To not bring first born grandchild to the inlaws...

[piazilla]

I live in the uae and have to return to my native Ireland this month for unavoidable reasons . My ds ( first grandchild on both sides) will be coming with me - and although I'm nervous about making the journey alone with a ten week old, I know that my mum will organise everything I need when I get home and I won't need to worry about a thing during my stay.
I'll stay in Ireland for 3 weeks - here is the clincher - my inlaws live in Paris and want me to bring baby over for a week. Paternal grandfather is the only one who hasn't been over to visit ( his own choice - work commitments last minute meant he didn't visit when mil came over) so therefore mil is bleating that fil really wants to meet grandson .
I have a classic stereotypically tense relationship with mil. She does whatever she pleases regardless of what anyone else thinks . Baby will be paraded around for visitors - I'm breastfeeding on demand - it's all a bit - arrrgh! Aibu to not go to Paris or am I just being uncharitable and mean spirited?

I really don't buy the idea 'you marry a whole family'. You don't. I've certainly never been to a wedding which included vows "I promise to love you forever, and to love your family as much as I love mine". Sometimes it happens that you get on well with PIL, sometimes it doesn't.

We all love our grandchildren and none of us has the right to love them or spend time with them more than another set of grandparents because of who actually gave birth.
Right to love them more?! WTAF?

Its not always about the rights of the grandparents. It is about a new mum flying a long way alone with a small baby and not wanting to add to the stress.

Jesus, we're supposed to empower each other.
That includes empowering women to say 'no' when they don't want to do something.

OP, just go to see your family as planned. If FIL wants to see your DS then he can travel to you, or you and DH can go together. You need do what is best for you, your DS and DH.

Mehitabel: Because we live thousands of miles away from both sets of parents, visits are not as simple as popping in for a cup of tea. They tend to last for weeks at a time , due to the expense of travelling. It can be taxing for all involved.
I can vouch for the fact that it definitely isn't always easier when your parents have a relationship with the inlaws. Our families have holidayed together on two different occasions, sharing accommodation each time. Once in Paris, once in Cyprus, and last last year they all came to our house for Christmas. There are never any fights of course, but I find it utterly exhausting keeping everyone happy.
Remember, there are two different cultures at play here, plus a language barrier with my fil. Believe me when I tell you that my DH and I are extremely family orientated . But now we have our own little family, and we need to become the priority , especially in the early years.
I'm not sure what you mean by saying " what goes around, comes around". Do you mean that my children will also spend time and money trying to keep everyone happy? I would like to think that I wouldn't be that selfish to make those demands of my kids in the future, as I know how it feels!

Jee : I agree with you one hundred percent when you say that when your mum is being irritating, you can tell her. That is exactly why I didn't want my mother in law visiting in the first two weeks after I had the baby. I was getting to grips with breast feeding and had a pretty tough time- I didn't want an audience, and was quite likely to have the urge to tell anyone within arms length to fuck off. I get like that when I am in extreme discomfort! I would have preferred to put all my energy into my new baby - not into keeping a diplomatic smile on my face! Too exhausting! But hey ho, she came anyway.

If your inlaws are not European but have chosen to live in Paris why would there be lots of visitors as presumably they won't be relatives. I think you've travelled enough but if you choose to go to Paris would say no to visitors or just do 2-3 days. I wouldn't bother though and wouldn't mention your mum coming. I think a mother coming to help is different to inlaws coming to fuss over baby. Your husband can sort out them visiting you at some point.

RandomMess: I think DH would get the message across, but would never be as direct as that. If he had a word with her, I would never hear the details of it. He doesn't like or thrive on confrontation, so it would be done very gently . Sometimes I think this lady needs a sledgehammer to get the message across, but that is a choice on her part, and she certainly takes on the info more easily from DH .

There is one other thing. You say you have to go home but not why. Not to pry but it implies a family member in ill health or family occasion.
If the former, then you have a v valid reason to say it will not be possible.
If MIL visits you in Ireland you will potentially have two GM's fighting to hold the baby but also an example to your MIL in how to respect your wishes if your mum is good about that sort of thing.
It's tricky, especially the cost of it all. I travelled with my DD when she was quite small a number of times. Baby on the front, small rucksack with changing stuff etc (clean tshirt for you) on your back. Both hands free for a wheely suitcase on arrival. My mum was on laundry overdrive so I needed far less stuff than I brought. They borrowed a pram and a car seat locally which was great.
Practice going to the loo with your baby in a sling and you'll be fine. The trick is to have a wee before boarding wherever possible as there's more space than an airplane cubicle but half the plane will offer to hold your baby if you need help.
The ears/air pressure issue is usually descending rather than ascending. Bf through it sorts it completely. DD slept really well on the plane, lovely white noise of aircraft engines.
They will insist you sit by a window so you'll need to be sorted when you sit down with stuff to hand like an iPad etc. that's why a rucksack is v handy as you can slide under the seat in front. Total bonus if the seat is empty right beside you

2rebecca ; although they are not European, they actually do have a lot of family there. At least 3 or 4 branches of the family, and certainly enough to be able to borrow cots and strollers etc, I checked!
I don't think no visitors is an option- mil is only dying to show off the grandson! She even hosted visitors in my house in the early days when she came to visit - friends of hers who lived in Dubai. Not what I needed at the time I can tell you!
I will invite them to ireland - if not I will go for a long weekend and bite my tongue. Plus I wont mention anything about my mum coming in June!

Treadsoftly:
I actually need to come home to see a doctor.
My mum was here at the same time as mil when they baby was just born. Mil didn't seem to take the cues, and my mother was very good about saying " ok , you take baba now, I'm here to mind you, not the baby, You need to get to know him" . Whereas mil was saying things like, " you know, I only got to hold him twice today".
I plan on wearing the sling, and I have booked a bassinet for the flight, so I am hoping that will make things easier. I will BF or will have a bottle with expressed milk on take off and landing and I'm just hoping it all goes smoothly. Admittedly I am not a good flier, I don't do well with turbulence but I'm just putting that out of my mind for now! That's a good tip about using the bathroom before going on the plane - didn't think of the space issue at all! :)

I'd also try to keep the peace and go for 2-3 days over a weekend in the middle of the visit, but that's just my personality. I'd try to encourage my mum to come with me (moral support and someone to get out and have coffee with). Finances allowing, I'd book a hotel and stay there, at least it'll be some time out from the PIL in the evening/morning. Alternatively, look to go out with the baby, DM and PIL each day, even if it's just a walk. It will limit visitors and MIL can push the buggy.

However, don't be afraid to stand up and demand your baby back for feeding. Just stand up and take him off whoever has him. I was like that with DD but we were breast feeding on demand too. It just had to be done when she wasn't handed back, MIL liked to walk off and jiggle her when she just wanted feeding.

If all this flying lark is so quick and easy why didn't FIL get off his arse and go visit his GS with his wife either of the times she went? I'm guessing the OP had the normal 9 months pregnancy? So he's had nearly a year now to plan this ... hardly unforeseen circs.

On what planet is is simpler for a new EBF mother to fly with a newborn to see a perfectly able bodied man who isn't even that bothered about the meet up?

OP i think you're a hero. At 10 weeks with my DD4 i was still a bit of a tearful mess at times, had to plan my day at home v.carefully to feel in any control at all (including simple shopping trips) and still hadn't got the confidence to BF in public, and was exhausted with all the night feeds.

Well done to you for this trip You should feel proud.

Piazilla I've read your replies and my apologies for any offence caused by my posts. However I still think the journey is very doable and all the moreso because you will be using a sling. My girls all use them and much prefer them to a buggy when travelling.

'If all this flying lark is so quick and easy why didn't FIL get off his arse and go visit his GS with his wife either of the times she went? I'm guessing the OP had the normal 9 months pregnancy? So he's had nearly a year now to plan this ... hardly unforeseen circs.'

Quite.

But instead the OP gets accused of trying to hide her child away from his paternal grandparents.

Hi Op, I think you're doing great to go on two flights with a ten week old not to mind offering to go on four.

I've done it with a 3 month old bfing and as some people say it can be easier than you expect but it is exhausting when you're on your own.

We lived in a diff country to inlaws when ds was born. I was like you, bombarding inlaws with photos etc for fear of them feeling left out and the guilt trip texts and emails she sent if i didn't send a pic one day.

After they came to visit a few times - same behaviour as your mil, rearranging kitchen, discouraging bf, not wanting to give me baby when hungry - I just gave up trying to get them to like me and it's been the best thing for my relationship with them.

I'm a major people pleaser and found it hard to deal with the thought they didn't like me or think I was a 'good' daughter in law but I had been and they still dismissed and disrespected my opinions and what I wanted. As soon as I started saying 'no that doesn't really work for us' and making it clear that dh was as responsible as I for keeping in contact they respected me a lot more.

Good on you for offering to go for the few days, it's really lovely of you. I hope they appreciate it.

OP, your mil sounds like she has trouble letting go of her role as the matriarch/ control centre. She might mean well or might not, who knows but it is up to you and your dh to build healthy boundaries.

The first baby/ grandchild often shakes things up and there are many grandparents who have to learn to let go of their role as 'manager of the family'. This usually takes a while but by the time the second / third gc arrives these very Gp who insisted on their 'right' to be involved get fed up with it a bit. Newborn babies are all cuddly and haven't got a will of their own however once pfb becomes a toddler with tantrums and all these Gp often get rather bored with it all....

On principle I would not dance after the tune of somebody who is overbearing and tries to control me or my family. As tough as it sounds your mil will have to learn that wrt to your newly shaped family and your dc it is you and your dh who call the shots, absolutely no one else.

Make sure your dh is firmly behind you (can take a while with new dads) but this a new chapter and the Gp as important as they are do no longer call the shots wrt to their dc or dgc.

Good luck, it will a bit of a power struggle but it will most likely all smooth out eventually.

Piazilla you sound like a very level headed young woman and I totally understand about your overbearing MIL (I had one of those once!) and as you say 2 very different cultures involved. You seem to have found a good compromise.

Incidentally I think you may over time need to find a way to "stand up to your MIL" and that doesn't need to be in a confrontational way - there are ways of making your point tactfully and I think if you could do this, you would feel a little more empowered with your MIL. I understand why you don't want to leave LO with your MIL because of the strong pain killers, but couldn't help a smile about a bit of honey on her finger! That's honestly not going to do him any harm. I remember my MIL and FIL putting bits of milk chocolate on my firstborn son's tongue at the age of about 6 months, and of course it just melted. I didn't want them to do this (but it was done a lot in those days) but I bit my tongue (just about) but they knew I didn't like it and was a bit fussy over what he ate. I found an old photo recently of my son sitting on FIL's lap on the garden swing (he was about 1 year old) and he is holding something. I thought it looked like a chocolate bar but DH said it was bread, so I had the old photo enlarged and it was a chocolate bar!! We both had a good laugh and of course it never did him any harm. Mind he still loves chocolate and almost 50!

I think it's interesting how so many posters have come on telling you not to go and not to do this, that or the other, even though you have made your plans clear. I think this is what I find so insidious about these MIL threads, the way all these other women come on with their advice about what to do, and some of the posts/advice is so spiteful. Why can't you women just accept that the OP has made her decision. It's almost like you can't bear the thought of this MIL being given the chance to see her grandson. Sorry but that IS just spiteful - there's no other word for it.

Randomess I think your post epitomises all that I dislike about MIL threads. Your advice about what the OP's DH should say to his mother, and the manner in which you suggest he does it, sounds exactly like an adult talking to a child. SO dreadful........and I find this is not at all unusual. I don't know if you have a son, but if you do, I hope when it's your turn your son does not talk to you like that - NO on second thoughts I hope he does. Then you will know how that feels.

From my experience of flying with smalls, I would take both a sling and a buggy. Especially if you get stuck at any airports, there will be times when you just want to put the baby down so you can have a rest, go to the toilet, not be encumbered.

Good luck with your travels!

don't go to paris, traveling with baby is already difficult. You do not want the extra turmoil for baby, if they won't come to ireland, they will have to wait for OH to be present

Piazilla can I just point out that PIL's will be alive for at LEAST the next 15 years... As will DS. I think you need to tell your MIL that your trip to Ireland hasn't at all been planned as a leisure trip, you have a specific reason for going. Yes, while you could take ds to Paris to meet fil, your son IS only 8 weeks old, and I get that his grandpappy will want to meet him, but I think everyone involved should think about the stress it will put on your baby... He'll be thrown in at the deep end in quite a few new situations. I'm not saying travelling with a little baby's unreasonable, but from the start my LO knew before I did if I was in a situation that made me uncomfortable... And as you really are still getting to know each other if suggest going from Ireland back home and then PILs can come to you when FIL has a work holiday. Especially as for the next 5 months there'll be no paid income from you, and spending unnecessary amounts of money to go see your PILs when it's perfectly reasonable to ask them to come to you, is a bit too much to ask. I wouldn't want to still be getting used to having a baby swinging off my boobs, being jet lagged and learning to cope with a disturbed sleep pattern all in an already tense environment... And in a different country no less... OP I found adjusting to mummyhood horrendous, and the furthest we went in the first year was the measly 12 miles to my grandparents house. I'm not saying don't go at all, but if you think you'll feel uncomfortable and under pressure then it is definitely reasonable to ask them to come to Dubai (I'd suggest moving their summer visit closer?) if they can't come earlier then tough titties to them, they can wait a few weeks!!! Your little boy isn't going anywhere...

OP I think you are very game to stay with ILs without DH. I wish you well in your travels.

It is perfectly normal that sometimes one sit of GPs sees grandchildren more than another. For my oldest sister, it was her (my) parents who saw more of the GC. For me, it is my DMIL. I bite my tongue when my DM has occasionally grumbled about it, as she didn't seem to see a problem when the boot was on the other foot. There are practical reasons why these discrepancies arise.

Your DH not being able to go with you is, imho, a perfectly acceptable reason why you might not want to visit his parents - who you don't get on that well with - this time.

sit = set

Your MIL lost my vote when you said she is the kind of person to have a "stronger case" for barging in later, as your mum will have had 3 weeks with baby.

I have a son and a daughter. If I'm lucky enough to be blessed with being a grandma to my son's child, I fully expect my DIL to prefer to be close to her mum. It doesn't matter much if they live in the same hemisphere or just next door. If my DIL had to haul herself and a 10-week old from the UAE, you can bet your arse I'd check if it's ok to meet her, and then move heaven and earth to organise visas. If that wasn't possible, I'd miss them awfully but hope I'd be dignified enough to just send a little gift, wish her well, and let her know that I'm available to visit any time I'm welcome.

My DP and other family members would give me a swift kick if I ever suggested a woman with a newborn fly out of her way to see me. Babies aren't bread - they don't go off. And post-partum women need a lot more rest and care than we give.

Do what makes you happy OP. Relationships with GC tend to evolve directly through the adult child. If your DH isn't arranging his own time and new baby to have direct contact with his mother then it's between him and his mum. Not your problem.

NanaNina. You are wrong to smile about MIL potentially giving the child honey and saying it won't do any harm. In the UK honey is on the 'absolutely do not give' list for under 1s. Honey can contain botulism poisoning which, although rare, is very serious.

And still the posts are coming - why can't all you naysayers just accept that the OP has made a decision about her travel plans, which include a weekend with the ILs.........she's hardly going to change her mind now - is that what you're hoping. And the way some of you are talking, anyone would think the OP and baby were going "into the jaws of hell" for a weekend. Might not be very relaxing or rewarding but she's going to do it - it's a weekend FGS not half a lifetime!

Ooh and do forgive me Amummyatlast - for smiling! I think and under 1 year old would have to eat an awful lot of honey to be poisoned. I have fond memories of giving my under 1's banana and honey mashed together and even tiny honey sandwiches. They were never poisoned, but then I'm just an old fashioned MIL so what do I know.

Very little, it seems, NanaNina.

OP, if you do the trip from Ireland and back, you should be able to travel much lighter than if you do Paris on your journey back.

Any chance your Mom or a sister could go with you to Paris? Then you would have practical and emotional support on the trip...

Amummyatlast - congratulations on the put down to Nananina. It says way more about you than it does about her.