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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mixed sex sleepover - 9 year olds

137 replies

MrsGoslingWannabe · 27/01/2015 21:06

DD has been invited to a sleepover which I assumed would be girls only but have since discovered a boy is going to as well. Something makes me uncomfortable about this and I think I may have to cancel. AIBU?

OP posts:

Hulababy · 27/01/2015 21:42

At 9y it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Even if a couple of the 9yo dress a bit older - they are still only 9y which is really very young.

What do you honestly think might happen?
And why would it be more likely to happen after 9pm than before?

Now if they were secondary school age I'd be more unsure, but it would still be dependent on the actual situation.

LadyLuck10 · 27/01/2015 21:45

Well said gamora.

pullthecracker · 27/01/2015 21:46

What will happen after 9pm that won't happen before 9pm?

Ubik1 · 27/01/2015 21:48

I have sleepovers for boys and girls. Eldest is 10. She sometimes goes fir a sleepover at her male friends house.
Only thing she does is get changed into jammies in the toilet.

tumbletumble · 27/01/2015 21:49

I would be happy with my DC (of either sex) going to a mixed sleepover at age 9.

usualsuspect333 · 27/01/2015 21:49

I can't for the life of me think why this would be a problem.

usualsuspect333 · 27/01/2015 21:51

And yes you are being overly dramatic,gamora.

Viviennemary · 27/01/2015 21:51

No. Don't agree with mixed sex sleepovers. If they're too old for mixed sex changing rooms they're too old for mixed sex sleepovers.

usualsuspect333 · 27/01/2015 21:55

Shock horror, 9 year olds have friends of the opposite sex. Pass the smelling salts.

gamora · 27/01/2015 21:56

Presumably after 9pm they will be getting changed into sleepwear and they won't be supervised after the parents have gone to bed pullthecracker. There's a big difference between being at a party in your friend's house, in your normal clothes, with your friend's parents two rooms away in the kitchen, as opposed to being in your pjs with all your friends whispering at 2 in the morning feeling uncomfortable and knowing if you want to speak to an adult/go home you need to go wake someone up.

I don't think the OP is suggesting she thinks they're going to be doing drugs and having sex, nor do I understand the idea that the concern must be that the girls will tempt the boy into doing...what exactly? That is quite a horrific insinuation.

I also don't see why the girls wanting to act grown up is something that's meant to reflect badly on them - I did at that age: I think its fairly normal. But I don't see why so many posters don't realise that there's a chance, if not a big one, that mixed gender children at an age where they want to feel grown up left unsupervised in the middle of the night (relatively: I assume no parent will be in the room with them) might get into conversations or situations that not all of them were comfortable with. Not implying the kind of things that 15 year olds would do, but even if say the boy was asked by one of the girls to be her boyfriend and was confused and upset by it. Not such a big deal during the day, but potentially a lot more high drama in someone else's house in the middle of the night.

DamnBamboo · 27/01/2015 21:57

with your friend's parents two rooms away in the kitchen, as opposed to being in your pjs with all your friends whispering at 2 in the morning feeling uncomfortable and knowing if you want to speak to an adult/go home you need to go wake someone up

but what has this got to do with the gender of the attendees?

DamnBamboo · 27/01/2015 21:59

concern must be that the girls will tempt the boy into doing...what exactly? That is quite a horrific insinuation

If that's aimed at me, you clearly didn't read my first post!
The insinuation from the OP is that the problem is because a boy will be there. What exactly is the problem with that! A 9 year old boy.

gamora · 27/01/2015 22:00

Also: I totally agree there are situations this could be fine. But the OP knows these children and is asking if she is being unreasonable to go with her gut, and I'm just saying there are situations where that set-up could cause problems (I experienced them when I was a child many years ago so I can't imagine things have changed that much) and so if she feels it might then she may be right.

Also, I kind of think its strange there's only one boy and multiple girls: it seems like it has the potential to be a bit problematic for the boy.

finallydelurking · 27/01/2015 22:00

The issue isn't that anything's going to happen at a mixed sex sleepover with 9 year olds, it's that it's setting yourself up for problems when you decide mixed sex sleepovers are not OK. At some point mixed sleepovers are going to present a problem, at what age are you going to decide it's suddenly not OK?

DamnBamboo · 27/01/2015 22:02

Why would it never not be ok?
Depending on the level of supervision.
I slept over at my male friends house when I was a teenager and there were never any concerns at all.

Not all teenagers want to shag each other you know.

pepperrabbit · 27/01/2015 22:02

DS's best friend is a girl, have been since they were 4, they are now 10.
They go to sleepovers at each others houses often. Don't let them sleep in the same bed but they share a room - they mainly talk minecraft and eat haribo. I know my child and I know his friend. Her mum and I do discuss if/when we think it might be an issue.
I'm not sure about the changing room thing? At their junior school they all get changed in the classroom.
I think YABU, and i think it's a bit sad that we think this way, but you know your child.

pullthecracker · 27/01/2015 22:03

If they are going to have conversations that they may not all feel comfortable with, they don't need to have a boy there.most 9 year olds will wear onesies to sleep at sleepovers, so aren't going to be in any less clothing?

DamnBamboo · 27/01/2015 22:03

ever not be ok

Clueing4looks · 27/01/2015 22:05

I have a dd11 and a ds10 and they have friends sleepover almost every weekend, they all camp in the front room and watch Netflix and youtube all night

I see nothing wrong with mixed sex sleepovers at that age, they're more interested in what stampy bloody longnose is doing than playing spin the bottle.

Ludways · 27/01/2015 22:07

My dd is 9, she's just been invited to her third sleepover since Christmas, I'm happy to let her go even if there's a boy there. What do you think might happen?

Hakluyt · 27/01/2015 22:08

"The issue isn't that anything's going to happen at a mixed sex sleepover with 9 year olds, it's that it's setting yourself up for problems when you decide mixed sex sleepovers are not OK. At some point mixed sleepovers are going to present a problem, at what age are you going to decide it's suddenly not OK?-"

So does that mean you never have mixed sex sleepovers? Even when they are 5? And when they are teenagers, do you never allow girls and boys to crash in your living room after a party? That's really sad......

Ubik1 · 27/01/2015 22:08

Blimey

They are kids. They are nine!

DamnBamboo · 27/01/2015 22:10

STOP SEXUALISING CHILDREN!

Ubik1 · 27/01/2015 22:10

I hung about with boys all my teen years, clubbing and sleeping over in big groups. Snogging went on but really it was very chaste.

gamora · 27/01/2015 22:12

DamnBamboo, I was trying to say I think it was a leap to assume that was what the OP was insinuating: it is horrific, and saying you're worried a mixed gender sleepover of tweens could cause issue doesn't have to mean you're worried it will cause the kind of issue that many posters seem to suggest.

In my experience, at that age, there's an increased pressure not to go talk to parents, not to admit you're out of your depth. This can be even worse when there are members of the opposite sex there, if someone has a crush on someone, if someone wants to appear cool in front of someone. So yes: being uncomfortable in your pjs at 2am with boys present can be even more pressure. Its more pressure than a normal daytime party, and if - and its a big if - some of these girls have started looking at boys as potential boyfriends, that would be magnified.

And in lots of cases, it won't. In lots of cases, kids haven't started thinking of boys like that, or have friends who are boys they don't and won't ever think of like that. But I find it strange how many posters feel the need to suggest the OP is being outrageous to even consider the possibility this sleepover might lead to a situation she might not want her daughter in. Its most likely it won't. But if she knows the kids, and feels it might, then all I'm saying is I don't think that worry needs to be totally shot down.

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