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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask for bridesmaid dresses back

139 replies

TweedAddict · 25/01/2015 22:26

It's my wedding in August. I'm paying for the bridesmaids dresses, would it be ok ask for them back so I can sell them on? Is it ok too ask that, bridesmaids may be paying for own shoes depending on how much things cost but if I can cover it then I will- bridesmaids will be keeping shoes either way.

OP posts:
Rosieliveson · 25/01/2015 22:45

Just a thought but if they aren't bought yet could you discuss your idea to sell them when you're discussing styles etc with the BMs?

NiceCupOfTeaAndALittleSitDown · 25/01/2015 22:45

I think it's fine. If they are close enough to you to be your bridesmaids they will understand money is tight. Although you could start your question by saying, "I don't mind if you want to keep it but..." and explain why you want them back.

wheresthelight · 25/01/2015 22:45

I think it would be fine - assuming you are having good friends/family. Just prep them in advance that this is the plan.

Some people have some very odd ideas about weddings

RiverTam · 25/01/2015 22:46

no, of course you shouldn't, especially if you are dictating style and colour. If you can't afford to allow them to keep the dresses then don't have bridesmaids.

nocabbageinmyeye · 25/01/2015 22:46

Would you consider renting them, might be cheaper and it would avoid this problem. I actually think that once it was said in advance it's ok. My bm gave me back hers, it's in a ball at the top of my wardrobe now instead of hers, I was hers and offered mine but but her other bm's did actually wear theirs again, but there was no offence taken to being given/offering either dresses back.

DancingDinosaur · 25/01/2015 22:46

I wouldn't be bothered about you asking for it back. As long as they don't have to be extra careful wearing it. My bridesmaids dress had red wine spilt down the front of it. (Not by me, I don't drink red wine).

DancingDays · 25/01/2015 22:47

I have my dress from being a bridesmaid. If the Bride had even hinted at wanting the dress back, I would have given it like a shot.

If asked before the wedding I would have been nervous about spillages etc. I loved the dress so would have begrudge it. A week or so after the event and the novelty had warn off, it's just taking up wardrobe space.

Ask after the wedding, they may be relieved to have it gone.

ILovePud · 25/01/2015 22:48

TweedAddict you know your bridesmaids well, I'm assuming. How many are you having and how do you think they'll react to this idea?

JoyceDivision · 25/01/2015 22:49

no. especially if they are buying shoes that have to match the dress, they get to keep shoes that they might not have wanted but had to buy to match your dress you then want back?

why not rent the dresses if its a cost issue, or cut the bridesmaid number, or say they can buy the dresses and let them all go shopping with you and decide?

we got ours from thecoast outlet, about £40 for a full length chiffon stapless dress

oohnewshoes · 25/01/2015 22:49

Should the bridesmaids not offer them back anyway? If your paying they are yours.

I have been bridesmaid a few times. I've bought my own and I would be offended if the bride asked for it. I've also bought my own instead of a wedding present. I consider that dress hers.

At another wedding the bride bought them do they were hers. I had mine cleaned before I gave it back.

ChippingInLatteLover · 25/01/2015 22:51

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. I think it's sensible, better than it just hanging in the wardrobe gathering dust.

Misspickle1 · 25/01/2015 22:53

Why would anyone worry about giving them back? Its not like they are ever going to wear them again! Might as well sell them on as a job lot for others to use and alter.

ChippingInLatteLover · 25/01/2015 22:54

I think it's a good point to wait until after though, so they don't spend the evening worrying about them.

CookieMonster101 · 25/01/2015 22:54

I was planning on buying my bridesmaid dresses and letting them keep them but I didn't think I'd have to buy shoes. I couldn't care less what shoes they wear and whether they match each other so could they just wear a pair they have? Or is that rude? It just never occurred to me. Probably because I'm so picky with shies I'd probably lying never agree with anyone else.

PtraciDjelibeybi · 25/01/2015 22:57

I think if you wait until after the wedding and then just say that if they want to get rid of them could they pass the dresses back to you, that would be fine. As pp have said, best not said before.

As to the shoes, I would think that would depend on your relationship with the bridesmaids...

Original poster
TweedAddict · 25/01/2015 23:00

I am the bridesmaid at this wedding, thought I would do it the other way around as planning my own wedding at the same time. I would properly be the only one to wear the dress again as I go to a few balls every year.

For my own wedding we are going down the relaxed garden party route so we are going to get something from the high street £100 for each dress. Which means we are buy the girls a small unique gift for each of them instead of the standard tat jewellery.

Good to see the difference in opinions though thank you

OP posts:
CrapBag · 25/01/2015 23:03

Do you mean you are actually the bridesmaid now and the bride is asking for them back because she is paying?

Original poster
TweedAddict · 25/01/2015 23:04

I think the bride has taken something which I said the wrong way, I'm buying and making things for my wedding, with the view to selling them on afterwards.

For example jugs for flowers, I can hire them at £5 each or buy them (the exact same ones-and after a bit of Internet searching) to buy for £5. So buy then sell afterwards etc.

I think she's got the idea from there and her mum said the thing about its the same as hiring them

OP posts:
ILovePud · 25/01/2015 23:05

I'm confused do you mean this is a reverse?

emmelinelucas · 25/01/2015 23:07

Yes - another reverse AIBU

Nanny0gg · 25/01/2015 23:08

Don't the dresses have to be altered? In which case selling them on would be hard.

And what if they have something spilled or grubby hems?

I think it's an unusual request to be honest.

Original poster
TweedAddict · 25/01/2015 23:09

Crapbag- yes. I've no issue giving it back, what she is looking at isn't my thing. Although if was then out the other girls I would be the most likely to re use. It's something I just haven't heard of before and I was wondering about the equitte.

My last bridesmaid dress went back to the brides daughter and she used for her school prom.

OP posts:
MrsMook · 25/01/2015 23:10

Buying your own shoes is sensible for comfort. Just set a colour and let them provide something that they'll be comfortable in for the day. We've agreed silver at a couple of weddings as we have something suitable already or can get a good chance of re-wear. If you're not a bog standard shoe size, a corporate shoe choice can easily be misery.

I've re-worn a bridesmaid dress. It was chosen with good potential for future use. Just talk to them and ask. Depending on the design, it may be wearable, they may want it for sentiment, or they may be happy to return it for sale. Buying it doesn't give a right to claim it as it's usually assumed to be a gift as part of the bridesmaid package, but asking is reasonable.

OVienna · 25/01/2015 23:22

I sympathise totally but I think it's more likely than not they'd have to be altered to fit. Also, spillage/ damage to consider. By the time you'd dried cleaned them all I wonder how much you'd get back selling them, if it would be worth it. How much are the dresses?

Purplepoodle · 25/01/2015 23:43

I did and one bridesmaid had a bit if a strop but we were in a shoe string and had to take out a loan so I ebayed loads of bits after wedding inc my shoes, veil ect