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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have another rant about friend's wedding

507 replies

cathyscarlett · 25/01/2015 16:19

I posted on here recently about my friend who's getting married in November. I'm a bridesmaid, and the cost is already tipping £1,500 for each of us. She is one of my oldest friends, and she is a really lovely person, but she has become utterly self absorbed and obsessed with her wedding (which she has been planning for the past few years).

I have just received a text from another bridesmaid asking each of the six of us for £45 in order to make a 'bride goody bag' for the night before the wedding, including personalised pyjamas, make up, champagne etc. She has stated that the bride asked her to do this. It's not the cost I mind, I was planning to take champagne for the night before anyway, it's being asked to spend yet more of my money on her wedding.

AIBU to think my friend has a bloody cheek to keep continuously asking us all for more money?

OP posts:
Starlightbright1 · 25/01/2015 20:00

Another Cancel the room...I would far rather sleep at home than in a hotel esp for £200.

My worry with the whole of this post is it is still 10 months away. I also would not spend that on the shoes and refuse esp if they are something you can never wear again.

rookiemere · 25/01/2015 20:01

I hate these threads. There was one along similar lines last week, OP there ended up shrugging her shoulders and sighing deeply, I suspect this will end the same.

OP you've had some great suggestions on texts, I would go with one of those - if nothing else your other kindred spirit bridesmaid will thank you. Or you could text and say that you have heard of thank you presents to bridesmaids in recognition of their time, effort and cost, but you have never heard of a bridal goodie bag - would this be instead of the wedding present ?

Then I'd have a look at your list and take everything out that you don't have to do - so hotel room, hair, make-up and nails can all definitely go - if the B2B is so keen that you are up to scratch on the big day she can pay for it yourself.

I've been a BM twice, but it was a long time ago and I remember being faintly outraged that I was expected to pay for my shoes .

Whatisaweekend · 25/01/2015 20:01

Good grief! How much have you actually shelled out already ie how much has actually left your bank account?

I would really be sending an email saying "I love you and I wish you all the best but I simply cannot afford this. Costs are going to top £1,500 by the end and this is simply not viable for me. Good luck on your special day but I am afraid you are going to have to count me out".

Original poster
cathyscarlett · 25/01/2015 20:04

Worse thing about the shoes is that they're high heels. I've never worn heels in years. If no one I know wants to take them off my hands they're going on Ebay ASAP.

OP posts:
Whocansay · 25/01/2015 20:05

OP, what are you doing? Why are you spending all this cash for someone who is demonstratively not a friend? Back out now. This nonsense will continue until the wedding and I imagine the requests for cash will keep coming.

Just stop.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 25/01/2015 20:07

The sex thing is not right. Even couples with very low sex drives do it occasionally.

Original poster
cathyscarlett · 25/01/2015 20:07

Whatisaweekend the only things left that I haven't paid for is the spending money for the hen do and wedding day, hotel room and wedding present.

OP posts:
Original poster
cathyscarlett · 25/01/2015 20:08

I think it's a bit of a red flag too, NoArmani, but she'll be walking down the aisle come Hell or high water.

OP posts:
FleurDuMal123 · 25/01/2015 20:10

YANBU. She's lost the plot. It's sad, as the actually marriage can only be an anti-climax after thev'event'.

Esmum07 · 25/01/2015 20:11

What is all this grab, grab, grab business nowadays?

When I was first married (to exH) in the 80s you just had a church or registry office wedding, reception in a church hall or a hotel if you were very lucky and grand! By the time I married again to DH ten years ago you could marry in licenced places and everything became so packaged. Now it's getting a case of me, me, me every time there's a wedding!

And don't even talk to me about baby sodding showers. I have never been to one (been invited to six and have always said I was busy - I will buy something for baby and mum when baby arrives, not before the bloody day, not from a list and not chip in for something for mum from yet another list!) So money grabbing and so blatant it makes your eyes hurt! You get pregnant, you have baby, you get a card (if you're lucky) and maybe a couple of baby-gros. That's it.

My mum and the generation before her's were WW2 and 50s/60s brides. They married on not a lot - many still on rationing. My mum spent her pre wedding evening setting her hair. She didn't even have a glass of champagne on her wedding day - a cheap wine was the best they could do. Her bridesmaids turned up the next day, helped her dress and had a lovely day. My Auntie married her man two days before he went off to war. She wore her best suit - no time or money to get a dress - but she wanted to be his wife and he her husband. Love was the driving force, not something shoved into the background whilst the bride (and it is unfortunately usually the bride) does a big wave and shouts "I'm over here yoo hoo" on her wedding day.

Some brides take the "it's the bride's day" to mean exactly that. Well, I have news for them. It's not, it's the start of a partnership.

Get yourself a new friend, tell the old one you can no longer afford her and book yourself a lovely two week holiday somewhere hot in November! She doesn't deserve you.

I will now go off to moan at DH that the world has, truly, gone mad...

Good luck OP!

Lweji · 25/01/2015 20:11

but she'll be walking down the aisle come Hell or high water.

Or the groom doesn't show up?

Only1scoop · 25/01/2015 20:12

I've been to some extremely elegant weddings....in some of the most expensive venues you can book. I've never paid 200 for a hotel room as part of the party....certainly not for a single occupancy room. Perhaps they are proffing out of that aswell.

Why isn't she buying the bridesmugs outfits anyhow?

Lweji · 25/01/2015 20:12

I can't remember what I did the night before my wedding. And no, I wasn't drunk. It just wasn't a big deal.

TendonQueen · 25/01/2015 20:13

Other guests, believe it or not, will gladly take up the hotel room. I'd ring the hotel and say you are looking to release your room and do they have other wedding guests on a waiting list? If not then ask around among the other lucky invitees and you'll find a couple who will take it off your hands. Then you have genuinely done someone a favour (and it can be presented to bride as such Wink) and can get yourself in a taxi home. If you end up going, that is..

Nerf · 25/01/2015 20:13

Actually much as everyone is agreeing and validating how bad you say she is, you've agreed to everything, booked a room, let her assume you can afford it and are happy to, so I think you have to speak up on this and stick to it.
Lots of people now pay for their own dresses etc and spend loads on their friends day - some people love getting glammed up and celebrating something. And it sounds like she's done a kind of girly sleepover kit for all of you, and has suggested it to the others. If you don't/ can't join in then bow out gracefully. At the moment you are being asked and agreeing.

Only1scoop · 25/01/2015 20:14

Agree Nerf

Agreeing hence enabling

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 25/01/2015 20:14

YANBU.What is she a Princess or something. Cheeky entitled bitch.!

BlameItOnTheBogey · 25/01/2015 20:17

OP I am really really sorry for you - this sounds shit.

But I am also so delighted that you told us all about marryokes. I've just watched them on youtube and haven't laughed so hard in years. What is with people? It's not just recording something like that, it's also putting it on the internet for all to see. WHY?

JenniferGovernment · 25/01/2015 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/01/2015 20:23

OP the moment she asked to buy your own dress and shoes,would be the time I would have pulled out, you just don't do that. If you choose somebody to be a BM, you supply them with the dress and shoes. This brides request of a goody bag, is she off her trolley, she must love herself so much. I could never have asked any thing like that off my bridesmaids, if they did it off their own bat its lovely, but expecting. self absorbed or what! I would pull out of the whole thing tbh.

McPie · 25/01/2015 20:23

This thread will be you come the new year! Nip it in the bud now as I doubt this will be the last of the demands. Can you really handle another 9 full months of this? Every time your phone beeps or you get an email you will think "what have they dreamed up now to skin me financially?".

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 25/01/2015 20:25

Y.Y Aero.

Tinkerball · 25/01/2015 20:26

The cheek of some people will never cease to amaze me when I read these type of threads, who really puts all this crap over friendships.

Original poster
cathyscarlett · 25/01/2015 20:28

Right, I'm cancelling the hotel room and the various days of holidays she wants me to take on the month leading up to the wedding.

I've spoken to the best man, my ex, and it seems that that half of the wedding party is being subjected to none of this!

OP posts:
magoria · 25/01/2015 20:28

6 bridesmaids at £1.5k each is £9k she is expecting others to subsidise her wedding to the tune of!

Unbelievable.

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