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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mixed sex sleepover - 9 year olds

137 replies

MrsGoslingWannabe · 27/01/2015 21:06

DD has been invited to a sleepover which I assumed would be girls only but have since discovered a boy is going to as well. Something makes me uncomfortable about this and I think I may have to cancel. AIBU?

OP posts:

TheIronGnome · 27/01/2015 22:55

What about the other girls? Some of them could be lesbians.... Maybe your dd.

Then what?

I went to a sleepover at about 15 with two boys who were friends. One of them has turned out to be gay but didn't know at the time. Nothing untoward ever happened.

YABU

Original poster

MrsGoslingWannabe · 27/01/2015 23:24

Thanks Gamora, that was really well put.

OP posts:

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 27/01/2015 23:31

Parents of children (8/9 years) as I grew up, made the mistake of ignorance and naivety. There was studying, comparison and touching and certain amount of discomfort (with the situation) too. Not sexual, only due to their innocence but the fact that it wasn't intended sexually, doesn't make it 'right'.

That may be so, but that would be the case whether it was a mixed or single sex sleepover.

mrsfuzzy · 27/01/2015 23:31

op, mrs g, what ever anyone says on here and yes,there have been some interesting views it i s totally your choice, if it worries you, then say sorry but no on the occasion. doesn't matter what other people think or say at the end of the day, do what's right for your family.

notquiteruralbliss · 27/01/2015 23:32

DDhad mixed sex sleepovers at 9 and is still doing so at 16.

mrsfuzzy · 27/01/2015 23:33

nope, not for me, notquite but that's my opinion, if iti works for you and yours that's great.

SoonToBeSix · 27/01/2015 23:36

Yabu they are young children.

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/01/2015 23:37

their 9

half of them. probably still wear pyjama pants and sleep with teddies.

why on earth do you think.will happen.

Why do you think. The presence of a boy is such a problem.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 27/01/2015 23:39

That may be so, but that would be the case whether it was a mixed or single sex sleepover.

It wasn't.

mrsfuzzy · 27/01/2015 23:40

don't know about anyone else but i was reffering to the mixed sleep over at 16, just does not sit well with me.

Snapespotions · 28/01/2015 00:02

Ok, serious question, did I just move in much more debauched circles that other people?

Possibly.

I was completely naive and innocent at 9, and even at 11. And so were all my friends. Of course, by the time we got to secondary school, there was some giggly talk about "fancying" boys, but nothing more than that at that stage. I wasn't aware of anything like that at primary school really.

My dd is 9 and it really saddens me that this is seen as an issue. I would happily let dd go. However, sleepovers are not compulsory, so if the OP feels uncomfortable with it for whatever reason, she should probably go with her gut instinct.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 28/01/2015 00:13

Gawd. My son is nearly 9, and he wouldn't want to go simply because he would miss me at bedtime and want a cuddle from his mum. Boys aren't the devil. How horrible.

Original poster

MrsGoslingWannabe · 28/01/2015 00:24

Thanks *mrsfuzz
snapespotions I think its very sad too but I'm just going on what I know of these children. Its not my fault they've been exposed to things my DD hasn't and are now overly curious. As for the suggestion from someone that my DD might be a lesbian, how ridiculous! She doesn't even know the meaning. Obviously trying to wind me up.

My gut feeling remains the same. I think some you are rather naive and complacent but that's your choice.

Thanks again Gamora.

OP posts:

KnackeredMerrily · 28/01/2015 06:00

What bothers me is it's clear to everyone that at some age mixed sleepovers become a problem. My issue is that parents are probably not the right people to judge when - it's quite common to presume your child is more innocent than they really are.

At what point is a mixed sleepover not ok? How do you decide it? What if you are 'too late'? Why allow mixed sleepovers for 3 years and then ban them?

It's my intention to ban my boys from mixed sleepovers. It will be much easier if it's always been the rule.

Hakluyt · 28/01/2015 06:05

So if your 6 year old son wants his 6 year old friend who happens to be a girl to spend the night you'd say no? How about Cub camp?

ZanyMobster · 28/01/2015 07:16

Why bother coming on AIBU if you are not interested in opinions different to yours. One or two posters have agreed with you over 4 pages.

I had mixed sleepovers my whole childhood, once I was over 14 we did experiment etc but not having see but absolutely not in junior school. I think it is naive to think that things would only happen on a sleepover, IME when they are asleep is the least problematic time!

ZanyMobster · 28/01/2015 07:24

Knackered what are they going to do at a sleepover that they are not going to do before they go to sleep.

My 14 yo friend was not allowed to sleepover where they were boys either in a group or on her own but she used to visit her 21 yo boyfriend till 9pm and have sex with him during the afternoon or evening. I really don't think it makes any difference.

Personally I would be more vigilant with children around 11-13 as I think that's the age they start finding out about lot more, I would definitely supervise sleepovers more at that age.

nooka · 28/01/2015 07:39

So OP, you are imagining that these nine year olds are sexually interested, but your dd couldn't possibly be a lesbian or even know what that means. Either nine year olds have some sexual feelings, in which case they could just as easily be homosexual as heterosexual or they don't. Also a nine year old surely should know what a lesbian is, and might well have an idea as to whether they are attracted to males or females.

Anyway it's all a bit sad. I have a boy and a girl and when they were at around about this sort of age one of dd's friends made a huge fuss about him not being allowed to share in their sleep over because he was a boy. He was very upset and I wondered what sort of message her parents were giving her. Of course we said he had to sleep in his room to avoid her being upset, but dd didn't ask her to sleep over again. Now they are teens dd's friends sleep over in her room (although she is bi-sexual so I guess there is nowhere completely risk free in our house).

vdbfamily · 28/01/2015 07:55

I think that probably the topic of conversation is likely to be more of an issue than what activities actually go on. My 8 year old daughter has been coming out with more and more stuff recently that her friends have been telling her at school,which apparantly they are told by older kids in school or older siblings at home. She came home horrified about the fact that she had been told that women suck mens willies. She said last night as I gave her a cuddle, 'just relax mummy,like you would when daddy plants his seeds in you' and when I asked what she meant she said her friends were talking about how the mummy just lies back and relaxes whilst the daddy does his business! This is a class of 7/8/9 year olds (years 3/4) We really have NO idea what our kids are picking up from their friends at school but I was hoping they would get past the age of 8 before I had to explain oral sex to them!!

PossumPoo · 28/01/2015 08:08

OP l wouldn't be comfortable with this a dd would not be going.

Dropdeadfred2 · 28/01/2015 08:13

my 9 yr old dd has one of her best friends,a boy, sleep over. they are children. innocent children. they play minecraft,Lego and climb trees in the garden.

Stinkylinky · 28/01/2015 08:21

I was a total tomboy as a child, as was my best friend. We quite often slept over at boys houses and vice versa. It was all very innocent, nothing for anyone to worry about

Gileswithachainsaw · 28/01/2015 09:10

Girls are as likely to explore any curiosity amongst eachother as they are with a boy present.

why is the boy the villain of the piece?

The are 9. Ffs it's monster high and and moshi monsters or whatever they are going to be into. just throw a movie and snacks at them.

They will just want to play

KnackeredMerrily · 28/01/2015 09:14

Hakylut - yes i would. Say they start at 6 and have a birthday sleepover every year just the two of them. At what age do you say "I think it's innapropriate now?"

KnackeredMerrily · 28/01/2015 09:18

ZanyMonster. If the only thong different about a sleepover is sleep - why have them? Come on now.

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