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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to consider working FT with three children under 5

143 replies

harrowgreen · 28/01/2015 14:18

when we don't need the money and DH has a very demanding job....

DD1 is 4.5, DS 1.11 and DD2 0.1 (4wks).

I was a professional in the City before DD1, but never went back after maternity leave and have spent the last few years working mainly in the charitable sector on a pro bono basis;

We're now done with having children, and I want to go back to work.

I've been offered a job in the profession I used to work in, but it's full-time. We're no longer in London so it's not crazy hours (core of 9-6), but DH is out of the house for at least 13hrs/day, sometimes with overnight travel, so can't help with childcare in a practical sense. So I'd need help getting DD1 to school and DS and DD2 to nursery (they can all start by 8am), and picking them all up. DD1's school offers after-school care until 6pm (for an extra charge) and nursery runs until 6pm also. DS is really settled at nursery already (he goes PT currently) so I wouldn't want to move him.

I can't work out if going back would put our family under intense stress. DH has a very healthy salary, so we don't need the money (it'd cover childcare but that'd be it). I wouldn't go back immediately (I'm EBF and will do until 6m and will then continue to BF for the full year), but likely late summer.

The job would be great, but I'm not sure if it'd be great enough to warrant this huge change in lifestyle for us all. Working PT there probably isn't possible, although some working from home might be allowed.

If I don't take this job I have another option in the charity sector which would be part-time, flexible, mainly from home and give me great exposure. Money would obviously be minimal in comparison but, as I said above, that's not a huge concern. However I'm not sure there'd be the intellectual stimulation of the professional role.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Kittymum03 · 28/01/2015 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stealthsquiggle · 28/01/2015 16:01

I do wonder sometimes what jobs the "plenty of time to work when they are older" proponents work in.

In a lot of careers, taking 10 years out would be career suicide. In my own (admittedly massively male dominated) industry, I only know of one woman who opted to stay at home until her DC was at school. She is still unemployed several years later, doing the odd bit of freelance work and trying desperately to get back int to FT work, even at a significantly lower level to where she left. And she "only" had 5 years out, with one DC.

Yes, you can get a job after a long gap. What you may well not be able to do is to pick up a previous career with any expectation of being able to continue to progress in it. That is not the only factor in these decisions, of course, but it is one which deserves consideration.

superzero · 28/01/2015 16:03

Personally I wouldn't work full-time out of choice.I've got 3 under 5 and 3 days is enough.
I do enjoy the time I spend at work but even with a nanny the days that I do work are just quite stressful.The children are over-excited when I get in at 6.30 and I do actually mind missing lots of school events and after-school activities.
I would probably enjoy my job more if I did work full-time though as although I work hard I can't do it properly and am often cutting corners to rush home and relieve the nanny.But I'd personally rather feel like I'm cutting more corners at work than at home.
Everyone makes a good point about who would cover you when one of the children is inevitably ill? I assume that would be you? That would add another dimension to an already fairly stressful set-up.
So,if you decide to do it,get a nanny at least for some of the working week.

PrimalLass · 28/01/2015 16:06

I would go for the charity role. In fact, I'm in the position at the moment of looking for something p/t after being self employed for years. I could go FT and put the kids into after-school club, but we'd all be miserable. Plus there are so many school holidays, assemblies, sick days ...

IHeartChristmasMoomies · 28/01/2015 16:07

I would do it. I missed working, although full time didn't work for is when we were both at work and had three under three!

I say take it. You can always quit if you need to, once you're back in you have much greater scope to move to another position, firm, or more convenient hours.

JohnCusacksWife · 28/01/2015 16:11

I wouldn't even consider it, if I'm honest. Your DH is out the house 13 hrs a day, you'd be out of the house not much less than that. When would you ever see your children? Do homework? Play with them? Relax with them?

If you don't need the money I just can't understand why you'd consider it, especially when you have a family friendly alternative option on the table.

NB - my comments are on the basis that you don't need the money. If you did then it would be a different story.

fadingfast · 28/01/2015 16:14

I think working full time with three children would be incredibly hard without either (1) supportive family on hand to help out, (2) a partner who has some flexibility and can help out, or (3) a nanny. In my view it gets harder once the children are at school and factoring in school holidays, school meetings/assemblies, homework, after school clubs etc.
I don't think I could cope with managing a full time job on top of all that, especially a demanding one. And I wouldn't want to either, I think it would be unfair on my children. But then I'm no wonder woman!

Kittymum03 · 28/01/2015 16:17

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OllyBJolly · 28/01/2015 16:20

I went back FT with 2 DCs under 4 as an LP. I had a live out nanny. I knew I didn't have the organisational ability to work with breakfast club, after-school, sickness,inset days blah blah blah. It was probably more expensive than it had to be when both were at school FT but it was so worth it for the peace of mind and lack of hassle.

I didn't really have a choice because I needed an income and that income had to be enough to cover the household costs and childcare (which it very barely did in the early days!). Now, it was well worth it. I've had a great career, a job I absolutely love and two confident, self sufficient, independent daughters.

bettyboop1970 · 28/01/2015 16:27

I personally would not work fulltime with 3 under 5 unless I had no choice. I would wait till youngest is about 4.

LiegeAndLief · 28/01/2015 16:30

I wouldn't do it mainly because of the seething resentment I would feel towards my husband. He will presumably swan around much like before - you will be covering sickness, inset days, rushing off on the dot of 5 every day to pick up, doing every pick up and drop off, rushing in at 6 trying to do reading and homework and tea and bedtime, trying to wangle a couple of hours off to make a nativity play, doing all the faffing that comes with school like forms and costumes and easter bonnets.

I'm sure it's doable if you have a good nanny and are very organised. But for me it would kill my marriage.

indecisiveithink · 28/01/2015 16:37

Can your husband do four days? And you do four days? You can both work then and only need three crazy days a week

We all need to start asking employers to consider PT for BOTH sexes. I'll bet you'll both be as productive as you would be doing 5 days.

krustyem · 28/01/2015 16:38

I don't get why you'd want to work that much if you don't need to. You'll hardly see your children. I can get flamed all you like here but why bother having children if someone else is doing all the bringing up. I don't think you can have it all, somethings going to crash. It's only a few year's until there all at school, why not just do the part time option until then.

Feminine · 28/01/2015 16:43

Why do you want to do it op

Are you bored at home?

TeddyBee · 28/01/2015 16:46

A nanny would make it perfectly doable and I would do it. I'm going back full time soon and I'll have 5 year old, 4 year old and 6 month old. It is lovely for them to have me at home some of the time. I am not a very fun full time parent. The days we have a nanny are about a million times easier than the nursery days, especially because she generally tidies up and does the washing up. Bliss.

Chunderella · 28/01/2015 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

creambun2014 · 28/01/2015 17:15

We did it by me and the kids out at 7am every morning be home for 6. Dh left about 6.45 -6.45/7.15. We had no cleaner or nanny.

Of course it is doable I dont believe there is anything literally undoable. Depends how much you want to work. It has got my where I am today and I would do it again.

seaoflove · 28/01/2015 17:21

Your youngest is only four weeks old - how soon would you expect to start this job?

My only concern would be whether you are rushing into thoughts of full time work a bit too soon. Hate to sound patronising, but have you been feeling OK since you gave birth? You don't think there might be something causing you to want time away from your newborn?

jamaisjedors · 28/01/2015 17:22

So people are only allowed to work now if it's financially "necessary" (who exactly decides that anyway?)?

There is no ideal solution, but one thing is for certain, your husband will never turn down any work commitments (or ever be in a position to do so) unless you have a reasonably comparable role.

So 10 years down the line you'll be doing all the childcare, dealing with all the household worries etc. and working in a job that is not really particularly fulfilling.

If you don't think you'll resent that, go ahead.

I would.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 28/01/2015 17:22

I would not do it. No way. Stressful all round.

seaoflove · 28/01/2015 17:22

Apologies, I've just re-read your OP and see you wouldn't want to start work for another five months.

creambun2014 · 28/01/2015 17:23

I dont think there is anything wrong with returning early. I have twice and you wouldnt say that to a dad. It is sexist imo.

nightswift · 28/01/2015 17:24

8- 6 is a long day out of the house for little ones - i too would recommend a nanny. After school and nursery will not feed them an evening meal and your evenings will be hellish - doable a couple of days not every day relentlessly. With a nanny they are home, happy, fed and you only have to get yourself hone rather than 3 kids as well - you can also leave the house am with them still in their jammies rather than having to dress 4 of you!

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 28/01/2015 17:25

I hate to be patronising, but four weeks after giving birth, I don't think is the best time to be making big decisions.

On a completely different matter, I love you describing his age as 0.1!

jamaisjedors · 28/01/2015 17:25

seaoflove she talked about starting late summer, no harm in planning ahead.

I think your remark about "already" thinking about work when her baby is 4 weeks old is very distasteful - complete with faux "concern".

There doesn't have to be anything "wrong" with someone who thinks about returning to work after a month, the majority of men do this without a second glance, and plenty of women can return to work after a couple of months (or even- gasp!- do some work from home while on maternity leave) without having some fundamental attachment issue.