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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask for bridesmaid dresses back

139 replies

TweedAddict · 25/01/2015 22:26

It's my wedding in August. I'm paying for the bridesmaids dresses, would it be ok ask for them back so I can sell them on? Is it ok too ask that, bridesmaids may be paying for own shoes depending on how much things cost but if I can cover it then I will- bridesmaids will be keeping shoes either way.

OP posts:
SilkStalkings · 27/01/2015 14:43

If budget is that tight and you need bridesmaids to pay for their own outfits, you should really let them choose their own. Or buy the lot 2nd hand from a bride who already had the OP's dilemma! I do think visibly trying to claw back £100 or so used dress value after a spend of £Xk rather devalues the effect you were trying to produce. I say spend or don't spend, nobody asked you to have bridesmaids, don't whinge about the cost.

bethholli · 27/01/2015 14:50

Am I being naïve to think your bridesmaids might be your friends? Or children of your friends? So explain what you were thinking, tell them if they love the dress and think they'd want to keep it, that they can; and if they love the dress (cos they won't want you to know that they don't) but probably won't have another chance to wear it - give it back so you can recoup some costs. I think weddings are only fraught with opportunities to upset people because we pussyfoot about upsetting people.

bethholli · 27/01/2015 14:50

gopping < ace word

Floggingmolly · 27/01/2015 14:51

Bridesmaid are supposed to pay for their own dresses, shoes, hair and makeup Shock Well, you didn't get that from Debretts...
Why do so many people believe that the bride is doing the bridesmaid a favour by allowing her to be a part of the big production; and she should jolly well pay for the privilege???

themincepiesareonme · 27/01/2015 14:51

When we got married quite young, we asked our bridesmaids if they wouldn't mind helping to pay a little towards their (not overly expensive) dresses, which they were keeping - and in the end they all paid half and bought their own shoes. We gave them a gift to say 'thank you' for being a part of our day.

I have never been a bridesmaid but I don't think its rude to ask TBH, as long as you make them aware that is what is happening before the day though and aren't chasing and harassing them afterwards Grin

birdofthenorth · 27/01/2015 15:30

I reckon if they are Monsoon/ Coast etc and could be worn again at a fancy do then don't ask for them back. If they are specifically bridesmaidy and they'd never be likely to re-wear then fine. I wouldn't ask for kids dresses back, DD still asks to try on one she wore 18 months ago that no longer fits but she loves playing weddings in it.

Shoes - agree with everyone else - if you're choosing them you pay if poss, if they're choosing them they pay.

Threeplus1 · 27/01/2015 15:41

I got married young and all the bridal party paid for their outfits - to be fair they were all family pretty much. The bridesmaids got to pick what they wanted within the colour scheme (and the dresses weren't overly bridesmaidy so could be worn again, plus we married 'off season' so they got great deals) and the groomsmen hired suits.

Hair and make up was done by my Aunty who owns a salon and we paid for sit down meal, buffet and table drinks.

I'm baffled why people think this is somehow unacceptable Confused
No one thought anything of it and were quite happy to pay.

To be honest though, if We were to do it over again, we'd just elope and do away with all these supposed expectations

rookiemere · 27/01/2015 16:17

YANBU.

I think it's an excellent idea, my cousin did it at her first wedding years ago and I remember thinking how sensible it was, because I had been BM for another friend and was left with a huge milkmaid monstrosity in the cupboard. It's not just a money saving tactic, it also means they aren't left looking after a dress they will never wear again.

Jojo2015 · 27/01/2015 17:03

I think it's a little odd as the dresses are kind of gifts. However, a compromise might be to suggest to your bridesmaids that - if they all agree - you could sell them as a group and split the money (you would do the organising/admin bit). The dresses are only interesting to sell as a kind of "job lot", I suppose, and often bridesmaids just hang them in their wardrobes and never wear them again, so they might actually be up for the idea. Your bridesmaids are your closest friends, usually, so as long as you suggest rather than impose the idea, it could actually be welcomed.

diddl · 27/01/2015 17:18

Can't see a problem with it tbh.

If they could be worn again & the bmaids want to keep them then they can pay something for them!

Writerwannabe83 · 27/01/2015 17:27

I don't think there's anything wrong at all with asking for them back.

I have been bridesmaid twice and would have no problems returning the dress to the bride so she can sell it on and try and get some of her money back.

LoadsaBlusher · 27/01/2015 17:54

I've been bridesmaid twice in recent years.
The first time we all gave our dresses back , the bride asked as she wanted to sell them on together.
I would never have worn that type of dress again so it was ideal as meant no dress cluttering up cupboard space.
Dress no.2 is still hanging in my cupboard. I would never wear it again, far too blingy and bridesmaidy ! Should really give it to local charity shop.
Both times my shoes were hideous to the max , again totally blinged up and so uncomfortable.
The brides picked and paid for these each time so no choice.
I think it's fine to ask for dresses back.

rachelshort10 · 27/01/2015 18:17

I think if ur up front with ur bridesmaids and say u wanted them back due to trying to save money etc, if they were any sort of friend they would understand. So what if it's not the 'done' thing. It's ur wedding, ur pocket and hard earned money. If they're upset about it, should they be your bridesmaid in the first place? Friends should understand one another and should mutually respect each other and support them in my opinion xx

Leontine · 27/01/2015 18:26

I'm on the side that thinks it's a little odd. In my mind, if you want to have bridesmaids then you should have to pay for them. It's your wedding after all.

winniestone37 · 27/01/2015 18:52

Do what you want and ignore everyone on here, sound it out with your bridesmaids, you all know know eachother, we don't.

winniestone37 · 27/01/2015 18:53

You don't pay bridesmaids! They wear the dress, then give it back not entirely sure why anyone would feel they were owed a dress.

LadyLuck10 · 27/01/2015 18:55

It's odd but I don't think exactly wrong to ask for it back. I would gladly return it but I will make it clear that if I spill/spoil the dress then I will not be replacing it. I think if you do ask for it back tell your bridesmaids the same, you don't want them feeling under pressure and being miserable trying not to mess up the dress.

Floggingmolly · 27/01/2015 18:56

They're not "owed" a dress at all. But given that they're part of the chosen backdrop to the bride's day; if she wants them she pays. Why the hell should the bridesmaid; when she's essentially doing the bride a favour?

PuppyMonkey · 27/01/2015 18:58

I also think it's fine and not at all odd. Far odder to insist your bridesmaid keeps a big frilly pink number forever in the wardrobe as a "gift." Grin

borisgudanov · 27/01/2015 19:00

Depends whether you like being lampooned with limericks for being the latest Bridezilla.

Postchildrenpregranny · 27/01/2015 19:05

I gave my bridesmaid dress back to the bride, my best friend, who chose it without me (well her Mother did .Ditto her dress. Another story) It looked Ok on me (petite ,very small waist then) but didn't really suit the other girl .Was a colour I'd never have chosen pastel blue and pink with a ruffle collar . Bride used to go to 'do's with new husband so I think she wore it again I think I bought and kept the shoes.
Cant remember what happened other two times My mum made one so I think I kept it

Postchildrenpregranny · 27/01/2015 19:26

Said best friend was my maid of honour six years later . I never saw the dress til morning of my wedding. She bought a bolt of silk in Hong Kong (OKd colour and pattern with me) and had it made up by a dressmaker, which she also paid for-she was still going to 'do's with the DH and she kept it and wore it again several times . It was lovely-much nicer than the one I wore for her wedding TBH

Vycount · 27/01/2015 19:30

Bridesmaid dresses are hardly ever any use for anything but weddings, I'd have thought most bridesmaids would have been happy to give them back as you paid for them.

stardusty5 · 27/01/2015 19:44

It's threads like this one which really make me worry about my wedding. The split of opinion about what is completely un/reasonable is cavernous. Whatever you do, you are apparently going to have someone sneering behind your back according to Mumsnet.

CharityD · 27/01/2015 19:54

Can't see anything wrong with asking for them back, and selling them on.
I doubt that they will be worn again by the bridesmaids, so I think it is far better to sell them.
YANBU.