Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It is dh's birthday and .....

164 replies

PopTarts · 24/01/2015 16:32

And we've had a tiff last night so we're both at home sulking.
I think it was because he was 'in the mood', I wasn't, he got a bit huffy and kept turning around in the bed in a mood, and woke me up once as id just fallen asleep by pulling the duvet. I was really annoyed so snapped at him, a few cross words were exchanged, and then we both fell asleep - on our own sides.

Background context: We're usually very close, unless we have a tiff. And when we do, we're both as stubborn and childish as fuck. I have long long days at home with two dc while he works long long hours - we're both always tired and it's been a bad week business wise with some financial loss.
I also have the feeling he was expecting some kind of birthday 'thing' at 12, and it never happened. I havnt planned anything for his birthday or even bought a card. We'd planned on going out for a meal today.

This morning he woke up, took dc to club and went to work. While he was there I sent him a text saying about how annoyed and upset I was about last night. He's come home and I ignored him and so he is now in bed...

Aibu? Did he spoil his own birthday or am I?
What would you do?

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 24/01/2015 17:00

And nowhere does OP say he demanded sex. She thinks he was in the mood.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 24/01/2015 17:00

Men really cannot do any right on here can they.

If a man posted he had snapped at his wife for pulling the duvet off then then stayed in bed letting her take the children to clubs and then off to earn the household income with not even a card or present the thread would be unanimous against him.

Not getting him anything, even from the children, is very mean. How could you have ran out of time when home all day? How long does it take to log on the computer and buy something?

SurlyCue · 24/01/2015 17:01

Xpost

googoodolly · 24/01/2015 17:01

Yes, OP was perfectly within her rights to be annoyed about the sex, but why on earth drag it out on his birthday and make the entire day miserable for everyone?

He's upset and in bed at 4pm on his birthday, his wife hasn't spoken to him and surely the DC have picked up on the fact that mummy and daddy aren't talking. It's just not necessary to totally drag it out.

I read the OP as DH tried his luck as it was his birthday, got sulky and disappointed and acted a bit childishly, then got up the next day and did things as normal, whereas OP sent the text and ignored him when he got home. On his birthday. Not nice behaviour, really. I wouldn't like it if I'd acted a bit ridiculously and got punished for it on my birthday.

I'd also like to say that the lack of card/presents was nothing to do with the fight, OP said already she hadn't bothered to get him anything even before all this.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 24/01/2015 17:01

Really ImBatDog {hmm]

The OP should be forced to have sex when she doesn't want to just because it's his birthday?

Also the number of times OPs, who post about being disappointed about loved ones not doing anything for their birthdays, who get told they are too old to be bothered about their birthday and should just get over themselves. I'm surprised at the reaction of some on here.

Having said that could you be the bigger person here OP and try and put an end to the stand off.

Primadonnagirl · 24/01/2015 17:01

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.. Oh for fucks sake! This is a petty marital tiff..no need to get Amnesty International involved!

ImBatDog · 24/01/2015 17:01

ignoring your DH and abusing him emotionally on his birthday is also a form of domestic abuse.

Original poster
PopTarts · 24/01/2015 17:01

I'm assuming it was a combination of me not being in the mood ^and^ no effort for his birthday. Which I'm quite surprised about , both reasons to be honest.

OP posts:
JanineStHubbins · 24/01/2015 17:03

No, she thinks the tiff occurred because he was in the mood and she wasn't. Not that she thinks he was in the mood. Rather different.

DoJo · 24/01/2015 17:03

But demanding sex from your wife and sulking with her when she doesn't want to is, presumably, fine?

I can't see where the OP suggested that her husband demanded sex? She 'thinks' he was in the mood, but also suspected that he might have expected her to wish him happy birthday at midnight which she didn't. Does that mean that he 'demanded' a happy birthday?

Tbh I would be raging if DH tried to make me feel guilty over not giving him sex.

I find this terminology a bit peculiar - isn't sex something you do together rather than something one 'gives' to someone else?

Punishing his wife for not having sex by disturbing her sleep all night is not on.

Nowhere does the OP suggest that he disturbed her sleep all night - have I missed something?

formerbabe · 24/01/2015 17:03

I think he should have apologised to the op. The fact that it is his birthday is completely irrelevant.

Original poster
PopTarts · 24/01/2015 17:04

I honestly do not know why I didn't get a present.
It's not for lack of money or time.
I don't know... I just didn't bother because I havnt bought him anything for the past few years (due to money being very tight). And I've just carried on as though it was the case, maybe? I don't know.

I do feel quite rotten about it now.

OP posts:
ImBatDog · 24/01/2015 17:05

"Which I'm quite surprised about , both reasons to be honest."

you're surprised he was upset by that? Really? Do you have any empathy?

TheWitTank · 24/01/2015 17:06

Agree ImBatDog. Where has he 'demanded sex' or been pushy? He fancied a bit with his partner, she rebuffed him (fair enough) and he got a bit huffy. Not raging, or furious or shouting the place down about being refused. I would imagine he was disappointed. If it was written on here by a mum along the lines of "I was really looking forward to a night of passion with DH. It's my birthday tomorrow and I was excited about going out for dinner and perhaps a gift or cake at lunchtime. DH wasn't in the mood and turned to go to sleep, I felt really upset and hurt, so I admit I huffed and puffed and turned about a bit, then pulled the covers a bit to get them over me. DH really snapped at me, now won't speak to me and sent me a horrible text on my birthday, no well wishes or card or anything. Don't even know if our meal is on now". Bet it would get loads of sympathy and LTB.

Op, he wasn't right to get moody about no sex. But you were horrible next day. Make up and have a nice meal Flowers

JanineStHubbins · 24/01/2015 17:06

Do you usually exchange gifts on birthdays OP?

DoJo · 24/01/2015 17:06

This is very odd, OP - do you generally feel as though your relationship is adrift? Because you said in your OP that you are usually very close, but it seems odd not to even consider buying your husband a card or present for his birthday when you have the resources to do so.
Leaving aside all the confusion over the sex issue, if you and your husband had been in each other's shoes today, how would you have felt?

googoodolly · 24/01/2015 17:07

I would be very upset if DP didn't acknowledge my birthday. He never spends much because it's December and it's a tight month generally (Christmas and DC birthday), but he's always gotten me a token something.

I find it pretty shocking that you haven't even wished him a happy birthday. No wonder he's upset.

Original poster
PopTarts · 24/01/2015 17:07

Imbat Hmm are you angry about something else and just venting on me? You seem furious.

I was surprised because he's usually really chilled out. He's a laid back guy and not at all bothered about cards and presents and the fuss and bother. He has said so many times himself in the past.

OP posts:
ImBatDog · 24/01/2015 17:09

life according to mumsnet.

a man must never ever ever be upset or a bit put out that his wife refused sex.

he must also not be upset that he gets shouted at for pulling the duvet over, or for being completely fucking ignored, all bar an abusive text on his birthday.

SurlyCue · 24/01/2015 17:09

No, she thinks the tiff occurred because he was in the mood and she wasn't.

So not because he demanded it then?

Sparklingbrook · 24/01/2015 17:10

Life's too short for these sort of shenanigans.

Forget about what's gone on last night/this morning. What can you do to sort things out from this moment on?

DoJo · 24/01/2015 17:10

Do you think he has been saying that in the past because he knew that there was no money for gifts etc and wanted to make you feel better, but now he knows there is more cash to be spent he expected you to make a bit more of a fuss? Does he usually get you a card and a present on your birthday, even if it's something small as dictated by finances at the time?

ImBatDog · 24/01/2015 17:10

no, i'm just genuinely gobsmacked for your poor DH, laid up there in bed on his birthday being ignored by his wife and that you're on here wondering if you're in the wrong...

faitaccompli · 24/01/2015 17:10

I am sorry but you sound dreadful. The least you could do was buy a card.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 24/01/2015 17:11

so it's after 5pm and you've yet to wish your husband a happy birthday?

pretty shit that is.