This has now escalated and I don't know what to do.

[solidarityplease]

Have name changed.

OH and I are in the midst of an almighty row. It's horrible.
I'll try and keep this brief, although very upset so might ramble.

Just for some background, we have 18mo DS. I have as of yet undiagnosed PND and what I suspect is PTSD, following a horrific time during birth. ( I had to process some potentially life changing news when DS was just a few weeks old, as a result of hospital negligence)

The PND and PTSD are undiagnosed not through lack of trying to get help - I really, really have tried. I have seen my GP, who once had established that I wasn't suicidal, and I didnt want to take ADs, was of no help whatsoever.

I had to fight tooth and nail to get a debrief for over a year. I finally managed to see the consultant a few months ago and am now waiting for outcome of investigation.

I'm really not well. I know this, my OH knows this, but I am proud of myself for getting through the first 18 months of my DS' life without completely going under. He was a very difficult baby and rarely slept during the day. He's a better napper now thank god.
I'm back at work 3 days a week and finding it very stressful.

OK - now to the argument. I have been trying to organise a long weekend away with some friends for some time as I have not had a night off or away from DS since he was born. He was ebf so I did all night wakings.

Nearly everytime we discuss this time away, OH mentions that he will be taking DS to his MIL for a visit during this time. This annoys me.

He has never had DS on his own for longer than 9-5 hours before. And that was just once.
I really want him to just experience what its like to be the sole care giver for a succession of days, more for solidaritys sake than anything else. Just to walk a couple of days in my shoes. Is this unreasonable?

Apparently I have a 'chip on my shoulder' about it.

He refuses to believe that going to MIL for a couple of hours with DS gives him a break. I say it is a break. There is another pair of eyes watching DS, you can eat in peace, go to the loo in peace, just have the sole carer responsibility lifted, even if its just a little bit.

I feel like Im going nuts. I feel so strongly about this. Is this just the PND talking or am I even a little bit justified.

Just to add OH goes away with work every now and again for a few days so having to get myself and DS ready for work and CM and out of the door for 7.30am is not easy.

God this looks ridiculous now.

YABU, but do you know what - I really get why you feel like this. When Ds was a baby, I was at college part time, so only in on Mondays - Dh used to take Mondays off, and take Ds to his mum's, and it really irked me no end. That is, until I tried to work out why. Why did I want Dh to feel the full brunt of looking after a baby with no help, and why didn't I want him to have things a little easier on himself? Dh was very supportive of me, and acknowledged how hard it was for me to be on my own with Ds the rest of the time, as I did for him - being the one who was out working long hours. Maybe that's the key difference, are you feeling generally unappreciated by him? I could just have easily have gone round to MIL's on 'my' days, but at the time, would rather have martyred on on my own. My decision.

Also, I meant to say, sorry to hear you're having a rough time - hope things improve for you soon

I'm sorry, but I don't think you are justified in this. That's mainly because I don't think you're looking at this clearly. When you have sole charge of a child for a few days, a couple of hours is not a break that's actually worth much and certainly not enough for him not to grasp what sole charge is actually like.

Apologise to your OH and go and enjoy yourself.

Thing is, if he is totally not used to it, then even a two hour break might not be exactly reassuring for him. Likewise, it's kind of like you want your dp to know the hell you have gone through so he can understand what it's like, but that's not going to happen.

Firstly, the baby is better behaved now, so he is never going to know how truly difficult it was at the beginning.
"Oh he naps all the time it's fine"
"yes, but he didn't do that before"
"sure"

And secondly, and most importantly, your partner didn't have to endure the physical trauma of childbirth. So basically whilst you were dealing with this after your body getting totally battered, and the mental trauma of the birth itself, he is coming at it with a strong healthy body, and no trauma (that's an assumption).

So even if he WAS there right at the beginning, he can never truly understand what you went through. Really after all the other factors, a trip to his mum's is a drop in the ocean.

Unless you basically put your DP in a traumatic car accident or something, and then immediately after him an ill, teething baby to deal with to breast feed through bleeding nipples.

I can genuinely understand your view on this (I think). You feel like he has basically got the easy end of the stick, and YOU are the one who has had to plow through a massive pile of shit. You basically want him to have to have a taste of what you have been living through, so he can TRULY understand what you have been through. Especially if in contrast you don't feel like his life has changed that much in comparison.

The problem is that it just can't work like that. You can never replicate those circumstances. Whilst you most certainly got the raw end of the stick, it isn't a competition of who can "out endure" the other.

Is there a reason behind all this? Do you feel like your partner hasn't been particularly supportive of you whilst you have been going through this?

I would strongly recommend that you reconsider the AD's.

Honestly I'd be pleased that he has something planned rather than just 'winging it'. I don't think him 'suffering' really helps anything in the long run.

I could understand if mil was a cow or had a nasty dog or something tangible that you may percieve is risky for DS. But wanting your dh to be miserable will have a negative impact on him and DS surely?

I am sorry for what you're going through, but honestly let him do whatever works.

Do you see mil at all? Can you access more support for yourself from her?

I really think you should reconsider the ADs.
And I speak as someone who had late onset pnd with her first child.
My ds1 was 17 months before I accepted I needed them, and I feel a fool for not asking for help sooner.
X

I can understand why you want him to see, but if you find it difficult why would you want him to go through that too?

You don't say how supportive he's been though (unless I've missed it?) It'd be different if he was brushing off how you've felt/the shit you've overcome to look after your DS and wasn't supportive, but if he's done what he can in the time he has it would be churlish to be looking to set him up to have a hard time.

If he is only going round for one afternoon in that long weekend then he will be getting the experience the rest of the time

I don't think he is, that's the point. I think the op would be fine with that, but unless I've misunderstood, he is planning to spend the whole time at his mum's.

He refuses to believe that going to MIL for a couple of hours with DS gives him a break.

This is what the op would like him to do, but he is proposing to stay over there for a lot longer, I think.

As you in the midst of tough argument can you ask him to look after baby more often so you get more rest? It sounds like he might have bit more capacity than you right now? Do you have to work? Can you have a day in the week to yourself? I did this - it sounds indulgent but I needed it to recover.

Soupdragon it was intended for the OP to say as a joke which is why I put "and smile" in the sentence - which you conveniently missed out. I could have bantered like that with my DH and he would have laughed along in this situation. Nasty? Wow.

YABU. I'm so sorry for what you have been through though, and sounds like you are being fantastically pro active about it. However it is simply childish, petty and a little nasty to stop your DH from visiting his mother, whatever his reasons. It as though you want your DH to "suffer", but not only is that unfair on your DH, it is also unfair on your son, who will presumably suffer through being with a parent who is stressed and not experienced with being the sole carer.

YABU. You are having a weekend away so he's going to visit his mum.

With respect,you do have a chip on your shoulder as you seem to think he should have to experience what you have and that is really not fair of you.

No mrs mcruff, read the OP again. It is quite clear that her DH wants to spend a couple of hours there with his child.

Hi OP. I am sorry it has been so hard for you. I have to agree that I also think yab a bit u. If it helps, my DH sometimes takes the boys to his parents' place. It really isn't much break for him at all. I don't know what your in laws place is like, but mine is supremely child unfriendly. They also play so boisterously with the boys that they get wound up and completely wild. It is probably harder work having them there than it is at home! Plus, as the parent, at the end of the day you are responsible for your kids, no one else. So you never really switch off, even if other people are there.

I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe your DH will go to his folks for a bit of adult company (same reason I got to toddler groups, to be fair) but it may not necessarily make looking after your dc any easier?

I hope you have a nice weekend away, anyhow...

I hope when the time comes none of my sons will get told they can't bring my grandchild to see me, OP.

YABU, wanting him to "suffer" too. I'm sure you're only feeling like thus because you're ill, because it's not rational. Is there a reason you didn't want to take the ADs? Being a martyr isn't going to help you in the long term.

My DH always did that too. I didn't mind. He was capable of doing it alone but what is the point when he could make it easier on himself? I'm sure you have done some things to make things easier for yourself in the past.

I hope he can express understanding that it is hard for you on your own so much, without resorting to make things harder for himself. Do you feel undervalued? What could he do/say to empathise with you? Is it just this one issue or are there other problems in your communication with each other?

i was the same when i was out without the kids. dh would take the children to his parents. so would his brother when he was in that situation. i guess it's just some men who immediatley to go to their mothers when they're alone with the children. used to get right on my tits too. i don't think you're being unreasonable. only now (a long story later) does dh NOT go to his parents - but for a good few years he did and it really pissed me off that he couldn't/wouldn't cope with the kids by himself for a night/afternoon/both.

hope things get better. perhaps as this is the first time for your dh he's feelig a bit oooh aagh about it? but it's bloody irritating and used to cause no end of arguments with me and my dh.

Making your husband suffer as you have isn't going to change what you've gone through with the birth, nor what you seem to be through now. Your GP sounds absolutely right: you need antidepressants. You're being v unreasonable (as many posters have already said) and the reason you can't see that is probably related to PND. Please seek medical help, and follow their advice rather than refusing it.

What to do next: apologize, let it go, and then have a nice weekend.

I do completely understand your reasoning. I do. I have felt it and it simmers away and makes your blood boil.

But really, if you think about it, it is completely unreasonable.

When dh first started having all the dcs for whole weekends etc because I was working or I didn't have holiday so dh took the school half term off and had to entertain them all week, ALL of his family would be on the phone asking ot come visit, or for him to meet them somewhere for a day out to help him out, give him a break etc because how on earth could he be expected to cope?

The fact that I had been coping full time for quite some time didn't seem to cross their mind . I had only just gone back into training after being a SAHM and nobody had ever offered to give me a break during school holidays!

It has calmed down now, they don't always do it and dh has adjusted too and is now perfectly capable of getting them up and out places. He remembers water bottles and reading books for school bags and all the rest of it.

You've had a tough time. You deserve that weekend away but that doesn't mean that your dh needs to do it all on his own. After all, as a general rule a SAHM tries to fill her days with plans and things that will help her through. A playdate, a toddler group, soft play. Well going to see his mum is your dh's plan. A chat with another adult, some time for granny and grandchild together. Sounds lovely.

No mrs mcruff, read the OP again.

I think you need to do that!!

OH mentions that he will be taking DS to his MIL for a visit during this time......... I really want him to just experience what its like to be the sole care giver for a succession of days

This is what the op's oh is proposing - op is not happy about this.

He refuses to believe that going to MIL for a couple of hours with DS gives him a break. I say it is a break. There is another pair of eyes watching DS, you can eat in peace, go to the loo in peace, just have the sole carer responsibility lifted, even if its just a little bit.

This is what op proposes as a compromise. Oh is not happy with this.
Simple

There's frank and there's brutal.

IABU. I have conceded this. I will apologise to OH.

I'm not deliberately trying to make him suffer as some of you have suggested, nor am I a nasty person.

I have a skewed view on life at the moment and I'm trying to address this.
Clearly posting on AIBU wasn't the best idea I've had.

You've had some harsh and unsympathetic replies. Let them bother you even less than your DH doing what he feels he needs to while you enjoy the company of friends and a weekend away