It is dh's birthday and .....

[PopTarts]

And we've had a tiff last night so we're both at home sulking.
I think it was because he was 'in the mood', I wasn't, he got a bit huffy and kept turning around in the bed in a mood, and woke me up once as id just fallen asleep by pulling the duvet. I was really annoyed so snapped at him, a few cross words were exchanged, and then we both fell asleep - on our own sides.

Background context: We're usually very close, unless we have a tiff. And when we do, we're both as stubborn and childish as fuck. I have long long days at home with two dc while he works long long hours - we're both always tired and it's been a bad week business wise with some financial loss.
I also have the feeling he was expecting some kind of birthday 'thing' at 12, and it never happened. I havnt planned anything for his birthday or even bought a card. We'd planned on going out for a meal today.

This morning he woke up, took dc to club and went to work. While he was there I sent him a text saying about how annoyed and upset I was about last night. He's come home and I ignored him and so he is now in bed...

Aibu? Did he spoil his own birthday or am I?
What would you do?

Still doesn't seem too cheerful but I'll overlook that part... For now

how generous of you...

I think it's a shame for the DC. bet they wonder what's gone on and why Daddy doesn't want to spend time with them on his birthday and is in bed.

Anyway he's up. hurrah.

You didn't bother getting him something for his birthday and carried on bickering about last night and then ignored him? If my oh did that he would be in the doghouse I'm afraid. You sound very childish and very selfish. If this was a reverse thread the bloke would be getting a bashing for behaving like that.

Give him a break. I wouldn't be singing and dancing with joy after that week either. Have a good night

Don't people know the MN rules ? I will set them out now then everyone can stop getting snippy.

1. Husband fancies dtd, wife doesn't. Dh gets the arse. MN analysis and advice : this is power control and abusive. LTB

1. Wife fancies dtd, husband doesn't. Daw gets the arse. MN analysis and advice : DH is withholding affection and thus being emotionally abusive. LTB

1. Husband gets up, takes kids to clubs, then on to work on his birthday. Dw does nothing to acknowledge birthday, no card, no present, no cake or even text to wish DH happy returns upset. MN analysis and advice : Do not be fooled ! DH being upset is emotional manipulation tantamount to abuse. LTB

1. Daw gets up, takes kids to club. Goes to work on her birthday. DH makes no effort for birthday, no card, no present, no happy birthday text. She comes home upset. MN analysis and advice: he is an utter self absorbed, selfish twunt who does not value you at all. LTB immediately regardless of how impractical it is.

Do you see a theme here. ? Whatever you have done, you are right. You should not put up with any form of upset/sulking/disappointment. LTB??

Get a single quilt each!

we rarely do presents, but usually a card & definitely a "happy birthday"!

I'm not a texter & would be really pissed off to get that text rather than being told face to face first thing so that I could reply & have it done & dusted before leaving the house.

I think both behave like adults, stop sulking and taking to bed. Have a conversation, and move on.

I had forgotten that also on MN adult birthdays are a big deal.

I was going to say something constructive... but nah!

I think you both need to grow up.

Your pooh DH.

Spot on kittens.

When you put life into perspective things like this are not worth it. Don't spoil it any longer.

It's just so much nicer to be getting along than to be arguing. I hope you'll be able to move forward and have a few pleasant hours together this evening. And maybe later on you'll both be in the mood .

He wasn't bothered about a card or a present, he just wanted a midnight shag to mark the occasion. Doesn't sound too bad to me, less effort than making a cake. Give the guy a break.

YY kittens.

No man on MN is every allowed to be mildly dickish or a bit grumpy. It's always the start of some form of abuse.

Completely agree kitten.

I'm actually shocked - you didn't get him anything or do anything?

That's awful, OP. You sound spiteful and mean.

"And our tiff is so stupid it doesn't even warrant an answer "

good grief you posted this just because no-one responded within 4 mins...!

Tbh you both sound immature and I feel sorry for your children having to put up with your petty prolonged 'tiffs'. On the bright side, at least you acknowledge that you are both 'childish as fuck'.

To answer your question, YABU for dragging it on. It is his birthday, you could have given it a rest and had a nicer day all round.

I don't think she sounds spiteful. Just patronising, self-aborbed and dismissive.

He is an arse for getting snippy because you didn't want sex. What do you do next time, go along with it so he doesn't sulk?

As for the present etc, what did he get you for your birthday out of interest?

I'd actually be more concerned about his stress levels. Man sounds like his work is going tits up, he's lost money when as a family things are tight.

Putting the birthday bickerfest to one side, if my DH had a week like that and when he did he took to his bed I'd be asking serious questions about his well being.

As someone whose seen the fallout from being brought up in a house with silent treatments and sulking, I can tell you that poor person has not had fun in her childhood. You really both need to work on that because it will affect the children badly.

YANBu to not want sex
YANBU to be annoyed at his huffing
YABU to continue the argument
YABU to 'forget' his birthday, it smacks of 'punishing'
YAbothBU to play sulking games

Would it kill everyone to be kind? Everyone is tired. You're alone with the kids, he's stressed at work and worried. He fancied a shag, you didn't. Fair enough. He absolutely shouldn't have sulked. Very wrong.

However, everything from that point has been ridiculous. It seems that no one knows how to communicate. let's make up now, you were huffy and so was I, let's not drag it out on your birthday would have pissed me off. It's so qualified and point-scoring. How about, "I'm sorry I didn't get you anything; sorry I was huffy". Then he has the chance to say, "I was huffy too, sorry. I was grumpy last night and shouldn't have been". By including his 'fault' in your communication, you are setting up more conflict. By just taking your part, you are opening the discussion.

If he then doesn't take his part, more communication is needed, "when you don't talk to me because you don't get laid, I feel sad/turned off/used (whatever you feel)". Different discussion.

I have never bought a card or a birthday present for my DH in 30 odd years of marriage. Neither has he. We occasionally make a (not entirely serious) comment about the other looking old / having sprouted more grey hairs etc and we pretty much always go out with as a family to celebrate any family members birthday.

Hang on? Is it not allowed to ever get huffy if you want sex and don't get it?

It's not ok to be horrible, try to pressure someone into it etc but sometimes if I really want sex and perhaps been looking forward to it and dh isn't in the mood I get disappointed.

Kittens has summed it up very well! MN's hypocrisy as its finest.

U2. I did mention that earlier on, I'm quite willing to admit it can make me a bit huffy...nothing wrong with being disappointed IMO.