This has now escalated and I don't know what to do.

[solidarityplease]

Have name changed.

OH and I are in the midst of an almighty row. It's horrible.
I'll try and keep this brief, although very upset so might ramble.

Just for some background, we have 18mo DS. I have as of yet undiagnosed PND and what I suspect is PTSD, following a horrific time during birth. ( I had to process some potentially life changing news when DS was just a few weeks old, as a result of hospital negligence)

The PND and PTSD are undiagnosed not through lack of trying to get help - I really, really have tried. I have seen my GP, who once had established that I wasn't suicidal, and I didnt want to take ADs, was of no help whatsoever.

I had to fight tooth and nail to get a debrief for over a year. I finally managed to see the consultant a few months ago and am now waiting for outcome of investigation.

I'm really not well. I know this, my OH knows this, but I am proud of myself for getting through the first 18 months of my DS' life without completely going under. He was a very difficult baby and rarely slept during the day. He's a better napper now thank god.
I'm back at work 3 days a week and finding it very stressful.

OK - now to the argument. I have been trying to organise a long weekend away with some friends for some time as I have not had a night off or away from DS since he was born. He was ebf so I did all night wakings.

Nearly everytime we discuss this time away, OH mentions that he will be taking DS to his MIL for a visit during this time. This annoys me.

He has never had DS on his own for longer than 9-5 hours before. And that was just once.
I really want him to just experience what its like to be the sole care giver for a succession of days, more for solidaritys sake than anything else. Just to walk a couple of days in my shoes. Is this unreasonable?

Apparently I have a 'chip on my shoulder' about it.

He refuses to believe that going to MIL for a couple of hours with DS gives him a break. I say it is a break. There is another pair of eyes watching DS, you can eat in peace, go to the loo in peace, just have the sole carer responsibility lifted, even if its just a little bit.

I feel like Im going nuts. I feel so strongly about this. Is this just the PND talking or am I even a little bit justified.

Just to add OH goes away with work every now and again for a few days so having to get myself and DS ready for work and CM and out of the door for 7.30am is not easy.

God this looks ridiculous now.

Mrsm, I read it to mean that she doesn't want him to have a break. And that a few hours with his mother is a break.

Hi OP sounds like you've had a difficult time and what I am picking up is that perhaps you don't feel OH appreciates how awful its been for you and that is why you're annoyed? Do you feel your OH and others hear how bad things were or do you feel minimised? Sometimes this can make you feel resentful?

I'm sorry you've been through so much and that you are really struggling x

I hope you get some help with everything and things aren't as bad as they seem with regard to the 'life changing' information.

I think you should consider the AD's though. It really might help you get back onto an even keel. There's nothing to be ashamed of if that's what's stopping you?! Pregnancy & childbirth can totally mess up your hormones and your chemical balance, they just help,to sort it out. You won't become a zombie or 'never get off them' either.

Maybe if you tell us why you said no, we can help you with your worries?

Wrt this 'argument' I'm afraid you are being unreasonable, really. But I don't understand why he can't just agree to it, if it's upsetting you this much, it seems like he's being deliberately provoking really. If you were home would you have a problem with him taking DS to you MIL's without you?

As long as you get your weekend away with your friends, just let him do as he pleases.

If I read it correctly, he's only taking DS to you MIL's for a few hours? That's still going to one hell of a learning curve for him

Also, as others have said. Even if he had him fir a month without help, he'd never feel what you feel, because it's not him with PTSD or PND.

Why have you refuse ad's op?
It seems a bit pointless to struggle for 18months when there is a possible solution. Would you refuse paracetamol for a headache?
Mental health issues are just as valid as physical ones and are often chemical imbalances which can be rectified. Please think about taking them if the gp thinks it may help.

Fair play to you OP for accepting all the yabu's . I'm afraid its another one from me too.

Even if you could legitamitly dictate that your DH experience complete sole care of your DS you do realise that Sod's law says that your DS would be an absolute angel and that it would do nothing more than reinforce any belief your DH has that looking after toddlers is a walk in the park.

My DH took our DC on a two hour road to to his mothers when they were all under 5 - apparently they slept most of the way! I didn't even believe him initially. The never once slept for me on a long car journeys

In some ways your position is understandable, but I don't think it's reasonable.

First I think you need to come to terms with the fact that your DH will probably never totally appreciate how hard it was for you. You can't replicate the difficulties of the early days for him - and really, what would it achieve?

His plan for the upcoming weekend sounds really sensible. Why make it more difficult on a point of principle?

He's seeking out the support he needs and I think you should do the same. Whether that's ADs, pushing for counselling, reassessing your DHs role day to day, more help from family, whatever it takes really.

I understand that you'd like to 'even out' the burden more fairly. But I suggest the answer is for both of you to get more support in the future rather than your DS getting less IYSWIM.

It might seem like he is getting a 'break' by being at his mum's, but if he has been supporting you through your illness and the frustration of trying to get a diagnosis then he deserves one too. Unless he is really blasé about how hard it is, or belittles your efforts, then I don't think he needs to 'learn a lesson' about this.

I can understand the feeling of him opting out of 'suffering' in the same way that you have recently, but as the man you love more than anything, do you really want him to feel the same way you do? To have the weekend stretching out in front of him without the chance of another adult to talk to? Of that countdown to bedtime so you can have 8 seconds' peace? What if you came home and he said 'I did it, all by myself and it was fine' how would you feel then? Resentful? Angry? Impressed?

Honestly, I don't think any good can come of him being forced into isolation just to prove a point. He knows you are doing a difficult job under difficult circumstances, so if there's something else you think he could be doing to make your life easier just ask him.

You are doing an incredible job, and I'm sure he knows that without having to experience it first-hand.

MrsMcRuff I don't read it the same as you at all

OH mentions that he will be taking DS to his MIL for a visit during this time. This annoys me I really want him to just experience what its like to be the sole care giver for a succession of days - I read this as the dh wants to go a visit to MIL for a couple of hours but OP doesn't want him to have any break and wants him to avoid MIL completely while he has the dc.

He refuses to believe that going to MIL for a couple of hours with DS gives him a break. I say it is a break - dh wants to go for a couple of hours and says he is not having a break by doing that. OP doesn't want him to go even for a couple of hours as he is not in full on parenting mode if there is another person there.

Demented, much better put than me

why are you do dead set against AD's?

YABU I don't see the problem with him taking his child to see his mother for a few hours?

OP for you. I refused to admit to having PND the first time and wouldn't even consider AD's. 3 children later and thankfully no return of the PND I can't begin to tell you how much I wish I had got some help (and yes, even the dreaded anti depressants) all those years ago. You've done better than me, you know you are ill and have taken steps to get help - accept it!

The visit was only for a couple of hours.
It just annoyed me that it seemed to be the first thing that covered to him iyswim.

He is supportive, but I don't think he truly appreciates my state of mind. Why would he I guess? No one does.

Its got to the point where I am tired of pouring my heart out to. Gps and consultants to not get anywhere. I don't want to keep reliving it. I already do that at night.

ADs scare me, I don't want to become dependent. I would prefer counselling to address what happened to me and to help me let go of all this bitterness.

I was offered a cup of tea and a chat with a lady in maternity unit. I cried all the way home.

*occured to him

I do see where you're coming from but I don't think that it's reasonable to say he can't take DS to MIL's, sorry.

I had PND but did take ADs (which helped enormously). It completely skews your thinking. No matter what you insist on your DH will not understand what you've been through or how you feel because he isn't ill. So forcing this point seems a little unnecessary.

You poor thing. I can understand why you feel the way you do - but it's not logical really. I know because I got in a similar state when DS was a baby - we were living in Bulgaria and had brought a sterilizer from UK. DH changed the plug to a two pin European one. I got really illogically annoyed and could not articulate why.

It's obv not the same but just an indication of how skewed we can sometimes see things.

Go and talk to your DH and have a hug.

You will be fine but it really might be worth rethinking the ADs. If you had a broken leg you would use crutches - think of the ads as crutches just to get you through the next couple of months or so.

Yabu....bt I feel really bad for you, I did the same. It's over control, sweetie you need the pills, just for a while.

OP you sound just like me in DDs first year. I didn't want DH getting any help either, I wanted us to do it alone. I ended up having a bit of a break down when she was 10 months old and it still took over 2 years before I felt relaxed.

My GP was useless too but my HV was brilliant - have you tried speaking to her? It also helped to just get out of the house - I went to baby massage, baby groups, meet a mum things - anything that got me out and enabled me to meet other mums and feel less alone.

I arranged my own counselling too and that also helped, even if it was expensive.

Does any of that advice help?

I do understand where you're coming from Solidarity

I guess you feel like your DH should experience having full, unsupported responsibility for childcare so that he understands how things are for you. Other posters are right though - it wouldn't really make him understand because he's not you.

I would look at why you feel like this. Do you feel he's unsupportive or doesn't understand and respect how hard you work to get through everything? Do you just need some acknowledgement of that?

As for your mental health, antidepressants are very useful but if you've seriously considered them and they aren't for you there are other options. I had counselling through the hospital for birth trauma, it was self referal, just had to ring up the counsellor and ask. If you ring the hospital they might be able to give you a number. Alternatively google 'primary care mental health' and your area, some teams will accept self referals and offer a gateway to psychological services including support from mental health nurses, support workers, cbt and counsellors - often they're connected to the IAPT service. Also look into the availability of EMDR in your area, it's fantastic for PTSD for some people.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

fWIW....you are putting massive expectation on your OH, it's bad for him to.

I say this with love, and because I have walked many miles in your shoes, Pnd makes a person incredibly self orientated, and gives little empathy for those who we think are 'ok'.

I think you've had a rough ride in here. I understand why you're annoyed (but I can't articulate why, I just do!)

My dsis was terrified of taking ADs, but eventually did, it was an amazing change for her and allowed her to move on and recover.
If you're scared, why not start a thread in chat asking for people's experiences so you can make a balanced and educated choice?

Try looking at the Birth Trauma Association website and see what support groups they have at the local children's centre/sure start centre.
From what I've heard from friends who took ad's for PND they got an awful lot of support from the GP with regards to the dosage and how long they stayed on them for. Maybe an appointment with your doctor to discuss the ins and outs of actually taking them might set you at ease?

I would push hard for counselling then. Make an appointment with your GP, state very clearly what you want, if there's resistance request a second opinion. If you really aren't getting anywhere with the NHS, I'd consider paying privately.

Where I am, they offer 4 counselling sessions as a standard first response to suspected PND, so it's definitely an approach that's advocated within the wider NHS.