To not bring first born grandchild to the inlaws...

[piazilla]

I live in the uae and have to return to my native Ireland this month for unavoidable reasons . My ds ( first grandchild on both sides) will be coming with me - and although I'm nervous about making the journey alone with a ten week old, I know that my mum will organise everything I need when I get home and I won't need to worry about a thing during my stay.
I'll stay in Ireland for 3 weeks - here is the clincher - my inlaws live in Paris and want me to bring baby over for a week. Paternal grandfather is the only one who hasn't been over to visit ( his own choice - work commitments last minute meant he didn't visit when mil came over) so therefore mil is bleating that fil really wants to meet grandson .
I have a classic stereotypically tense relationship with mil. She does whatever she pleases regardless of what anyone else thinks . Baby will be paraded around for visitors - I'm breastfeeding on demand - it's all a bit - arrrgh! Aibu to not go to Paris or am I just being uncharitable and mean spirited?

Oh god - to be honest, my dh does text both my mum and dad . He does the football stuff with my dad and sends him links etc etc, and will less frequently text my mum jokes and keep her up to date with various stuff!
With his own parents he isn't as good as he could be- but still isn't as bad as my younger brother in Australia!

When you live out of your native country it puts pressure on you timewise! The only holiday dh and u have ever had alone was our honeymoon. Apart from that all vacation time is spent with family, but there again, we live in a country where we have zero family support which can be hard at times!

Also , from a cultural point if view , I think that in irish culture, a woman remains close to her family. At least I was always closer to my maternal grandparents. Whereas in dh's culture - the expectation is for the wife to move more towards her husbands family. By way of compromise, we try to keep everyone happy!!

I just wanted to say that it probably will get easier - your MIL sounds a lot like mine! We also live abroad and she is utterly besotted with her grandsons - with DS1 she really leapt on any remote opportunity to spend time with him (to the extent that I often felt she was stealing my time with him in the early days) but I've come to realise she was absolutely terrified that the distance would men she wouldn't have a close relationship with him so she was desperate to build that when she could. The good news is that she does have a lovely relationship with him - they talk on Skype every week - and is as a result a fair bit more relaxed about DS2, although still besotted which is no bad thing!

Piazilla this would be there reality of your journey

Dubai to Dublin 8.15 hours direct flight time

Dublin to Paris 1.40 minutes flight time

Paris to Dubai 6.50 minutes flight time

Total going 8.15 hours

Total coming back 8.30 hours

So its 15 minutes more in the air and a stop in Paris which is way less than what people who don't get a direct flight to Dublin do when they have to transit in London going and coming.

I think you are just needing to find any excuse you can to not go and visit your in laws with their grandchild who's as much their grandchild as he's your parents grandchild.

Of course no one knows why you feel like this but you are effectively saying - he really is just for me and mine to love and want and look after.

Your journey is very doable and I can say that because Ive travelled for a life time with babies on a very similar route out of this part of the world when travelling was way harder than it is now. I did one journey with a 2 week old and never was a baby easier to travel with, she had all she needed which was my breast, disposable nappies, and some clean clothes.

Your son has an extended family who adore him, go and see your in-laws and when you go back to work have both your mum and your mother in law to come and help out. They could do a month each, and you never know it could be that the care (nursery or an ayah?) you have planned for your wee one doesn't work out and you might just be glad of granny flying in on her broomstick from Paris.

As for the wanting photos everyday? Its just a sign of the times with everything being so instant nowadays so maybe just nudge your husband in the ribs and get him to send some instead. Personally I think its better she wants photos than not be interested in receiving any.

Oh and I do get the cultural aspect of things - I came here as an 18 year old bride in the mid 70's.

So its 15 minutes more in the air and a stop in Paris which is way less than what people who don't get a direct flight to Dublin do when they have to transit in London going and coming.

It's not so much the flight time, but, loading and unloading luggage and leaving airports, etc.
Then, yes, it is the one week at ILs where the OP knows she won't feel comfortable for different reasons. It was in the OP.
Yes, those grandparents have as much right to see their child, but the OP is travelling at her own expense and at the expense of her time so see her parents. Her OH can do the same thing to his parents, and they can also take time to visit their grandchild. The visa situation looks like an excuse for them not to travel, TBH.

I have never visited my ILs without dh, nor has he visited my family without me. We both get on OK with our surviving ILs - I'm quite fond of FIL for example but I'd not feel at all comfortable spending more than an hour or two with him on my own. I know a few people who are close to their PILs but it seems a bit odd to assume that you should feel similarly comfortable with your parents in law as you do with your parents. My children are just teens and way off being parents (I hope!) but I won't expect their partners to facilitate any relationship I have with possible grandchildren, I see that as being the role of my child, not any potential future son/daughter in law.

OP glad you've found a solution. I'm also an emigrant and managing visits is certainly a really tricky feature of living abroad.

I find it very strange when people don't visit IL's without their partner. You don't marry the person in isolation- you get their family too. I came with parents, siblings, aunts, cousins, old family friends etc etc etc and I wouldn't have married DH if he saw them as a duty and couldn't see any of them without me having to be there too.

But you do choose to marry that person, not their family.
While you shouldn't ignore them, you don't have to get along with them, nor should you feel obligated to love them and spend time with them too.

It is interesting that the OP's husband seems more in contact with his ILs than his own parents.

Briefly - its no biggie going through an airport and it is possible to travel light, especially if your living with family and have access to a washing machine etc. A buggy and one medium sized suitcase is all you'd need.

The finances - blimey I wouldnt even think of things on that level because its sounds as if you are saying the OP is paying so its ok to only go and see her family. What if she didn't work or have the finances and her husband paid for the trip - should she only go to his? To be frank the financial argument is bordering on ridiculous.

Visas are very hard to come by for some nationalities to go anywhere and I wouldn't look upon it being used as an excuse.

Granted the OP did say she wouldn't be comfortable but she didn't have to stay for a week, it could have been for 2 nights.

Anyway, none of it matters really. The OP doesn't want her husbands family involved in the wee ones life to any extent and thats all there is to it.

I didn't have PIL, they died when my husband was young, but all of my children are married, some to locals and some to foreigners like me, and I think whats going on is a great shame. I'd be really sad if there were these kind of dynamics going on in my family. We all love our grandchildren and none of us has the right to love them or spend time with them more than another set of grandparents because of who actually gave birth.

My children will get me, grandparents, cousins etc- we are not intending to be airbrushed out!

The OP doesn't want her husbands family involved in the wee ones life to any extent and thats all there is to it.

Clearly that's not the case. :) Where are you reading that?

The OP is visiting them over a weekend, and it was the FIL who didn't visit the baby.
Her husband himself is not that bothered, so why should her?

I think that children do what they are used to. My parents didn't differentiate between families, I didn't and now DSs don't . I see DS's partners without them being around- we actually like each other!

Digressing slightly, but I found it really weird when my in laws tried to foster a relationship with my parents (who were also a bit nonplussed). In my family, DM never saw DFs family without him and vice versa - not my family, is what they'd have said, and imo they'd be right.

You need to keep things friendly and be fair, but you don't need to be mates. Your MIL is not your mum - treat her like a person in your life rather than a parent if that's how you feel about her.

Could DH have stern words with MIL before you pop to Paris - telling her that you are not ready for lots of visitors and to not interfere with your feeding routine? Could he go as far as explaining that if she isn't respectful of you knowing best for your dc then you're not going to want to visit again... I think he should lay it on thick and say he is ringing without your knowledge and that he doesn't want you upset by her taking over etc. etc.

I do hope your dh does stand up to his Mum when needed?

Try and practice being assertive and thinking up so firm statements to use so you can have more control whilst there. It could make future visits a much more pleasant experience.

Briefly - its no biggie going through an airport and it is possible to travel light, especially if your living with family and have access to a washing machine etc. A buggy and one medium sized suitcase is all you'd need.

But she will be all by herself struggling to push a buggy and pull a suitcase. It sounds unbelievably stressful.

I would wait and go to Paris when your DH can help. He should want to be there to show his DF his new baby.

Oh good grief - the OP will be all by herself going through an airport?

The baby will be in the buggy that can be pushed with one hand and the other can be used to hold the handle of one of those suitcases that roll along beside you.

Jesus, we're supposed to empower each other.

I won't visit my in laws alone as there is a lot of back story and its not a comfortable relationship. I am the one who pushes visits as neither them or DH will ever do anything. I make them feel welcome include them in everything but it frequently gets chucked back in my face.

However I will not give up trying its hard work when everything goes unappreciated.

Sorry off thread a bit

It is much simpler if your parents have a relationship with ILs because you can all get together at Christmas, parties etc. it must be difficult if you keep it separate. We have just had them at the same time on lots of occasions.

What goes around comes around, if you don't mix except through duty, then you are likely to lose your DSs on marriage. Mine saw it as quite normal that they saw 2 grannies at the same time. Luckily their partners are similarly family orientated. I wouldn't want it any other way.

People have to be reasonable to make it work- OP going to Paris isn't.

God, I couldn't be doing with all that!

Just go home and see your family! You can work something out with his family on another occasion. Unless you want to pay for a cab to go absolutely everywhere (and be stuck in hellish traffic), then you have to use the metro.

Considering that none of the metros seem to have ANY disabled access whatsoever, there are also no lifts.

So if carting a massive suitcase, pram, and baby up and down endless stairs sounds like fun, then go for it!

When was the last time he spent a week alone with her?

He can take the baby to see his parents for a week (or even a day) can he?

Of course not. This particular instance has got to be managed by the OP as she is travelling with her bf baby, so any contact with the ILs is down to her.

Christmas with a 16 week old baby travelling around the UK was hard enough with DH. DS struggled. Don't do it. Its not fair on your baby or you.

10 weeks was also a 'wobble' point for me. Being in a highly stressful strange place with people who I found hard whilst on my own would have sent me over the edge.

You are trying to please everyone else and are missing one really important point here.

What's best for you and your baby - Not what's going to keep the peace and everyone else happy.

They are being selfish if they don't understand that. There will be other opportunities in the future. They will have to be patient that's all.

Pia, my PILs are lovely, but I find staying with them more stressful than my own parents. Largely because when my mum is being... well, irritating, I can tell her. I would have found a week with my in-laws and a 10 week old baby hard.

But you will find that a 10 week old ebf is the most portable form of child. And at the moment your ds is only 6 weeks old, and you're in the new-born haze of complete exhaustion. Four weeks down the line, you will probably feel a little more in control of everything. If you can manage it, at all, I think it would be worth getting a visit in now. This time next year your son will need watching every second.... and that's when family visits get really stressful.

To those saying "la la travelling with a tiny baby by yourself is a doddle, the OP is soft for even suggesting it's a hassle" that's lovely for YOU (well done for being so awesome) and I'm sure you all never have any problems tackling the world and its physical logistics.

But downplaying the real lived experience of others who DO find these things challenging is just rude. I travel all the time for work, I can navigate the average airport with my eyes closed. But I loathed travelling with a small baby. Not because it was difficult to figure out the most efficient way to do it, but because even the most efficient way is a pain in the arse.

OP fwiw I would try to get to France in your situation but I'd probably try to get a cheap flight out of Cork or another southerly Irish airport into a regional French airport and then TGV to Paris. Much less airport transfer hassle and that's the worst part with a small baby. Skyscanner is a good website for trying to find flights, you can search for flights to a whole country eg Cork to Anywhere in France.

Wow there has been a lot of comments since I last read ... I will try to address a few things!

Alibalibumblebee:
I know what the total flying time would be : I have added it up every which way and have actually spent far too much time over the past week looking at different options of flying. Of course it would not take nearly as much time as with a stopover, but that is why I didn't in my wildest dreams consider a stopover with a ten week old baby! That , I feel , would put me under extreme pressure after a long haul flight. Talk about exhaustion!
I know you found a similar route easy - as you have a life time of experience doing it, maybe that is why you feel so at ease at the thoughts of such a journey. I am a first time mum. I don't feel the same ease. I won't have a buggy - I will have a sling. I have no idea how its going to work out - because I've never done it before!

Finances - I have taken unpaid leave. It is unpaid. For the next 5 months. Unpaid. I cant flit around Europe unless really necessary, because we need to budget for the next few months. I need to return to Ireland- that is out of my hands. Trust me, it would be so much easier to stay in dubai from a financial point of view!

Regarding my our mothers doing a month each of child minding. I would not trust my mother in law to take care of my baby on her own for a month. She takes lots of strong medication due to chronic back pain. This makes her drowsy and she falls asleep on our narrow couch with the baby on her chest. But most of all, I think it would be highly likely that she would not respect my wishes with regards to feeding the baby. She has shown that she believes that she knows best in the past. I strongly believe that it is not beyond her to give the baby some honey on her finger, or to top up with a bit of formula, because she thinks its the right thing to do. My mother would not do that, hence I would prefer her to take care of baby.

There is a level of respect that I feel I must maintain towards my mil. Therefore I find it hard to be assertive and honest with her, I feel she takes advantage of my hesitancy to tell her like it is. I do this in order to minimize lasting tension - believe me , I bite my tongue - a LOT.

Finally, Alibalibumblebee , I really think you have missed the entire point of this thread if you truly think that I don't want my husbands family involved in the wee ones life to any extent. What utter rubbish if you don't mind me saying so. Baby is currently 8 weeks old , and mil has been to visit twice.We will visit Paris in the summer, and it is highly likely they will come out to the middle east again before July. If I didn't want them involved, I would refuse to have them stay. Or better still, not tell them I was travelling to Ireland.