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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you all this (hairy-hand related!)

103 replies

FarFromAnyRoad · 21/01/2015 16:26

So just suppose you were a troll for a day. You've got no friends, you don't smell all that good, daylight brings you out in suppurating boils and your toes are webbed. You've got free reign to concoct a bullshit story for an adoring MN audience. What would your subject be? Would you stay and reappear throughout to build your tale or would you dump a doozy and run?
I ask because I'm fairly sure mine wouldn't be about bloody curtains or parking or any other such everyday thing Grin. I'd have blood, shrieks, locked rooms, hidden cameras........oh, wait........... Grin That's been done right? What's the way forward for the modern thinking troll of today?

OP posts:
nevergooglebrandybutter · 21/01/2015 17:18

Pregnant again

On reading back, the thread was shortlived and figured out very quickly.

Sigh.

I would make a crap troll.

iklboo · 21/01/2015 17:23

I have sex with my driving instructor while DH is there. I think he enjoys it as much as I do, to be honest.

Chillyegg · 21/01/2015 17:39

Mine would be;
AIBU by what I said to this man
today I was at my local wait-rose doing my weekly shop I was about to pull into a mother and baby space, when a very "rough looking man" pulled into the space nearly causing a collision! I opened my window and asked the man to move as he had no children with him and I needed the space for me to get all of my 18 children out of my car! He told me to fuck off and that women shouldn't be allowed to drive! At this point I became hysterical and started crying! The man then accused me of bAd parenting and that I shouldn't be feeding into a capitalist society and should only feed my children an organic raw vegan diet! He then threatened me with SS! By this point I'd had enough and told him to shutup, do you think I was rude? My DH thinks I should maybe report it to the shop manager

Or something along those lines!

ginslinger · 21/01/2015 17:47

I think i'd go for a bloody good poo story and if I could get parking in too I'd be delighted

Chillyegg · 21/01/2015 17:52

Or maybe I'd concoct a story about a terrible DH who makes me stay at home,is forcing me to move to Timbuktu and is moving his mother in who has a just dreadful pet wolf who she loves and let's it sleep in her bed! The mil had also decided she wanted my newborn to call her mummy and that the baby should call me by it's first name

TeaAndALemonTart · 21/01/2015 17:56

I would have a user name with numbers on the end, would post a few innocuous posts in baby names so I wasn't a total newbie.

Then BAM! It would be a shocker in AIBU, obvs.

ghostyslovesheep · 21/01/2015 17:57

somebody stalking me - and then it would get odder and odder but stil on the cusp of believable

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 21/01/2015 18:02

Parking in a p&C space while on my own because I needed a poo in Sainsburys, then using the accessible toilet. That'd get a few posts, I reckon.

ginslinger · 21/01/2015 18:06

Yes Bastards and maybe you had to go there because your mil won't let you use her toilet

fairnotfit · 21/01/2015 18:14

pet wolf

GrinGrinGrin

Gunpowder · 21/01/2015 18:19

I actually want to read some of these. Grin

iklboo · 21/01/2015 18:20

AIBU to ask everyone to take off their shoes & clothes and wear CSI style overalls and boots so they don't spoil my lovely new vair expensive cream sofa & carpet. Which I'm certain is much naicer than anything they could every afford - as none of them went to Russell Group universities like what I did.

AIBU to also tell them they must eat whatever I put in front of them as anything else is just rude & fussy? I mean, coeliacs & vegetarians are just being faddy.

Oh, and no wine that cost them less than £20 a bottle. Even though I won't be opening it while they're here & insist on serving them the pea pod wine DH made in his wellingtons.

Phalenopsis · 21/01/2015 18:37

Sharting all over the Other Man during a quick bunk-up in a parent and child space.

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 21/01/2015 19:15

I would do one that started off small and built into something else entirely. Maybe a 'guess how long I'll be in the phone queue to my gas supplier for' (guess who I'm calling right this second, heh) and I'd turn it into something epic, like my call was answered and I accidentally overheard a murder.

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 21/01/2015 19:17

Or, AIBU to want to start a smallholding when I live in a terrace with a tiny yard? My neighbour won't let me borrow their yard, but where else am I going to keep the goats? Grin

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 21/01/2015 19:20

Oooh, or a school one. AIBU over how the school office staff spoke to me? Then I'd dripfeed and gradually reveal that I'd barged my way into the school office and commandeered their photocopier to copy two hundred fliers advertising my shit home business flogging diet aids. Then I'd be all indignant that you thought I was unreasonable and I'd try to justify it by saying I paid my taxes and surely that entitles me to use school resources?

I think I'd be a good troll. Grin

Original poster
FarFromAnyRoad · 21/01/2015 19:22

There's some real genius here but the thing that's really making me Shock Shock is that so many of them make me come over all deja vu!
I think pooing in a P & C parking space would break new ground, so to speak!

OP posts:
YoullLikeItNotaLot · 21/01/2015 19:28

Something to do with entertaining. Guests were obnoxious but for some reason (bosses? Landlords? Dying swans?) we are obliged to have them round even though they are sexist/racist/piss in the gravy boat.

I would rebuff all of your logic in how to deal with the situation with more examples of how futile resistance was and how trapped we were.

I'd report back how I'd delivered a scintillating put down which had resolved the situation.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 21/01/2015 19:29

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit
I would do one that started off small and built into something else entirely. Maybe a 'guess how long I'll be in the phone queue to my gas supplier for' (guess who I'm calling right this second, heh) and I'd turn it into something epic, like my call was answered and I accidentally overheard a murder.

I love this one!

WoodenGo · 21/01/2015 19:29

AIBU to tell my friends to stop telling me my husband is having an affair? I told them he often goes out alone with the boys and comes home smelling of perfume and somewhat dishevelled, but what man doesn't when he's been at a pub all night? And the texts he receives from random women are obviously a mistake, like the time his computer was hacked and he found himself signed up to several hook up sites. The earring I found in his car was obviously one of a pair he had bought for me as a gift, it was a pity the other one got lost and ruined the surprise. Etc, etc, et bloody cetera, with strategic drip feeding as necessary. Et voila.

ghostyslovesheep · 21/01/2015 19:43

then I'd create a new ID and stalk myself online

YonicScrewdriver · 21/01/2015 19:54

How would you troll about cheese?

"I'm covered in blue veins and my hair is a crusty orangey colour, should I go to the GP?"

LizzieVereker · 21/01/2015 19:54

I would do something about how someone parked on my front lawn blocking my front door, and when I tried to remonstrate with them (through the letter box) they got annoyed with me because my rose bushes had scratched their car. Their reason for parking on my lawn would be that they needed to because they were shit at parallel parking on the road, and that I was selfish and entitled for minding the destruction of my lawn/ being trapped in my house.

Then they woul ask if their child could use my loo, and make me feel so guilty that I agree to allow the child to be passed through the window. The parent would then rush off down the road on foot shouting "Just popping to the shop, won't be long" and then not return for three days. In this time the child would complain bitterly about my catering and break all DSs toys.

And Mumsnet would call me too soft for letting him in and offer lots of phrases like "No is a complete sentence", but simultaneously call me interfering when I eventually call Social Services. But no-one would mind me having the car towed.

I would leave lots of time between updates to enable people to do "place marking"

Phalenopsis · 21/01/2015 20:03

I want to name my child, 'Table' but my MIL is objecting. Discuss.

Original poster
FarFromAnyRoad · 21/01/2015 20:21

I recall a particularly inventive troll from another forum got to 30 pages of 100 per page posts with a long made up tale about her DH coming home with blood on his boxers and smelling of men's aftershave different to his own so obviously he'd become gay overnight. I had to hand it to her - I think it was a her - she kept it going beautifully!

OP posts: