This has now escalated and I don't know what to do.

[solidarityplease]

Have name changed.

OH and I are in the midst of an almighty row. It's horrible.
I'll try and keep this brief, although very upset so might ramble.

Just for some background, we have 18mo DS. I have as of yet undiagnosed PND and what I suspect is PTSD, following a horrific time during birth. ( I had to process some potentially life changing news when DS was just a few weeks old, as a result of hospital negligence)

The PND and PTSD are undiagnosed not through lack of trying to get help - I really, really have tried. I have seen my GP, who once had established that I wasn't suicidal, and I didnt want to take ADs, was of no help whatsoever.

I had to fight tooth and nail to get a debrief for over a year. I finally managed to see the consultant a few months ago and am now waiting for outcome of investigation.

I'm really not well. I know this, my OH knows this, but I am proud of myself for getting through the first 18 months of my DS' life without completely going under. He was a very difficult baby and rarely slept during the day. He's a better napper now thank god.
I'm back at work 3 days a week and finding it very stressful.

OK - now to the argument. I have been trying to organise a long weekend away with some friends for some time as I have not had a night off or away from DS since he was born. He was ebf so I did all night wakings.

Nearly everytime we discuss this time away, OH mentions that he will be taking DS to his MIL for a visit during this time. This annoys me.

He has never had DS on his own for longer than 9-5 hours before. And that was just once.
I really want him to just experience what its like to be the sole care giver for a succession of days, more for solidaritys sake than anything else. Just to walk a couple of days in my shoes. Is this unreasonable?

Apparently I have a 'chip on my shoulder' about it.

He refuses to believe that going to MIL for a couple of hours with DS gives him a break. I say it is a break. There is another pair of eyes watching DS, you can eat in peace, go to the loo in peace, just have the sole carer responsibility lifted, even if its just a little bit.

I feel like Im going nuts. I feel so strongly about this. Is this just the PND talking or am I even a little bit justified.

Just to add OH goes away with work every now and again for a few days so having to get myself and DS ready for work and CM and out of the door for 7.30am is not easy.

God this looks ridiculous now.

What a horrible time you're having. I don't blame you for wanting your OH to have some insight. I think it is your illness that is making you feel so aggrieved about his plan but it's not an irrational feeling. Just an exaggerated form of how you would feel if you were well.

When DC1 was 9 months old my DH was injured at work and had to be at home for 4 weeks. It was a game changer because he could see what ai did all day and how emotionally exhausting it was. Up until then I think he thought I was just hanging out at home, watching television and seeing friends for coffee.

I understand how you are feeling too. I think ssd has hit the nail on the head when she says it's about him having some insight into what you are doing everyday.

But I think you need to give up on that. He's not going to get it from just one weekend because the hard bit is the lack of respite long term and he just has to "survive" the weekend.

I have a 13m old and whilst no PTSD or pnd have felt very down recently and a weekend with friends really helped me feel alive again so I hope yours brings you some relief too.

I had severe PND and was very close to the edge, I too did not want to take ad's as I had heard so many horror stories, managed to carry on your another year feeling rock bottom, finally I was out of options and went on ad's, they completely turned my life around, I really wish I took them earlier on. I was so addicted to them and managed to come off them without any problems.

Thank you for your kindness everyone. Its very much appreciated.
I do know I'm thinking and behaving irrationally, it's just been such a struggle to get help, it has begun to feel like I'm not entitled.

I remember coming out of the gps last time and thinking "did I just dream all of that? Did she actually hear what I said? Why is no one helping? "

I have a very good MW friend who (off the record) thinks I would have a legal case for negligence against the hospital. This, coupled with lack of support got me thinking they were deliberately avoiding helping me. Fucking nuts I know.

Who knows what will come of the investigation.

And I'm sorry to hear so many of you have experienced PND and other problems.
Sending you all and hoping you're all well now xx

I so hope the appointment goes well next week.

I agree with those that say they didn't develop a dependence on ADs. Neither did I, and they have been a lifesaver for several periods of my life. They help give you time to process stuff - take away the white noise so you can actually think imo. Then I found it easy to reduce the dose and stop taking them.

As an aside, i also have learnt that it doesn't matter how long a partner 'takes over' the main childcare. If it's a weekend or even a week with zero help, it is still a break from the norm. The novelty does not have time to wear off. They know relief is coming and can count down the days.

If the buck generally stops with you, you can never have that countdown and it grinds you down, especially if you are not well. Look after yourself if you can.

OP I'm sorry you've been through such a traumatic time. I had PND with dd2 and it took until she was 9 months for me to admit it to myself and get help. I didn't want to take ADs either. But even though DH was supportive I was so ill it didn't matter, it nearly ended my marriage.

I took ADs for 2 and half years before I felt ready to come off them. But I did come off them, I'm no longer depressed and my marriage survived.

I'm glad you're going to see your GP on Monday. I really would consider ADs, they really do help and you can still have counselling. Good luck .

It's like when Iain Duncan Smith says he could live off £52 for a week. Yes anyone can do anything for a short period, but what you're talking about is day in, day out prolonged relentlessness that grinds you down.

Lovely, lm so sorry you've had such a bad time. FWIW I had horrific PND after DD2, was hospitalised for 6 weeks with it. Take the ADs. Seriously, take them, there is no shame in them, and the right ones will transform your life.

I'm glad you can see you were being irrational; what's important here is that YOU get to go out, relax, have some time off. What's not important is what your DH does with your DC whilst you are away. Let him be

OP you have my sympathy for what you're going through. I think you want empathy, you want people to understand how you feel (that includes your partner). I understand. When my daughter was born I suffered similarly. I hope you get some closure with the hospital.

You and partner need to be together on this not apart. My husband really struggled...he didn't experience what I did but watching someone you love suffer and feel powerless is also difficult. I'm not suggesting you feel sorry for him btw. I'm just trying to suggest he may not be best placed himself right now

OP, I'm glad you have taken a positive step with your husband and this issue, and I hope that Monday brings you closer to recovery.

However, I just wanted to say this in response to your post:

I'm not deliberately trying to make him suffer as some of you have suggested, nor am I a nasty person.

Certainly for me, and I am guessing most of the other people who used the word, the term 'suffer' was just a short-hand for 'experience the sheer exhausting relentlessness and hazy tiredness of having a couple of hours sleep and then having to drag yourself out of bed to deal with a tiny person, who is irrational and infuriating and heartbreakingly vulnerable and so adorable you feel overwhelmed at the responsibility, with your needs being met only after everything else has been done and even going for a wee can spark a fit of tears that lasts what seems like hours and realising that it's only 8 o'clock in the morning and you could have sworn it must be at least lunch time...' of it all.

I think most of us even used quotes to denote that it wasn't meant as an accusation, more an understanding that many of us have felt that urge to expose someone else to that kind of feeling just so that they will really get how much they should appreciate what you do. While I hesitate to speak for others, I certainly read most of the posts here as understanding of the feelings you're having, but from people who are lucky enough to be able to look at the situation more objectively and appreciate that it's not a hugely helpful thing to do for either you or your husband. Not because you are nasty even suggesting it, but because it probably won't achieve what you want it to achieve, whatever happens, and it certainly isn't worth falling out over.

I hope you don't feel as though you were being attacked on this thread in general, but certainly not by me, so I apologise for my poor choice of words and wish you the very best.

Thank you Dojo. I appreciate I have misconstrued the use of the word "Suffer" , however, someone upthread did describe my behaviour as "childish, petty and nasty". Bit much I thought. That's what I was referring to. I'm completely prepared to be told IABU, but I have a limit.

I do appreciate all the lovely words of support that have been offered, it's so lovely of you all.

Good luck on Monday. I had PTSD post-birth as well and had to fight for counselling for months! It took a full 6 months for my first appointment to come through and then I had about 10(?) weekly sessions. I refused ADs as well, mainly because I felt they would somehow "cloak" the issue, and also irrationally I also felt like they would let my doctors etc off the hook. As in, I went through an awful situation, made worse by some of the HCP supposedly caring for me, but not to worry, give her some ADs and it's all ok again...

So I think I get it a bit OP.

FWIW, the counselling when I got it did help. And so did time. And so did more sleep when it came.

Good luck. Take care.

op, obviously I don't know what happened to you, but I had an awful first birth and when I got pregnant with ds2 I was terrified, so I spoke to my consultant and he went through my first birth notes to see if there was any negligence, and just that, feeling like someone was taking me seriously and cared about me really really helped me, I suspect you're feeling a bit like that just now. You just need to be taken seriously, and listened to.

good luck on Monday

Oh my God Face, that is EXACTLY how I feel. Thank you for articulating something I have been struggling to for 18 months.

I am now prepared to consider ADs (as long as they come with counselling) given all the positive outcomes on here, it's just that in the first instance, they were offered as a standalone treatment and tbh I was insulted. What I am suffering with is not only a post natal hormonal imbalance (I'm not minimising here! ) I need help to address a traumatic event and subsequent months of hell on earth as a result of said event. Offering me pills to make it feel better was like a smack in the teeth.

Thanks ssd for your post, I'm sorry you had a traumatic experience.
I have had a debrief, it was mildly cathartic but also so disorganised it was farcical (wrong set of notes, sent to wrong consultant with a similar name etc etc)

Hoping the investigation review will prove more helpful xxx

YANBU to think that taking your DS to MIL is "a break" - it is, I go to my parents with my DD and it is definitely a break, they make a cup of tea (or hold her while I do), if I eat with them then they wash up, I can share the responsibility for keeping her occupied and happy - yes, it's a break.

YABU to have been upset with your DH over it but you know that. It sounds like you've had a horrific time & I hope you're able to get help. You absolutely are entitled to it. Wishing you all the very best

glad I could help

I recognised a it of myself in your post and FWIW, I think talking it out is the answer, not AD's...but please ignore me if you dont feel like this, I just find being heard, properly heard, is the answer to most of my problems

bit not it

I get what you mean about ADs but I have taken them for PTSD and found them very helpful. They (citalopram from memory) helped me keep my head above water and enabled me to process what had happened rather than masked my feelings about it. I took them for six months alongside weekly counselling. I found when I had counselling alone without the ADs that it just brought everything back up again and it was too overwhelming. It wasn't until I had been taking the ADs for a bit that I could cope with talking about it.
I still think about what happened sometimes but I no longer feel affected by it in a way that impacts everything I do.

actually, sorry, re reading your post I think if you have a hormonal imbalance then AD's might help with that, going by the posts on here, I just know for me talking works better.

I'm not really sure if I do to be completely honest. I'm assuming I have PND on top of trauma. I'm not sure if it's 'just' the PTS that's making me feel this way.

Thanks for your insight tarka, it's really useful to hear your experiences. I guess I'm going to have to take it as it comes and see what is recommended for me and take it from there.
I'm glad you're feeling better xx

I feel for you solidarity. You have an 18 month old and you're back at work. That's tiring alone. And tiredness distorts real life, makes it all much harder than it is. But its unavoidable at your stage. Your dh is probably a good man who just isn't sure what to do for the best, and doesn't really get the relentless day in day out stuff that consumes you. Trust me, it does get better, gradually. But your mind is preoccupied with the awfulness that was a traumatic birth. You need answers and you need to feel this wont happen again, to you or anyone else. I hope you get the answers, and I hope they manage to settle your mind a bit and dont upset it further. And I really hope you get a nicer GP on Monday, who has the time and empathy to listen to you and understand why you need to discuss this. Good luck, I really mean it xx

I think talking it out is the answer, not AD's

Sorry to butt in but I'd like to offer a different perspective. In my case, it was recommended that any form of counselling could be detrimental to my recovery from PTSD. This was of course following a detailed assessment by an appropriately qualified doc. AD's gave me the space to work my own way out of it, iyswim? And I did.

Recovery from any mh problem is completely unique to the individual

You will never get a man to fully understand what it's like to be a mother. YABU to force your notion of parenthood on him, despite your obvious I'll health. You should take the tablets.

*ill