To not bring first born grandchild to the inlaws...

[piazilla]

I live in the uae and have to return to my native Ireland this month for unavoidable reasons . My ds ( first grandchild on both sides) will be coming with me - and although I'm nervous about making the journey alone with a ten week old, I know that my mum will organise everything I need when I get home and I won't need to worry about a thing during my stay.
I'll stay in Ireland for 3 weeks - here is the clincher - my inlaws live in Paris and want me to bring baby over for a week. Paternal grandfather is the only one who hasn't been over to visit ( his own choice - work commitments last minute meant he didn't visit when mil came over) so therefore mil is bleating that fil really wants to meet grandson .
I have a classic stereotypically tense relationship with mil. She does whatever she pleases regardless of what anyone else thinks . Baby will be paraded around for visitors - I'm breastfeeding on demand - it's all a bit - arrrgh! Aibu to not go to Paris or am I just being uncharitable and mean spirited?

Irish here too. I found travelling with a small bf baby surprisingly easy with a sling (and I'm not the earth mother type). God but they need tons of stuff when they are being weaned and toys and crap to keep them entertained later.

I'd go home for 4 weeks and go to Paris in the middle for a long weekend when FIL is off work. That way you can travel with the minimum of "stuff".
Send MIL a list of stuff - travel cot or moses basket, baby bath (though you could use the sink or bidet), and I presume you'll be travelling with a sling or pram? Far less stressful and ask if your Mum can come too?

Could you cut it down to 2 nights in Paris on your way home? That would be a compromise and not so daunting. Or if you could turn it round and do two nights on the way to your parents it would be over and done with before you knew it. Guess this onl;y works if you haven't booked your flights yet

Are you flying into Charles de Gaulle anyway? I do have sympathy for the work commitments of fil. But a week is too long. Could you do a weekend on way to Ireland (or 1-2 days) and then go enjoy your self with your mum. I fed on demand and also suffered horrific mastitis when routine was messed about. Explain clearly what you will need them to have in the house - starting with a comfy chair for feeding!

What Tread said - it's really not too bad travelling with one small baby and you only have to go for 3/4 days.

If you do decide to go (and you don't have to if you don't want to) can you get away with a hotel in Paris?

At least that way, if there are visitors, you can go back to your own space for privacy when you've had enough.

Your dh sounds like he knows full well what it will be like so he can hardly argue that you don't need a hotel for your own sanity.

I had to spend hours massaging my boobs with hot flannels, hand expressing and feeding in some acrobatic positions - hardly possible if you're surrounded by strangers and don't feel comfortable. I'd be hammering home to DH how essential your bf health is; I've met a few women who encountered similar problems when they thought they were doing fine.

Remember to take food on the plane with you if you don't get a seat with a cot - if you are holding the baby for the whole flight you won't be able to put the tray down and eat the hot food.

Nooooo. A week with your inlaws, a 10 week old baby and no husband to act as a buffer? Not in a meeeeeeellion years. It's a pity that their visa status doesn't allow them to take advantage of you being relatively close in Ireland, but it's hardly fair of them to insist you break up your trip home so disruptively like that, and it was your FIL's decision not to visit with your MIL, so tough.

They can come visit you in UAE, or you can go to Paris with your DH when you feel up to it.

I'd consider an overnighter in Paris. Depending how easy the transfers were at either end. NOT a week!

But basically they need to come to you in UAE if they really can't get a visa for Ireland.

Hi OP, I'm also from South Coast of Ireland. Would it be possible for your in laws to get to London or similar? I'm thinking if you could fly Cork/Heathrow & make a day trip of it? You could explain that you don't feel able to travel an extra two flights with baby plus luggage but could possibly do a quick visit with just a day bag? Your mum may be able to go with you? It's great travelling with a tiny BF baby but within reason - you don't want to arrive home from your trip absolutely exhausted & run-down.

What has FiL himself said? His wife is going on about it but he doesn't sound that bothered. Why are you running around trying to sort this? Not your problem.

Right - return flight Dubai to Dublin booked -one weekend trip to Paris from Ireland has been scouted out, but as yet unbooked.
I've checked with my family and they are happy to put inlaws up if I want to invite them over - so ball is in their court. I'm pretty sure they won't get a visa - but they have a month to work on it!
Regarding my fil - he has as much interest as many men his age in a ten week old - the driving force for this visit is my mil , lamenting how she misses ds regularly on fb.
I'll invite them - if they can't/won't come - I'll go for 3 nights and then back to Ireland . I'll have done my bit , plus it won't look so bad when in June I politely decline mil offer to come and mind baby!!

They have the cutest baby clothes and toys in Paris and the best pastries

I'm glad you've found a compromise piazilla and as a grandparent and the mother of sons, and a MIL of course, I can predict that most posters will be telling you (as they usually do) not to "give in to MIL" - the thing is this is their grandchild as much as it is your parent's grandchild and I think a lot of you young mothers forget that...........ok she might be difficult and you don't get on, but sometimes you have to accept that and try to find some middle ground. A child has the right to form relationships with both sets of grandparents and members of both extended families, so long as these are positive experiences for the child.

If you are going back to work in June and your mother is over for a month, why can't the ILs come over for a long visit too, surely this will help with you going back to work and it's possible your DH might like to see his parents!

I absolutely get that you prefer your mother (that was the case for me and in a way if you have a lovely mother, why would you prefer MIL or even like her as you love your own mother) but I still think some of you mothers who come on saying that "no way" would you take the baby to see the ILs are just being unfair. If you are the mothers of sons, one day you will in all probability be MILs yourselves, and you will be excited when your first grandchild is born and want to see as much of him/her as you possibly can. I just hope your DILs are more generous spirited than some of you on the thread.

I am very fortunate as my DILs have always been very fair about the grandchildren, and I have a good relationship with them, but then I'm a bloody good MIL!!

Having been through similar visa issues I wouldn't be at all surprised if they don't get visas.

Personally I'd stop in Paris on the way home for 2-3 days then fly home directly from there.

Mil is the kind of person to text and say "oh I miss my grandson so much - no pictures for days!!!!

What's wrong with this?

Yes I wondered that wizard - could it possibly be that she loves her firstborn grandson and does miss him, and the only way she can see him is by pictures.......oh NO not according to the OP or a lot of other posters.

When my first grandchild was born I would have been devastated if I was in another country and YES I would have wanted as many pictures as possible.

Some spiteful poster on here (forget who) said "Oh that would make me send one every month" or something similar and others telling the OP to say "Oh hasn't DH sent you any, I'll remind him" - how petty can you get. It IS usually the baby's mother that sends pics and it's SO easy now with FB or e mail.

I feel sorry for the grandparents of this LO as I think they are always going to be sidelined in favour of the maternal grandmother. It just isn't fair, not fair at all.

NanaNina - I'm glad you posted as a paternal grandmother - your view point is what has made me hesitate to brush off her requests to come visit.

A bit of background ... She is an organizer , she takes over everything and I find it difficult to assert myself with her. For me, I walk the fine line of showing her the respect I believe she deserves , and maintaining some boundaries! Over the years she has stayed with us , and I've come home to find my kitchen completely dismantled and contents of cupboards shifted around. My own mother would never dream of doing that because it would be an intrusion , yet she regularly throws her weight around in this way. One can view it as being a desire to help , but I feel there is a power struggle .
My dilemma is that if I go , I will be immersed in this power struggle again, but this time in a strange house, with a ten week old baby! I've already experienced a taster when she visited at one week ( I had asked her not to come straight away as I wanted to get to grips with being a new mum , but by day 4 she had called my dh in tears saying it wasn't fair that my friends had visited the baby but that she hadn't met him yet.. So she stayed for a week)
. I demand breast feed , and had to repeatedly ask for the baby back so I could feed him , to the point where I had to take him out of her arms with her protesting that all babies root at all times, and that he "couldn't possibly be hungry" . I'll admit that I am possibly sensitive to this kind of situation, but it really is hassle that I don't need! We will go to Paris for at least a fortnight in the summer, plus she will get loads of Skype time as usual. The remark about the photos was because I felt that she was complaining about not getting enough photos .... I had a newborn baby and was overwhelmed, but I found myself jumping to her requests. I find that she uses guilt tactics to get her way, and I am a sucker for that kind of thing!
Despite all of this, she will be a good grandmother who will idolize her grandson , ( like she does her son) and I would never stand in the way of their relationship - it's a privilege to have two sets of grandparents as far as I am concerned. However, at this point, I need to consider more than just her wants ... Ultimately fil made the decision to stay away...I'm on unpaid leave for the next 5 months ... Should I be expected to pop over and add that extra hassel and expense? Ultimately that's what I will do because her opinion matters to me but I suppose it irks me that I can't just stand my ground and just say no!
( phew that was long! Sorry)

Sorry but fuck that! I've learned to be quite hard faced with my MIL or I'm ridden roughshod over. The more I stand up to her, the nicer she is to me. If I get her an inch, I'm soon sorry. Some people are just manipulative takers. You will get NO THANKS for this piazilla, mark my words. You will be exhausted, fed up and have to endlessly assert and defend your approach to parenting - without your DH to back you up. All the nopes. You will be there this summer, just stick your fingers in your ears and go lalalalalala and enjoy your few weeks at home with your mammy! Signed: a fellow Irishwoman abroad married to foreigner with a mental MIL

Glad you've found a compromise

You don't have to love your in-laws nor do they have to love you - they're not your parents. But you can tolerate each other as they're your child's grandparents too. Im not sure what the analysing of FIL feelings are - it doesn't matter, as long as he isn't being horrible to you/baby.

Im always surprised at how some people seem to condone that once you have a baby you start playing this game of well, in-laws can't see them. As if DH's parents suddenly become redundant or that kind of unpleasantness couldn't possibly ever cause friction with DH. Its a losers game, DCs grow up and if they're into their grandparents even though you've aimed to be a barrier then you're left on the outside and for what, really? Control games never end well

Have a nice time

Y'know, when my son has a child, I reckon I'll look to HIM to manage our relationship, rather than expecting it to suddenly magically become his wife's responsibility because pictures and babies and visiting is Women's Work.

Fuck that. I'd be ashamed to raise someone who tried to palm me off to his spouse to manage.

But I'm just a selfish "young mother" who hasn't a clue what she's up to.

Incidentally my MIL is staying with me right now for two weeks. I love her. She could stay two months as far as I'm concerned. But she doesn't expect me to be her first point of family contact. She hassles DH when she wants something. She knows I have my own set of parents on my back!

Pia I'm sure your ILs are lovely. And your DH is lovely.

But ultimately you have a lot on your plate right now. You have a tiny newborn, you have breastfeeding, you have an unavoidable long journey alone and weeks without your DH.

Your ILs are not your primary responsibility. Yes they are lovely and you get on great but they are your DHs parents. It's up to him to take on the work and make the effort - when you are already so overstretched.

Does your DH text your mum much? Send her photos? When was the last time he spent a week alone with her?

I'm not trying to suggest that either your DH or his parents are behaving badly, I'm just saying that there are certain bullshit extra expectations that are placed on you purely because you're a woman and when you are stretched thin on your ACTUAL family responsibilities (like the tiny new person you have to feed, and the presumably very significant situation at home in Ireland) it is OK to tell people "no, this is your job. I cannot do this job for you right now."

Visit Paris with your DH. Let your FIL figure out his visa or his holiday time. You do not have to carry everybody and make all the effort when other people fail to. You will all see plenty of each other in the long run.

I see Nananina's point. But I also think your DH should take responsibility for his parents. It's not fair for you to have all the burden. I have had to put my foot down and refuse to countenance PIL visits unless DH takes time off work and takes full responsibility for associated arrangements (obviously I share hosting them, as with all other guests). I put all the effort into contact with my DPs and GPs - DH doesn't expect to do that.

I have sons. I hope I'll get on well with their hypothetical spouses one day, but I really can't imagine expecting them to take charge of keeping me up to date with all their family arrangements.

That said, I would go to Paris but just for 2 nights. Partly to keep the peace , partly because it will be cheaper than a separate trip from UAE, and partly because it's easy to travel with a little baby and will become more annoying later. Paris is also pretty nice for a couple of days. I would expect my DH to be very very grateful for my kindness and flexibility!

Glad you have a solution. Sounds fine to me. I would do as you are planning and just go for a few days. You may find it easier to be the visitor than have your MIL in your home. Just do what you feel is right regarding baby and especially bf. Just smile at any comments and tell them how it is. I used to do this with my mum who wasn't a fan of bf! Other than that, both Mum and mil were nothing but supportive. I used to let DH contact MiL and nag him to do so when he was busy. It must be hard for parents when their kids live away. Sadly ours are no longer with us.