.. to consider working FT with three children under 5

[harrowgreen]

when we don't need the money and DH has a very demanding job....

DD1 is 4.5, DS 1.11 and DD2 0.1 (4wks).

I was a professional in the City before DD1, but never went back after maternity leave and have spent the last few years working mainly in the charitable sector on a pro bono basis;

We're now done with having children, and I want to go back to work.

I've been offered a job in the profession I used to work in, but it's full-time. We're no longer in London so it's not crazy hours (core of 9-6), but DH is out of the house for at least 13hrs/day, sometimes with overnight travel, so can't help with childcare in a practical sense. So I'd need help getting DD1 to school and DS and DD2 to nursery (they can all start by 8am), and picking them all up. DD1's school offers after-school care until 6pm (for an extra charge) and nursery runs until 6pm also. DS is really settled at nursery already (he goes PT currently) so I wouldn't want to move him.

I can't work out if going back would put our family under intense stress. DH has a very healthy salary, so we don't need the money (it'd cover childcare but that'd be it). I wouldn't go back immediately (I'm EBF and will do until 6m and will then continue to BF for the full year), but likely late summer.

The job would be great, but I'm not sure if it'd be great enough to warrant this huge change in lifestyle for us all. Working PT there probably isn't possible, although some working from home might be allowed.

If I don't take this job I have another option in the charity sector which would be part-time, flexible, mainly from home and give me great exposure. Money would obviously be minimal in comparison but, as I said above, that's not a huge concern. However I'm not sure there'd be the intellectual stimulation of the professional role.

Thoughts?

I'm exhausted just reading your OP. If you really, really want to do it then go for it. I have 3 kids and couldn't do it in a million years but I am pretty lazy by nature.

You see, I find it much (much much much) easier going to work, where I sit at a computer and go to meetings - and get a hot cup of tea whenever I want! - compared with looking after DC all day. And I only have one DC! So it depends what you personally find harder OP.

And yes I would totally go nuts at home, recently I stepped up my responsibilities at work (at DH's suggestion, I was driving him mad getting obsessed with re-decorating the house etc.).

Now I couldn't care less what the house looks like because I'm busy on exciting projects and feel I'm doing something worthwhile.

Like cream I need to be busy.

I went back at six months full time after both dc. I've never known an academic take longer than six months!

I work full tkme but flexi so I work 7-3. I have oodles of time with the dc, I love my work and have a great final salary pension. It can work really well.

However key for me is DH and I both have 15 minute cycle / bus to work. Commuting would make it stressful on top.

And with two dc I've had lots of days off with chicken pox / hand foot and mouth / slapped cheek. A nanny would still look after them then which would be very useful.

I work FT (9-5.30, with a 1.5 hr commute to work and back) and have got 2 under 4 - they were 0.11 and 2.0 when I started work again. I was so happy to get back to the workplace - I never chose to be a SAHM and didn't enjoy it.

I was lucky in my return to work that my DH has a flexible job and was willing to be very flexible himself. It's been very tiring and busy but on balance I'm really happy, as we will be very comfortable once the kids are both in school and won't have to worry about money any more. Plus my job allows flexible working, which I am now eligible for. All in all, it has worked out much better returning to work now rather than later - I'm told that they need you more as they age, not less, for emotional support and general logistics

I work full time and pretty much always have, I have three children who are now teenagers. Went back to work each time when they were babies. Love my job, love my career.

BUT

I wouldn't do what you are proposing.

My dh is SAHD (and has small home business) so one of us was always around for sicknesses, school pick ups, keeping house in some sort of order.

And more importantly kids have had a parent there every day (I took them to school every day too - negotiated a slightly later start time, but I live and work in central London so am lucky).

Personally I don't think it's fair on your children, yourselves or on your employer as you will be taking days off when the kids are sick if you put them in nursery. (Mine all went to nursery but again my dh was at home for the numerous calls to pick them up with nits, sickness, bumps on their head).

The only solution if you want this job as others have said is to get a great nanny.

It does depend on your children I have only taken 2 sickness days when we both worked full time and that was over 5 years and we had 2 children at that time. Eldest has never had a day off school ill and she is year 2.

I would go back full time if I were you.

I only have 2 kids but was out of work for about 5 years. It took me a long time to find a part time job. I am working part time but god is the job boring, I am badly paid and under utilised. Taking the break was career suicide.

If think everyone's suggestion of a nanny is a great idea.

I would also suggest that your DH is also involved in the logistical shuffle that is family life and working. Until men take a greater part in the rearing of their children us women will always be fucking up our careers to do the kids things and work.

Good luck.

If you want to then go for the professional job but get the sort of child are that means you can focus on the work. You can't do both without a lot of stress unless you have a partner with a flexible job.

I always worked full time, in the City, but had the type of child care that meant I could leave the house at 7am, get back whenever and knew the DCs would be fine. Weekends were all about doing things with DCs, everything domestic that could be outsourced was outsourced.

After paying for child care etc, I probably had less disposable income than my grad trainees. Loved the work though. And DCs were happy.

I went back to work full time when DCs were 3,2 and 9 months. And to a job which was pretty full on for the first 6 months or so; ended up going out the door at 8am and not back until 8pm most days.

It worked because we have an amazing nanny. And it was the best decision I ever made - that job led to a another one with a big promotion, and now it's like I was never out of the workplace. It was bloody hard work but now I am much better off - financially independent, mentally stimulated etc. I would go mad as a SAHM though.

Get a nanny, try it out and then quit if you feel the compromise is too great.

I wouldn't do it. I have gone back ft after 8 years pt and I am counting the months until I can drop a day. My dc are 8 and 4.

I believe children will thrive in a loving environment that is safe whether or not the parent work ft or not. Presenteeism doesn't equal good parenting to me, so that is not why I wouldn't do it, I wouldn't do it as I think you will find it very hard.

I have never ever had so little time to myself. I find I am either working or sorting stuff out for the dc or wanting to spend time withthem. I am shattered so don't want to meet up with friends at all and I have virtually lost whatever social life I had. I only exercise if I get up at 6 am and weekends are spent catching up on stuff like washing and ironing, buying birthday gift and I have a cleaner.

It is entirely up to you and lots of people do manage to make it work, but given the choice (I am the main earner) I definitely wouldn't.

Do it. I went back to work when the twins were seven months old. They are now ten. It's hard but worth it. Organisation is key. And that don't listen to all the I know better, they only try to make you feel bad because they choose differently.

I have two children who are teenagers. It is not the case that when you are ready you can just step into the role of your choice. Honestly you will be on the back foot regarding getting a role, sad but true

Absolutely. If it's hard your husband could always cut his hours. No reason men have to come before women!

I worked full time with 3 chilren under 5 and we both worked full time. Works fine as long as men pull their weight, hire nannies, do the washing - loads of decent men do that. Loser men don't and they aren't worth having.

I agree. You don't go back to work and then your male partner carries on as normal. You need to agree that things around the cleaning and childcare need to be shared orbit for joint

For me it wasn't just the money. It was the independence and of course the money allowed us us to go down the private school route.

It might work if you had a good nanny and didn't mind not seeing your kids during the week.

Would I do it? Not in a million years. My dh is out of the house for 12 hours a day and I've been working 4 days a week for 8 months and the strain has been considerable, I am flat out all the time. Honestly, I suggest you renegotiate working hours with your dh before you go full time too.

I do think the type of childcare makes a big difference. When I look at the things that send me over the edge, it's stuff like discovering at 9pm that the DC don't have any clean clothes for the next day, or being so ashamed of the state of the DC's rooms that they can't have friends over, having spent the morning hustling DC out of the house whilst trying to remember to take everything for work too. Friends who have nannies just don't have these issues, which makes their time at home with the DC a lot less stressed. I was talking to a friend whose dc2 is the same age as mine. Both are going through a challenging "phase" right now, and she admitted that the relief of being able to handover to the nanny to get her dressed and out of the house some mornings was huge. The flexibility that a nanny allows you to have is invaluable, especially when you are trying to (re)establish yourself in a career.

I don't agree that your DC would see very little of you during the week. That depends on their sleeping habits and your commute.

For example, my DD (age 2) only sleeps 8.30pm to 7am. I work 9.30-6 so even with an hour's commute each way, I see her for 1.5 hours in the morning and 1.5 hours in the evening. DH works longer hours but he sees her for half an hour in the morning before he leaves (and he does bedtime one weekday too).

With a shorter commute you could see even more of them.

Now, 3 hours a day is not the same as all day of course, but it's plenty for me (of course I see her all day at weekends too) and DD seems very happy.

I would say either take the charity role and continue with the childcare arrangements you already have OR get a bloody good nanny and go for it with the professional role.

I am a SAHM but have several friends with 3 or 4 DC who either work almost full time or absolutely full time, they all manage it well BUT they tend to go down the nanny route so nanny effectively steps into their role at home, does a 7:30 - 6:30 type day, covers all the post-school stuff like reading practice/hosts playdates, does sickness cover and covers the random school inset days etc. I don't think I know any full time WOHM (and I know many!) who would even attempt to juggle the combination of afterschool care/nursery care you are talking about when they have more than 2 DC to think about. The logistics are just too stressful.

to be honest .you are going to miss a big part of your children growing up .if you had to for financial reasons then of course but just because you want to and it will only cover cm fees then no that sound,s so selfish .sorry to be so brutal .the part time sounds ideal

In what way is the charity role not a professional role, I'm in a senior role in a charity and it absolutely is. That aside, I wouldn't do it, I have done 4 days a week with good childcare and 3 children and a well paid husband out of the house 13 hours a day and it's shit, there's no 2 ways about it. Nobody benefitted from the arrangement. It could have worked if I had had the flexibility to work from home on occasion and to change my hours if needed but I couldnt. If you do do it the only workable option is a nanny plus a cleaner as you will have absolutely no time to do anything other than concentrate on the children when you are home if your husband works like you suggest

It depends. Who would you plan on asking to help you with pickups/dropoffs? Read the other thread on here atm of someone resentful of a favour now being expected as regular free childcare and you would probably want to consider hiring someone (au pair?) just for that rather than relying on friends/family to provide it.

I personally wouldn't do it. I work for myself and when I am on a busy project life gets very stressful. The dds really miss me too and actually i miss them. Trying to juggle school runs, packed lunches, homework, washing, dinner, etc is honestly a nightmare and I only can cope because its project work so I know it's not forever. I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to. Last year I missed the nativity, show and tell, end of project assemblies and other stuff. And when they are sick it's really hard.

We are lucky in that DHs job can be flexible but it's still hard.

If you can find something fulfilling which is part time I think you will find life a lot less stressful.

You know what you want to do.

What would your children want?