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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask for bridesmaid dresses back

139 replies

TweedAddict · 25/01/2015 22:26

It's my wedding in August. I'm paying for the bridesmaids dresses, would it be ok ask for them back so I can sell them on? Is it ok too ask that, bridesmaids may be paying for own shoes depending on how much things cost but if I can cover it then I will- bridesmaids will be keeping shoes either way.

OP posts:
AlmaMartyr · 25/01/2015 23:55

I wouldn't mind this at all. My bridesmaids bought their own shoes but I let them wear whatever they wanted. One bought a pair of sparkly flip flops and the other wore some she already had - I don't think anyone minded. DM made the dresses so they kept those but don't suppose they got worn again.

FightOrFlight · 26/01/2015 00:27

I got to keep my hot pink, made to measure, fishtail, strapless, Hollywood glam style bridesmaid dress. It was beautiful but I never wore it again (bit of a tomboy at heart). I offered it back to the bride but she insisted that I kept it - shame really as it it was such a waste Sad

I'd kill for it now, it was exquisite. Not that I have anywhere appropriate to wear it but I could slink around the house on my day off feeling like Marilyn in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes < sigh >

I can't imagine that many people wear a bridesmaids dress after the event unless the dress is quite a conservative style. Most of the bridesmaids dresses I've seen at weddings are ones that most people wouldn't even want to wear once unless under duress, let alone twice.

Bogeyface · 26/01/2015 00:49

I wouldnt mind, and I can see why your bride is thinking of this, but.....

So many brides talk about selling stuff on afterwards and dresses fetch the least. Decorations/fairy lights/specialist bits and bobs always sell. But dresses really dont because no bride is going to risk buying a dress she hasnt tried on. If you are lucky then you are selling a particular dress that a bride wants, in the right size, and then you will get peanuts as there will probably only be one bride who wants it! Same with the bridesmaid dresses.

I would advise her that yes, she can do this with the dresses, but she shouldnt bank on getting her money back, if she is lucky she might get a quarter of what she paid.

PrimalLass · 26/01/2015 07:36

I tried to give mine back to the bride. They were about £350 each and it has hung in a bag ever since. I thought she could sell them both (other BM was fine with this too) and get something for her DD. She didn't want them though. I might try and sell it, or have another look to see if it could be adjusted into something less bridesmaidey.

londonrach · 26/01/2015 07:42

I paid for my bridemaids dress and didnt for one moment think i could ask for it back. Its hers. Also gave her a watch and necklace to thank her. Yabu

claraschu · 26/01/2015 07:43

You could always phrase it as: keep the dress if you want it, but if you are never going to wear it again and don't want it cluttering up your cupboard, I will try to sell it on.

EBearhug · 26/01/2015 07:49

I wore my bridesmaid dress quite a few times after the wedding it was for, but the bride and I did share some views on the extravagance of dresses which could only be worn once, so the choice of style/colour was made with reuse in mind. It did me for a Christmas do at work, my cousin's wedding and a couple of other things - it didn't look particularly bridesmaidy without the flower headband and other bits that were in the colour theme of the wedding. But we both knew what the deal was up-front, so there wasn't a problem with mismatched expectations.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 26/01/2015 07:54

It would be better to hire them. I've never been asked for a bridesmaid dress back and if I did I'd likelu ditch the dress once the photos are done in case anything got spilled on it.

You should buy their shoes though. No bridesmaid should be out of pocket for taking part in a wedding. Dress/shoes/accessories/hair etc should all be seen as a weddinh expense.

dreamcometrue · 26/01/2015 07:56

I asked my bridesmaids to pay for their's (they were £20 each) one said she couldn't afford it which was fine so I paid for them instead. She then put it on eBay and kept the money for herself! (We'd bought them jewellery as a present)
If you're not buying it I don't think there should be an issue with you keeping it as it's not yours. If you want to keep it then pay for it.

molyholy · 26/01/2015 08:00

Yadnbu. As a pp said, they are just going to be hanging in wardrobes gathering dust. It is sensible to stick them on ebay. I am not the sentimental type over material things. I sold my wedding dress on ebay. I would definitely not be offended by you asking for dresses back to sell on ebay

PtolemysNeedle · 26/01/2015 08:05

I think it's fine to ask for the dresses back, but not if you are going to ask them to pay for shoes. And you should get them a nice gift, one that they will like and use that is special for them, not the sort of gift that is a memory of someone else's wedding.

Jewels234 · 26/01/2015 08:06

YANBU at all. I'm buying my bridesmaids dresses...I have made sure that they will love wearing them on the day, and as a result they are insanely expensive. I will be asking for them back to sell on, they are not a gift to them.

kaykayred · 26/01/2015 08:07

I don't know - I think if you have chose and bought the dress, then it isn't necessarily a "gift", it's something you have bought to make their lives easier. I always thought the brides buying the dresses was more to avoid their friends having to be out of pocket for doing them a favour (like they do in the Good Ol' USA).

So no, I wouldn't consider it odd if you had asked them to wear something specific, bought it, and then asked for it back. It's not commonplace, but it's not exactly the craziest idea ever. Especially if it's a very bridesmaid type dress (eg. tafetta).

You'd best have got them some other type of thank you gift though.

Of course, if you had asked the bridesmaids to buy their own dresses, then they would probably be justified in telling you to do one.

kaykayred · 26/01/2015 08:09

PS, I don't think it's at all unreasonable to ask bridesmaids to provide their own shoes PROVIDING:

  • You don't specify exactly which shoes you want them to wear (e.g. basically forcing them to buy something at a fixed price)
  • You give them a heel height and colour and then leave it to them to either wear something they already have, or buy something they like (for £5 or £500 at their own choice)
Trills · 26/01/2015 08:09

If they are close enough to you to be your bridesmaids they will understand money is tight.

Agree with this.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/01/2015 08:27

I think it would be nice to say that if they're in a saleable condition and unlikely to be worn again, you'd have the dresses back to ebay. I wouldn't be offended by that.

comedycentral · 26/01/2015 08:33

I think it's ok if they are really bridesmaid type dresses that they are unlikely to wear again as it's a waste otherwise and we waste so much in this world. Let someone else benefit from the dresses.

comedycentral · 26/01/2015 08:35

P.S I like buying my own bridesmaid shoes. They say colour and I pick what fits and suits me well.

bubalou · 26/01/2015 09:08

I think it's ok if you are paying for shoes.

If not then no. Smile

Some brides make them pay for both though so don't feel bad.

OwlinaTree · 26/01/2015 10:57

I've been a bridesmaid twice. 1st time dresses were hired so went back. 2nd time bride bought them and had them back to sell. Was fine with me, but I think she ended up giving them to a charity shop as it was difficult to sell them on as they'd been altered and what are the chances of someone having the exact same number of bridesmaids in the same size?!

Didn't bother me tho. I bought shoes for the second one but 1st one bought the shoes. Put trainers on under the dresses both times after the ceremony anyway. Did the same on my wedding day!!

Penguinotterfoxbadger · 26/01/2015 11:18

If they are good friends and they know you are not rolling in money then I think they will understand.

Weddings cost a ridiculous amount of money. Most bridesmaid dresses will never be worn again anyway. You might as well sell them on. Recycling is better for the environment too!

TedAndLola · 26/01/2015 11:35

If you'd paid for the whole outfit I think it would be okay. Since you're expecting them to fork out for shoes for the honour of being in your wedding, I think it'd look even cheaper to ask for the dresses back.

MrsDermotOLeary · 26/01/2015 11:38

I'd be fine with this. They're not likely to wear them again are they? I think it would be a nice gesture if you used some of the proceeds to take your bridesmaids out for dinner once the dresses have sold.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 26/01/2015 12:12

Tacky to ask for them back, fine for BMsto sell them themselves.

Double standards, moi?? :-0

MindReader · 26/01/2015 12:23

I had two family flower girls at my wedding.

I paid for the dresses and jackets they wore.
They bought their shoes, so they could fit them (they were 500m away)/ use again.
I would have paid but they insisted.

After the wedding I asked if I could have the dresses back once they had grown out of them / stopped playing dress up in them. I wanted a reminder of the fabric etc and thought if I ever had a little girl she might want to wear them. (all a bit bridezilla now, but it seemed important at the time. I kept my dress too and my dd has dressed up in my tiara etc since).

My SIL gave her dd's dress 'to charity'. And the fancy waistcoats that both her sons wore as paigeboys. When I expressed my disappointment she said: 'well, I paid for them'. Er, no you didn't, and even so, you could have asked me if I wanted them before you binned them.