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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not bring first born grandchild to the inlaws...

150 replies

piazilla · 22/01/2015 16:07

I live in the uae and have to return to my native Ireland this month for unavoidable reasons . My ds ( first grandchild on both sides) will be coming with me - and although I'm nervous about making the journey alone with a ten week old, I know that my mum will organise everything I need when I get home and I won't need to worry about a thing during my stay.
I'll stay in Ireland for 3 weeks - here is the clincher - my inlaws live in Paris and want me to bring baby over for a week. Paternal grandfather is the only one who hasn't been over to visit ( his own choice - work commitments last minute meant he didn't visit when mil came over) so therefore mil is bleating that fil really wants to meet grandson .
I have a classic stereotypically tense relationship with mil. She does whatever she pleases regardless of what anyone else thinks . Baby will be paraded around for visitors - I'm breastfeeding on demand - it's all a bit - arrrgh! Aibu to not go to Paris or am I just being uncharitable and mean spirited?

OP posts:
youbethemummylion · 22/01/2015 16:22

Bit confused on visa issues are In Laws not from an EU country?

shovetheholly · 22/01/2015 16:24

A week sounds a looooong time to be in Paris with a small baby and a tense relationship with inlaws. You will go crazy!

Is there any chance you could go for a long weekend instead?

SuasSios · 22/01/2015 16:25

It's not like you're staying up the road from them, and just need to hop on a bus. It's a lot of hassle. I get the PA moaning from MIL will be annoying, but try to ignore it. In fairness, your DH can send her all the pics she wants, and you could "lose your phone"...

Original poster
piazilla · 22/01/2015 16:25

Republic of Ireland : we are not part of schengen - inlaws are not European ... It's tricky! Bottom line - they can't come to Ireland right now!
Dh can't get holidays ... I'll be honest - part of me thinks I'm trying to be a bit crafty - I want my mother to come to uae for a month in June when I return to work . Mil will swoop in and offer - and will have a stronger case to do so if my mum got 3 weeks with baby in Ireland and she got nothing!!

OP posts:
batgirl1984 · 22/01/2015 16:25

Depending how close to the border you are, could you offer to pop over to Northern Ireland for a few days? Unless the visa issue extends to the UK as well. That way you will have been very reasonable and if they cba then you and DH will know that you have done your bit.

SuasSios · 22/01/2015 16:26

Could you go to Paris on your way to Ireland? Spend a few days there, and then 3 weeks in your Mum's after? I think I'd prefer it that way round.

Lweji · 22/01/2015 16:27

Or, could you book the return flights to stop over in Paris and they can spend a morning or afternoon with the baby?

Also
I have since bombarded her with photos because I don't want to give her the satisfaction of saying I don't keep in touch!
Why doesn't her son send the bloody photos?
Do you send any to your relatives?
That is what fb is for. :)

MariosYoshi · 22/01/2015 16:27

I wouldn't do it, it's a hell of a lot with a baby. Also in reply to her 'I haven't had any picture' texts I would be replying 'oh no hasn't dh sent any? I do keep telling him to, you should text him to remind him :)'

partypigeon · 22/01/2015 16:27

I am ebf too and it was around 8-10 weeks that I had a flurry of really badly blocked ducts which turned into mastitis, which I put down to suddenly being busier, dashing around a lot and doing a lot of bf in public before I was really comfortable with it. Even if things aregoing smoothly so far you still need plenty of rest and minimum stress at this stage

Lweji · 22/01/2015 16:28

Are you sure they can't get a tourist visa to Ireland? I find it odd, tbh.

Original poster
piazilla · 22/01/2015 16:29

Suas sios I could do that I suppose - we are looking up flights now - it might be cheaper mightn't it!

OP posts:
batgirl1984 · 22/01/2015 16:30

Would you have to mention the bit about your mum coming for a month at this point? I'd wait till flights are booked! (not personally, I like my inlaws. If everyone was clamering I'd have them for a month each!)

Original poster
piazilla · 22/01/2015 16:32

Party pigeon : damn I didn't even think of that! I'm trying to tell dh that if I do go - I don't want a million visitors because I don't want to keep whipping out my boobs in front of them! He keeps saying look there's gonna be visitors!

OP posts:
SuasSios · 22/01/2015 16:33

Might be much cheaper Wink

Original poster
piazilla · 22/01/2015 16:33

Batgirl - oh no I'll not say a word! I've asked my mum, dh knows - it's been decided. But I'm not looking forward to the reaction to be honest!

OP posts:
Original poster
piazilla · 22/01/2015 16:34

Getting dh to look it up now! Oh if he knew about this thread Wink lol

OP posts:
elelfrance · 22/01/2015 16:34

oh holy god no, no way....i flew with DD at that age, and while it was easy for her (she slept most of it), i was completely frazzled by the whole thing, i couldn't even begin to consider another stopover....plus i can imagine if ILs have no other grandkids, then they'll have none of the gear, and won't be as much help as your own mum
i think i'd be honest and say 'i'm very stressed at the idea of flying on my own with DD, and i really can't handle the idea of trying to organise another stopover, please can we figure out some other way for FIL to see the baby' ? they'd have to be very callous to insist...

firesidechat · 22/01/2015 16:35

I'm curious about the visas. Are the inlaws from a country other than France?

zipzap · 22/01/2015 16:35

Are you flying through london? Any chance they could meet you there for a day or two if you're feeling really brave so that it's only putting you out for a few hours rather than a whole week?

What does your dh think? Does he really want you to go to his parents too or is he not that bothered? And if he does want you to go - would he be perfectly happy to go to stay with your parents in similar circumstances (with how your relationship is with your mil and how she will treat you rather than how well or not he gets on with your mum!).

I'd just say that I really didn't want to travel any more and if they can't intercept you in London then you're sorry but you'll look forward with gritted teeth to seeing them another time.

It's really tricky that he has visa problems going to ireland - is there any way that he could get around it or is it convenient to not have it so that it forces you to go to see them (or so they think - not saying you should!).

I would jump at the chance of having 3 weeks with your mum, invite them for a few days to be polite, when they point out that they can't come, say what a shame you can't make it, will look forward to seeing you on a different trip/when you next come over to visit us - and then leave it at that. You've offered, they've refused. They've offered, you've refused. It's no ruder for you to refuse them than it is for them to refuse you. It's not your fault they can't get a visa to ireland. (Could they get one to Northern Ireland and could you and your mum maybe meet up with them for a couple of days there if it's not too tricky?)

And just keep repeating that it's not possible for you to visit paris this trip with such a young baby - you've given them options that work for you and the baby, if they can't do it then that's a shame but never mind.

Good luck - don't get brow beaten into going by your mil!

firesidechat · 22/01/2015 16:36

Ignore that post. Just seen that you have already explained.

Original poster
piazilla · 22/01/2015 16:38

Fireside chat : yes not French - Lebanese !
Elefrance : yeah I'm worried about the exhaustion of it all!

OP posts:
Original poster
piazilla · 22/01/2015 16:42

Zip zap - flight is direct to Dublin I'm afraid - and we are on the southern coast so even getting up north would be a couple of hours in a car ( think 5 or 6 hours Hmm)
I know they can't make it to Ireland , but they know I know iykwim lol

OP posts:
zipzap · 22/01/2015 16:43

Could you say something about being reluctant to impose more flights on your ds, that you're already not happy with him having to do so many so young and so you don't feel that it's appropriate to make him do even more - dress it up with some science-y blurb and then end with a 'you wouldn't want me to do anything to put ds at risk would you?' so that they can't answer anything other than 'of course not' - if they say 'ignore the advice and come and see us instead' you can just guilt them for not caring about their gc and what's the point of going to see gp when they don't care about their gc's health and safety, just want them for their own personal gain to show off to friends regardless of how it will affect ds...

UmizoomiThis · 22/01/2015 16:46

Beside the point a bit but why can't they get a visa? Is it really can't or can't be arsed to apply for one?

Carriemac · 22/01/2015 16:54

Just say no it's just won't work out this time. Don't get bogged down in explinations. I really regret with first DS the amount of running around pleasing people, and hosting people, when I should have been resting and enjoying my mat leave with my baby. My next mat leave was with twins and a toddler so full on and hectic. My SIL was so much wiser and just used to say no I can't face that when under pressure to see family etc with kids and got away with it, in fact people were afraid of upsetting her.
Don't be a coper! :)