This has now escalated and I don't know what to do.

[solidarityplease]

Have name changed.

OH and I are in the midst of an almighty row. It's horrible.
I'll try and keep this brief, although very upset so might ramble.

Just for some background, we have 18mo DS. I have as of yet undiagnosed PND and what I suspect is PTSD, following a horrific time during birth. ( I had to process some potentially life changing news when DS was just a few weeks old, as a result of hospital negligence)

The PND and PTSD are undiagnosed not through lack of trying to get help - I really, really have tried. I have seen my GP, who once had established that I wasn't suicidal, and I didnt want to take ADs, was of no help whatsoever.

I had to fight tooth and nail to get a debrief for over a year. I finally managed to see the consultant a few months ago and am now waiting for outcome of investigation.

I'm really not well. I know this, my OH knows this, but I am proud of myself for getting through the first 18 months of my DS' life without completely going under. He was a very difficult baby and rarely slept during the day. He's a better napper now thank god.
I'm back at work 3 days a week and finding it very stressful.

OK - now to the argument. I have been trying to organise a long weekend away with some friends for some time as I have not had a night off or away from DS since he was born. He was ebf so I did all night wakings.

Nearly everytime we discuss this time away, OH mentions that he will be taking DS to his MIL for a visit during this time. This annoys me.

He has never had DS on his own for longer than 9-5 hours before. And that was just once.
I really want him to just experience what its like to be the sole care giver for a succession of days, more for solidaritys sake than anything else. Just to walk a couple of days in my shoes. Is this unreasonable?

Apparently I have a 'chip on my shoulder' about it.

He refuses to believe that going to MIL for a couple of hours with DS gives him a break. I say it is a break. There is another pair of eyes watching DS, you can eat in peace, go to the loo in peace, just have the sole carer responsibility lifted, even if its just a little bit.

I feel like Im going nuts. I feel so strongly about this. Is this just the PND talking or am I even a little bit justified.

Just to add OH goes away with work every now and again for a few days so having to get myself and DS ready for work and CM and out of the door for 7.30am is not easy.

God this looks ridiculous now.

Oh op, sorry you have had a tough time. I did to and feel much better now dd is 2. Will get better, I promise.
Good on you for being so gracious in the face of lots of yabu answers!
My dh takes dd to mils every time im at work, kind of for a break and kind of to spend some time with his old mum without the two of us cackling in the kitchen without him ;)
All I can say is that wishing he could experience your plight in order to empathize is never going to work- if he broke a leg, you wouldn't break yours in solidarity right?
Big old unmumsnetty hugs to you. Hope you book somewhere lovely

Solidarity - I resisted AD's for years. Thought I was strong. Thought that my anxiety was caused by work therefore not physiological. However, I started on Sertraline in November and feel so much better. My GP always asks about work. Iit hasn't changed but my ability to cope with it has.

Yes, I shouldn't have to take AD's. I get that argument but feeling better is better than feeling crap.

I hope my post doesn't feel like pressure, it's not intended that way.

X - post, I type slowly!

Dependence on anti- depressants isn't common really. Although some people do use them long term (often related to lazy Dr's or not resolving underlying issues).

I'm glad your DH is supportive but I would still be thinking about what makes you feel like he has to experience what you have to properly empathise.

I understand what you're getting at OP, but pick your battles - just go away and have a nice time. I hope you get somewhere with the GP

I don't think anyone should ever be given a hard time for being worried about ADs. They are not a panacea, though they can be very helpful in many cases. When you're at the limits of your endurance, the thought of tinkering with an already precarious mental state can be terrifying. I know it was for me.

Oh - one more thing. Also check if you can access counselling through work. Quite a lot of places offer this to support staff.

I think you feel like this about the MIL thing because you are not well.

Why not try ADs and THEN say they won't help you? I take psych meds now after years of resistance. Now I am so well and have a great new job and enjoy life. Looking back I can't understand why I thought I would just get better without meds.

You do not have to take AD's long term. They can be short term and used in conjunction with the counselling. It doesn't have to be one or the other. It's just something to get over the crisis, to help you see things more rationally, and perhaps respond to counselling more rationally.

I think whoever suggested a thread in chat about them, was spot on.

I think you summed it up when you said about understanding your state of mind but accepting he/ others can't.

I totally understand why you want him to be sole carer. I also think deep down you want him to fail at it? To find it hard and understand why you find it hard?

Well our gp gave me a leaflet to a counselling service. I'm surprised you weren't offered as it wasn't an area only thing.

The isolation need, the martyr feeling it's all symptomatic. As is not wanting to take tablets. It's all part of the mental 'disease'.

If it were any other disease and the gp said we will give you tablets you would try a course wouldn't you?

So why not?

And for aibu you really have had extremely temperate responses. But your state perceives them personally attacking. (Bar of course being described as batty! )

You've had a shity, shitty time and you've had many a battle but this one, isn't worth having right now.

Focus on having a great weekend, trust me, there will be plenty of time for him to experience the delights of being terrorised by a toddler in full meltdown (ahh, happy days).

You also have to realise that living with someone who depression and anxiety is in itself really stressful. Give hime a break and let him look after your dc the way he wants to.

I took Ads for 9 months post birth and stopped taking them with no adverse effects at all. Dependence is unusual

I can't see why the op is being told she's being unreasonable here

ok, it would be a nice thing for her dh to spend some time at his mums with the baby, but lets face it, of course thats easier than being alone with the baby all the time

surely the op just wants her dh to acknowledge how bloody relentless and exhausting it all is?

whats wrong with that?

I'm sorry that you have a bad time. I don't think that you can dictate what your OH does with his time but don't blame you for feeling irritated that he will not get to experience what it is like to look after your child for a few days without help. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do about on this occasion (unless you accidentally on purpose organise the weekend for a time your MIL is on holiday as SIL did recently).

YANBU for feeling the way you do, my OH does this too, sometimes if he offers to take DD off my hands he just goes to see his sister so her cousins can keep her amused. Maybe have a word with your MIL and just say that he's supposed to be acting as sole carer so to make sure he doesn't make her do all the baby chores.

I've apologised profusely. I really am sorry. We're going to gp together on Monday. I think I needed someone to take charge, I just had enough of going through it all again to get nowhere. It doesn't help my state of mind. He's said he'll speak for me if necessary.

Just to add, OH takes DS to MIL regularly so it wouldn't be a special treat or anything. When they are there, I have to use the time to work (teacher) so not Mich downtime there really. Anyway, that's all irrelevant, IABU I know.

I hope Monday goes well. Pnd is shit, utterly shit. I hope it gets better for you.

Take care duck

Thank you xxxx

Sorry you've been through such a terrible time.

You do realise that his plan to take DS to his mum's is actually him acknowledging in advance that he couldn't do what you do?

Hope the Doctor's visit goes well. And that you have a lovely weekend away.

I'm glad you are going back to the GP, op. You could ask for a referral to your local community mental health team, for a proper assessment and diagnosis?

I had (diagnosed) PTSD. I refused meds for years but after I started to take them, I slowly started to heal. Now, I'm off of all ADs - and I've recovered from PTSD.

What I found was that the meds helped me to think and process clearly, which was something unattainable to me, without that help. Being able to think and process clearly, enabled me to start recovering.

It's your right to decide but don't be afraid of trying them. Recovering from PTSD can be quite a lengthy process but it's a process which is well worth entering into

Good luck on Monday. Another AD success story here. No dependence. Utter relief all round. X

It depends on the mil - if my dh suggested it I would laugh and offer sympathy. Mil is harder work than dc.
but seriously, let dh manage how he feels fit and show you trust him. It may give him the confidence to step up more often. Most of all, take care of yourself xx

Ahh I'm glad you are going back to the dr's. PND really does suck. Look after yourself OP