To ask you all this (hairy-hand related!)

[FarFromAnyRoad]

So just suppose you were a troll for a day. You've got no friends, you don't smell all that good, daylight brings you out in suppurating boils and your toes are webbed. You've got free reign to concoct a bullshit story for an adoring MN audience. What would your subject be? Would you stay and reappear throughout to build your tale or would you dump a doozy and run?
I ask because I'm fairly sure mine wouldn't be about bloody curtains or parking or any other such everyday thing . I'd have blood, shrieks, locked rooms, hidden cameras........oh, wait........... That's been done right? What's the way forward for the modern thinking troll of today?

AIBU to think my MIL was wrong to have sold my baby on Ebay?

Something involving pitchforks and horned men.

I'll need to give this some thought.

Firstly I would post on a few different threads to build up a profile..........

Ooooh maybe 'I was in charge of putting the lottery on at the wife's request but I didn't and the numbers came up and she's maxing out the credit cards because I've told her I've sent the ticket off in panic'. What do I do?

Then I would refer to my own situation in relation to others' posts: 'I feel your pain OP, my DH is an arse too'

Mine would start fairly boring and get more and more dramatic with life or death situations going on even though I still manage to post every few mins to ramp it up

Just me that thought this was going to be about Barry Scott's alarming hairiness then???
I would have to re-clean bathroom incase of shedding.

Then I would start a post like, AIBU to not call an ambulance because I feel he is faking unconsciousness ?

Or I saw my mil breastfeeding my baby through the windows. . Freaked.

Or ' was giving my boss a bj at work and now I'm trapped under the desk because his meetings come in the room.. Help. '

I've spent too many years on forums and seen too many trolls man.

I'll think about it, but I totally agree. Why bother with such mundane stories?

I think maybe I'd do a woo one. Like I got out the shower and someone had written something in the clouded mirror and I'm locked in the bathroom hearing banging downstairs but I'm using my wifi connection to mumsnet rather than contact the police (actually that last bit sounds a lot like me ).

Or maybe about parent toddler parking, that always gets people going though I'm never completely sure why.

Dammit OP, I thought it was a spooky thread about the Hairy Hands of Dartmoor.

A supermarket queue one gets every one boiling over.

AIBU that you don't jump infront the supermarket queue with a few items.

I was in LIDL the other day, first at the till, buying my daily shopping, as I was loading up the conveyer belt a man walks infront of me, pushes my stuff back, places a divider down and puts his items on the belt.
I said "oi I'm first" he said "my time is more important than yours, I have more rights because I'm a man and I have a few items, you are being rude"

See the ideas here are totally brilliant! So why can't the professional trolls do better than they do. I see a gap in the market for Troll School!

I'm breastfeeding my 12 year old and keep getting funny looks from people. AIBU to tell the woman in the supermarket by the chiller counter to fuck off with her double-taking judgemental attitude, I'm only feeding my child.

I'm secretly working as a prostitute at home while DH is at work. He thinks I work behind the counter at the post office. My neighbour is now blackmailing me. What should I do? I love my career but DH is a bit old-fashioned.

I'd do something like start off mentioning on a few threads that I'd been through a nasty divorce a while ago but was starting to heal now... Then I'd start a thread asking for advice about a man I knew who'd been really kind & gradually build the relationship, telling the story right from being reluctant to have the conversation with him in case I'd completely misread the signs, through him meeting my children & them getting on well, us having a whirlwind romance & getting married. I'd have everyone helping pick out my wedding dress & outfits for Michael & Chloe my imaginary DC. If I got bored of it I'd post something cryptic about him not being the man I thought he was & then stop posting, just to freak everyone out. Knowing me though, I'd have got so wrapped up in the fantasy story & the support from everyone that I'd have to phase it out slowly with lots of "oops, sorry it's been so long, married life is soooo hectic" type posts until people forgot about it!

I tried it once. Back when t'were all fields round 'ere and it was considered harmless fun to namechange and be silly.

It was about my neighbours themed nights of lurve and the disruption it was causing me.

I was sussed at once and I realised I simply do not have the necessary skill set to be a successful troll.

If I wanted to kick off a bunfight then either a wild overreaction to a stranger's harmless interaction with me culminating in my screaming something at them and defending my action with ever increasing hostility or something to do with demanding my parents hand over all their money to me now to avoid taxes and it's only reasonable to do so because my husband has been cutting their grass on a sunday for two years.

If I wanted cash, then I'd have a sick pet and an insurance company that wouldn't pay out and a big eyed 4 yr old child sobbing about their kitty.

I'm an evil genius.

Probably about something not at all controversial that wouldn't get people's blood boiling.

Like

^My wife didn't want any more children because she had [insert severe medical issue] with the last four pregnancies and said that she couldn't cope with any more children. However, I am from a big family, and it's very important to me that my wife provides me with at least one more child, because she's beginning to talk about going back to work, which would be a personal inconvenience for me as due to a bad childhood I like her at home cos I have slight trust issues and like to know where she is.

Seeing as I pay for everything I think it's really my decision on how many more children we can afford anyway. Through sheer luck she got pregnant again when I "accidentally" tore the condom. Now she is saying she wants an abortion and I am outraged. Surely this is at least half my decision? Surely, as the father, my signature should be required before she should be allowed to go ahead with anything? I am trying to emotionally blackmail her into continuing the pregnancy, but she has broken my trust by getting her friends involved.

If she doesn't want to keep the child I have told her that if she could just incubate it and give birth to it, then I would look after it by giving it to my mother to raise.

What can I do to make her continue the pregnancy?^

I think that ticks quite a lot of the boxes

Otherwise something short and sweet like

"Both my wife and my mistress are pregnant. Which one do I stand by, or how can I convince one of them to have an abortion"

loveareadingthanks - They are both fucking genius

I'd write something about my dh. It's a monotonous topic so can be subtly embellished with every post.

Something like. " Aibu to not want to move? " you can drip lengthy hints about possibly controlling ways. Possible views on working/giving up. Dcs. Friends. Lots of subtlety on history how he had to pick the colour of the flowers. How he selfishly chose your engagement ring.

It can then include great mil bashing and sil/Bil/fil comments.

And if one of them has a dog... Say a vicious Jack russell...? And a new baby...

Easily get to 500 posts. Without breaking sweat!

OMG, I am so sorry for all the posting, but I just thought of one that someone GENUINELY asked me once.

Why do women complain about rape? I mean, they get to have sex as well right?

I was 13 and not old enough to respond properly (e.g. GBH)

who the hell asked you that?

Total, genuine truth? My boyfriend at the time. He was 14.

We broke up a while later.

Shocker.

Terrifying attitude he had.

I trolled once as a historically accurate (as far as wiki would allow of course) Queen Victoria and posted my/her unreasonable views of children, childbirth and breastfeeding.

Some people got it. Some piled in with 'why the hell did you have children?'

Again, back when all round here was green fields.

I'd be too scared of getting banned these days.

I would do cheese.

Obviously I would concoct an elaborate story around it but the heart would be cheese.

The checklist would include:
Mil-naturally.
P&c parking-a 4x4 or sports car.
Bum sex
Outdoor sex
Sex that makes you go
Bridezillas
Ow
Om
Op (other poodle)
Very extended bf in the middle of centre court at Wimbledom
Adi v Waitrose
Bit of woo
Benefit bashing
Babies in headbands
Crazy neighbours.

Be like pick and mix.