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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mixed sex sleepover - 9 year olds

137 replies

MrsGoslingWannabe · 27/01/2015 21:06

DD has been invited to a sleepover which I assumed would be girls only but have since discovered a boy is going to as well. Something makes me uncomfortable about this and I think I may have to cancel. AIBU?

OP posts:

Takver · 28/01/2015 09:22

" Say they start at 6 and have a birthday sleepover every year just the two of them. At what age do you say "I think it's innapropriate now?""

I can answer that one easily, as dd has a good friend in her group who is a boy. Around yr 5 or 6, he got banished from the room while the girls got changed and giggled - and the suggestion of the sofabed downstairs for sleepovers was happily received by all. (I only do one child at a time sleepovers, so it wasn't like the rest were in dd's room and him excluded)

I should say I wasn't imagining them doing anything terrible, just that they wanted a bit more privacy at that point. DD is in fact planning a mixed sex camping sleepover for her birthday this yr (she'll be 13) - my main worry there from painful experience is ghost stories around the fire followed by midnight tears and panic!

Hakluyt · 28/01/2015 09:29

"
Hakylut - yes i would. Say they start at 6 and have a birthday sleepover every year just the two of them. At what age do you say "I think it's innapropriate now?"

As a rule of thumb- when one of them becomes uncomfortable with it. They will want to get changed separately from about 7 or 8 at the latest in my experience, and probably want to be in separate rooms by, say, 10ish? Is it not a sleepover if they are in separate rooms?

Then they get to 17/18 and all in a big heap in the living room like puppies again!

TheIronGnome · 28/01/2015 09:29

It was me who mentioned lesbians, not at all trying to wind you up- just trying to open your eyes on the basis of you believing at there are potentially sexual intentions, and that girls can be just as likely to experiment with each other- they certainly don't need a boy present.

If you believe, as you say, that your dd has absolutely no clue about any stuff like that then there's nothing to worry about is there?

either sexual things might happen which is what you're worried about, or they won't. Having boys there/leaving at 9 is pretty irrelevant.

YA still BU

Stinkylinky · 28/01/2015 09:32

Surely all kids are aware of same sex relationships at 9?

Hakluyt · 28/01/2015 09:35

Not the "innocent" ones. People often think "innocent" and "ignorant" are the same thing.

Rebecca2014 · 28/01/2015 09:37

There does come a age where it is innaproiate and I think that's age 11.

Stinkylinky · 28/01/2015 09:37

Being aware of same sex relationships doesn't make kids any less "innocent"!!

Hakluyt · 28/01/2015 09:38

I agree. Read my post again!

Hoppinggreen · 28/01/2015 09:40

It will probably be ok but if you aren't comfortable with it collect your DD at 9 .
She's your daughter so it's your decision and you don't need to justify it to anyone at all. My DD is 10 and I would feel the same, it's probably not logical but there you go.
I do pity the poor boy if he's the only one - makeover ???!!!!

Hakluyt · 28/01/2015 09:48

You don't need to justify your decision to anyone else-but you do need to justify it to your dd. What are you going to say?

And we do need to examine our motivations and make sure that our own irrationalities don't impact badly on our children. Sometimes whe just have to let them do things we have irrational concerns about. We can't hold them back because of what we are.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 28/01/2015 09:49

God this is a depressing thread.

If you want your children to grow up thinking men and women are different species, that men and women really can't be 'just friends', that the opposite sex is just someone to have sex with then I suggest barring your DD from a sleepover because a 9 yo boy is on the premises is a good place to start.

Dropdeadfred2 · 28/01/2015 11:11

my 9 year old knows nothing about sex yet...plan to tell her this year

Hakluyt · 28/01/2015 11:49

"my 9 year old knows nothing about sex yet...plan to tell her this year"

Wow. HE and no access to the media or any other children, I presume?

Dropdeadfred2 · 28/01/2015 12:03

all her friends are very similar...to be honest she is described as mature and responsible at school but is also extremely unfair and innocent in other ways...Still believes in Santa and she's notes to the tooth fairy...sex education is next great year at her school.
I love how sweet and childlike she still is...I have two older ones and I know it doesn't last

Dropdeadfred2 · 28/01/2015 12:03

Not unfair..meant immature

fluffyraggies · 28/01/2015 12:05

I lost my virginity at just 14, and that was aeons ago in the prehistoric 1980s when kids were much less sexually aware than they are now. IMO.

However i would still be fine with my DD going to a mixed sleep over of 9 year olds.

If i was pushed to put an age limit on it i'd say ... er ... 12.

Hakluyt · 28/01/2015 12:06

Please tell me she at least knows about periods......

Dropdeadfred2 · 28/01/2015 12:13

no she doesn't...I do know I need to tell gee about them ...she shows no signs of being near puberty and is only 9...Still rare to stay that young...I am friends with alot of her friend's mum's and none of her friends have started and they don't all knew about them either

Dropdeadfred2 · 28/01/2015 12:13

do you consider that bad??

Dropdeadfred2 · 28/01/2015 12:14

stay that young I meant...I was 15...both other daughters were 13/14

Hakluyt · 28/01/2015 12:16

She could start tomorrow! Yes it's rare- but it happens. Why do you think it's a good idea to keep her ignorant? And I presume you must have at least deflected questions.........

Dropdeadfred2 · 28/01/2015 12:20

to be honest..It's not about her being ignorant...I think it's nice fit girls to have time to just be a child without worrying about grown up stuff. I aprreciate it's not impossible for her to start this young but as I said she's not looking anywhere near puberty...no signs at all. she has never asked questions about babies etc other than can you choose if it's a boy or a girl? I will be trekking her this year though as she will be learning stuff at school too...

Dropdeadfred2 · 28/01/2015 12:20

*telling not trekking..stupid phone

DialsMavis · 28/01/2015 12:29

This thread is so depressing.
I have a son and a daughter and they are so innocent at 9!

My son is 12 and has sleepovers with a female friend, he is still innocent, they are primary school friends. I would let him have mixed sleepovers with new high school friends but not just a boy/girl sleepover as he doesn't have deep friendship bonds with the girls he is meeting now, so things may be about to become less platonic.

A boy used to come on sleepovers at my house when I was a teenager, again platonic and innocent... We just used to terrorise him with tweezers and nail varnish. With other boys it wasn't so innocent, but them not being allowed to stay at my house didn't stop anything happening in the park!

Northumberlandlass · 28/01/2015 12:30

This is a depressing thread.
DS's best friend at 9 was a girl and she had a sleep over at our house - they slept in the same room, next to each other on the floor in sleeping bags.

My DS is 11 and I would be happy for him to go to a mixed sleep over now.
They are children & there is a huge difference emotionally/ physically from 11 to 14/15.

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