "oh god only another hour till bedtime".

All parents are different of course, some parents would hate having this little time and would find it difficult to focus on dc before/after a working day. it's all about finding what works for you.

I only have one child of course! perhaps my view would be different with 3.

Kittymum03 · 28/01/2015 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GColdtimer · 28/01/2015 23:08

Thing is mini pie when you have 3 of them needing you - help with homework, talking about troubles at school, listening to reading - as well as coping with strops and sibling rivalry those few precious evening hours you get with them can become fraught and stressful.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 28/01/2015 23:10

If you need intellectual stimulation as part of a FT job with three kids incl a 4 week old I raise my hat to youGrin

Yanbu but you will need a full time nanny who does an 8-7 day or 7-6. They're not cheap. Regardless of how much you love your job you will kill yourself over the balance between work and kids.

You already have a school run to do. Try getting three reluctant kids out of bed in the dark at 7am in January, dressed and down for porridge so you can have them ready at the door for the school run (my DD starts at 8.30, a 9am school start makes life easier ish but then means pre AND post school care.

To be honest as someone with a FT job, two kids (4.5 and 2) I can completely appreciate the desire to escape to a adult world where your work is highly regarded especially monetarily. It's hard work though. A very different kind of hard work to someone who is working their ass off just to survive. It's a whole world of yummy mummy style middle class guilt about "neglecting your kids" when you don't have to.

Good luck and yanbu but there are easier choices so if you take it then suck it up.

wobblyweebles · 28/01/2015 23:18

Not read all the answers. I went back to work full time when my three were under 6. It was very easy because I had excellent childcare - my neighbour. It really did make all the difference. She did all the school/nursery runs, after school care, holiday care. She was worth her weight in gold.

wobblyweebles · 28/01/2015 23:20

Also... I usually got home at 5.30pm but I'd pick the children up at 6pm. That gave them time to finish homework and me time to make dinner and generally sort out the chaos.

creambun2014 · 29/01/2015 00:32

It is honestly not as bad as described. Obviously you are quite busy but we still had a social life, and went out did activities with the children. We never had a nanny or a cleaner. At the time we did all walking as I wasnt driving so that adds time to your journey. I found it a little more tiring doing it when I was heavily pregnant but I hate pregnancy.

It is no different to opposite shifts. We have done me working all day dh working 7pm -3am. Never had nannies, cleaners or family help. We are young and just bounce back and do whatever.

Romann · 29/01/2015 00:57

We did it but had a live-in nanny/housekeeper and a live-in au pair, and one of them was always there at weekends too, and always came with us on weekends away or whatever so we had less heavy lifting to do. It was still a bit exhausting (DC3 a poor sleeper) but I don't regret it. I loved that job. Neither DH or I ever did a single iota of housework nor a single iota of laundry and just the teeny weeniest bit of cooking. I do remember that I didn't have time or energy for sport or exercise which was quite a big deal for me. My hours were a bit flexible, and my boss was nice, but I had to travel quite a bit and so did DH at the time.

Tbh one important issue for me was maintaining equality with DH in all areas of life. Not because I compete with him, but because my career is important to me and I was afraid of it becoming less and less relevant and valued. And because he tends to ignore domestic arrangements, which annoys me. Our relationship works much better when we are both pursuing our professions.

9 years on the kids are alright. That said, they would even now love it if I gave up work, and couldn't give a monkey's whether or not DH did Grin. I don't feel that I've missed out on their childhoods at all or that our relationship has suffered though.

Romann · 29/01/2015 00:59

I really wouldn't worry about neglecting your kids as long as they have someone reliable and kind, who they like, looking after them when you are not there.

Original poster
harrowgreen · 29/01/2015 04:06

So many replies and so much to think about.

In response to some queries, yes I'm bored at home when I'm there full-time. When I have time away from the children and then return I'm a much better parent. So I don't want to be a FT SAHP.

The main considerations seem to be the effect on the children, on DH and our relationship, and my career.

I totally agree in principle that DH should also take some of the slack but he's only just started in his new role (the previous one had constant travel and even longer hours...) and can't. In a few years, sure, but right now he can't. Plus he is, and always will be, the main breadwinner so we need to ensure he can so his role.

Tomorrow (well today) I'm going to call a few nanny agencies and get some idea of costings for looking after the two little ones, plus school pick up and drop off. That is a huge factor: I don't need to work for the money, but I don't want to pay to work if childcare is more than my salary would be.

It is just such a huge choice. I don't want to regret the decision in the future when I either have no career or have a career but feel I've missed out on the children.

I'm not keen on starting it with the attitude I can always quit. Firstly ten charity role won't be there forever, so likely wouldn't then be available. And secondly, I need to start something totally committed to it. Plus I think it'll take a while to get back up to speed professionally so I wouldn't have a real view of what it'd be like for a while.

I think I need to push for PT/working from home and see what they say. If it's FT or nothing that's a very different set up to something more flexible.

OP posts:
NaiveMaverick · 29/01/2015 04:25

I did it. With a nanny.

Asking my DC about it now they are glad they had a nanny looking after them during the day. The nanny liked playing with them etc I didn't. I hate baking / play dough / everything messy.

The children all saw enough of me. We are all well bonded etc. they're teenagers now and are all doing well.

So - if you don't want to stay at home FT you may not be the best person to look after your DC all day.

I know my DC were looked after by a nanny better than I would have done.

Eastpoint · 29/01/2015 04:29

I have friends who went back to work in that situation with a nanny - they found it easier than being at home with small children. I was surprised how many women stopped working once their youngest child had started school.

Jessicalovessunshine · 29/01/2015 04:47

i did this (albeit one child) and got a nanny - she was a godsend and my daughter adores her

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