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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask for bridesmaid dresses back

139 replies

TweedAddict · 25/01/2015 22:26

It's my wedding in August. I'm paying for the bridesmaids dresses, would it be ok ask for them back so I can sell them on? Is it ok too ask that, bridesmaids may be paying for own shoes depending on how much things cost but if I can cover it then I will- bridesmaids will be keeping shoes either way.

OP posts:
MindReader · 26/01/2015 12:29

I did buy them a nice jewellery set to say 'thank you' btw, in case it sounds like I was mean. I hope I wasn't?

Floggingmolly · 26/01/2015 12:31

No, it's not ok. Don't go for style over substance; making a big showy splash you can't actually afford. Have as many bridesmaids as you can afford to buy a dress and shoes for.

chipsandpeas · 26/01/2015 12:35

as long as i know in advance then i wouldnt have a problem handing it back
and id rather buy my own shoes so i hadthe choice of what type i wanted

DeliciousIrony · 26/01/2015 12:48

I think it's fine to ask for the dresses back if you're paying, unless they are the sort of dresses that you think people would genuinely want to wear again.

But, I would expect that the bride is also prepared to pay for dry cleaning etc without a fuss if she intends to sell them on - so if I were a bridesmaid, obviously I'd try to keep myself neat and tidy all day, but I wouldn't expect to be told off I did accidentally spill something on it.

OTheHugeManatee · 26/01/2015 13:24

I would think this vulgar niggardly in the extreme.

But I believe in having the wedding you can afford.

windchime · 26/01/2015 13:31

YANBU

Aridane · 26/01/2015 16:15

I think it's fine so long as you explain that the dresses are effectively being 'hired' / 'loaned' for the occasion

Original poster
TweedAddict · 27/01/2015 09:53

All this being about money- I don't think its that. It's more the case of them never being worn again to be honest. The bride can easily afford things, although they do have a budget it's not the fact she can't afford it she just doesn't want to spend over 20k on the day.

Saw her last night and she is now buying shoes, we are going shopping and are choosing ones we each like and fit, but we to keep them. Just the dresses she wants to keep.

OP posts:
MamaLazarou · 27/01/2015 09:56

YANBU. It's not the sort of thing you wear more than once. Imagine turning up to a party in your bridesmaid dress! Grin

Vycount · 27/01/2015 09:59

Before anyone jumps - Oxford English Dictionary - Niggard is a stingy person, a miser... Grin

Mintyy · 27/01/2015 10:10

Shock patronising much Vycount?

DeliciousIrony · 27/01/2015 11:06

Why is it vulgar? Surely the main thing with wedding/bridesmaid ettiquette is to make sure you're not putting anybody out, financially or otherwise. Letting bridesmaids know that you would like the dresses back afterwards isn't putting anybody out.
I wonder how many bridesmaid dresses are left unworn, taking up space afterwards (or sold on ebay on the sly). Unless they express a real desire to keep it, who cares?

caztaylor2011 · 27/01/2015 12:42

If you let them know from the start then i think its ok, They probably would not wear them again anyway!

Wordsmith · 27/01/2015 12:49

It depends on the bridesmaids and the dresses. If little girls with beautiful princess dresses - they'll love them and want to dress up in them all the time. If adult bridesmaids with lovely evening type gowns, they'll be able to use them again. So I wouldn't expect to get them back, unless they offered. And I wouldn't factor in their resale into the wedding budget either.

Mij · 27/01/2015 12:50

YANBU with proviso as others have said, that it's understood who's paying for what, and who gets to keep what, from the outset. Think it probably also depends on the dress - much less U if it's very obviously a bridesmaid dress. Many moons ago, in my only bridesmaid experience, I had to pay for my dress on the basis that we'd all be able to wear them again. It's something I detested wearing on the day and would never be caught dead in afterwards. It was before eBay so I think it got passed on. I'd have gladly have given it back. I was no seamstress so I had to pay to get it made. The bride thought we could all make our own but it was way beyond my dressmaking skills.

Buffy81 · 27/01/2015 12:55

I asked my bridemaids to buy there own dreses as that way they could do what they liked with them afterwards and they were both fine with that I know that one of them had defo sold hers and it didnt bother me as they were not made to measure so no alterations were needed. My mum took them shopping and they got a bargin on them as they were old prom dresses. marked up at half price, get to the till and they ended up being on a bogof offer!! I brought all the shoes and we all found the same pair comfy so we all matched in the footwear department lol

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 27/01/2015 12:59

YANBU.

I have three BM dressed hanging in my cupboard. I didn't choose them, or pay for them. I have no desire to ever wear them again: they all fit nicely and are quite flattering, but they are clearly BM dresses!

When I got married, my sisters chose their BM dresses from Coast (I paid for them). My sister then wore hers to get married in two year's later! I thought that was lovely.

CallieG · 27/01/2015 13:10

Yes it is OK for you to ask for them back. Bridesmaids are supposed to pay for their own dresses,shoes, hair & makeup.
They are supposed to be given a simple gift of perhaps pearl or crystal earrings that they wear for the wedding and then have as a keepsake.

If they want to keep it then they have to pay for their own dress, simple. They should ALWAYS Pay for their own shoes.
Have you considered hiring the Bridesmaids dresses? They can pay the hire fee and the security deposit, when they return the dress they wore in good condition then they woud get their security deposit back, making them responsible for payment of and returning their own dress makes sure you do not get hit with any damage/late fees.

Superdooperal · 27/01/2015 13:26

I think it's wrong to ask for them back. If you can't afford it - go for a cheaper option. Or hire them

SilkStalkings · 27/01/2015 13:30

You can't expect bridesmaids to pay for their own gear! Shock So many weddings become a v expensive chore to attend what with accommodation, gifts, often childcare plus hen/stag nights. This is doubled if you are in the bridal party - be careful that the honour you are bestowing does not become an imposition! It's all about the image YOU want and YOUR self-expression - good natured compliance does not come free.

xristina66 · 27/01/2015 13:38

Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable asking for the dresses back, I think it's quite mean. If you can't afford too many bridesmaids then stick to maybe two or three.

FeliciousM · 27/01/2015 13:57

If you have bridesmaids like the KatieHopkins-esque ''YABU'' brigade on here then pick new bridesmaids who understand.... Have you thought about hiring dresses? Or asking them to buy their own....maybe going 50/50...You wont get much back on second hand dresses and you could hire really nice ones for cheaper....

Vickisuli · 27/01/2015 13:57

my bridesmaids were two little girls, we bought their dresses and shoes and they kept them for party dresses. My one adult bridesmaid chose and bought her own dress and shoes in keeping with the colour scheme, so obviously she kept them.

WellDidYa · 27/01/2015 14:10

So long as you are upfront at the start(and the bride is paying) , its fine.

MouseInTheSkirting · 27/01/2015 14:15

Bridesmaid dresses are so bridesmaidy I can't see why anyone would want to keep them. I had a gopping turquoise one that my friend got for me. I would have happily given it back.